Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

transtweaker


JJ BLOSSOM

Recommended Posts

Hi I'm JJ, 25 years old, MTF & meth addict going on 7 yrs now...eeveryone is free to comment on this not that it will get.me to change I've done jail time probation counseling rehab & I yet still i always find myself with.the pipe in my fingers again I stayed clean for 3 months so I could see my therapist to get on my hormones & that's the longest in 7 years I've went...don't get me wrong is not that I planned on using Meth again after I got what I needed (believe me I've said I'm done so many times & I believe myself).I'll throw my bags scale pipes bongs away & truly intend to not look back but I get going about my life refusing to look for it & it litterally always comes & flops right in my lap & i go on a binge for anywhere from a week to months of just constant non stop use I've lost all my friends not because they know I'm trans but I'm a different person than I used to be but cryatal Meth keeps me company, stealing the hottest clothing & attire from stores, spending all night tweaking out on my makeup infrot of the mirror & when I was still experimenting try in to decide if I was cross dresser or Trans, meth made it possible for me to work all day then dress up all night I know I've already caused considerable amounts of damage to my health & body with my drug use trying to drown.my feelings living in denial refusing to accept that I really want to be a woman.day to day life for me is uphill seems like between my addiction, depression, anxiety I'm always thinking about my surgery wishin it was going down sooner & loneliness not having friends or family to talk to because no one understands how it feels to be Trans unless you're Trans as well that's why I'm telling you who read this add me as a friend if you want I need your support you're my people &.I'm proud to be transcended & excited for the beautiful woman I am to become! Please let me hear your thoughts & feedback maybe Sone of you have or are struggling with addition too

Link to comment
  • Admin

It was not Crystal for me, but Alcohol which was my attempt to kill myself. I had seen my mother die from Alcoholic Liver syndrome and while I knew she suffered with it, my suffering from GD made what she went through seem the less evil. I was hurting that badly.

This was my first post here on the subject of my addiction, and if you search the Addiction forums, you can read plenty of my stories of how my life has progressed, and there are quite a few of them. I am now at 6 years and 9 months sober, I am post transition, and post op.

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881

This was my post last October on my "Birthday" and there are others in between. http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=64115

Today I am the moderator over in Chat for an AA/NA/ <whatever>A chat on Sunday evenings at 9PM eastern time where you or any Trans* addict that want to can come for online action toward recovery. You are not alone, and there is hope. When you get 5 posts here you can use our Personal Messenger feature here, and I do have others on the forum who PM me from time to time about their fights with addiction, and we do talk the same language. IRL, I do have Trans* friends who are recovering tweakers and who are also Co-dependents from families where addiction was the rule and the terror. Welcome to the Playground, I am some others will be very glad to take part with you "on the road to happy destiny" as Bill W. puts it in the Promises of AA.

PS-this post also can be a fun and relevant read-- Enjoy ---http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=63903

Edited by VickySGV
added PS in lieu of second post
Link to comment

Wow..Jody Ann, Vickie.....I sincerely thank you for not only your great input advice & insight but also & just as meaningful thank you for your support & friendliness it really set the mood & I'm starting off in the right state

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

Hello JJ,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. We're here to help in any way we can so don't be afraid to ask questions. :)

MaryEllen

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome JJ. There a many of us that have experience with addictions. I hope you can join us on a Sunday. I used a good bit of meth but managed to leave that behind after an almost fatal injection. Alcohol became my drug of choice by the end.

Sobriety has helped me to come to grips with my gender issues.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment

I really appreciate all of you!!! This is The close knit sisterhood I've only dreamed of... I amongst friend's & I can be me & be honest..Im open to attend the online NA.... I'll be honest tho I attended AS & NA while in a luxury rehab center 30 day in patient for $45,000.00...& I still managed to be right back in this mess I'm juggling thru jobs I'm in a bad spot from any angle yyou look at it.my& yet I'm sitting here doing my nails...& smokin tweak.letting my troubled mind worrying about fixin everything

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I thought i would share this with you JJ.

458.gif
July 28

"AA may or may not get me to heaven, but it surely got me out of hell."

