The Marcie Chronicles

[Guest]

Hmmmm. A woman ordering that out here might cause a tad of attention, but not the kind you speak of. 

[MarcieMarie12]

I had a another first this weekend....and strangely enough it was a first  in my life!! One of my favorite bands came to town and I saw them at the Birchmere in December. Needless to say I loved them live even more than CD.  So after the show I got to hang out with them for selfies and signing the CD. They were so awesome and can't wait to see them again!

I posted some pics in my gallery!!

 

[Jani]

That's great.  I love going to concerts.  We have a few favorites that we make an effort to see when they come around.  My wife got tickets for America on the weekend before my surgery.  That will be fun.

Jani 

[Amy P]

On ‎15‎/‎10‎/‎2016 at 2:12 PM, MarcieMarie12 said:

Well it has been a year since I started transitioning--going by when I started this thread. Is it what I expected? I would say that is the wrong question to ask--simply I did not know what to expect. If I met my past self, that person would probably not believe me.

I took things day by day until out at work. Once there it was a great relief. Out to everybody that knows me. I found the anxiety was mostly having to hide this, rather than whatever reaction  I got. Work was wonderful about it, my friends are ok with it (still getting used to the name and pronouns), and I 've made some new friends in the process. Family was the only sore spot. My brothers (never that talkative to begin with) stopped communicating. My mom is the only person who has ever insulted me for being trans. My dad though, he tries to understand me. My dad and I get together every once in a while. It is pleasant and he helps me keep up with the rest of the family since they don't talk to me. My brother out in Arizona has called and we have talked a couple of times though. He is uncomfortable with it, but at least he called.

The real question I think is if my transition is doing what I hoped it would do. What I hoped it would do for me was bring me inner peace and happiness and remove my depression. What it did was let me know what happiness can really feel like---I was always fundamentally emotionally dulled(for lack of a better word). Pre-transition I felt like I had emotions  but they were muffled. In some sense it did make true happiness possible, whereas before it was like the shadow of happiness.

I also lost the lethargy and introversion that plagued me. I now look forward to and need to be around others all the time. I don't I have to convince myself to  be sociable so as to not get depressed. I want to be sociable. Not a weekend goes by without something going on in my life and I love it. I even met another MTF (who's transition path is way different than mine). We started dating--we are moving in together soon!

In the end, did transition accomplish what I had hoped? Yes it did. Going back to my past self I would only say the following: "Don't be afraid, you won't regret transitioning."

 

Hi Marcie

I'm still new to Laura's and I've only just read your post and comments (from beginning to end!). The thing that stood out (in fact it punched me in the face) was .... --- 'I was always fundamentally emotionally dulled(for lack of a better word). Pre-transition I felt like I had emotions  but they were muffled. ' -' OMG , my life in a nutshell.  I have carried a pervasive sense on mild depression, aimlessness and lack of ambition which I am now convinced derives from my GD. I have (and am) constantly waiting for something to change and course it doesn't (other than I get older).  Hearing about your divorce was sad and I am also convinced that if I outed myself it would be the end of my marriage, my financial security and watching my beautiful 6 yr old daughter grow up.  I feel trapped as my GD has got worse (just recently, for whatever reason, it just decided to go into overdrive) and there's not many things you can do to make your self feel better. I do wear women's underwear when I go to work (having to change as soon as I get home - it's not a problem to have panties as my wife knows I am a CD but I have to be super discrete to avoid causing a scene), I practice a feminine walk and have been working on my voice when on my own in the car - but it doesn't feel much.

Thanks for your inspirational story and I hope you continue to be happy.

Hugs

[MarcieMarie12]

One of the reasons I transitioned was the realization that I was going to get worse and more withdrawn if I didn't which would have ended my marriage anyways or my life because of feeling trapped. It was only in hindsight after the divorce that I realized we had issues other than me being trans. I am still a bit bitter at times, but I let it go. We have gotten together and the reaction from her has been either cold, cordial or friendly. We did not have kids, and I am glad in some ways as it would have thrown a whole other set of emotions into it.

[MarcieMarie12]

Wow, two posts within a month of firsts! 

 

Saturday I went to an X-wing tournament (a miniatures game with spacecraft from star wars). To paraphrase on star was quote "I have not been to one since....."

Anyway some of the things that really stood out in my mind other than Tie Strikers (the tie-fighter in the last battle in Rogue 1 were this typed of craft) being a hard craft to fly--took me about 3 games to get used to them. As the only girl in the tournament I felt very alone, not helped by the fact I did not know anyone. I did get to talk to some of the other players though. I had a good time, wore my Vader dress, Vader earrings and put on some nice make-up. Honestly non of the guys noticed...well except for the one I pointed it out too.  Oh well, I was playing Imperial seemed appropriate. I recovered enough to win the last 3 games out of the 6 played. The tournament was for raising money to fight cancer, so it was for a good cause too. 

[Charlize]

Sounds like you had fun both in the game and in being yourself!  But Vader?

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[MarcieMarie12]

Because sometimes it feels good to be bad! 

[tracy_j]

I presume you were in black Marcie? I somehow think Vader would lose the menacing look in pink

[MarcieMarie12]

Here's a picture of what I was wearing: One of my favorites  , but beyond star wars movies and games like this I don't really get a chance to wear it.. The earrings were just Vader's head.

