Relapsing

[Guest]

I was on a really good kick for most of the past month, not binging at all, eating mostly healthfully, even exercising a bit. And then the past two weeks everything has just been crumbling. I lost like 17 pounds and with ever pound i just felt my motivation slipping instead of increasing. I hardly want to get out of bed, much less eat or exercise, when I do get around to eating it's been less and less healthy stuff each day...the past few days I've more or less binged....ugh...I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow...but still I just feel so defeated. I just have no desire to put in more effort, and just ugh....

Don't really know what I'm looking for...just wanted to vent I guess...I'm sure I'll eventually pull it back together...I just really hope I don't do too much damage in the meanwhile.

[Carolyn Marie]

It's perfectly OK to vent, Kira. In fact, that's usually a helpful thing to do. I'm glad you're seeing your therapist so soon. Do you think something triggered this? If not, perhaps its something physical. In any case, I hope you can get a handle on it and figure things out.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

I don't know, probably a combination of things...I was getting really anxious about transition last week, still don't know if I'm up to it, and feel like I have to decide now, and I feel like HRT isn't working, even though it probably is, and I want to be eating sugar free and just am not in a place where that's a good goal for me, but grey area is never a great place for me, and 3 or 4 weeks in is where all the healthy food starts changing flavor and starts to taste like crap, and then I had to go and visit family for a day, which almost always brings me down after the fact...and I'm trying to decide if I should move across the country, my medical expenses are astronomical even with insurance, which also costs a ton, I can't decide if my career is headed in the right direction - when I'm happy I like it, when I'm down I feel like I really should head in another direction, I don't know if I'll have a job after April, and I don't really have enough savings to cover but one or two months of being unemployed, all but one of my friends have moved back to my hometown, and they're all super busy...my one friend left in town is also super busy - so I have basically no one to talk to, of course all I want to talk about is the stuff that's on my mind, which I'm sure they just can't wait to hear about for the fifteenth hundred time, my cat is probably upset and bored cause she has no one to play with, cause I really can't afford a second one, would be jealous of her, but I'm too tired to constantly play with her...oh jeez i guess there is a lot of crap going on.

Mostly the problem is at the moment I just don't have the mental energy to keep on track, or don't feel like it. Grocery shopping, cooking, exercising, resisting things that will give me a hit, - all I can think of is the time and energy that needs to go into that when it's just so much easier to not care. And really at home I'm find, I mostly just don't eat at all, I'll just lay in bed, but at least I actively make sure I don't have anything I could make dumb choices with - but work and in my car is an entirely different ball game.

Sorry for the monkey brain stuff.

[Guest]

Oh and I forgot, I also have this big project I'm working on the side for a friend, that I really don't have the energy to work on either, but I can't get out of it now either.

Also, been having for a while just this huge feeling that I'm not up to the challenge of healthy living or transitioning.

So yeah, probably has something to do with the relapse....I think the only way I get enough energy and will to try is by just ignoring all the other things, or trying to pretend they're not as huge as they are, and inevitably that only works for so long, and then I just don't have enough to go around.

[Guest GinaInside]

Kira,

Please hang in there, find your inner strength. Please remember, we are not perfect, it is Ok not try act like everything is Ok all the time. It is Ok to vent. Life is hard, yes; it is harder for us, that is true.

Sometimes it helps to accomplish just one thing, even if it's only a minor one, even when you don't have the energy and/or motivation to do it. Just accomplishing one minor thing will make you feel better, even if it's just a little, it's worth it. Even if it's just one small thing to do for yourself, it literally frees up your conscience a bit, which in turn helps you feel better.

I understand the cycle you are experiencing. You can overcome it. There are many ways to do so. For me, it has been meditation, it probably saved my life, and is not hard to do, and the benefits are awesome.

I wish I knew what to say to help.

Take care,

Hugz,

Gina

[Charlize]

I have heard and have come to believe that we need help to overcome habits that may harm us. That was certainly true for me and my addiction to alcohol. I found people to help and still go to meetings, in fact i go to even more than i did to start. Relating to others with similar problems and offering your support as they offer support to you is a powerful tool. You have an understanding of your problem and i'm glad to see you reaching out both here and with your therapist. Keep getting help, it is nothing to feel ashamed about just something to work on one day at a time.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well as you know I lost 350 pounds to get to a average weight.. When I first started, I got so gung ho that with work ours considered I was only getting about 800 calories a day and like you said I lost motivation. Infact I was so tired from lack of energy I'd get out of bed and felt like I had no sleep at all.. I upped my caloric intake and it resolved..

