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Guest Sylph

Hi everyone!

I identify as intersex, although a Dr. would not be able to find anything that I could prove that with. I feel intersex, and behave like both a male and a female. I believe that the definition extends beyond reproductivity and stuff like that, and that since the mind and fat distribution are physical, that I count as intersex. I know how I feel. When I sneeze (my soal shoots out and then I BREATHE it back in again!) it kind of sounds like a man and a woman, and I don't like to be called androgynous. Secondary sexual characteristics like hormone levels and fat distribution can be changed by taking hormone supplements or blockers. I do not distinguish a natural state from a state which someone has institutes with drugs that change body chemistry. Since breast growth is a "sexual" characteristic, I believe that I am of the female sex - yet I feel male sometimes. Some people do not respect the way I identify, and suggest I call myself gender-queer or intergender. I prefer not to, and identify simply as a trans, intersex woman. THis angers many people who I believe should be respecting me, and sometimes do not. So if you don't like me, don't read what I write, you know? SOme people have suggested I stay out of intersex forums. I will not do that, I refuse. I mean, if the admin kicks me out, that'd make me sad and angry, and I'd stop using the site. But I don't expect that to happen. I don't know this site, I am new. I just know facebook forums - Intersex and Trans alliance - which is usually very friendly - and Trangender Support - which has nice admins, but often mean separatist members.

Please be respectful of me. It is OK with me if you say, "I don't think you are intersex. It sounds like you aren't." But it is not OK with me if you say, "You aren't intersex, you are a phony, or mistaken." We can disagree, and although we don't have to agree to disagree, I do like being respected and not insulted. I write this because it has happened a lot on facebook. People are mean there, and I'd really appreciate it if people would point out that we have things in common, rather than how we are different and therefore can't get along.

I can be a very good friend by the way. Here is some information on me...

When I was 3, I became increasingly mentally ill until I was truly a danger to others at age 30. I am 31 now. I have been forcefully medicated, and my mental illness went away. I've even been violent. I am not proud to have been violent, but my mental illness was treatable, and I am very happy now - with my own apartment, freedom, medication, and I am recovering from a self-inflicted injury to my right ankle from 2013. I just got surgery to remove the bone spurs. I take psychiatric medication to make sure I never harm anyone else or myself, both which were tragic interferon in my life, and which made me extremely unhappy. However, when I awoke from anesthesia on June 17th 2015, the Dr. told me, "We did not have to do the Achilles tendon lengthening or the calf muscle release. We only had to get rid of the bone spurs."... I became ecstatic and mildly manic, as well as very relieved. I have been suicidal before, but no longer, and my life is going well. I still get moody, and it hurts when people don't want anything to do with me because I had psychosis in my past. So I have social security income, and the freedom to go home and chill out like I am right now. Since I am currently unemployed - but really do have opportoonity to get a job in the next few months after my ankle recovers. I have been in mental hospitals, jails, and prison (prison only for 27 days though) and am doing better. Sometimes the "system" recognizes things a mentally ill person does as being morally wrong, rather than just something done in a state of confusion. Prosecutors also like getting promoted. Seeing things about prison or jail triggers me to have bad, disturbing dreams. But I miss the mental hospitals, where I had intimate, wonderful friends. One of them died of anorexia, and I was grieving about it for a short time the other day. I have been anorexic which brings me to the next topic...

In my support group (in person) we talk about body image, at least we did last time. So I remember when I was 14 and anorexic. I recommend no one else take this path. I lost height and fat. Not cool. I lost bone. One of my friends died of it. I used to get angry at myself and smoke. Lots of info, but what I have in common with people actually diagnosed with an intersex condition is this: I believe there situation is usually more severe than mine was, but just as Dr.s threaten to change the sex of an intersex person, the mental hospital I was in was threatening to forcefeed me with a tube in order to make me conform to an ideal MALE weight. I was not bordering on underweight status for a FEMALE. This is a loophole abusive mental hospital staff use, and often they aren't aware it is abusive. So that is what I have in common.

I was looking at a picture of myself from 2013, when I was mentally ill and at the highest point of psychosis I had ever been at. I would run uphill all day also. So I was very, very fit and lean, and looked like a samurai or something. I named one picture "soldier of peace" where I made the peace sign with both hands, and "soldier of war" where I just looked angry and way beyond dysphoric.

Once I was on FaceBook, and I told my android phone the word "like" and it thought I said "black", so the phone wrote "black people." The post showed up, and one of my black friends just blocked me. The post didn't make much sense, but that's how people judge other people sometimes. It was unintentional, and yet I still got blocked and people called me racist. I still don't know the definition of "troll". But I think someone who says that I am not intersex - I am false - or mistaken - and that their definition, the definition of some medical association, and their opinion decide what I am - they become trolls. Or mean. Or something.

I DEFINE ME! I DEFINE ME AS TRANS AND INTERSEX AND FEMAL (maybe switching back to male however)! NO ONE CAN TAKE THIS FROM ME, AND I DON'T TOLERATE ABUSE! I BLOCK AND IGNORE!

I just had to write that. Please respect me. I must admin, disrespect hurts. People attack me and say that I am mistaken, I am not truly intersex. I do not believe they should be doing that. I define myself in this regard as I explained earlier. I also define my own race, in some circumstances. In as much as we all started out as male, then perhaps all males who identify as intersex, are as such. I believe that anyone who identifies that way should be treated with the respect and dignity of being called what they ask to be called. Just as trans and intersex people ask for the correct pronouns, I ask for respect. Not to be told that I am wrong. in fact, if someone wants to state what they're opinion is, they are welcome to. But remember that if you believe I am not intersex, that is merely your opinion. Sex is abstract. No defining characteristics of males nor females have been defined. Some people are like this, that, in between, or both, and ultimately all that counts is how I define me.

I also identify as white. I know that technically, I am mixed race. I have African and Chinese ancestry. But I don't have a lot of it. So just like how I identify as a woman rather than an androgyne, I just identify as white. However, if someone tells me I am not black, I must correct them and remind them that all human life on Earth began with ancestor(s) from Africa. So I am mixed race. I believe the only people with pure race are African people who have never reproduced with any other race. They could be African American too, I think. But it's weird. Once you cross the border and go to another continent, or take an airplane or whatever, that changes your race? It seems pretty abstact. For this reason, I take offense when people tell me I am not black. My race, just as what's between my legs is none of their business. I don't wear a sticker that says I am mixed, and because the People of Color so-called support group where I live is run by a black separatist, I will have nothing to do with it.

Respect is important. I hurt no one with my own identity. I believe that applies to others as well.

Have a nice day!

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  • Forum Moderator

Nice to meet you Sylph. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You might want to share an introduction in that forum so more folks will come to know you. You could also give a link to this forum. We all have different journeys but i have found that by sharing mine and reading about the journeys of others i can find peace with myself.

Hugs,

Charlize

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  • Root Admin

Hello Sylph,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You'll find that we are non judgmental here. However you want to express your identity is fine with us. I understand there was a question of why a previous post of yours didn't show up. All posts are moderated for the purpose of our members safety. We don't allow any personal attacks, profanity or anything else that is against our Terms and Conditions. There is a link to them at the bottom right of every page. Once a moderator has reviewed a post and it is shown to be suitable, it will be approved and will show up in the forum it was posted in.

Again, welcome to the forums. :)

MaryEllen

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