Almost 4 Years Post-Op - Thoughts

[Guest vtphoenix]

Hi, everyone, it's been a long time. I posted in this forum almost 4 years ago after I had my GRS w/ Dr. Brassard. I've been thinking a lot about my transition lately and figured it was time to share an update as to how things have gone since.

My name is Ashley and I transitioned from male-to-female in the summer of 2012. I had both bottom surgery and breast augmentation. It was painful, though not as painful as I would've thought (more uncomfortable than anything). For all that my stay at the hospital seemed to last forever at the time, looking back, it's just a blip on the timeline of my life.

In those first few months after returning home, all of my will was bent toward getting well. It seemed like I was dilating constantly, taking sitz baths, and going for walks. I returned to my work part-time almost three months after I had surgery. I was expecting (and kind of worried about getting) lots of fanfare. However, my return was pretty tame and not really remarked upon.

I felt that there was this psychic barrier between myself and other women that had come down, which was really nice, but I also felt very different from other people at the same time, because I had gone through such a life-altering experience. I have a supportive partner but my transition was new to her too, so she could only do what she could, when she could. Most of the time, I wasn't even sure how to ask her to best support me.

Everything passed quickly, as though I was in a dream, and life was just normal again, as though everything that had happened up to that point had really happened to someone else. This was good in a way because it allowed me to move forward but it was bad because I felt (and still sometimes feel) a sense of disconnection between my past and present selves.

I had trouble getting the hours I had worked previously at my job and I was planning to start college in the summer of 2013 anyway, so I decided to quit toward the end of 2012. I wasn't feeling like I fit in and I had the strong urge following surgery to just reboot my whole life (I know other post-op people who left and restarted relationships following their surgeries, I think this may be a common thing).

I was trying to learn my new anatomy. I thought things were going pretty well in that regard. I hadn't had any complications. I had good sensation. I was orgasmic (with some effort). To clarify this last, it was mostly difficult to figure out what would feel good and to get over hang-ups I had about possibly hurting myself or things being weird. Things are much better in that regard now.

I guess some people might think that a person will be the same after surgery, just have different parts. This has not been my experience. I think I changed a LOT following surgery. Like, for one thing, the whole powerful drive I had to transition just vanished. It was good for a while to not feel that way anymore, I could now just go about living my life. But I also didn't and don't feel particularly feminine a lot of the time. I know I don't identify as male anymore but I don't really know if I identify as female. I need to be clear about this, I express myself as female and this is comfortable for me, but it's more like the whole question of identity is moot now. It's like my identity has become unmoored from concepts of gender. I still think about gender a lot but as to what I am, it's like it doesn't even matter anymore. I am just me. I still dress as a woman, I still live my life as a woman, I still want to be referred to as a woman, but I don't know if I feel like a woman. I don't even know what that would feel like or how I would know I felt that way.

I guess what I'm really saying is without that drive that pushed me to transition, it's really hard to put myself in the place of remembering what it was like to need to transition. I kind of feel like surgery hasn't particularly changed my life and really didn't do anything for me to make me happier. I have no regrets, I'm not unhappy. I just kind of feel indifferent about the whole thing now.

This is a weird place to be in because I know so many pre-op trans people who make a big deal about surgery. I feel like the one thing I wish I could share with them is that life goes on pretty much like normal. One doesn't just have surgery and sail off into the sunset. In fact, without that drive to transition and have surgery, I have felt kind of directionless at times, even though I set myself a lot of other goals. It is so strange to have this burning need to do something your whole life and to just have it be gone. I've found myself sometimes wondering what it was all for, since it's impossible to evaluate everything I've been through from my present vantage point. I remember the need on an intellectual level but not what it was really like to feel it.

Life has had its ups and downs. It's been pretty good in general, although in some ways my life was better before surgery. I don't think this is the fault of the surgery, more just other changes in my life. Like I started college and things have been worse financially because I'm not working while going to school. Socially, I don't have a lot of friends. I think my being trans has gotten in the way of making new friends in some ways, but what are you going to do? Besides, I have always preferred a few deep friendships to many shallow friendships, so this is not a new thing either.

