From crossdressing to trans?

[Guest gg_br_alex]

Hello, everyone. I am from Brazil, and I`ve been on Lauras Playground Forum for quite a while, even though I haven`t interacted so much. Recently my life had a big twist and I decided to share my story.

Up until recently (about 2 months ago), I would see myself solely as a cross-dressing man. Even though have hidden the cross-dressing from myself for too long I began to accept it (about 3,5 years ago) and it felt awesome. My SO is supportive and helps me buying clothing, shoes and lingerie. I even got myself a pair of breast forms - the first time I tried them on gave me a feeling I don't even know enough English to describe.

While I struggled with crossdressing I was always paying attention to every trans woman story on the media. Sometimes I would check transitioning videos on the web, as if looking through a display on a very expensive store I could never afford or even dare to enter.

After a while cross-dressing, I started to feel it wasn't enough. Wearing clothes and breast forms didn't do the trick anymore. And then I realized I had an actual wish of being female. As I stumbled upon this, I went on and read everything I could find on the matter, watched a zillion transition videos and interviews, and the more I'd see, the more I'd realize I wanted this. It broke me into pieces.

Then I started remembering the moments in my life that gave me clues. I allowed myself to confront the memories of things I did and felt as a kid and as a pre-adolescent. I made a list of ~15 such memories, which vary from painting toenails pink, asking my mom to get me girl's clothings (as a 5,6 years old boy) to wishing I'd grow breasts and become a woman (as a pre-adolescent).

The feeling of realizing that I wanted to be a woman hit me so hard, I even talked to two of my best friends about it. They were very understanding and 100% supportive. It felt amazing, as I had never ever told anyone (but my girlfriend) about these feelings, because I thought that no one would ever understand or be by my side.

Right now I am seeing a therapist which has experience on the subject and who has worked with a lot of trans women and men. I also got to know a trans girl from my town and it`s very good to have someone to talk to who understands a lot of what I`m going through.

I am in the proccess of realizing who I really am, and of deciding wether or not I will transition (HRT and surgeries). I`ve been thinking about it everyday, imagining myself as a woman, about what I`ll look like, about the things I`m gonna wear and how is it to see myself as a woman, after passing for so long as a man.

I would very much like to hear any advice, comments or similar stories.

Thanks to whoever has the patience to read me

[CiCi_73]

Hi,

I appreciated reading your story. I also struggled many years (40), I sadly lacked the intuition you have had so I never understood what I was doing or why I was doing it. I just kept trying to deny there was something going on, but my cross dressing never went away. In fact, it came back with a vengence until I could no longer ignore it. And after immersing myself in my desires to be feminine, I also have realized that I am more than just cross dressing. Right now I am doing very well with makeup, breast forms, padded panties, etc. and have found that I can be out in public without anyone paying me too close attention (and, in fact, treating me like the woman I am).

For myself, I don't know how far I will need to transition. I have fears, but I have a great gender therapist and I am sure she will help me to find the answers I need. You seem very set on the idea, and I admire that. I so new to everything I don't know if I have any real advice, but I can tell you being able to live as I truly am has been the best experience of my life, and I also dream of the day when I can be myself 24/7.

Good luck to you on your journey,

Hugs,

Courtney

[Guest]

Another one slipped on the dance floor and fell into womanhood. I love that music! All your sisters here will pick you up and dust you off, while you adjust your skirt. Then we will hug you and say "Welcome home to sisterhood, female fits you nicely!" Very becoming. Hug. JodyAnn

[Drea]

Is there a CD that doesn't fantasize about living full time? And as they age about having the genuine female accessories that they can get from hormones and/or surgery?

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story, there are many elements in it that are quite familiar to most of us. I had similar memories from childhood: asking at age 5 "why am I not a girl?", debating with my female relatives (at the age of six or seven) when they said it was better to be male (after I had made the mistake of saying that I wanted to be a girl), and other similar events. Of course I could recount dozens of instances in my past that would indicate that I was trans, but I grew up in an era when no one spoke of anything outside the binary norms of the 1960s. Starting in the 1970s my outward displays of femininity went underground, and I put up a macho facade as a shield to cover the real me. In my case, I didn't cross dress very much: just skirts, and sarongs at Pagan festivals, and kilts sometimes in public really. Ultimately after my bell rang, I decided to transition, and I am happy to say it was the right decision for me. I am happily living full time as myself, and it is great. If you do decide to fully transition, good luck, and happy shopping for lots of cute clothes, and shoes.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks for posting, Alex. My story is similar and different to yours. For me, the physical longing to be female is recent. It's been bubbling in the background for years, but only in the past several months have I allowed myself to clearly see it. When I allow myself to see and express my feminine nature, I experience a positive shift. And when I deny my femininity, I lose myself. In the past couple weeks, due to time constraints and other obligations, I haven't been able to dress en femme as much as I had from about late April to June. I feel less clear, less confident, and have settled back into some of my old feelings of confusion and anger during this time that I've been regressing to male.

