The Power of Pink Fog

[Guest Kati]

I feel like a Johnny one-note (or should that be Joanna one-note) since I written about this topic numerous times. And yet every time it happens I amazed by the sheer power of pink fog. How can one go along for weeks at a time in male mode without hardly a twinge of regret, and suddenly the urge to be completely transformed hits like a tidal wave? There must some kind of internal trigger that brings on this feminine tsunami, but for the life of me I can't imagine what it is. The voices in my mind won't give me a moment's peace. I have the feeling that decades ago if any of this came to light I would have been carted off to some institution with padded walls. Any I just crazy? Does any one having coping techniques that will see me through this storm?

[Charlize]

Kati i certainly have felt that pink fog. There were periods in my life when i set all of this aside only to have it flood back in. Eventually i accepted that it simply wasn't going away to stay. I started to experiment and try to be myself as a woman in the world for short periods. Those periods got longer and longer. Eventually i got therapy. When i explained all of this to my therapist and then started to share with close friends, my family and then everyone i knew the fog became a pink cloud and i felt like i was floating. My problems still exist, life is like that, but i'm still often still just a bit off of the ground. For me, and perhaps for you, the male bit could never fully dominate. That shows the power of that fog. All of my training, everything that society told me and the evidence of my eyes showed me a male. Dropping that weight let me float a bit above the fog and from here it's a cloud.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kati]

Thanks, Charlize. I was rather hoping you would comment. Your posts always have a rich mixture of wisdom and empathy. The voices (aka pink fog) in my head are a bit more subdued today, but never silent. Hopefully I will soon get passed this rough patch for sleep has been as elusive as a sense of inner peace. I've checked the horizon and unfortunately there is nary a pink cloud in sight. Thanks again for writing. All the best, Kati

[tracy_j]

I think that I get the same although it, as things are with different people, has its different approach to me!

I have found recently that my dysphoria seems to have disapeared completley and I am wondering what I am doing but when I think about it I am living quite a bit of the time as female. Because of this there is no dysphoria as I am living as me!

Looking at what you say Charlize - I recognise quite a bit. The same but different!

Pink fog?

Tracy

[Guest Kati]

Thanks for sharing, Tracy.

I'm always reluctant to use the term dysphoria to describe what is going inside of me. I suppose I don't want to use a clinical term because I haven't been diagnosed by a clinician. Doing so seems rather presumptive. Secondly, the turmoil I occasionally experience is probably a mere fleabite in comparison to the relentless struggles some individuals confront on a daily basis. I certainly don't want to diminish the challenges they face by magnifying my own periodic "pink voices" that rob me of sleep and leave me discontented. In time my pink fog will dissipate.

It is always a pleasure to read your perceptive thoughts.

Kati

[Samantha2015]

Kati I think if someone could figure out why the pink fog hits they would have a best selling book.

Maybe there is one already, I don't read much.

Might not be the best solution but I'll go internet shopping for girl stuff till I'm sick of it. The trick is not

buying anything or weeding the shopping cart down to 1 or 2 reasonable items. Clearance sections

are my favorite tabs on the websites. The male side of my brain is a cheapskate and that helps dissipate

the pink fog when I see the total in the shopping cart. Stupid maybe but it works for me.

If you have the urge to dress but are denied due to family,work or other schedules that can be very

frustrating to say the least. I only fully dress 1 or 2 times a month and that is enough for me to get by.

Between times maybe I'll just wear some heels for a little bit and that helps too. Good to keep practiced

walking in heels anyway.

I certainly hope you find a peaceful place when the fog rolls in again. We all go through that in varying

degrees. It's just a part of the lifestyle I guess.

[Guest Kati]

Samantha, I used to think I was the only who did the internet shopping routine. However, it intends to increase the pink fog rather than causing it to dissipate. Go figure.

[Samantha2015]

Sorry that doesn't work for you. I must be wired backwards.