I graduated from Community College and earned a full scholarship to a State College. That was exciting. I'm going to school for social work, although I'm not sure what job I'm hoping to get when I finish school. I thought I'd be a counselor and help other trans people. Now I think I might do something legislatively - I was recently invited to speak before my state education committee, which was a great experience. Or maybe I'll be a motivational speaker - I recently tried out for Ted Talks with a presentation about how labels limit our identity development. Or I might be a health coach - I gained a lot of weight following my surgery and I've grown increasingly angry about what's happening with our food system.

In other words, who knows what I'll end up doing exactly? Social work still feels right somehow. I'm 36 years old, a little older than the average college student, but my transition did teach me that it's never too late to do what you want to do.

I am relatively "out" about being trans. I don't bring it up most of the time but I never try to hide it. For one thing, privacy in the technological age is near impossible, and, for another, being out is the only way I can fully contribute in the world. I want to educate people, I want to stand up for trans rights. I don't want to try to do this ignoring the reason why I have insight into trans issues.

One of the things I want to do is share my experiences with people so that they know there are about a million things people never tell you about transition. I didn't get how real sexism was until I transitioned, for example. Up until that point, I had unfairly thought a trans person who claimed to be a feminist was trying too hard. But now that I have a dog in the fight, I'm like "Wow! It's really bad out there!" I wish a therapist had prepared me better for that.

I've also never heard anyone talk about the trauma of GRS. Maybe it's not traumatic at all for other people? They're so excited that even the rough times just roll right off from them? I know for myself, I had many dreams of medical problems following surgeries (even though my own surgery had gone smoothly). I have had dreams of an inside out penis falling out of me, dreams of having to be rushed to the hospital to fix issues, dreams of others freaking out about the state of my body. Nothing bad happened to me during my stay in Montreal, but someone did have an outburst in the middle of the night while I was there and the cops had to be called. The person had been removed by the police and I heard the nurse on duty swear at the person, which was very unprofessional and very upsetting. I also had excessive bleeding the first day and thought I was going to die because the nurses would only speak French. So who knows. I haven't had a freaky medical dream for a while, but I think some part of me still remembers the terrifying times. There weren't a lot of those for me, but I'm kind of squeamish so even the frequent sight of blood and such was kind of unpleasant.

I'm not really sure where I'm at right now in life. I feel like I've been in a rut for a while. I want to get through school, figure out what I want to do for a job, make meaning out of my experiences, but I'm honestly still struggling with depression and isolation (thank God for my partner and her family). I had gotten sucked into playing online games addictively, I was living really unhealthily. I feel like I'm just starting to get my life back - eating right, exercising, managing my time wisely, etc. but it's tough.

I guess tonight I just wanted to reconnect with you all and use this forum as a way of exploring my thoughts and feelings about how my life has gone since GRS. I suppose mostly good, but kind of a mixed bag, lots of confusing feelings to work through, in particular the not feeling bad about surgery but just wondering what it was all for. It's a moot question, I guess, since what's done is done. I'd just like to recapture that old excitement I felt at getting to be my authentic self. I think it's a great thing, maybe I'm somehow taking it for granted.

Anyway I hope this wasn't too long. Thanks if you read the whole thing.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Ashley,

I just wanted to say welcome back and I hope you can stay around.

When I read your post, I was thinking WOW. I relate to a lot of the things you wrote. I'm now 9 months post op and going back into hospital in 3 weeks time for revision surgery. Like you, I felt the 'ooh, now what' feelings and just this past week posted about the weird dreams I've had about the cut up penis becoming hard and big (I couldn't use the proper word there) where I no longer have one. I've put this down to the fact that my brain is taking time to catch up. I've also had those unfeminine feeling days but my partner tells me that she often has those too (as do many women).

So, it has been really refreshing to read of similar experiences from someone else. Thanks once again for taking the time to put it all down in writing.

Kerry

[Guest Jamie61]

Welcome back and thank you for sharing your experience and feelings about it. I have not had surgery, in fact I am not quite full time, however GRS seems to be on the lips of everyone who knows I'm transitioning and increasing on my mind as well. Still not certain about it. I believe that GRS, would be mostly just for me perhaps, and not so much as to 'share' physically with others.

Best wishes for you!