Regression... it does feel like that.

All through my youth, my teenage years, my twenties, I felt different and alone. I didn't make friends easily and had terrible self-esteem. I didn't gravitate toward most "boy" stuff, but I also didn't have any opportunity to explore "girl" stuff. I do remember, as a young child, having friends that were girls--but these memories are hazy. More clear to me are the memories of playing--and failing to connect with--boys. I recall wanting and trying to talk about emotions and honesty and relationships with other boys. This went okay for a while, when I was a younger. But as the boys around me grew and matured, that kind of talk didn't seem to fly very well. And I felt awkward with and disinterested in the things that interested these other boys. By the time I was a teenager I had almost completely isolated myself; I had one good friend and no desire to make any other friends.

Everyone assumed I was a boy. So much so that I never questioned that, and I got boxed in. I tried hard to be a boy, but... I don't know, I guess I didn't know how...? So I became very self-conscious and isolated myself more and more. Many times over the years, I found myself in situations where I just couldn't function. My teens and twenties were spent in a melancholy stupor. Very joyless. During that time I was going through motions, trying to keep up, trying to sort out what it is a person was supposed to do in life. None of the things I felt were expected seemed natural or desirable to me, so I sort of bumped around blindly, without ambition.

In my late twenties and early thirties, I finally began to wake up. Slowly. And I'm still waking up as I approach 40. It's difficult to wake up to being trans*. On one hand there's joy and self-love and gender euphoria; on the other hand there's fear and navigating relationships and society.

Well, that's what I wanted to share tonight. I don't know if it will resonate with you or anyone else, but it's something I needed to write out and process a bit. Thanks.

[Guest April Kristie]

When I decided to stop wearing women's clothing part time and get serious about this new redesigned me. I sat down with a gender therapist and discussed my feelings desires and needs in depth. As time passed and I evolved into my new life, I found the need for support of the people who have experience helping others through life. Sure the folks here at LP are wonderful and I am so happy to have found them, they however are no substitute for one on one mental help. All the best to you.

[Guest gg_br_alex]

Thank you all for taking your time to read me and reply to me. I was very excited to see my story.

As my eyes were finally open to the fact that I probably am a trans, it was the worst moment of my life - I had days and days in a terribly anxious state, my thoughts just nonstopping and my heart beating like it would crawl its way out of my chest.

After discussing this with my girlfriend, my therapist and my friends, it started going away and I began to learn to understand and accept me. I do feel I have this kind of "female energy" trapped inside of me, but it's so difficult to let it out. It's like being playing a character for so long (being male) that it gets hard to go back to your true self. Slowly I've been experimenting on different postures (walking, sitting, standing), mannerisms, and whatnot...and it feels so relaxing and liberating.

Althought I`ve been gradually feeling a little better about myself, for me, the hardest part is picturing the future. For many reasons (which I wont discuss at the moment), I dont have the luxury of transitioning now or in the next 3 or 4 years. But I do picture how it would be, in every aspect. And everytime, the thing that scares me the most is talking to my close relatives. I am really afraid that my father would completely lose it, can`t help but think that my mom would dive into depression, and god knows how my older brother would react. Thinking about this really makes me nervous.

[Guest Vicky]

It is wonderful that you have so much support to your transition. I had a similar experience to yours when I first tried on my breastform: I felt so whole and happy about my body, it was one of my biggest realization of gender identity disphoria...I wore them literally for days and did not take them off at nights neither. My desire to start HRT is greater than ever before...

Love,

Lily Vicky

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Alex,

It was nice to read your story (I like your writing style) and it has elements which ring true for me. I'm sure you must be realising that we all have similar stories.

Do remember though, your story is YOUR story and so you should do what you feel is right for you as and when it is right for YOU. So, if you need to wait for several years - well that's okay, just do things when you are ready (it gives you more time to research and plan things anyway).

Now, about telling relatives. I would say that this is the hardest part. With some of mine, I went to them individually and sat down with them and told them face to face. Others (who I thought might not take it very well), I wrote a letter and gave it to them and asked them to read it TO THE END before saying anything. This way, I knew that they would read ALL of the facts before 'reacting'. In my case, everything went pretty well.