"Something Revolutionary," Nairobi, Kenya, April 1998
AA Around the World: Adventures in Recovery

I'm no longer in hell thanks to AA. As far as i know this living as myself in some kind of peace is as close to heaven as i'll get. If so it's certainly good enough.

Join us here and if you are interested there are also trans. AA Skype meetings several times a week that i attend and enjoy with my brothers and sister around the world.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment

Ive known quite a few people who will tell you they owe there lives to NA CA AA when everything.else had failed this simple program & thouroughly working the 12 steps they were finally equipped with the tools needed to take back there lives. I agree... there's no doubt in my mind that if i wouldve kept callin my sponsor goin to meetings & kept workin on my 12 steps I would be in a much different place instead I got on the plane to head home from rehab & I.drank on the plane ride home I got home & didn't even look into where the meetings in my area we're held but I thought hell I don't need there cult to stay clean, afterall I was so happy with my life after 23 yrs of self loathing confusion pain isolation & silence I was finally on my way transitioning all it took was running into an old buddy that I'd sokf a lot of dope with & that relapse never let me walk away from it

Link to comment
  • Admin

In one of my AA groups, we have a guy who recently got a 30 day chip, his 5th chip in the year I have been in this meeting, he did get one ninety day in there too, but he keeps trying anyway, and is welcomed back each time with open arms. I am the chip person for another meeting as well, where I have given several welcome chips, even to people who had more time than I have had this time. I speak relapse, because I have been there over stupid Gender Dysphoria. Nothing else I am going to say!!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

There are those who call them selves"first time winners". I am one of them but i also have come to realize that i never tried to quit simply because i knew i was powerless and had crossed the line into the pit. I have friends who went to rehab and then went back out several times as well as some who went straight to a meeting when they got out and are sober today. I never got to rehab. I managed to drive to a meeting even though the alcohol, that never left my system by then, created hallucinations that made driving difficult at best. I just gave up and let myself be helped by the hands that were reaching out to help me.

I will never forget when i was early to a meeting , making coffee and setting up for a 9:00Pm meeting at 8:00. A young g woman came in fresh from rehab. I had just started transition and felt awkward but we talked as i made coffee and set up the literature. She was my first female sponsee and i'm glad to say she hasn't done drugs or alcohol for over 4 years now despite going through some very rough times.

We all have different paths and so much depends on who we bump into. Keep trying until you have some buddies you don't smoke dope with. I have found much more in sobriety than being sober.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment

I really appreciate all of you!!! This is The close knit sisterhood I've only dreamed of... I amongst friend's & I can be me & be honest..Im open to attend the online NA.... I'll be honest tho I attended AS & NA while in a luxury rehab center 30 day in patient for $45,000.00...& I still managed to be right back in this mess I'm juggling thru jobs I'm in a bad spot from any angle yyou look at it.my& yet I'm sitting here doing my nails...& smokin tweak.letting my troubled mind worrying about fixin everything

That close knit sisterhood will expand exponentially if you walk through the open doors! It's not a cult, or a brain washing, it's a brain cleansing and an open door to a new way of life.

Back in my meth days, I was not one of those that could do a little bit every day. I slammed a ton, staying awake four to seven days at a time. I would collapse and reemerged three days later. I ODed but never died. Sux the life away quickly.

Forgive me for being preachy. I buy the nicest name brand fashions that I could never afford new from thrift stores. Jacking from stores has a sorry future. When we transition our life choices get much more limited. A sheet longer than your arm will destine you to a poverty far worse than mine.

Let's do the math; all the money you spend for your ticket on the flying express would pay for your complete transition. They are very slow to bring you HRT and surgery in the pen. At your age, I'm sure you are super hot, stay on that and at thirty five or forty you will probably look like a bag lady! Change your playgrounds and change your playmates, get your hiney to a meeting now!

I'm not your conscience, I'm not your mother, I'm not your sponsor, I can't make you do anything. I'm also not your enemy! I'm the blunt old witch with the bad news and a crystal globe that I bought with the same bad choices. I have all the worn out tattered T-shirt dresses to prove it. I am trying to be a loving friend, a sister in transition and recovery, I apologize if my tart love is not sugar coated. Hug. JodyAnn

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
Guest clearleeraines

I thought i would share this with you JJ.

