So much for "Breaking me out of my shell" and being "nice people"

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I've been at my new job for a month now. I love it. It will do while I train for assets for an Auxiliary officer, and then police officer.

The girls that I work with as some may know, know that I'm trans and "you have to do what makes you happy". That's nice and all, but over the past month I've seen some gradual changes in their behaviour. Unfortunately, for the worse.

I'm never spoken to unless I've done something wrong or they're basically mandated to talk to me. OR, I say something to them. Even when I do the latter, it's always a one word answer. "Yeah" "No" "[insert dismissive phrase here]". I've told myself again and again that they're just having a bad day, but they're nice and inviting to talk to literally everyone else and they sound eager to talk. I said "Happy Friday Andrea", and her response was "2 o'clock could not come [censored] fast enough." ... well, that must be a new good morning fad?

All of this happened AFTER I told them I was trans.

Yes, a reasonable amount of leniency has been given, but I'm at a dead end here. I'm nice and polite to everyone I meet (I always am, and will be now that I'm in my preferred gender), we almost always meet quota. We've even gone above quota a few times. I keep up with them, I don't slack, I take the initiative to help out if someone needs help, or is away from their station. There's literally NO reason for them to dislike me professionally, at least not that I can think of.

I don't want to say anything because it brings my (their) issues to the surface. Sure, maybe management can help, but they can make my life a whole lot worse when we're on the job - though I'm literally being ignored, so I'm not sure how it can get any worse; besides if they harassed me (I almost wish, because then it becomes illegal)

I hate saying this, but I wish I'd hadn't told them. I'd construed it as safe because I've worked literally side by side with them for a month. Someone else had picked up on my trans-ness (transness?), and she literally didn't care. She's a lovely lady and unlike basically everyone else in the plant. She understands that you're stuck with co-workers and the workplace for 40+ hours a week, so why not make the best of it and try to have fun? Instead of this whole doom and gloom thing? All you're doing is making it like a concentration camp for yourself and everyone around you.

Sorry, I guess I needed to get that out. I keep blaming myself because I think it's my fault. I've said everything I can think of on this topic. I've speculated that this is out of my hands and it's not something that I'm personally doing wrong. Perhaps I'm just looking for validation on that?

God Bless

Kayla <3

[Charlize]

I'm sorry your co-workers are giving you such a hard time. I have worked on similar jobs and it wasn't fun. The good thing is that you are preparing for a different career and won't be at the plant for ever. Keep truing to be nice and do your job and the time will go quicker. Letting the bad feeling rule your life will only make it worse.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Raya]

Ohh, Kayla so sorry you have to deal with this, and it feels so bad. Like the lovely lady says, you have to be there 40 hrs a week.

I doubt this is anything you are doing wrong, the snub is from others- I was just talking to a trans lady friend about this the other nite, she felt pretty much completely isolated after coming out at work. When we were talking about it, I shared that I was actually hoping people would just leave me alone, and not be a big negative.

I get how it would be so nice to have the positive relationships at work- in almost 40 years as a guy, I've had the good, the bad, and the disturbed. I learned to cherish the good ones.

So, I'm trusting that in time, you will find some true friends there, and in the meantime, you are staying employed!

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I'm sorry your co-workers are giving you such a hard time. I have worked on similar jobs and it wasn't fun. The good thing is that you are preparing for a different career and won't be at the plant for ever. Keep truing to be nice and do your job and the time will go quicker. Letting the bad feeling rule your life will only make it worse.

Hugs,

Charlize

The bad won't stay. I will however talk to management about trying to obtain different referances when it comes time to consider hiring me to Bendall directly, instead of just a temp. I don't much care since like me or hate me, I couldn't care less - I just want to know why. Know what I mean?

Ohh, Kayla so sorry you have to deal with this, and it feels so bad. Like the lovely lady says, you have to be there 40 hrs a week.

I doubt this is anything you are doing wrong, the snub is from others- I was just talking to a trans lady friend about this the other nite, she felt pretty much completely isolated after coming out at work. When we were talking about it, I shared that I was actually hoping people would just leave me alone, and not be a big negative.

I get how it would be so nice to have the positive relationships at work- in almost 40 years as a guy, I've had the good, the bad, and the disturbed. I learned to cherish the good ones.