[Wynnie]

Kati,

I am new, but this post went a ways toward inspiring me to try to join this community. I have just read topics in the past, but this one hits me where it feels right. I swear that I know when the season is about to change to fall because I am always overwhelmed by the desire to dress as fully as I can and feel that cooler air breeze by. I typically have denied myself through the urges and have even read areas of this site for comfort to ebb the tide and guilt, but this year I put on all of things that weren't purged years ago, felt whole and registered to join this community. It may not be practical advise, but I am compelled to say, you be you.

Wynnie

[Guest Kati]

Wynnie,

Welcome to the community. The contributions of those who commented on my initial query are illustrative of the kind of caring assistance (if assistance is requested) and good-natured conversation you will receive here in this forum. I hope you won't be a stranger.

I hadn't thought about the changing of the season as a possible cause for my pink fog. Certainly my hit and miss wardrobe leans decidedly to the colder months of year although I think my shopping choices were motivated more by a desire to cover bit of me up than the weather outside.

I rather wish "you be you" wasn't such a tall order, sometimes of Mt. Everest proportions. It's probably time for me to sing the refrain, "To dream the impossible dream.." However, I'm sure you are correct.

All the best,

Kati

[Guest Wendae]

I've only been dressed fully twice since last Halloween. Only recently has the Pink Fog started up a little at a time. It's been so long..........................Anyway I'm looking forward to being whole again. My main problem is age. As I look in the mirror I feel I need a fem mask to cover the ravages of time,

[Guest Kati]

Age is one those sharp sticks we all encounter. Kicking it is fruitless. Far better is simply to embrace it as the new reality. Certainly making adjustments to one's choice of clothing can help. It may not be necessary to move wholly to the "little old lady" look, but perhaps mini-skirts should be taken to Goodwill.

[Guest ErIca W]

Hi Kati,

It has been two months since my pink fog lifted. I have no idea why but it went from an almost constant fixation to an infrequent questioning of where it went. I must admit that part of me misses the comfort I used to get from dressing but I don't miss the anxiety or relationship stress.

At this point I am curious if and when it will return.

We certainly are complex creatures,

Erica

[Guest Kati]

Thanks for sharing, Erica. I can certainly identify with everything you have written.

Regarding the "if and when," I wouldn't care to make a prediction regarding the when, but I would put money on the notion that it will return. Pink fog is like... well, fog! When certain conditions come into play (I still don't have a clue as to what those conditions are.), it reappears. The intensity varies. The duration varies. The level of frustration (if that is the right word) varies. There are variables, but the one certainty is the eventual reappearance of the PF.

All the best, Kati

[Guest So-kool]

Regarding "if and when" the pink fog returns:

I worked with a therapist and kept a daily log trying to figure any comon factors and thereby avoid triggers.

I used a gauge of levels 1-10 to describe the level of dysphoria i waa feeling . I used 1-10 to describe my level of anxiety. And the same for my level of depression.

I found that by reviewing the data that there actually was a timeline pattern for me.

Strangely it was about a one month cycle!

(Hmm. Where have I heard that before? Haha)

Anyway,During my 6 month study, i had "given in" to the urges 4 of the six months and "held out" for two.

The hold out months were not consecutive.

I cross referenced my activities during that period and could not identify a comon trigger.

In other words- it just happens.

The times I held out were soo brutal that i remember i came within minutes of checking into a mental hospital!!! I simply got to a point of overload and then its like I crashed hard and then my level reset back to 1. My therapist wanted me to prove to myself that it was possible to refrain from dressing and still survive through a wave.

Umm well I guess I did once or twice but i was in total pain and suffering for a week before each crash!

In the early years I could hold out through the build up because it was not as intense as it is now and this the crashes were not as far to fall.

So perhaps start a journal of sorts. Even its just jotting your "fog" level number in the corner if a calander day of heck entrues on a phone are even a great way. But i can say it helps to see it printed and sperad out before you. But then again i'm more of an "old school" gal.

Good luck.