Jamie

[Charlize]

I'm glad you've come back Ashley. You became a member here a few months after i did. (I was Charlie back then). I enjoyed reading you story and can certainly relate to a great deal. I am unable to have GCS for health reasons. I was able to get an orchiectomy and like your surgery for me it was both confirming and somehow anticlimactic. I couldn't go any further. This is me and my body and i have to just continue living my life. I am finding acceptance of myself to be an ongoing process.

I am considerably older and have settled into my work on the farm with a new peace and enjoyment. My wife has been wonderful and slowly all my relatives are coming to accept me as i am. Being here, at Laura's, has helped me as i can relate to others and their struggles which so closely resemble my own. i find comfort in that and also in the fact that i may in some small way help them through the rough parts of this journey.

Again glad your back and have posted!

Hugs,

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello Ashley and thanks for your candid review of post GRS life. In many ways it's nice to hear that life just goes on but often there are other issues we must work through. It sounds like you're doing well with getting an education and all.

Welcome back to Laura's.

Jani

[Guest]

Welcome back Ashley.

for your wonderful Post-op synopsis.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest]

welcome back

i'm at the healing part, 3 week after the surgery. I'm quite at peace with it. Already, I can relate to what you say. It's was quite normal almost immediately after the surgery.

But that's what I seek, for it to be normal, for the crazyness of transition to end.

So yeah, I will focus on healing right now and I will see what happen afterward

[Guest]

Welcome home Ashley! I do hope you will stay.

Thank you for your truthful account, it is very much needed. I have a full plate at the moment today, but I certainly want to compare notes.

Transitioning it not driving down the on ramp to the yellow brick road. It's complex, uniquely diversified, and a huge challenge. Unfortunately ney-sayers and zealots would twist our words to claim it doesn't work and we regret it. When the truth is it is a miracle of human growth, full exposure to the human condition. Pity the transitioners that miss all the wonderful neuances, irrespective of the outside world and the people who can never understand us.

I drone on and on about studying everything female. That is not fashion, make up or sex. That is life for a female. That is a quantum shift from what we once were. This knowledge can only ever be imparted partially by a gender therapist. It is all up to us to make our own changes. Modifications for the meer sake of change are seldom an improvement. We dive into very deep water in the dream of swimming with the dolphins, yet we must be knowledgeable, prepared, and fully capable of fending off the sharks!

Telling this truth is greatly needed and you tell it well! Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest]

That and female orgasms are so different and totally off the hook!!! I never want to go back. Giggle.

[AnnazMom]

I want to thank you for writing this. Your writing is amazing and insightful. The complexities of the human condition are just awesome. You have articulated many of these complexities so well. Absolutely thought-provoking. I really have to digest this in order to understand and be able to pass your wisdom on to my daughter.

Again thank you so much! And my best to you in your journey

[Guest vtphoenix]

Thanks everyone

[Tejana]

Nice post by the OP.

A post-op physician friend of my spouse wrote one of my letters, and told me after surgery pretty much nothing really changes except the way one goes about urinating. I told her that was okay...which was good thing because for myself I believe her perspective was likely even more accurate than it was for her.

When I determined to finish/complete transition I obtained my letters (4 with an offer for more), took a month off from work for the surgery & recuperation, and returned. No one ever confronted me with questions or requests for confirmation. My status was an open secret, which I defined as some people knowing & some not in the know. The majority of those with whom I came into contact...I had no idea whether they were privy to my status or not. Some of those in the know outed me to likely unknowing audiences, but none did so out of maliciousness. [Most were just ideological progressives/liberals who just felt that was the way it should be, regardless of the consequences....] I worked about in the same establishment roughly a dozen more years till I decided that the industry had changed so much that I could no longer do my job in the way that I felt it should be done, and then I retired.

I

Yep, pretty much what the doc said about what changes was correct, save a personal exception. I feel that when time and age releases me from this mortal coil, I can die much more comfortably within my own skin. For me, that is quite sufficient.

Again, lovely post by the OP. My best wishes for happiness/satisfaction.