So, I'm trusting that in time, you will find some true friends there, and in the meantime, you are staying employed!

This is what I hate. The fact that I'm forced to live in stealth and not tell anyone my trans status. Establishments like the bank and merchants are rquired to call you your preferred gender for good customer service, but co-workers don't have those cuffs on.

I'm not sure what to do about it. I could ignore it or I could ask them what their issue with me is and risk digging a deeper hole. I could ask management what to do, but I don't want to bother them with my interpersonal issues. But this is a work concern if I'm being honest. Them being my references could determine if Bendall hires me on or not.

God Bless

Kayla <3

[Guest Raya]

Be patient? Quietly go about being the best?

I dunno, I'm not there yet, but look forward to hearing how you overcome!

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Honestly this is one of the reasons I do not talk about my trans history with people. Firstly it's none of their business, secondly because I dislike drama. Another reason is that once that cat is out of the bag, it often becomes all people see. While our society is getting better about it, there is still a great deal of discomfort. Even if someone is trying to be understanding their behavior around you can definitely change because they feel they need to tip toe around the subject, and then stupid things get said. I've had the argument with many in the community that I'm not doing anything to advance the cause by being stealth, but it's my life (as its your life) one has to live it in the way that they feel most comfortable.

Unfortunately we still live in a society where, if you have the choice of being stealth or out, choosing to be out means you can very well lose some of the very genuine experiences you might otherwise have had.

[Guest alexaz]

Im sorry its hard for you.

Humans can be such babies sometimes.

All I can say and I know it doesn't help much is " at least they aren't bad mouthing you and saying bad things to you.

People will be people and you want to be liked and part of the crowd but as long as your doing your job as best as you can, your doing everything right and management should be able to see your helping their bottom line.

If the company cant see that or doesn't care that your a valued employee, maybe your better off not getting a promotion to full time with them.

Best of luck whatever happens and dont be so hard on yourself. You know your a good person.

alexaz

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, Kayla. As other(s) have said, informing everyone may not been the best idea. I am also kinda curious about why they were so supportive in the beginning but then changed. I guess they're simply being two-faced.

Keep your head up, sweetie.

*hugs*

-Fiona

[tracy_j]

I'm sorry to hear about things Kayla.

I have found in the past that women can be so catty at times, and I have seen in the past groups behave very nastily to others who a few days before were good friends. Men in comparison are often more likely to have a bit of a dust up and then retire to the bar arm in arm.

Are you sure it is your trans status that is the issue? I find at work mine is seldom, if ever, mentioned but I don't tend to discuss it unless someone else mentions it first. As I am it is only my immediate workfriends whom I communicate my current thinkings and actions to and others only see a feminine male (although to the women in our heavily female dominated workforce things must be obvious). To management things do not particularly affect my job so nothing is said. I am as open as anyone would wish but only when they initiate things. That said people are moody with me at times. Because of my take on things I do not connect this with any kind of trans issue as I know it isn't. I am often a bit depressed and can be a bit of a rebel on top of that so can often act in defiance of others. Do you have uncertainties which esculate things in your mind. I suspect thats a given as we all have to some extent but I mean specifically affecting things at work.

My suggestion is to carry on, be friendly, but take a back seat a bit. Don't try too hard. Just be yourself. If there are any issues then in time they may well move onto someone else. You may well be accepted as one of the girls without them even realising it.

This may well be what you are doing but I just thought I would give you my take on it.

Don't be too downhearted as things may well slowly pick up.

Good luck

Tracy x

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Honestly this is one of the reasons I do not talk about my trans history with people. Firstly it's none of their business, secondly because I dislike drama. Another reason is that once that cat is out of the bag, it often becomes all people see. While our society is getting better about it, there is still a great deal of discomfort. Even if someone is trying to be understanding their behavior around you can definitely change because they feel they need to tip toe around the subject, and then stupid things get said. I've had the argument with many in the community that I'm not doing anything to advance the cause by being stealth, but it's my life (as its your life) one has to live it in the way that they feel most comfortable.

Unfortunately we still live in a society where, if you have the choice of being stealth or out, choosing to be out means you can very well lose some of the very genuine experiences you might otherwise have had.

