Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The mirror monster


Guest (S)hE-W0lf

Recommended Posts

Guest (S)hE-W0lf

I'm just gonna rant a little about my internal thoughts and feelings at the moment, apologies for the length.

Often when I get back in my room after taking a shower my eyes fall upon the most undesirable sight, the giant landscape mirror that stares back at me. My reasons for disliking what I see vary greatly; sometimes I only see the rolls of fat and odd stretch marks, other times I see the body and facial hair that covers most of my skin which is too much of a pain to shave every day, and now and again it's the realisation that without a doubt I am a man.

The thing is there's something they all have in common, hopelessness and failure that I see as if it's a tangible limb. I do not know what I want to do with my life thus I am directionless, I do not understand how gender or sex factors into anything, I lack passion and a will to achieve anything and I give up trying to do anything as I feel it will not work if it is done by my hands. I feel like i don't know who I am, what I want or what I'm passionate about.

Now and again I still try to write, but my words fail me as if I do not have a story to tell. I want to sketch and end up with a half drawn husk that might have looked better if I would just finish it but all I can see are flaws. I try to exercise but the fat seems endless and the results worthless.

And once in a while when I can't stop myself, I get dressed, beard and all, just to stand in front of the mirror in disgust and shame. Jealousy of real girls feels like a very unreasonable and foolish mentality but it's a real one regardless.

I was hoping some time and antidepressants would make the world of difference, and while I'm more functional than I was a while ago since being diagnosed with depression and starting treatment, I don't think it's a problem that sorts itself out without serious investment from my side. I just wish I knew how.

Somehow I feel like I'm missing something. It all feels wrong. And somehow I can see the wrongs in the mirror. Who this mirror monster is seems beyond me, but he keeps staring at me with lifeless eyes from beyond the reflection, and almost like a Hollywood movie amnesiac, he'd like to figure out who he is, what he's good at, find something he's passionate about and understand the strange uncontrollable unexplainable sadness that occasionally comes from not being a women.

I mean she would. Right after a shooting star or fairy god mother makes her a real girl that looks good in biker gear... Wishful thinking right?

Link to comment

First I should say there is always hope. Even the word hopeless which you use contains the word hope. I think we have all felt these feelings at some point. I think I spent a good portion of my life avoiding mirrors and such. I wasted a lot of my life feeling that things weren't right and never could be. They can be. At a very early age I felt I was meant to be a girl and the idea that I never could be depressed me much of my life. Guess what? You can be that girl because you are. Things get better. You got to start by correcting what you can and focusing on that. Focus on what you have rather than what you don't. You have a lot more than what you realize. We all do. I hope this helps you in some way.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Your description of the mirror monster reminds me of an old friend. i saw him quite often wearing a dress and trying to position himself so he couldn't see his bearded face. He also was full of shame and self loathing. He was always alone with that vision. At one point he stepped out having bought a decent wig and done some shaving. He was out of town and scared to death but he felt good simply getting a pack of gum at the store. Later he was able to order and eat a meal at a restaurant with some comfort. Years passed until she finally left him behind. The mirror has become a much more welcoming object. She isn't guilty. She also isn't as beautiful as she would like. At 67 she's old. She bruises badly because of blood thinners due to a heart condition. She is a bit fat, has varicose veins and big hands but she also is in the process of accepting herself. It is a daily job and not always easy but the shame and guilt are gone and she is free to be herself however imperfect.

Take it from someone who once had no hope.....it can happen one little step at a time.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment

Hey Lynn, do you by chance have any nearby LGBT support groups that meet? Perhaps a group at a University? Are there any Pride gatherings in the near future where you live? These can all help to find focus in coming up with ideas for yourself.

Wish you the best in the upcoming days. Things will get better!

Huggs,

Opal

Link to comment
Guest (S)hE-W0lf

Thank you all for the kind messages.

I just feel like I am in a rather dark place at this moment. I feel stuck. As I explained, the things I used to be passionate about and sort of good at haven't been done in so long since hardly anything really gets me excited nowadays and when I try to think of something to write or draw or anything it somehow always leads to me thinking about gender and sex. This is a rather recent thing as I have been fine for quite a while.

My girlfriend is quite alright with me occasionally cross dressing, something I was quite proud of at first. I now find myself feeling unable to get dressed and stay dressed when around her. We've spoken about it a few times and I understand that she feels scared that someone might see me dressed and know or see us together which she would feel very ashamed of. I feel like she's ashamed of me and she's said that she doesn't want to date a women and she wants me to stay with her and somehow it makes me feel like I can't or shouldn't dress. I also don't feel feminine in her presence, I just feel very stupid and guilty and disgusting.

I'm not sure if I would go full time, or maybe I'm just feeling this way because I know financially and practically i can't make those sort of things happen right now, but I feel like I'm unable to even dress and express myself occasionally which gets me down.

There aren't any support groups or such in this area that I know of, and I have looked, but I suppose when and if my financial situation looks better, I should seek a gender therapist. My normal therapist has agreed that she can't really help with this as with my depression.

Link to comment
Guest Wendae

I look in the mirror and see an old man and wonder if all my efforts to transform into Wendae will be successful or should i just throw in the towel and give up but, I can't. Hours with an epilade on arms, torso, and legs. Do my finger and toe nails and shave real close with numerous nicks. On blood thinners stopping bleeding takes time. I'm better getting my makeup on and it doesn't take an hour any more but it's getting to the point where I could use a putty knife . I stand in front of the closet wondering what to wear and try on different combinations. Find the appropriate shoes and handbag. Some clothes seem to have shrunk! I now understand why women take so long to get dressed. Okay, now pick out a wig and jewelry and look into the mirror. Am I safe to go shopping? I have said no way and took it all off and got depressed. Other times I liked my efforts and went out. I have a GG friend that I stop by to see that gives me feedback. So far it has all been good and complimentary. A girl loves compliments on their clothes, shoes, handbags and make up. That makes it all worth while.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 76 Guests (See full list)

    • Breanne_O
    • MirandaB
    • MaybeRob
    • Ashley0616
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...