New here, spouse of MTF CD

[Guest Georgia Grace]

Greetings all,

My spouse came out to me a month ago that he had been secretly cross-dressing for several years. He says it all began when I was going through treatment for breast cancer, then had a recurrence, more treatment, many surgeries, etc.... When I recovered from that I got Lyme disease and when recovered from that I broke my femur in a skiing accident. Yikes, it's been a tough few years!

I want to apologize in advance for not using pronouns the way some of you might wish. To me my spouse is still my husband and for the most part a he. When he is cross-dressed I do refer to her and use her chosen female name.

I was initially shocked and felt that I never saw it coming, yet in hindsight there were certainly signs. About 5 years ago he shaved his beard, since meeting him in 1980 I had never seen him without the beard. He was also almost bald (naturally) and his beard was half his natural dark brown and half white/gray, he had tried dying it (beard) for uniformity but had an allergic reaction. He claimed to shave it because he felt it made him look older. He did look younger without it, but I did and still do miss that look on him. He also let his fingernails grow long, shaves his head completely and I now know he had his arms lasered.

He finally felt comfortable coming out to me because our 17 year old son confided in me that he wanted to cross-play at an upcoming Anime convention. He had picked out several looks, complete with wigs, but needed help with sizing, breast forms, bras and makeup. At first I didn't tell my husband because I was afraid of what he would think. I did end up telling him after my son & I had additional discussions about gender exploration. I don't think my son is trans, although I have encouraged him to keep an open mind and to discuss those feelings with me if they become stronger. I am by nature a very liberal, non-judgmental--live and let live--type person. He says for now that he just wants to do it for Anime, of which he is an avid fan, Manga as well.

A few days after first discussing this with my husband he approached me with his laptop and asked me to look at photos of a very attractive blonde woman. My first thought was that he was having and affair and it was a girlfriend, then I thought it was a mutual acquaintance who was transitioning, then I recognized my husbands muscular arms and smile. I was stunned, how could I have been so blind? There were many other subtle signs, but he had a place outside of our home to hide his female accouterments, and used a group of motor-head guy friends as an excuse to go out a few nights a month. We have a 2nd home out west and we both go out there separately, so he had that means to hide as well.

Since telling me, I must say that we have become closer, have had more open, honest discussions than ever in our marriage of almost 30 years. As a husband he was never very emotionally open and was very uncomfortable--especially--with "public displays of affection". In the early years of our relationship he was very affectionate in private and sex was great. Since being disfigured by breast cancer I have a lot of issues with body image and also problems with constant pain. We have not had sex in a very long time.

I am accepting of this side of him. He has said that he likes being both genders, has never felt trans and has no desire to dress full time or transition. We have had an amazing adventurous life of traveling, sailing, skiing, hiking, have worked together for many years and are the best of friends. He has told me alot about his CD friends and encouraged me to come out with him to meet them. We've gone out twice--a small group of gals meet at a restaurant for dinner and then usually go out dancing.

Being a cancer survivor I am accustomed to wigs and bought myself a long, stunning auburn wig and a few new outfits. Someone asked in another thread if having a CD spouse caused them to up their femininity and for me yes- after years of being a jeans wearing soccer mom I'm having fun exploring MY feminine side (my hair is still fairly short from chemo, hence the new long wig). I've also created an alter ego on facebook; my husband wanted to share his female personality with me through his fb page and new friends--they are all on facebook and are comprised of an interesting blend of part time CDers like my husband,some full time CDers, several who are transitioning and some fully transitioned MTF.

I'm here, because despite my acceptance, I have misgivings. I don't have anyone to talk to as my husband wishes to stay in the closet. I want to tell my best friend, but her son is my son's best friend so until or even if we tell our son, I don't want him to find out from another source. I think it's only natural to worry what others will think. We live in a small city, have a successful business that would be affected if my husbands reputation were to suffer. I also worry that he's not be completely honest about his desire to live in both worlds. He is very passable as a woman, is moderately tall and thin and has done a fabulous job with makeup, wigs, clothing, etc. Time will tell.... In the meantime I'm here to help myself figure this all out and come to terms with my own feelings, sexuality and to explore what my future with a CD husband looks like. I am looking into counseling but as many of you know it's hard to find the right person.

Again, I apologize if my pronouns or terminology is wrong, I'm learning as I go. Thanks for reading and I'll keep reading about you all too. I welcome your comments, suggestions or questions.

GiGi

[Guest]

Grace

Let me first state that it's wonderful that you're trying to live with this or even embrace your husbands crossdressing. My wife is also very understanding and very embracing. In fact unless we're out of the house, I'm always dressed and while out am underdressed with small forms.

And she's at the point where's she's not comfortable unless I'm dressed in some form. We've talked and she's fine all the way to transition where she's not ok. I don't know whether I will ever get to that point, but that's where many crossdressers tend to start, not believing.