458.gif
July 28

"AA may or may not get me to heaven, but it surely got me out of hell."

"Something Revolutionary," Nairobi, Kenya, April 1998

AA Around the World: Adventures in Recovery

I'm no longer in hell thanks to AA. As far as i know this living as myself in some kind of peace is as close to heaven as i'll get. If so it's certainly good enough.

Join us here and if you are interested there are also trans. AA Skype meetings several times a week that i attend and enjoy with my brothers and sister around the world.

Hugs,

Charlize

I LOVE IT! JULY 28TH IS MY BELLYBUTTON BDAY. Mine was Crown Royal & dilaudid/opana/black tar heroin. I have two sons, there mother is dead due to meth @33 yrs used bout 6 to 7 years. However the pychosis was permenent before that. meth causes permenent phychological problems eventually, I will pray for you. If you want to ever live your dreams, GO TO TREATMENT AGAIN! THIS TIME TELL THEM EVERYTHING, THEN FOLLOW SUGGESTION. Or die. I was 9.75 yrs cleansober n/a a/a never told anyone bout anything! ur as sick as ur secrets they say. I relapsed for 5 yrs "stuck" wanted out/back "stuck" homeless,jails,finally prison.

Funny thing about prision, they the other hommies on the yard will find you out gay,trans,pedophile,junkie,whatever so.... depending what yard you land in ect. Anyway you don't wanna know. I am sober/clean nonsmoker "yeah" that one was a freebie. Today I am on parole for two more yrs, My p.o. knows what time it is I.E. i am trans/androgyne I found a dr who put me on hrt a year ago my hair is shoulder length and beautyful I AM LIVING MY DREAM TODAY. I pay nothing for my dr or hrt or dentist i have a perfect smile now my junkie was missing eye teeth on the top "PRETTY" NOT!. i FEEL GUILTY I HAVE IT SO GOOD TODAY . Clear

for more information on this and more life enhancing free gifts, visit AA.ORG or NA.ORG today to find the closest help near you, remember it's free and confedential get yours today!

Link to comment

first up a big hug my name is kim and am dieing that said I will help u any way I can but u have to be true to yourself too if u are ready to get off the merry go round u need to move to a town that don't know u. I tell u am dieing because life to short y know what to do u just have to make up your mind which u want more? I love to be your friend but my time short so I help as long as possible it your call

Link to comment
Guest clearleeraines

I wish more than anything else, I could say the one thing that would bring that "moment of clarity" to you, the power to change. We change or we get changed, The universe WILL have her way with you like it or not. Getting changed hurts like hell, IF you survive!. "When the pain it takes to remain the same, is greater than the pain it takes to change, we change. IF we survive. When I got out of prison jan14 this year and went back to my N/A homegroup after 5+ years out, 21 peaple had died, all but two had relapse, those two were suicide & cancer caused by meth. When you factor in trans death rate and addiction death rate Whew! its over 50%. I have survivers guilt/ptsd, That is something you never want to have. I am 54 yrs old I have paid a inhumane price. I pray OUR words reach your heart, I pray you be given a gift, A gift so many of us have paid dearly for . There is a BETTER way.

