Regret??

[Jaselle]

So I'm curious if any of you have felt any regret during your transition or even afterwards. Is it normal to feel like that on some days? It's like I am making a mistake and I am so obsessed with the female anatomy, and that I somehow convinced myself that I'm trans. 

I do experience dysphoria and have had it for years but I can't shake the idea that I could really regret this just as much as I tell myself sometimes that this is the right path and I can't wait to be fully feminine in every aspect. 

I so badly wish I could live a normal life, have a beautiful gf and be satisfied with who I am. I feel like I'm losing it sometimes. And before anyone suggests, yes, I have a gender therapist. I just don't want to be perceived by society as abnormal and I wish I could just be cis with a cis gf. I simply don't want to be trans at the same time I do want to be female. I don't date because I am afraid to break some girl's heart. I'm 32, btw. 

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Early on there were times where I wish I could go back on certain things. For me I had struggled with being trans since I was a small child though and tried to come out numerous times but always acted like I hadnt or said I was joking or something. I hated the idea of my family possibly being ashamed of me (Especially with the ones who raised me being Southern Baptist). So when I did come out and made sure people knew it wasn't a joke there were mornings where I just felt a ton of regret, just because again I hated the idea of letting them down.

I got over that mostly didn't really deal with regret when I started HRT, though it did hit me again briefly many years later after I had moved out and gone to college. I had just gotten breast augmentation and I wished for a good two weeks that I hadn't.. But again that was likely due to the fact that it felt so alien and kinda hurt at first. Fast forward a year and a half and I am so used to it I barely think about it.

I would say that I can echo your feelings of so badly needing to be female that I just wished I was Cis.. For a long time I tried to just not transition because I didn't want to just end up looking like a guy in a dress. I felt like there was no point if that was how it would end up, but the dysphoria and depression just kind of reached a critical mass so I took the risk anyways. Ultimately everything turned out fine but there are some bumps.

I think some degree of regret is always a possibility, but you never really know until actually dealing with it. I think a great deal of soul searching is required before you take any steps towards anything permanent. I always say that a person transitioning should always deeply evaluate how they feel and where they are before and after each major step. Surgery for example isn't always right for everyone. There are real cases of regret (regardless of what the community will tell you it does happen) so I think its always important to take one things step at a time and never discount your own feelings.

[Drea]

Jaselle, lots of good questions there.

From seeing many topics like this thru the years, normally if you ask about regrets, there will be lots of responses about no regrets.

Since you ask in the context of "is it normal to feel regrets sometimes: or "is it normal to be worried about regrets sometimes", people may be more open about regretting some things but that those things really aren't important.  The message being that you are totally normal.

The long and short of it will be a general message of you are normal, there may be little things you regret, but it is well worth it.

Just being up front here, it seems to me your questioning is sort of seeking that answer telling you that you are okay, that those fears are normal and nothing in what you are experiencing should be reason not to transition.

I can't give you that reassurance because the answer is that it really depends.  I've seen lots of people reach different destinations including folks who forced themselves further than necessary, where a little was good, but more was worse.

Here is what I can tell you.

Questioning isn't a bad thing.  There are some out there who take the view "if you have any questions you shouldn't do it", but that of course will come from people who never question and I have heard at least one therapist say, she doesn't worry about the ones who question, it is those who don't who aren't really looking into themselves as this is serious stuff and it should generate questions.

The important thing I feel is to not bury these questions.  Such concerns are the exact sort of thing that is beneficial to discuss with a therapist.  Unfortunately as many feel discussing such is expressing "doubts" to ones therapist, it often is avoided in therapy.   The point in therapy however is to talk out your issues and work thru them.  In time it will be you (not your therapist) deciding there is good reason for the concerns or you come to a level of understanding where you don't have those fears anymore.  It is better to work thru it sooner rather than later, not because you may regret (good to know in itself), but because getting over that will give you confidence going forward.  That confidence can be very empowering when it comes to dealing with other people in the real world.

You express " I just don't want to be perceived by society as abnormal" that you don't want to be seen as trans, that you want to be female.  This is not an uncommon expression.   There was a time that people transitioned and there was the transitional state between genders that was awkward, but once passed that one would just be recognized as the new gender.  "passing" was a fairly trivial matter despite many obstacles people feared would forever prevent them from passing. 

This increasingly is becoming difficult as awareness is extremely heightened right now.  What made it easy before was that people perceived male or female and trans was very remote though.  One had to only be slightly on one side to get perceived on that side.  Nowadays trans is so well known that anyone near the middle, trans or not is liable to be thought of as trans. 