I realized part of the way in that I wasn't simply a crossdresser, it goes deeper. I have feminine inner feelings that I've suppressed for years and didn't know existed. It's quite possible that your husband will begin finding 'more' than he thought was 'there'. But only your husband and time, time letting out the inner feelings. It's taken me a year or so to get to this point. And I'm seeing a gender counselor because I also hated myself for doing this. Does your husband have similar dislike when done dressing for the day or episode?

Laura's is a great place to find help and information. Don't limit yourself to the SO forum, venture into the other threads and ask questions about other people and their thoughts etc.

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for working together with your husband.

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest Georgia Grace]

Fiona...thank you or your warm welcome. Honestly, as accepting as I am I do have misgivings of my husbands cross dressing. I miss the man he once was and I miss the "us" of before cancer and CDing. But, there's no going back, so my options are to begin anew with him or bring an end to our life together, which I just can't imagine. This will be a test of true love--what can we each compromise for the sake of the other/marriage and what is more important self love and acceptance or the love and acceptance of another.

I sense that my initial acceptance will certainly free my husband to feel and express more of his feminine side. He is still in the closet to our teenage son, our extended families and friends. We work together in a small architectural design business which I think would suffer if this were known. As a woman I have a lot of beliefs on what it is to truly be a woman, it certainly involves a lot more than the embellishments of hair, makeup, boobs and clothing. I can see this leading to a lot of interesting discussions.... Which I welcome!

I think my husband did suffer from the guilt of secrecy and the lying associated with keeping such a life style secret. This week he is in Vegas at the Wild Side, CD/Trans event. I can see that's it's a huge weight off him not to have to lie to me of his whereabouts. We have a 2nd home out west which would have been his excuse to travel, now I know the truth.

I thank you for your advice to branch out into different threads and topics. I have been doing quite a bit of reading here and look forward to meeting others with a common situation and to contribute in a thoughtful, honest and respectful way.

hugs to you,

GiGi

[Guest Georgia Grace]

Thank you too Megan, yes the isolation has been quite difficult, I feel like I could burst with the desire to have someone to talk to. I will keep looking for the right therapist.

GiGi

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's GiGi. My wife and i have done pretty well with accepting my "change". We have been together 46 years and this June will have been married 44. Now i've lived full time as myself for 3 years ands we are probably closer than ever. It is great that you are giving such support to your husband but please care for yourself. Therapy or simply having someone to talk to can make a huge difference. Both my wife and i thought we would loose family and friends but it never happened.

Don't worry about pronouns unless your husband feels he is female. As a woman i do get hurt when my wife uses he in front of a stranger. It is understandable. 40+ years of knowing him didn't disappear.

Laura's has helped many and i do hope it helps you as well.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Opal]

Welcome to Laura's Gigi! Your spouse is fortunate to have you be so supporative. I would agree to go slowly with telling anyone else, because once you tell someone, you can never untell them. In my case, I confided in my brother who accepted it for awhile, but then changed his mind.

If you are uncomfortable going to local therapists, there are some listed elsewhere on this site who can counsel via the Internet. Otherwise, it might make sense to seek out someone in another city thats not too far away.

Opal

[Guest honeynocturnal]

It's so beautiful to hear of someone who is willing to let love be their guide. You have followed your heart to the right place. Change is inevitable and it is wonderful that you have the capacity to embrace it! Live your lives to the fullest!

Loved the story about how he came out to you! well played!

[Guest]

Fiona...thank you or your warm welcome. Honestly, as accepting as I am I do have misgivings of my husbands cross dressing. I miss the man he once was and I miss the "us" of before cancer and CDing. But, there's no going back, so my options are to begin anew with him or bring an end to our life together, which I just can't imagine. This will be a test of true love--what can we each compromise for the sake of the other/marriage and what is more important self love and acceptance or the love and acceptance of another.

I sense that my initial acceptance will certainly free my husband to feel and express more of his feminine side. He is still in the closet to our teenage son, our extended families and friends. We work together in a small architectural design business which I think would suffer if this were known. As a woman I have a lot of beliefs on what it is to truly be a woman, it certainly involves a lot more than the embellishments of hair, makeup, boobs and clothing. I can see this leading to a lot of interesting discussions.... Which I welcome!

I think my husband did suffer from the guilt of secrecy and the lying associated with keeping such a life style secret. This week he is in Vegas at the Wild Side, CD/Trans event. I can see that's it's a huge weight off him not to have to lie to me of his whereabouts. We have a 2nd home out west which would have been his excuse to travel, now I know the truth.