[Guest DianeATL]

Ashley thanks for writing this.  I believe that two of the points you make are ones that I often cite to others.  First, the surgery isn't going to change things around you.  If you think the world will be a better place or things will be easier, other than ID checks, not so much.  I looked at trying to come to grips with all of that during my RLE and looked at surgery as just icing on the cake for me,

Secondly you comment about a sort of post surgery depression.  I think you find this to be very common not only in our community but anywhere there is a major lifetime goal that is achieved.  You have worked all of your life for this golden ring and now you have it, now what?  In an interview with Michael Phelps he said after the last Olympics he was so depressed which led to 2 DUI's.  There wasn't that goal out in front to work towards again until he decided to compete again.

My best suggestion on that one is to now set your sights on another major milestone goal, whether financial, or professional or personal,  Have something to work towards and look forward to achieving.

Best wishes and thanks again

[Guest vtphoenix]

21 hours ago, DianeATL said:

My best suggestion on that one is to now set your sights on another major milestone goal, whether financial, or professional or personal,  Have something to work towards and look forward to achieving.

Best wishes and thanks again

Thank you. This is what I had thought too. I had set myself the goals of:

- go to college and get a degree

- get in shape

- publish a book

- and re-qualify for the professional card circuit

It has been good to focus on these things but truthfully it is not enough to just have other goals, at least for me. Some depression comes from confusing feelings that occur sometimes. Some depression comes from how people have treated me post-transition (not hiring me, weird looks, talking down to me, etc.). Some depression comes from the fact that the loss of male privilege is a real shock to the system (of course I knew sexism was real pre-transition but I could never appreciate how prevalent it is). Some depression comes from financial hardships or other life issues (it is not all transition-related).

To be clear I am not depressed most of the time but I often don't feel as happy as I know I could be and a couple of times per week I feel really low. Lately it is because of post-surgery issues, like I just found out that I have an adhesion 4 years post-op (I was not expecting a complication at this late stage). A doctor I had frightened me that it was something serious but I now understand that the issue is mostly cosmetic. Even still though, it is disappointing that things do not look better cosmetically (even though function seems good). I am still deciding whether I want to have a procedure to correct this issue but my poor body has been through enough.

Anyway, it is my view that if GRS has been somewhat disappointing that one is going to be depressed. We suffer a lot for this and we put time, money, and heart into achieving this goal. So if it fails to meet our expectations, this is going to be very tough. There is no doubt that setting other goals help with the "what do I do now?" depression but in my case even that has not helped completely in getting my footing and having a sense of direction.

I'm going to say something that might sound somewhat contradictory or paradoxical and it's this: GRS does not impact a lot of other areas in your life. But this can be both positive and negative. Positive in that you can live the life you had before (mostly) and negative in that you will feel very different, so the life you had before may not even look the same or be desirable.  

I still feel like me but the me that existed before surgery is gone and sometimes I miss that person. It is not that I miss being male per se but that was a world I knew and thought I understood. My former life wasn't all downside. I miss the familiarity mostly. Even years after transition, I feel somewhat like a stranger in a strange land. I'm not sure if this feeling ever goes away. It is not terrible but it's also not great. That being said, I would not give up the knowledge that I've gained through following this path so there is that as well.

As far as goals, I think I'm doing well. I recently shifted my attention from outcome goals like "get a book published" to behavior goals like "write a couple hours per day". The idea is that one can control behaviors but they can't control outcomes. Other than that, I think having good supports, talking to friends, getting enough sleep and going for walks have been helpful in managing depression.

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, vtphoenix said:

say something that might sound somewhat contradictory or paradoxical and it's this: GRS does not impact a lot of other areas in your life. But this can be both positive and negative. Positive in that you can live the life you had before (mostly) and negative in that you will feel very different, so the life you had before may not even look the same or be desirable.  

I still feel like me but the me that existed before surgery is gone and sometimes I miss that person. It is not that I miss being male per se but that was a world I knew and thought I understood. My former life wasn't all downside. I miss the familiarity mostly. Even years after transition, I feel somewhat like a stranger in a strange land. I'm not sure if this feeling ever goes away. It is not terrible but it's also not great. That being said, I would not give up the knowledge that I've gained through following this path so there is that as well.

I get what you say and I find this thread and your last post very interesting. I was talking with a trans* friend who had the surgery just a month before me. We had the same conclusion that the surgery makes almost no difference except just feeling normal. We go trough a lot but in the end we don't feel super special or different, we just feel normal. We had low expectation because to us it was like someone who is born without his legs and somehow get a surgery to construct them from scratch. I'm sure that that person although he would surely hope that it would be the same don't really expect it to be identical.