In my experience though, I've found that you can never tell how people will react when you tell them. Those I expected to take it well often didn't and those I expected to take it badly took it really well. In fact, I have a colleague who I thought would be horrible to me is actually a friend of mine now (he has been wonderful). So you can never tell how people will be.

However your story unfolds Alex, I wish you the very best of luck.

Kerry

[Guest Raya]

Hi Alex, and welcome to the playground, and, as Jody said, to the dance!

You can find many stories here, so I will offer only this brief advice: give your SO a big hug and kiss, show them your love and appreciation in some tangible way, and cherish them.

[Guest Rachelle68]

OMG girl, our stories sound so the same, I started out cross dressing but wanted more, once I accepted that I was transgender everything became more clearer, now I want and need to transition. Becoming a women seems so right and beautiful, express yourself and enjoy what is has to offer!

[Cyndee]

Is there a CD that doesn't fantasize about living full time? And as they age about having the genuine female accessories that they can get from hormones and/or surgery?

The CD that can take off the dress and live as a man are out there, probably in large numbers, and lot's of older ones too, it's like why even bring it up ? Fantasies with them don't equate to actions changing their bodies, however for this thread, it's about discovering it might just be more involved than simply clothes or accessories, and seriously considering action (at any age).

Wise words can be found here, all about those that might want to live the "sexy life" (a real quote from Lynn's site).

Regrets ?

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html

Social risks ?

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TS-IIa.html#anchor273209

Quoted from the page above

"Successful transition may simply be beyond people who cannot rapidly learn new skills by carefully watching others do things and then calibrate the reactions of others when they try to do the same things. Successful transition requires lots of street smarts and common sense, an ability to quickly learn new practical skills, a lot of drive and a lot of hard work".

Lynn talks about having your life together such as having an employable skill, the means to support yourself, before attempting transition, and I really have to agree with her. Having the ability to learn quickly and improvise, an intuition, a situational awareness, and just good people skills in general really help move you along....

Best to you

C -

[Guest]

Thank you Cyndi for posting this, your timing is impeccable! You have helped me do the balance sheet on my transition. I don't like to leave variables unexamined.

I have put in enough research and life experience as a grown woman, not sex, not fashion, not makeup. The realities of all the trade offs of assuming my female roll. In all the years I have been here, I have shared information that was often poo pooed. Disregarded as I don't know why. I can't force feed my knowledge, though I am not an expert, or guru. Factually I am a community of one. I only know about me.

What's my bottom line? I have nothing left male. I am a female living in a female world. I have thousands of women I interact with that know I am not a man. Hundreds at least, love and respect me as such. What a wonderful miracle and reward for doing what is right FOR ME. I can only wish that for others similar to me.

The regrets of others, fully researched shows me some differences between their expectations, journeys, outcomes and regrets. I don't have to live in their realities and they can't steal mine.

I have thousands of churning thoughts and emotions as the clock ticks a countdown to my surgery. I have made my best effort to differenciate between my wants and needs exposing, as best I can, all my true motives to myself.

Thank you for giving me the final piece to my puzzle. I am at peace with my decisions. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks for sharing that link, Cyndi. Those stories are important to consider. Important to remember, too, that there are many ways to be trans*.

[Charlize]

The doubt train is always running but time living as myself while maybe showing me other character defects seems to have made life much better with a kind of peace i haven't felt before. I too have surgery scheduled. And even with the experience of several years the train still hauls doubts home on occasions.

Hugs,

Charlize

[VickySGV]

Hell, even I have doubts, and I am two years and 7 months too late to do anything about them. The damage, if damage it is, has been done, and I am happy it was done. I too have many friends who have certainly had BRIEF fantasy's about doing what I did, and then "take the dress off" and are happy to be male for the other times in their lives. I have even scared a few off of going as far as I have by telling the truth about what it is like "on the other side", and the truth is that it is not anywhere close to what I thought it would be, but it is the life I have now and am happy with. I still wonder if I could have lived doing less than I have, and the answer is a definite "MAYBE BUT---". BUT what?? SSSHHHH!! I will never know if I could have done less!! I cannot claim a "sexy" life (other than my plastic dilators) because I do not look for some relationships to any great degree. Those are not important to my life. My relation with myself is fine though, and that is what I need.

[Guest Raya]

Excellent topic, I've thought a lot, read a lot, talked a lot before going forward. Very glad to see the honest discussion here and in Lynn Conway writings.