But losing weight is tough, it's hard to stay on that wagon. Trust me know I had days or even weeks where I fell off stopped dieting and working out. I always managed to drag my sorry butt back onto the treadmill and the diet.. So I never really regained..

However my first semester of college was really stressful.. and I used food to cope with my stress. I gained at least 10 pounds, I had just gotten back onto the diet as well recently as Im trying to slim down for my cousins wedding in a few months. I realized one of the restaurants I go to with my friends near campus the meal I had gotten earlier this week was like 3000+ calories. Even though I burned 600 I still realized I blew my diet up that day.. basically binged with out knowing. (All 3000 were not from the restaurant I just didnt realize how high in calories the meal I got was..) anyways I paniced and got real depressed for a bit.. Ultimately though I just moved on and got back on track the next day, that's all you really can do.. You can't let a slip up throw you off or stop you. Just recognize it and hold your self accountable.. As for motivation, that can be hard to find even when you know the goal is worth it sometimes you just have to do it regardless and challenge your self to keep doing it.

[Guest]

Yeah I know all about the difficulty. This will be my second time losing 100lbs. And I know beating yourself up, letting yourself go cause you messed up, eating less, all just screw you up even more, but knowing something isn't always you know?

I think the real problem like you said is motivation though. I honestly don't really have faith that I can do it, and that probably makes it 10 times harder to try. Combine that with having struggled with this for so long...and on some level I just feel resigned to be this way forever. Not helpful, but not easily changeable either.

I do usually manage to drag myself back onto the wagon. The problem with me is that it either takes a really long time, or I fall off really hard, and basically try and sabotage myself as much as I can. I can erase months of work in a week or two. Which becomes terribly disheartening cause then it feels like in order to have what you want you have to be perfect 100% of the time, which you know you can't do and shouldn't even expect yourself to, and well you get the picture.

Thanks for replying though.

[JJ]

When I started this I needed to lose 200 lbs at 63-and could find no record of anyone my age even coming close. Plus I was bedridden -could only walk about 30 ft without my walker-so it seemed really impossible. But I decided to do my best. And I really researched what works best rather than just going on a starvation diet again-though this massive weight gain was originally from Prednisone 15 years before that started a downward spiral I had fought weight most of my adult life. My anorexic mother had gotten me a prescription for amphetamines at 13 because she was afraid I might resemble one side of my family who were curvy but not fat. I took them for 18 years and damaged my metabolism. Any time I wasn't on them I struggled-I added the weight I had lost and gained by 50 though I was never as heavy as later and stayed active-it was over 1000 lbs. I had also taught nutrition as part of my job so I knew a lot about losing.

But nothing about how to do it right and keep it off. O also had struggled with plateaus and with relapses like yours. And each time actually gained a little more. Finally got it off and got healthy -was a size 8 which is thin for me because I have very heavy bones for my height-when I was put on Prednisone for Lupus and gained 165 lbs-slowly over the years I added another 35 as physical injuries and health problems made me less and less active.

But I did lose the 200 lbs and am physically active and very fit for my age. I've kept it off for 31 months now. When people ask me how I tell them the truth-there are no shortcuts but there are some things that make all the difference. First is that starvation or crash diets just don't work long term. It's proven that you will end up gaining weight long term though short term results can be spectacular-even losing a 100 lbs. But no one can live like that forever for one thing. And even more than that your metabolism changes ad your body goes into starvation mode. You need less and less to maintain weight and will actually gain on what was working to lose in the beginning. And you feel bad. It affects your mood as well as your energy because it changes body chemistry as well.. If you are eating right you feel great-hungry sometimes but not that awful shutdown feeling I know only too well. Your body is saying you are starving and must conserve energy.

I get around that starvation thing a couple of ways that are proven to work and do for me for sure. One is that I have one day a week that I eat anything and everything I want-no guilt and no rules except that it is one day only. And I move it around -so I don't have to give up and feel deprived at a party or special occasion. It also prevents cheating when cravings hit. You can get what you crave and put it aside for your eating day. In addition it keeps your body from adjusting to the lesser calories on the other days. And gives you a chance to supplement with things that are just too high in calories but your body may need.

Another essential is accounting for what you eat as well as nutrition. You won't succeed at losing and keeping it off long term if you skimp on nutrition. Our bodies are set up to make demands that are almost impossible to ignore that way. And you will feel bad enough it isn't worth the result anyway. I use My late on Livestrong.com which is free but there are many sites out there you can use. The main thing is that they track nutrients as well as calories and weight.