All of that just to ask you this one question. I don't want you to take it the wrong way. Maybe I'm going too far with it I don't know. I'm still relatively new to this community and still don't know all the taboos.

Do you think that the surgery actually gave you dysphoria instead of removing some of it? you say : " negative in that you will feel very different, so the life you had before may not even look the same or be desirable" and to me it sounds like me before the surgery. Now I feel familiarity.

Do you regret your surgery, do you think it was a mistake?

Again, I ask this because your angle intrigue me and I kind of want to really understand what you say. Anyway, feel free to not respond

thank you vtphoenix

[Guest vtphoenix]

17 minutes ago, soliloque said:

Do you think that the surgery actually gave you dysphoria instead of removing some of it? you say : " negative in that you will feel very different, so the life you had before may not even look the same or be desirable" and to me it sounds like me before the surgery. Now I feel familiarity.

Do you regret your surgery, do you think it was a mistake?

Again, I ask this because your angle intrigue me and I kind of want to really understand what you say. Anyway, feel free to not respond

thank you vtphoenix

Thanks, these are great questions. They are not too personal. It totally makes sense to be curious about these things and I feel as though I have been posting here to share what I know about these topics anyway.

There was a lot that I didn't know before and I did a ton of research and asked a lot of questions. I think the decision to have GRS is a really big deal and so I find these gaps in knowledge disturbing. I mean, at the end of the day I am only one person who has just my own point of view, but at least I can offer something.

To answer your first question: No, I don't think that surgery gave me dysphoria, but I also think we should be clear about what we mean by dysphoria. This word is used a lot and to me it refers to discomfort with one's body not being the way that it is supposed to be. If you would like to add to or modify this definition, that's okay with me, but just understand that when I answer your question about dysphoria that this is sort of my frame of reference.

The me before surgery really wanted my body to match up with what a normal female's body looked like because I wanted to have a normal female life. So I guess you could call that dysphoria. I remember putting on a dress, looking perfectly feminine and beautiful (it was and is rare for me to feel this way), but then I looked down and saw this unsightly bulge. Having a penis did not mesh with my view of how my body should look, it did not fit a certain aesthetic that I sought. I wanted to look on the outside the way I felt on the inside. So many anti-trans people think that we are "delusional" because we think we "are" women. For me, I would say it was more that I viewed my body as a type of expression about who I was. I didn't think I would magically "become" a woman but I thought that if I looked like one, then there might be a point that society would see me as one.

Now that I am post-GRS, I enjoy that I can look down and not see that bulge that had been there before, so I feel better in that sense. But that area sometimes aches (not terribly but I think it will always be somewhat tender) and it is not perfectly flat (I mean neither is a genetic woman's pubic area). There is a slight indentation in the middle that simply does not look like any genital area I've ever seen. There are a couple of scars, one on each side, that are relatively faded but still visible. My pubic hair growth looks a bit different than a genetic female's (maybe a bit sparser, too sparse to cover the scars). I could probably nitpick other cosmetic issues too. The function is good, no problems urinating, having sex, or having orgasms. However, I thought my vagina would be "indistinguishable" from a cis woman's and I don't think that's true at all. A urologist (so someone you'd think of as knowledgeable) apparently mistook my clitoral area for my urethra and my urethra for my vagina. How could this happen? I don't know. I don't think it looks that strange, but it does look different and incidents like that only serve to reinforce these differences, which quite frankly fall far below my expectations.

So I would not say that I have dysphoria in the sense that my genitals are the wrong sex but I still do in the sense that my body doesn't look right to me. It is better than it was pre-surgery but probably not enough to justify having had surgery in and of itself.

This brings me to your next question: Do I regret my GRS?

This is even more complicated because I don't think regret is binary (either we regret it or we don't). I certainly have experienced a whole spectrum of emotions because of GRS and I have felt somewhat regretful at times (the biggest being when I had medical problems recently and doctors were freaking out, and then freaked me out, about my vagina). Still, though, I think the ultimate test of regret is whether or not I would have made a different choice and the answer is no.