[Guest Kati]

It wasn't a good night. I could sense the approach of the fog throughout the day. After sleeping for an hour or so last night, the creeping whispers gave way to an incessant roar of discontent in my mind. What a night! Pink fog with claws, who would have thought it?

[Guest Kati]

Dear So-kool,

Thank you for your interesting contribution to this thread. You have brought a touch scientific discovery to the topic. I haven't kept a diary but some of your observations have proven true for me as well, at least as far as I recall. I keep thinking that a rational explanation will some day be revealed, but in the meantime your conclusion, "It just happens" mirrors my own thoughts on the subject.

All the best,

Kati

[Samantha2015]

So-kool, Am I reading this wrong ? It's sounds like your therapist is trying to keep you from dressing ?

I don't know anything about your situation but trying to suppress the urges, seems to me, would just lead

to more bad feelings. If someone starts down the CD/ Transgender path at a young age I'm not sure you can

just quit cold turkey and never have any feelings for it again.

[Guest]

Hey Samantha, That post was going back to the days when my Marriage was do or die and I had to agree to subject myself to regressive therapy in order to try and "beat the sickness" You see, my wife ran into some garbage from Walt H ( you can probably find some of his stuff on you tube) - ( Former trans woman who blames others for mis-diagnosing or giving wrong advice by allowing transition rather than treating "the REAL problem!" ) When you come out to loved ones they are desperate to fix you! so they naturally thought that they had discovered a way to make it all go away!!! If you don't do what your loved ones tell you to do it implies that you don't care about them and you lose them. So, yea, I went through regression therapy and it nearly killed me! but I proved that I tried it ! Personally I think that stuff is pure poison to any forward motion of public and family acceptance and I am still trying to un-do the damage it has caused more than a year later! Many of my family members got fed the line that doctors are helping people transition because it is "politically correct" ! and just incase that doesn't work they throw in a side order of religious guilt and sin. then also say things like "most people who transition either kill them self or transition back! " Thus giving even more doubt in their minds! Pure Poison!

I have since been to what my family calls a "pro trans" therapist which to them would somehow imply that the therapist would encourage me to transition which is simply Not the case! but anyway, I am out of therapy now and living a wonderful life full time female and still happily married to my wife! My family is still not accepting but they are getting better little by little. My story nearly ended much more tragically!

On the flip side they claim to have helped many people feel comfortable in their birth gender and I had spoken to a couple of them. I asked what it was they did and they said it was the regression therapy I was doing. They said they still got urges but were able to re-focus and cope without acting on the urges. Several, Including Walt, Also had suffered some sort of abuse or trauma. I cant say I grew up without abuse or trauma but I have come to grips with it and it is not some deep dark demon in my sub-conscious wanting me to escape my male identity! so, I don't know. Maybe their urges weren't as strong as mine? Maybe they had trauma demons? Maybe they hadn't felt comfortable in a new gender? Fact is: GD sufferers are not all the same and I have also met some that are on the path to transition and I can tell they have other mental instabilities. I think this is what regression therapy might be trying to Identify and help.

This GD and transition thing is still very new to many therapists and the demand has risen greatly in recent times so there could very well be misdiagnosis occurring.

I however am sure that it was not right for me at the time I attended it ! Maybe one day I will feel different about it. But I doubt it.

But I still Maintain that it IS Dangerous for people like myself who are not aligned with their type of regression therapy. (Basically similar to Alcoholic therapy in my opinion)

[Samantha2015]

So-kool, Glad to hear you are in a better place now. I'm just a plain ol' CD so I've never really struggled with

any big issues that others struggle with. I just thought that was a really bad idea for a therapist to try and

stop someone from dressing or trying to be what they really feel they are inside. It's not like it's a disease that

can be cured with medicine.

Wishing you all the best.

[Guest]

Thank You Samantha, Gosh, I think back to the days when I was a plain ol' CD. I WISH that was where my path stopped! Life was much less complicated. It was more like a secret hobby.

Yes for me (Re: my previous post) it was bad advice but at least you know the how and why of it.