You know, I was hoping you'd comment, Sarah. I read the comments a few days ago and have been thinking about them (ALL) since. I can speculate and confirm that it's a much better thing being in stealth than it is having all the cards on the table. I mean, they know, and they treat me differently. As opposed to people that don't know (as far as I know. Hell, the whole building could know maybe?), and treat me like a female. It's extremely degrading and extremely oppressing to have to live in stealth. Even though I'd give up being trans if I could, it still feels like I'm a double agent.

Be patient? Quietly go about being the best?

I dunno, I'm not there yet, but look forward to hearing how you overcome!

I was talking with my supervisor today and from what I hear, it's their decision whether they hire me or not. It's based on performance, and he said "don't worry about it, Kayla." Obviously I'm paranoid, because this company has a pay raise and a health plan; which if nothing else, would be amazing considering my transition. As far as I know, there's no issue with my performance. But worry wart me

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, Kayla. As other(s) have said, informing everyone may not been the best idea. I am also kinda curious about why they were so supportive in the beginning but then changed. I guess they're simply being two-faced.

Keep your head up, sweetie.

*hugs*

-Fiona

I'm wondering that too. Perhaps it's what Sarah said and now that they know, that's all they see me as; as Kayla the male to female transsexual. Heck, maybe I'm just being delusional and things are all fine? Not even I know at this point.

I'm sorry to hear about things Kayla.

I have found in the past that women can be so catty at times, and I have seen in the past groups behave very nastily to others who a few days before were good friends. Men in comparison are often more likely to have a bit of a dust up and then retire to the bar arm in arm.

Are you sure it is your trans status that is the issue? I find at work mine is seldom, if ever, mentioned but I don't tend to discuss it unless someone else mentions it first. As I am it is only my immediate workfriends whom I communicate my current thinkings and actions to and others only see a feminine male (although to the women in our heavily female dominated workforce things must be obvious). To management things do not particularly affect my job so nothing is said. I am as open as anyone would wish but only when they initiate things. That said people are moody with me at times. Because of my take on things I do not connect this with any kind of trans issue as I know it isn't. I am often a bit depressed and can be a bit of a rebel on top of that so can often act in defiance of others. Do you have uncertainties which esculate things in your mind. I suspect thats a given as we all have to some extent but I mean specifically affecting things at work.

My suggestion is to carry on, be friendly, but take a back seat a bit. Don't try too hard. Just be yourself. If there are any issues then in time they may well move onto someone else. You may well be accepted as one of the girls without them even realising it.

This may well be what you are doing but I just thought I would give you my take on it.

Don't be too downhearted as things may well slowly pick up.

Good luck

Tracy x

Honestly? It really depends on the girl I find. There are a ridiculous amount of girls that will smile at me - which is a HUGE difference from before, where no girl even acknowledged me! - or that will smile back at me if I smile at them (which has just become a reflex to me now when I see a girl), but these two girls won't smile at me, or greet me for whatever reason. They will smile and greet other people though, male or female. So there is at least an emotional connection as to why they don't give me the same treatment as they give other people.

I had a very wise friend on Runescape tell me "Mostly I find that talking to women gives them ammunition to use against you later :/" - I didn't believe him at the time, but now? Words of wisdom. A girl will emotionally destroy you if you're not careful ...

I've done some very sutble research on what it is. Yes, it could very well be possible that it's something completely unrelated to my being trans. However, from what I've witnessed and noted, I can only direct it to my trans status. On my first 3 days, they talked to me relentlessly even though I was shy - and told them that. Asking a ton of questions. When they found out I was trans, they asked questions related to trans things. Once those were exhausted, it went from many questions, to none. I'm about as lost as you are hun. It doesn't make any sense to me. I've tried to play it off as tired? cranky that day? don't feel like talking? Every single time they have started and continued a conversation with someone else. At this point, it's difficult to even ask them something because I know that the response is going to be dismissive. I just concentrate on my work, and think about how I'm going to tell my family, or something regarding transition or the future. That usually passes the time quite well

God Bless and Love you all,

Kayla <3

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Honestly this is one of the reasons I do not talk about my trans history with people. Firstly it's none of their business, secondly because I dislike drama. Another reason is that once that cat is out of the bag, it often becomes all people see. While our society is getting better about it, there is still a great deal of discomfort. Even if someone is trying to be understanding their behavior around you can definitely change because they feel they need to tip toe around the subject, and then stupid things get said. I've had the argument with many in the community that I'm not doing anything to advance the cause by being stealth, but it's my life (as its your life) one has to live it in the way that they feel most comfortable.