And finally exercise. Which is super hard if you have letr yourself get into starvation mode. But it lifts mood and energizes. No way around it and no way to live a healthy life or keep weight off long term without it. When I started losing I couldn't exercise in any conventional way-I couldn't even stand 1 min or walk 30 feet. So I swam. Luckily it was getting warmer and we have a large natural lake nearby. Eventually doing laps (I like a modified Commando style) I built enough muscle to begin hiking and then a couple of years ago using resistance tubes for a workout. I worked p to body builder ultra resistance because I want muscle but they make all types and can be used to exercise without impact or building heavy muscle. As a side benefit they have strengthened my back and my back pain is less than any time in my adult life even when I was young and super fit. (I've also broken six vertebrae in different accidents climbing and riding along with a congenital problem so having a strong back is life changing for me. ) And though I have broken cartilage in both knees my knee pain is also much less. I will hike, exercise and eat like this for the rest of my life just to keep that pain at bay. Some days it's hard. Really hard when the Lupus flares or the cold makes those old injuries stiff but I remember how bad it was before and I do it. I also have a rule for myself. No excuses. Because what is even a good excuse today will lead to a bad excuse tomorrow till I find myself in bed again.

One last thing is that all you have to worry about and handle is today. Tomorrow isn't here and yesterday can't be changed. Just do the best you can right now. If you fail or fall then you just say to yourself 'That didn't work" and you start again or try something different. For today.

Don't know if any of this helps. And to be honest what I hear behind lack of motivation is fear of failure. If the relapse is causing you pain or self disgust then the problem isn't a lack of motivation. Partly in a case where you have lost a lot of weight quickly it's a physical response including brain chemistry and there may well be a pattern of avoiding failure as well. I have no way of knowing. But I do know that you can lose the weight and can feel good while you do it. And that the rewards are more than worth it.

Johnny

[Guest]

Thanks JJ. As I've said elsewhere, it's not that I don't know what to do, it's doing it and maintaining it that are the issue.

Ha, shame and disgust are the two emotions that pretty much rule my life, with a large amount of avoiding failure. I starved myself for years, not even knowing I was cause I felt like a fatty half the time, and undoubtably had brain chemistry changes as I developed an insatiable sweet tooth over that time. To this day I still have a terrible view of all food, I'd much rather just give up eating entirely and can't help but view it all as poison most of the time. When I finally do get myself to eat, I either go for something super-palate pleasing (as that's basically the only worth I see in food) or else restrict it to a small portion. I try not to do this but find it immensely difficult, especially with healthy foods as they're so low calorie to begin with. I can't even fathom eating 2000 calories a day of mostly vegetables, with some grains and protein thrown in. Or even 1500. It's just so much food. For years, outside of binging, I've eaten like one, maybe two meals a day. And I was raised only on hyper-palatable processed foods, and likely have a sensory processing disorder - and so real stuff can taste like crap, and veggie textures tend to wig me out.

I mean, I'm not trying to make excuses, I know it is possible for me to combat all of this, I have done it on occasion, but it takes so much mental strength to ignore all those things, continually focus on the end goal, not get upset when something goes wrong, resist all the temptations around me when my brain treats sugar like crack, actually believe that what I'm doing will work, eat every three hours even though it's pretty much the last thing I want to do (outside of excercise lol), ignore or not buy into all the self shame and disgust and hopelessness, it's just a love-ton of things to fight against and it's only a small fraction of all things in my life.

And the amount of relief I feel when I don't have to do that almost makes up for how terrible I end up feeling.

[Drea]

Unlike other addictions going cold turkey is generally not an option with food.

Well okay I guess there could be a pun there, but none intended.

[Guest]

Ha! Thanks Drea. Not to belittle any other addiction, but yeah the idea of just being able to cut the problem out of my life completely is tremendously appealing though unfortunately not an option.

[Guest]

What even sucks more is that my therapist runs a support group for just this kind of thing, except it has a strict women only policy. *faceslam.

[Guest GinaInside]

One of the main things overlooked when dealing with something like diet, is the subconscious issue. You are literally fighting deep subconscious programming when dieting, or trying to stop substance abuse. This issue is hard for most people to even consider, because it has a cultural stigma. And, it does take some effort to really deal with.

I highly recommend reading a couple of books that will help, if you give the material a chance:

The Silva Mind Control Method, by Jose Silva, ISBN 978-0-671-73989-8

Hypnosis For Beginners, by William W. Hewitt, ISBN 1-56718-359-X

There are other books I would recommend, but these 2 will give you a good start. The material is easy to read and understand, all one needs to do is apply the lessons. I have been studying the very issues you are speaking of, and everything else TS-related, that I deal with, for a long time. Self-hypnosis is easier than it seems. Your mind is a powerful thing, you can use it to help alleviate some of the problems you face, it just takes a little effort. It is not magic, but it helps make life easier.