The good news though is that most people really don't care.  Sure they may think it is odd or a curiosity, but if one first and foremost remains a decent person, people are fine.  This doesn't mean there are not specific family members or friends, or even incidents, but these are a small portion of daily interactions. 

Perhaps the hardest part of self acceptance for many trans people is recognizing that in the eyes of most people, they are viewed as abnormal or weird.  There is a strong desire to not be seen as abnormal and much of the public effort is trying to say "we are just normal, being trans is normal".  Reality though, even those non-trans who give lip service to the idea of trans people normal, most internally still don't understand it.

The thing is though, that it is okay to be weird.  I accept this about myself.  There are plenty ways people are different from others.  My therapist had a sign on the wall that said "the only normal person is one you haven't gotten to know well enough yet".

I guess what I am saying is, that the long and short of it, is that much of the fear about people thinking you are abnormal, is just a matter of self esteem and working with your therapist will help your self esteem which in turn give you confidence and make concerns about what others think small cheese doodles

 

 

[Jaselle]

Thanks for such amazing answers to my question. I think we all do seek reassurance, especially at a time like transitioning and experiencing such a life changing event. Deep down, I have always identified as more female than male, but being socially conditioned to repress my feminine side and portray a macho-manly role has caused slight conflict in a social perspective. I guess what I am saying is I am worried about the social repercussions that occur from transitioning. 

Most of the time I feel regret or feel fear of continuing hrt is when I have a great time with friends or have a great moment at work; realizing I enjoyed some aspect of my male role in society. I suppose I feel like this because I am leaving my job and moving out of my place to avoid the awkwardness of coming out in a house full of guys (a true bachelor pad). It seems I am holding on to the slightest bit that I cherish as a male that I know will change once I complete my transition. Even if some friends dont reject me, the relationship will obviously be different. I feel as if I will miss those type of connections. 

 

Regardless, I will go through with this transition, however, it has taken a lot more mental preparation than I anticipated. Thanks for the support on here! 

[VickySGV]

This will date me age wise, but there was a song back in the 1960's entitled "My Way" sung by Frank Sinatra that had a line that went "regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention". Basically that is how I feel about things ONCE my transition actually got started toward the goal I decided to prepare for mentally and physically. 

I am GCS post-op, but it is even clearer to me these days, that this need not be everyone's goal or need.  I also know some for whom GCS is nowhere near enough and is only a beginning of meeting their needs and they heavily regret that they can only go that far.  The few regrets I have had though were in my first few hours after the surgery involving pain and restoral of my digestive functions, and the daily wear and tear during healing and some maintenance issues and discomforts.  I have even had one breast cancer scare thrown in for good measure, and 10 months ago had to quit HRT due to a Deep Vein Thrombosis situation. These things happen in life and are now part of my life.

I do know a few people who never had questions about their needs to transition, but they also were in the Autism Spectrum where thought processes are a bit different, but just as valid to the person's overall mental health and physical needs.  Your questions are appropriate but as said above, they are yours alone to answer with the help of your GT.   I tried to answer my questions using addictive substances and nearly killed myself, so I do not recommend that option and am here to say it.  In actuality, I attempted to deny that I was a candidate for full transition just for the reasons you mention above.  I caused more hurt for others that way than I did when I came out openly as Me and luckily in their meeting me I have been able to make amends to them except where the amends would cause them harm.

In spite of some others here who have a distaste for "Activists" I Am one these days and proud of it.  For me it is an outgrowth of having transitioned, but I do not recommend or do much recruiting nor do I advocate for any recklessness on behalf of other Trans* people.   

[Guest]

Regrets... I swear that if I start with regrets there will be no end to it. My life is a twisted, weird, sad, happy thing. The potential for regrets is huuuuuuggeeeee, lol

I think thngs happen for a reason and in the context of my life I try to find the good reasons.

 

I have ptsd and the past is already too intrusive so I try to lock regrets in a escape pod and jetison them. I need a light weight spirit in order to be happy  lol

For a long time I whished to be cis gender female and I get what you say. But you know what, right now, I'm happy with who I am and I even concider going the non binary route once I stop living with my ex SO. I don't want to mess with her. But I would fancy a nice and classy androgyne look. I think I can pull it off quite nicely

anyway,

I wish you the best

[Jani]

Early on I had moments of doubt because I recognized I had so much to learn.  But those days are behind me, HRT is good, my hair is longer, the dark hairs in my beard are all but gone, I have a decent wardrobe but most importantly I learned not to worry about others thoughts.  I live as normal life as possible and so can you.  Just give it time.  It's a hard road but all that you desire is attainable.  You're alright.  

Jani