I have learned a lot through my transition and GRS and I wouldn't give that knowledge up for anything. I also don't have the "should I, shouldn't I?" angst about GRS since it's done now; I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what it could have been like. Further, my clothes fit better and I feel more comfortable around other women. It is like having a penis created this invisible wall between us. It might have just been in my own head but it's gone now and I'm grateful for that.

But back to the negative side of the equation, I think sex as a male was better and my body had less random aches and pains (I also had breast augmentation with GRS so I have breast tenderness sometimes in addition to genital tenderness). I wanted my body to look "right" but although it looks better, it still falls short of what I desired and I have a lot of hang ups about it quite frankly.

I once read something by Anne Vitale on another trans website and it stated what I think is the harshest truth I have read about transition and it's this: we usually end up looking more like "something out of a medical textbook" than a "playboy centerfold". Neither she or I say this to be cruel but the reality is that most cis women are not models and we have our work cut out for us (and have to have a big measure of luck as well) to look like cis women, let alone like cis women who are models. I didn't have this high of an expectation for sure but the "medical textbook" description seems particularly apt whenever I have a doctor's visit. I knew I wasn't going to be a model but I am forced to accept that I may still not look "normal" to others and this naturally has an impact on my self-esteem and on my relationships.

I don't think my particular experience is very helpful in answering the question of whether GRS helps trans people. My experience is, after all, just one experience. My opinion is that GRS can be very helpful for some people and less so, perhaps outright damaging for others. I also think that while exploration is an important piece in one deciding whether GRS is right for them, it cannot ensure a positive outcome. I once saw a study that said the strongest predictor of post-op satisfaction was the surgical outcome. This is outside of one's control so anyone who has GRS is somewhat rolling the dice. Although I have to add that two people can have the exact same result and that it can exceed one person's expectations while falling short of another's. So being realistic is important too.

At the end of the day, GRS or not, we have to learn self-acceptance, otherwise we will always find fault with ourselves. This is the place that I'm at. I don't regret having GRS but I wish I would've put more work into self-acceptance pre-GRS. That may have changed my decision or made the road since somewhat smoother.

- Ashley

[Guest vtphoenix]

Oh and as far as what I mean about the familiarity thing, I mean that I lived almost 30 years of my life as a male and only 6ish as a female, so there is a learning process about even basic things such as how to interact with others or how to do my hair. Some situations have made me feel so uncomfortable I would probably have retreated back to my old life if it was possible. I did a group project in college a couple of semesters ago where the girls were really mean. I was really taken aback by the viciousness of "girl-world" (and yes I have watched "Mean Girls"!) It is also really weird for me when girls change in front of me or are otherwise unconcerned about my seeing their bodies. I am still attracted to women so I feel embarrassed if I see anything.

I don't think that these things are mitigated by one's degree of inner femininity; we don't have a female socialization so there is a lot of ground to make up regardless. Although I think it might be easier if one transitions earlier, grew up with sisters, has different personality characteristics, or has different sexual preferences.

[Guest]

I was bringing the familiarity thing just because it's a big part of wanting a GRS for me. I never felt familiar, I was always at odds with that. I wanted to commit suicide by cutting it. After 35 years it still felt and looked like some else "thing". Maybe i'm desillusional, I don't know and that's ok if I am, but that the way I felt. So it intrigued me when you were talking about familiarity in particular because of my personnal history. I find your story and what you say both very intelligent and interesting. And honestly our stories differ just enough for me to be very curious, lol

thanks for the reply

[Jani]

1 hour ago, vtphoenix said:

I don't think that these things are mitigated by one's degree of inner femininity; we don't have a female socialization so there is a lot of ground to make up regardless. Although I think it might be easier if one transitions earlier, grew up with sisters, has different personality characteristics, or has different sexual preferences.

I believe that female socialization is an issue for many.  While I started my journey late in life I did grow up with three sisters and three aunts that I was close with so I feel I have a leg up on this.  Even then I recall at one point crying because I knew I had so much to learn.  While its hard, the old axiom about watching others at a shopping mall or other social gathering place is where many folks can pick up mannerisms, clothing hints, etc.  And as to personality, generally I don't think guys really understand difference between the male and female personality.  These all can be opportunities for failure.  