Unfortunately we still live in a society where, if you have the choice of being stealth or out, choosing to be out means you can very well lose some of the very genuine experiences you might otherwise have had.

You know, I was hoping you'd comment, Sarah. I read the comments a few days ago and have been thinking about them (ALL) since. I can speculate and confirm that it's a much better thing being in stealth than it is having all the cards on the table. I mean, they know, and they treat me differently. As opposed to people that don't know (as far as I know. Hell, the whole building could know maybe?), and treat me like a female. It's extremely degrading and extremely oppressing to have to live in stealth. Even though I'd give up being trans if I could, it still feels like I'm a double agent.

Honestly? It really depends on the girl I find. There are a ridiculous amount of girls that will smile at me - which is a HUGE difference from before, where no girl even acknowledged me! - or that will smile back at me if I smile at them (which has just become a reflex to me now when I see a girl), but these two girls won't smile at me, or greet me for whatever reason. They will smile and greet other people though, male or female. So there is at least an emotional connection as to why they don't give me the same treatment as they give other people.

I had a very wise friend on Runescape tell me "Mostly I find that talking to women gives them ammunition to use against you later :/" - I didn't believe him at the time, but now? Words of wisdom. A girl will emotionally destroy you if you're not careful ...

I've done some very sutble research on what it is. Yes, it could very well be possible that it's something completely unrelated to my being trans. However, from what I've witnessed and noted, I can only direct it to my trans status. On my first 3 days, they talked to me relentlessly even though I was shy - and told them that. Asking a ton of questions. When they found out I was trans, they asked questions related to trans things. Once those were exhausted, it went from many questions, to none. I'm about as lost as you are hun. It doesn't make any sense to me. I've tried to play it off as tired? cranky that day? don't feel like talking? Every single time they have started and continued a conversation with someone else. At this point, it's difficult to even ask them something because I know that the response is going to be dismissive. I just concentrate on my work, and think about how I'm going to tell my family, or something regarding transition or the future. That usually passes the time quite well

God Bless and Love you all,

Kayla <3

Well early on after I had gone full time I really shared those feelings.. Like I needed to share my story with everyone, and that I had no fear of being open about it and all of that.. When I made the decision to go to college and remain stealth it was challenging at first at the idea that the topic would basically be off limits more or less.. You get used it though, and in the long run i feel it was the right decision as it's allowed me to really exist socially with out all of the extra distraction.

When it comes to friendships with other women, it can be very hit or miss.. Sometimes women will just have a stronger friendship with another person. So even though you are trying to build a stronger connection they might just not be interested because they are more interested in having a conversation with their friend. Ive experienced this but it's pretty harmless... I also know I've probably done this to others.. I could have 2 friends one sitting on each side before a lecture starts and I'll end up talking to one much more than the other.. So really it could all be pretty harmless..Before I decided to go stealth and I was transitioning something I noticed was that when people first learned that you are trans they had tons of things to ask and there was a lot of conversation to be had about it.. but the novelty of it fades and as a result so does the conversations related to it. People are just weird like that..

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Happened to me too Sarah. I remember them commenting on how real my wig looked (dang, that Breast Form Store has some great wigs), and how I had no "bulge" in my pants. Thinking now perhaps the bulge question was a little inappropriate, but at the time it didn't make me feel uncomfortable; and I didn't mind the questions since they weren't derogatory to my being trans.

I've literally gone full at work because in my opinion, it's much easier for them to call me Kayla, and girl, when they have literally nothing else to call me. If I'd been male it would be so much easier for the intolerance to have an excuse to "misgender and misname" me. Also, it forces me to get into the routine of doing the "things I need to do to be Kayla" - though that 5 o'clock shadow . I've been a little to shy with the red lipstick on my shadow areas it seems.

*UPDATE* It's been so odd. Andrea was actually nice to me yesterday and the day before? Now I'm just plain confused.

God Bless and love

Kayla <3