I expect I will earn less, at least initially, due to losing some (construction) clients. I can adapt to a lesser income, and seem to have enough ongoing work to stay fed. This will limit how fast I can proceed with things, but I am motivated to save up for eventual srs.

I will lose some friends, but have found many, as well as a new social life. Family has been almost all good so far, and the "difficult" branches I havent dealt with, well, I can do without.

The added chaos due to transition has been far outweighed by the peace I've found so far, just getting started. I do expect the chaos to ramp up, and don't expect the serenity can keep up, but that's ok.

For me, there was an erotic component to dressing. This was a bit of a red flag, but believe this was because it was my only outlet for the femme. I do not generally get aroused by dressing femme, and still enjoy it. My clothing has definitely become more presentable, and I've had some positive comments about my look.

So, we do need to go forward with eyes wide open. I needed this "gut check"

[Guest Razilee]

"Right now I am doing very well with makeup, breast forms, padded panties, etc. and have found that I can be out in public without anyone paying me too close attention (and, in fact, treating me like the woman I am)" as well. I have thought about going to a gender therapist, but am still keeping that on hold. I have read so much on how hormone change some in unexpected ways or not at all that I I am not making such a step if I don't have to, so I guess I'm genderfluid and likely to remain so. May God guide you on your journey.

Love

Raz

[Guest]

Excellent topic, I've thought a lot, read a lot, talked a lot before going forward. Very glad to see the honest discussion here and in Lynn Conway writings.

I expect I will earn less, at least initially, due to losing some (construction) clients. I can adapt to a lesser income, and seem to have enough ongoing work to stay fed. This will limit how fast I can proceed with things, but I am motivated to save up for eventual srs.

I will lose some friends, but have found many, as well as a new social life. Family has been almost all good so far, and the "difficult" branches I havent dealt with, well, I can do without.

The added chaos due to transition has been far outweighed by the peace I've found so far, just getting started. I do expect the chaos to ramp up, and don't expect the serenity can keep up, but that's ok.

For me, there was an erotic component to dressing. This was a bit of a red flag, but believe this was because it was my only outlet for the femme. I do not generally get aroused by dressing femme, and still enjoy it. My clothing has definitely become more presentable, and I've had some positive comments about my look.

So, we do need to go forward with eyes wide open. I needed this "gut check"

There is a lot of help for female small business owners. Associations, networking groups, funding help and such...

Would any of those resources be of value to you. An F gender marker opened a lot of doors for me. No one ever told me I didn't qualify. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Raya]

Thank you, JodyAnn. I am going to be looking into registering as a female owned small business after I'm transitioned, which will help down the road.

I'm thinking I'll be changing that M to an F on my IDs next year. Endo in 2 days, and once the hormones start, I may get a better idea just how fast things can move. It will take me a while to save up for GCS. Good luck with your trip, I'm jealous!

So, in regard to the original post, for me it seems like I'm changing from fantasy to femme, and really looking forward to it, in spite of the challenges.

[Guest dani83]

gg_br_alex, I'm also from Brazil and I have many similarities with your history. Back then when I started discovering myself I thought I was a fetichist for my desire for wearing female clothes... mostly because I was trying to understand myself studying through psychology and psychiatry books, which later I discovered were not the best source of information at all. Then I've gone through a phase were I though I was a crossdresser and I had a hard time trying to accept it as my "hobby"... It was not enough.

I had lots of denial phases and finaly someday it hit me that I wasn't just a crossdresser, that I really was missing part of my identity. Then I decided accept me as transgender and to move forward to HRT and surgeries. Of course, it was not simple as that... all steps were very long, but looking behind now I can say that all the time I knew I was trans, but I needed to do each step to gather courage for the next. Ever since I got access to the internet I research for SRS and trans people. So I guess it was all there but my own prejudice was stoping me from going forward.

Today at 32 years old I live full time as a woman. My transition is long from being complete, but every day is a bless and I feel the peace of being myself. Of course the other regular problems of life are still there, but at least I'm being truthful to myself.

I'm not saying that you indeed are trans, some people are comfortable being crossdresser. But for me it was just another step on the road to my true identiy.

[Nicole W]

1st time i have read anything thing that makes perfect sense , and now i am crying..............

[Guest]

1st time i have read anything thing that makes perfect sense , and now i am crying..............

I am glad for your awakening and self acceptance. We and you are helping to rewrite the psychology journals. Is that cool or what? Hug. JodyAnn