[Charlize]

Too cute and not nearly as dark as i'd imagined.  Must represent his female side which he hid from the cameras.

Certainly helps me to find him less representable.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

Must represent his female side which he hid from the cameras.

LOL?

[MarcieMarie12]

Well the kanji says something like Light, dark, really confused. That is the best translation my friend made. It could also just be about Vaders preference for chicken. 

[tracy_j]

That's a lovely dress Marcie. I would wear it without Vader.

It is maybe my Goth side thinking of  wearing a doomy black outfit. It would appeal to me but perhaps not for most.

Tracy

[StephanieVikingGirl]

I think that is a really cute dress Marcie!  Kinda geeky, but definitely cute.  I would wear one for the same kinda occasions methinks.  I used to go to game conventions like Origins and Gen-Con, but I haven't had money to attend one for quite a few years.  I used to wear Cthulhu T-shirts with a black Utilikilt at Cons, back in the day.  

Stephanie

[MarcieMarie12]

Definitely geeky, got it thinkgeek.com a site loaded with things a geek like my self would love to have. The earring were from torrid of all places.

PS: Gencon is on my bucket list. I've done a few cons in the past but not recently. 

[Charlize]

I was at the NJ handicap expo yesterday with my wife.  It is an amazing display of equipment and services available to folks with all kinds of disabilities.  One of the booths was encouraging folks to engage in cosplay which i've only recently become familiar with.  They had the most amazing Dalick wheel chair.  I can imagine one could make a pretty good R2D2 as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[MarcieMarie12]

Every once in a while I guess I like to check in. It has been little over year since coming out at work, and my co-workers have been great. It has been a few months since the last slip up happened from a longtime coworker. We also now have more than half a dozen employees out of 60+) who only know me as Marcie. The other thing I have noticed is that I am interacting more with my coworkers. Two other women in my office even join me for walks at lunch time. Guys do treat me like they would anyother woman in the office. Some have even done some heavy lifting for me.

[Jani]

Thats great news.  I think that its hard for them to ignore that you're a woman and therefore you're in the club.

Jani

[MarcieMarie12]

I pretty sure it is a stretch, but GCS has a lot to do with passing to myself (if that makes sense). I just got my surgery packet for the pre-op instructions. I will be off HRT for the next 6 weeks and am scared about that (started today). I know the likelihood of a bad outcome is low, but the risk is still there. In any event it will make morings easier.  I have my pre-op discussion  on the 5th to see if I have any questions.....I read them. Quite extensive, and I am going to hate July 31st.......liquid diet and colon cleansing.

But as much as I wish to fast forward to September post op, I know that is not possible. Nervous, excited, and frustrated with Kaiser's referral process. This month is going to fly by, I know it.

[Jani]

I was worried about being off HRT too.  It's interesting how different doctors want patients to stop and restart HRT at differing times.  Mr doctor wanted me to stop two weeks prior to surgery and I could restart one week later.  I took Spiro up to the day before.  I've heard of stopping one month and restarting two days after!   For me I jumped back in at the full dosage of E I had been taking.  l ended up with morning sickness symptoms the next day (nausea, general queaziness).  I reduced my patches to one and have been building up slowly since.  In all my reading I hadn't come across this.  YRMV!  

I was worried of a bad outcome too, but mostly from anesthesia not my surgeon.  I'm here so all went well.  

Interestingly one of my sisters, who couldn't be with me, asked if I felt different.  I had to honestly say no I didn't.     My transition seemed to be more mental than physical.  As my best friend (a guy) pointed out before surgery, I'd already done the hard part and this was just icing on the cake.  Admittedly for a few days I'd look down and think Oh my goodness, it's gone!  Now the reality of it has settled in and it all seems normal to me; which it actually is.   I passed well before but you are correct that GRS (genital realignment surgery: everything was re-used but the boys) does give me that extra dose of confidence.   You'll do wonderfully Marcie!

Jani 

[MarcieMarie12]

Last night I had dinner with Jamie's Aunt and Uncle. They live nearby, but have been out of town quite a bit. They also do not know that either of us is trans. I really enjoyed it, for once being treated as a woman. They said I was a keeper to Jamie. I offered to help the Aunt with dinner but was politely told that she had everything under control. We did talk some girl talk, she liked my outfit and my jewelry. I told Jamie though, there was no reason to out me to them (not of their concern, they never knew pre-transition me). I hope she does not let that slip when coming out to her uncle. Pronouns, I called her she more than a few times  by accident/habit. Luckily they did not notice.

 

Makes me glad I came out to everyone at the same time.

[MarcieMarie12]

Just a short foot note. I am heading to Philadelphia today for surgery!!! Got my referral straitened out, medicine all in. Tomorrow begins the big purge! Lots of bathroom visits in the near future. 

[JodyAnn]

Good fortune for you! It is only an ordeal for a short time. Then just a marker in time. The best comes some year and a half later and by then it will have seemed to have been there for a lifetime. It will be much more maintenance free, just a pleasure. Giggle.

[Cyndee]

Safe travels and best wishes on your trip of a lifetime Marcie

Hugs

Cynthia