So, you think you have a friend

[Guest Tally]

I've been out in public for some time now studying and attending all sorts of interesting meetings and events. I've made a few friends, some of which even know of my status.. But as you might of guess I was betrayed by a friend, after a lovely conversation with this person about a LARP event I was gonna go to tonight she asked me why I wouldn't request a lift on FB.. The reason being a obvious "Cause I'm not ready to reveal to people I barely know my secret."

This was because I have made my FB (Tally mc, totally not self plugging..) as ME.. Tally(or Talsie) and not what I am forced to be perceived as during public meetings and outings.. So naturally she said why not.. and I explained the reason above.. she got all snippy and said "I will call you by your legal name (Brandon.. Ugh!) until you get it changed legally..

I've don't think I've lost it emotionally any more then I did in that moment. I just about broke my damn phone in half, I was a mixture of furious and sad.. Coupled with a rough day of study I well.. let lose at her.. so a hour later it is deemed that we are both in the wrong and rest in very troubled water.. After re-explaining my position to her she says that she can't and will most likely never understand due to not having it.. I understand this to a point, when some one explains in detail what is wrong with them and why it effects them so you'd think they would have at least a logical or informational understanding of the issue and know how to address it further..

Well, I can't continue on ranting or I will break the forums.. So all I want to know is how do I regain relations with the lady, she accepts me for who I am but just won't conform with some of the basic needs/wants I well, need..

And my second advice is. Even if you have a bad experience with someone, allow them time and show a effort in trying to show them why their reasoning is either wrong or just plain nasty.. Some people cannot be changed.. avoid them like the plague.. I've received many beatings for my feminine ways..

I wish all of you best of luck in gaining friends and purging the haters out of your life.

Yours sincerely

Mistress Tally.

(if there is a spot for rants then I sware to god.. I will cry, I seem to be missing half the forums when i make a post.)

[VickySGV]

There is not a separate forum for just plain rants, and while you have not actually been the victim of a hate crime, I do think that your acquaintance's having outed you is a nasty kick in the back side. You seem to be saying that you do have safety boundaries on your Trans* self and activities, and that is a way to avoid Hate Crimes and Violence against yourself. People who are not Trans* do have severe difficulty getting in on what we are thinking about those things that threaten us. I have no trouble knowing what you are facing, but hell, I am as Trans* as it gets. You are having trust issues with this person, and for now, it might be best to not give them more information or try to educate them. Both of you need time to breathe your own air on this, and if the relationship is going to last, cooling down time will not destroy it, but direct confrontation is hazardous for both of you.

[Charlize]

I had been married for 41 years before coming out to my wife and asking her to change how she called me and what pronouns to use. It took a great deal of time and now after more than 2 years of me living full time she still slips but the best thing is that she gets it right mostly now. It is hard for others to see us as we feel we are. As Vicky noted it takes time and patience. I know that is more stress for us in an already stressful situation but relationships do often last if we give it the time. Unfortunately we can't change that but at least Laura's does give us a world for a rant and others here do understand.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hi Mistress Tally,

I've had this issue as well. I can give you a little bit of insight as to my experience, though I think Charlize and Vicky summed it up. As Charlize said, her wife took years to refer to her as a woman with the proper pronouns, and the right name. I myself have been in this situation. My girlfriend wanted me to call her Nicole when her original name was Brianne. it took a while for me to call her that and after I'd finally gotten used to it, she wanted me to call her Katherine (we agreed on Katy). after calling her Nicole for years, it was an adjustment.

My point is when someone has known you as a certain name for so long, it gets hardwired and a reflex to call that name. it's a brain function, I don't know too much about it, but I think you understand what I mean.

I realize that you may not have known this person for long, and quite honestly I don't understand why they can't go with your wishes and make you at least a little bit happier by calling you by your female name. A name is a word, and words are only a means of communication. I cannot comprehend why he/she can't call you what you wish to be called.

My advice? Me personally, my head says dump it. If they're not going to at least give you the satisfaction of calling you by your female name when you specifically request that they do, they're not worth your time tbh.

My heart says give them a few shots. at least if you get turned down multiple times, you can't say you didn't try. if not, dump it.

God Bless, and Good Luck,

Natalya <3

[Ravin]

So, she accepts you as you, but doesn't get why you're closeted with some other people, such as at the LARP group? Maybe at the end of the day she's trying to encourage you to just be yourself and doesn't understand why you would want to hide that. I think sometimes the fears that we deal with are things some people who are otherwise accepting just don't understand.

[Guest]

Ya know. I met this awesome woman at a concert. I was dressed as a man and was making fun conversation with the people around me between bands. And this woman was polite enough to eventually just stick her hand out and want to exchange names. She was confused abit by my name (probably because it's admittedly unusual). And then she just loosened up and smiled. She politely asked what pronouns I preferred and "how far along" I was. Real sweet chick. Which is why I was so surprised by the whirl-wind of swears she spewed giving me some great words of advice. I'll clean up her language and give them to you.

-People can be dumb as all kingdom come! Forget any "friends" like that! If they refuse to respect you, just forget them. You don't need them-

Now, my most cherished belief is that friendship is a sacred relationship. It's beautiful to hear you wanting to mend things. I also I had a friend who was a stickler about calling me by preferred name. His exact words were just like your friends. So, I told him how ignorant and rude he was being. Then slowly but surely he began to respect my name. He calls me Shaad now because I simply would not allow a friend to walk on my emotions/pride.

So, what I'm rambling about is this: You should definitely apologize to your friend if you feel like you were out of line. But you should also stand up for yourself and make sure she understands just how much it means to you (it could be simply that she doesn't understand how strongly you feel about it, as it was with my bud). And then, if she proves too stubborn, maybe it's time to cut her loose, like the woman at the concert so adamantly adviced.