3 hours ago, vtphoenix said:

still feel like me but the me that existed before surgery is gone and sometimes I miss that person.

I had the feeling of being stranded in a no mans land early on in my transition (I haven't had surgery yet).  When I went full time that shifted somewhat and I got a little more comfortable with myself but I still felt parts of my 'old' persona going by the wayside.  I missed some parts of my old life so I focused on keeping the good parts and filing away the unpleasant ones.  I've told friends and family that I am still me but I'm not adding to my prior life story instead I'm starting a new continuum.

This is a great conversation.  Thank you for starting it.

Jani

[Guest vtphoenix]

4 hours ago, soliloque said:

I was bringing the familiarity thing just because it's a big part of wanting a GRS for me. I never felt familiar, I was always at odds with that. I wanted to commit suicide by cutting it. After 35 years it still felt and looked like some else "thing". Maybe i'm desillusional, I don't know and that's ok if I am, but that the way I felt. So it intrigued me when you were talking about familiarity in particular because of my personnal history. I find your story and what you say both very intelligent and interesting. And honestly our stories differ just enough for me to be very curious, lol

thanks for the reply

I never felt that strongly about my penis to the point of cutting it myself but I understand that feeling is pretty common. And no problem on the response, I'm glad you asked the questions you did. They are important questions I think. Familiarity is kind of a difficult topic for me because there are ways in which the new life is very comfortable and then there are times where the new life feels very strange indeed. And I'm not talking about just going from male to female, I'm also talking about taking on the issues associated with being a trans female in particular. Like the police thought I was my own girlfriend once, which is a pretty bizarre experience for anyone, male OR female, to have. But life has changed in many non-transition ways that feel strange too, like starting college as a 33 year old after years of believing college wasn't in the cards for me. So this feels kind of different too. I guess my point is that it hasn't been just one thing that has made this feel like a weird adjustment to me, life has changed in so many ways, mostly good but you know, people can be jerks, there are unforeseen roadblocks, etc.

[Guest vtphoenix]

3 hours ago, Jani423 said:

I believe that female socialization is an issue for many.  While I started my journey late in life I did grow up with three sisters and three aunts that I was close with so I feel I have a leg up on this.  Even then I recall at one point crying because I knew I had so much to learn.  While its hard, the old axiom about watching others at a shopping mall or other social gathering place is where many folks can pick up mannerisms, clothing hints, etc.  And as to personality, generally I don't think guys really understand difference between the male and female personality.  These all can be opportunities for failure.  

I had the feeling of being stranded in a no mans land early on in my transition (I haven't had surgery yet).  When I went full time that shifted somewhat and I got a little more comfortable with myself but I still felt parts of my 'old' persona going by the wayside.  I missed some parts of my old life so I focused on keeping the good parts and filing away the unpleasant ones.  I've told friends and family that I am still me but I'm not adding to my prior life story instead I'm starting a new continuum.

This is a great conversation.  Thank you for starting it.

Jani

Hi, thanks for the reply. I just want to comment on a couple of things real quick. The first is that I think your advice about watching others is good advice but I would add the caveat that it has its limits. The two main ones that come to mind are that we have to be careful that we don't go so far to fit in that we lose who we are. This is a tough balance to strike. I mean, it's one thing to cross your legs because it's polite but I knew a trans woman who was thinking about selling her truck because she thought it was "too masculine". I told her that we don't transition to be women, we transition to be ourselves; I didn't want to go from one box right into another. So I think there is a lot of room to explore and find what feels right, while at the same time making sensible adjustments to fit in. Even cis gender people have to find this balance between being what society wants them to be and being what they want to be for themselves.

The other point I would make about mall watching is that it can't replace a cis woman's experience of being a woman. There are literally thousands of things that will be forever beyond my experience. Some of these things are good: like I don't have to worry about getting pregnant. But some of these things are bad: I won't know what it's like to have a child. One can say that many cis gender woman might have this experience and that is true but this is just one example. There are many, many everyday things that we can take for granted that weren't, aren't, and won't ever be in our experience.