TRUST AND BELIEVE

Your fallen angel, Clear

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Hi JJ,

I am a fellow tweaker in Recovery I have 11 month clean. I haven't used as long as you I used for 10 months I went to using daily in a matter of weeks. I'm married, have a son, I'm a professional and I almost lost it all. I have once chance. I got into using when meeting some new trans friends for sex (yes I cheated many times during this time when I was using). I thought that it allowed me to be who I was, it gave me a voice, I could finally talk and have confidence. At one point in time I thought that I was on top of the world, I owned my own business, had a family, had money, and was high. Little did I realize that it was taking bigger and bigger chunks out of my life, out of who I was as person, changing me and my principles and letting me violate all my principles that I believe in and how I was taught. I met someone who I hold dear when I was using and she helped me find a part of my trans self but she still uses and I won't let that jeopardize my sobriety because of my profession I get UA'ed 4-5 times a month and that does help, but believe me when I say that I think about using every day, but I play the tape forward. I used to get the cravings with the sweaty palms but very rarely anymore but the thought of using still pops in my head and I think about everything that it did for me and the bad things, I have to recall all of it all the risk I put myself in, the fear sometimes of buy crap in dangerous situation, the sexual risk I put myself in, and one of the hardest now I'm working on is the had intercourse up twisted thinking that I developed when using. Its like it really turned me into something that I didn't believe in and now I have to screw my head back on right, but at the same time I'm a very sexually open person like I like to be tied up, or whipped but learning how to not associate those activities with these weird thoughts that I created when using. That is where I am at now.

Rachel

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 101 Guests (See full list)

    • MaeBe
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Willow
      Good morning,   I over slept yesterday was a couple minutes late clocking in.  But no breakfast or coffee.  Got caught up but it was go go go all morning.  I had to ask for a refresher on how I was to enter something but once I got a quick answer it came back to me.    @KymmieL sorry Ford didn’t work out.  We are always looking for good reliable people, I could get you a job here but the commute would be rough.  Today I have three audits to get done, plus other things during my shift on top of the regular things.  Since I am opening that puts me in the drivers seat.  The Asst Mgr comes in part way throuh my shift but she will have to handle customers while I do the work she would be doing if she opened. Tail wagging the dog.  Guess she’s getting punished for not following the Mgr’s requests.  They do tend to butt heads a lot.     Butting heads with people is a thing the Asst is known for.   @awkward-yet-sweet do you think just maybe this new graphics request was in the offing?  And why you were asked to go to work with your husband?  Obviously, he cares about you a lot and is trying to do things to help you.   speaking of meeting people @Adrianna Danielle we have a youngish customer who comes in frequently, I’d like to approach her but I’m just not certain yet.  She still dresses male but has long hair and early chest development.  My approach, if I ever decided I should would just be supportive but I really can’t be sure that is what is going on here or what and I would not want to make a big blunder if that’s not what he is doing.  A male with early teen boobs doesn’t want to be noticed.   well, I can’t be late again, I’ve got to leave now.  See you again later for afternoon tea and crumpets or scones. Mmm scones!   lol   Willow
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-health-and-wellness/scotland-pauses-prescriptions-puberty-blockers-transgender-minors-rcna148366     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-second-trump-presidency-would-be-a-nightmare-scenario-for-transgender-people_n_661ff9a9e4b07db21fd5d59b     Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, HIPAA is basically useless for keeping government out of your medical stuff.  It doesn't seem to prevent employers from making workplace medical demands either.  About the only thing it seems to do is keep somebody's sister or spouse from having the tools necessary to help you when you're in trouble.  As usual, government made things worse and added unhelpful red tape.  I really doubt HIPAA will be any use in the area of trans rights either.    Honestly, I don't see anything good will come of this no matter how it goes.  If some state AG's win on this, it will cause issues for trans folks.  If the Feds win on this, it'll be a precedent to stomp on states' rights even more than has already been done.  And I'm not sure which way things go will make a difference when it comes to officials from one state trying to do nasty things to people who have left that state and gone elsewhere.    What a crap sandwich... and no matter which plate it gets served on, "We The People" get to eat it. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      At least you tried!  Something equivalent or better may come up, and the waiting could be worth it.  Just keep trying and you'll eventually get what you need and want.      For me, having somebody to love was the most important.  Everything else follows after that.  I waited a long time to find somebody...and she ended up leading me to more than I ever thought possible.    Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I have something work-like outside of my home responsibilities to do for the first time in about 18 months.  Nobody seems to mind the real me.  And this evening, my husband said something that just really made me feel special.  He was rubbing my back, shoulders, and chest while we talked, helping me relax.  He told me that he thought I was really cute in my girl form, but that he thinks my boy form might even be cuter.  And that he's proud of his "smart little Pocket Fox."    For me, the combination of those sweet words and the physical affection was exactly what I needed. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...