I thank you for your advice to branch out into different threads and topics. I have been doing quite a bit of reading here and look forward to meeting others with a common situation and to contribute in a thoughtful, honest and respectful way.

hugs to you,

GiGi

Speaking from my perspective as the 'guy' my wife loves that is changing, I guess it's kinda true that I'm changing, into the person that I should have been if society wasn't so strict that people conform to their unrealistic guidelines of people fitting mold.

Because of this, I went to the extreme other side of the road and became a hardcore biker that loved nothing more than getting into fights and beating the crap out of people, I mean, I had to prove that I was a 'real' man, right? I joined a motorcycle club and ran around with other women, because that's what hardcore bikers do, right? No, not all me cheat, but hey.........

I retired from the MC and tried to be a better 'man', but only in the last year did I realize that all my antics (and I've written a book on one of my MC sites that I still run, about my antics) were not only to prove myself as a 'man', but I had an enormous amount of anger because I wasn't who, or what I needed to be.

Since changing I'm so very much happier and pleasant and my sarcastic (sometimes sardonic) personality has calmed. My wife and I are much happier and we don't fight donkey much. For a while if we got into a fight I had to change back to Daniel (clothing and all) because I felt so vulnerable that I had anxiety attacks, and started to feel stupid again, even though my wife doesn't even notice when I'm dressed anymore, it's just us.

Today, much more comfortable, and feel even when in an argument, I rarely ever notice that I'm dressed anymore, it's jut me.

In reality, much of the good stuff that was in me as Daniel is still in Fiona. However, I'm much calmer and don't have so much anger, and even Daniel is a better person.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess I'm trying to explain to myself as much as you that we are the same people and no longer hiding the 'good stuff' that was all locked up. Regardless of where your husband goes with this, your husband is the same person, They say the outside isn't as important as the inside. While I know the outside does contain some importance, I know that the inside can overcome the outside.

I hope you'll realize that the people at Laura's can become an extended part of your family. We're here to help as much donkey we can

**HUGS SWEETIE**

-Fiona

By the way, I only recently began taking photos of myself and posting them here, even my avatar. It sounds that your husband is much father than me in terms of fully confort within his/her skin. And that makes me so happy for you two....

[Guest Jennlewis]

I am amazed at what you ladies are saying, I just told my secret to my wife of 25 years it did not go as well. I am in my 3 day of saying these thing outlaid to two different people. I am depressed, scared and excited all at the same time. I don't know how to do this. I"m here to learn and appreciate each and every one of you. i'm so nervous now I can't type very well.

Thanks so much for what you are doing. I'm finally not alone.

Jen

[Angspear]

As a wife of a CD, I am full of emotions!! I am scared he will leave me for a man (or even more accepting woman), I am scared he no longer needs me as he has "her" (his alter ego for lack of a better word), I am angry because I feel fooled (I married a man afterall), I feel isolated because I have no one to talk to, I feel sexually unattractive and no longer desire it. I want to be a part of this with him, and most days I am cool about it as he wears panties/nylons daily now and its not even a big deal most days...but there are times I just wish I could have my husband...just him not "them". I try to tell him how I feel and he gets all angry and says to stop worrying he will never do it again (which we both know is a lie). I hate the lies! one day I see him tossing stuff, but the day after its back in his closet again. So that tells me he needs this and I need to find a way to be 100% ok with it...but its hard because I do not see a her or even him...I see a grown man dressing like a girly (he prefers sissy) and I just hate it sometimes (especially the full on dress up)....am I doomed here? Is there hope for us? I love HIM so so so much and want him to be happy (hence why I am seeking support and advice and guidance) He tells me he does NOT ever want to be a full on woman and does fantasize about gay moments and satisfies that with in shower anal play with himself (once in a blue moon asking me to put on a strap on, which I do but does not arose me what so ever) I guess I just need help learning to adapt. I am old school (44 years old here) and this is not easy for me....and especially for him. I want him and I to be happy accepting and loving open partners yet part of me does not want to be involved...yet I feel jealous that he shuts me out of lots. He will be looking at porn with she males and trannys and men in dresses, and I will walk in and he tries to hide it or change the screen as fast as he can...I feel cheated on then....but at the same time I am not sure I want him including me in his porn or lifestyle choices....Man I am so messed up here...am I alone on this???? Should I do him a favor and just go??!!! It would kill me, but I wonder if it would give him peace and happiness

....I hope this all makes sense.

[Jani]

Angspear, Don't feel fooled. My wife said the same thing when I told her. My response was that she's seeing the real me, uncovered by the mask of my male persona. As others have said, the anger has abated and I am showing my true self. I'm hoping your spouse is doing the same.

I don't know if there are any support groups in your area but I would recommend you seek one out, or see a counselor to talk over your thoughts and fears. It sounds like he needs to be more open with you (concerning porn, etc) so that you both can come to terms with this and find a level place where you're both comfortable. He needs to be himself but you also need to look out for your wellbeing. Good luck.

Jani