My personal take on this is that we just accept it instead of trying to imagine we can fill this experiential gap. I agree with you that we can always learn more. Our experience is a woman's experience because we are women, but there are many notable differences between the cis and trans experience of being a woman. I feel that I will always be a stranger in a strange land because of this in a sense. I am a trans woman surrounded by cis women and since we have different experiences of being a woman, it places a limit on how well we can understand one another.

That being said though, here I am a trans woman surrounded by other trans women so I feel more like I belong

[MarcieMarie12]

Ha, I just had a workplace conversation with some other girls in my office. Menopause came up in regards to weight gain, and there was not much I could add to that. However, just being there and being treated as such was great for the dysphoria. One of them said I was girlier than she was (true!!). I agreed with her, cause I know I am. That's the kind of girl I want to be. I am still a gamer though.

 

[Alejandra]

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 10:39 PM, vtphoenix said:

On ‎8‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 1:03 PM, soliloque said:

Even years after transition, I feel somewhat like a stranger in a strange land. I'm not sure if this feeling ever goes away. It is not terrible but it's also not great.

I know I don't identify as male anymore but I don't really know if I identify as female. I need to be clear about this, I express myself as female and this is comfortable for me, but it's more like the whole question of identity is moot now. It's like my identity has become unmoored from concepts of gender. I still think about gender a lot but as to what I am, it's like it doesn't even matter anymore. I am just me. I still dress as a woman, I still live my life as a woman, I still want to be referred to as a woman, but I don't know if I feel like a woman. I don't even know what that would feel like or how I would know I felt that way.

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 10:39 PM, vtphoenix said:

 

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 10:39 PM, vtphoenix said:

I've found myself sometimes wondering what it was all for, since it's impossible to evaluate everything I've been through from my present vantage point.

how my life has gone since GRS. I suppose mostly good, but kind of a mixed bag, lots of confusing feelings to work through, in particular the not feeling bad about surgery but just wondering what it was all for. It's a moot question, I guess, since what's done is done. I'd just like to recapture that old excitement I felt at getting to be my authentic self. I think it's a great thing, maybe I'm somehow taking it for granted.

Thoughts like this make me really uncomfortable.  I keep thinking...what were these folks thinking.  What were they expecting?  What did they expect to change besides the removal of an unwanted appendage?

I realize that these are very dangerous and terribly intimate questions, but I think they are important because shedding light on these very difficult issues might cause others to delve down into their own reasoning and expectations.

 

[MarcieMarie12]

My expectation is that at some point the newness of it wears off, and life settles into a new normal--whatever that is for each person though is different. 

[VickySGV]

54 minutes ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

My expectation is that at some point the newness of it wears off, and life settles into a new normal--whatever that is for each person though is different. 

I am closing in on my 4th re-birthday which is just after New Years as well, and I think you have nailed the central point of this Marci.  My newness has worn off.   Such things as dilation and occasional dryness spells or even yeast infections and UTI's are no longer panic moments, but rather "Damn it, I just have to deal with this poop again" times, and I know how to deal with them on a consistent basis. 

About 5 months after the surgery, I did hit a sort of depression, but realized after a bit that it was caused by the "ordinariness" of what life had become.  Even the Dysphoria had been "dramatic" in its intensity leading up to the day of the surgery, and with it had been the commotion of the  paperwork and preliminary doctor visits, medical record interchanges, packing and travel arrangements.  Throw in the big moments of starting and having HRT adventures, and even the attention of the therapists, and you have had quite a show going.  At the 5 month time, life was achingly empty of action and of new expectations.  I had what I had, and even there I did not have any of the major predictable complications, just two little pills cleared up the one yeast infection I had at 3 weeks out.  I now have a standing  prescription on my medical records, all I have to do is call and get one person at my Gynecologist's office and the script is filled.  I super lucked out in getting a Gynecologist who was given training by my HMO in not only post op Trans* care, but in the care of post surgical cis-women who also have had vaginoplasty subsequent to cancer surgery, or accidental injury repair.  I too have moments of wondering "why the heck did I do that?"  There is a subtle thought that maybe I could be the same place mentally IF I had not had the surgery.  Too late to let that do more than breeze through my brain though.  I do know that I am completely me now, more so than in the past and happier with how I am seen and treated and taken as a person.  I know I am me today, and I had trouble with that before.