When I Told My Wife

[Guest angie]

When i told my wife of my need to transition,it was after going thorough two years of therapy.

She knew i was seeing a Talk Doc,but she didn't know why.I didn't want to say anything until i was certain of the path i intended to take.

I took her to Red Lobster for lunch,"her favorite place".

As we sat there talking general everyday stuff,i built up the courage to tell her the truth about myself.

"Dear,there is something i have to tell you." I paused letting that sink in.

"I want to live the rest of my life as a woman."

"WHAT?You want to change your body,grow boobs? Are you nuts?" Needless to say lunch was over.

To say she was angry is an understatement.She felt, hurt,abandoned and lied to."You mean our whole life was a lie? That you never loved me?That you were always a girl?"

No matter how i tried to console her,i was wrong."No dear i have loved you since the day i met you."

And,"when our life was good,"she" could be controlled.But,Yes i have always known of my girl,since about two or three i knew that all wasn't right in gender land."

Then she proceeded to tell the world,her whole family,my co workers,"and i was the boss imagine that",all our friends and aquaintances.I hadn't intended for the f'n world to know....

This caused me to face my choice very early on.Not something i was not ready to do just yet.

But,being forced to face it ,i also told all my relatives."Better from me than her'', i figured.

All these years later,and i can still remember that conversation clearly.

It was the turning point of my life.

Whew!That was tough.

Angie.

[Guest Jenny]

Okay now you have me scared, lol! Wow, thats exactly how I imagine my path of "fortune" going. I even thought I would wait until I would do some therapy fist as well. You did it exactly how I imagined I would do it. Schnickers, wow, ummmm. What now?

[Guest angie]

Jenny,

I can not reitterate the need to TAKE IT SLOOOOOWLY.

Just because i lost my wife,doesn't mean you have to or will.

That was just my experience.

Angie.

[Guest Jenny]

I think I know her well enough, I stress I think, that I know she will leave. I am 99% sure but I am not taking it for granted. I think in a sense though it would be easier though. The reason being that when I think of transition, it seems more like starting over to me, the way I should have been. It would be like a new chapter in my life. I don't know, we'll see I think thta is stilla little while off. Baby steps all the way, lol.

[Guest COLLIN]

When i told my wife of my need to transition,it was after going thorough two years of therapy.

She knew i was seeing a Talk Doc,but she didn't know why.I didn't want to say anything until i was certain of the path i intended to take.

I took her to Red Lobster for lunch,"her favorite place".

As we sat there talking general everyday stuff,i built up the courage to tell her the truth about myself.

"Dear,there is something i have to tell you." I paused letting that sink in.

"I want to live the rest of my life as a woman."

"WHAT?You want to change your body,grow boobs? Are you nuts?" Needless to say lunch was over.

To say she was angry is an understatement.She felt, hurt,abandoned and lied to."You mean our whole life was a lie? That you never loved me?That you were always a girl?"

No matter how i tried to console her,i was wrong."No dear i have loved you since the day i met you."

And,"when our life was good,"she" could be controlled.But,Yes i have always known of my girl,since about two or three i knew that all wasn't right in gender land."

Then she proceeded to tell the world,her whole family,my co workers,"and i was the boss imagine that",all our friends and aquaintances.I hadn't intended for the f'n world to know....

This caused me to face my choice very early on.Not something i was not ready to do just yet.

But,being forced to face it ,i also told all my relatives."Better from me than her'', i figured.

All these years later,and i can still remember that conversation clearly.

It was the turning point of my life.

Whew!That was tough.

Angie.

I told my fiance about me seeking therapy and why, but he still does not believe me. In fact, I don't believe myself at times, I don't know if he is just trying to dominate my mind; I know he is trying to be supportive, but I can't stand it when he talks about other woman and how they should be men with these big things, but I wouldn't pass, and I would be a gay male. He thinks I am totally for guys, which I am only because I am physically female, but mentally desire and compulse over thinking someday I will wake up and be a man.

[Guest Zenda]

Jenny...Telling your wife today or telling her tomorrow will make no difference to the final 'outcome'...but how you tell her might ! You are really not going to know...untill you do... and untill you do... one can only speculate and to continue to speculate about the situation you find yourself in could go on for years and ten years down the track you regret not telling her sooner! At the moment you have options...soon you might not have any .

Metta Jendar

[Guest SharonKJ]

Wow! This is an old thread, but it's where I'm at right now...

Metta, can you elaborate on what you mean about "how you tell her" might make a difference to the final 'outcome?' I'm of the mind that telling my wife now or telling her later could make a difference, kinda' like how Angie said that her wife felt betrayed, abandoned... etc. I intend to tell my wife before I go to support groups / therapy, etc. I've almost put myself into a place where I could survive it if she decided to leave me. I keep thinking "If only she could feel the feelings that I have for her... so she would know how much I love her and want to be with her the rest of my life..." but again I have to think... "I'm not the person she thinks she married, she has an image of what I am, and it's not accurate... so when I come out to her, she'll have to determine if she wants to be with the person that I really am (or rather, the 'new' person that she will perceive that I am.)

As those of us who are in this situation know... we are the same person inside both before and after we "come out", but for those connected to us emotionally, it most likely is / will be a paradigm shift.

I'm planning to come out to my wife this week.... but I've been planning to come out "this week" for months now! The thing that is different now, is that I've been doing research and have a better understanding of my situation and the possible paths that I could take.

So, let's see where this all takes each one of us!

Hugs!

Sharon

Jenny...Telling your wife today or telling her tomorrow will make no difference to the final 'outcome'...but how you tell her might ! You are really not going to know...untill you do... and untill you do... one can only speculate and to continue to speculate about the situation you find yourself in could go on for years and ten years down the track you regret not telling her sooner! At the moment you have options...soon you might not have any .

Metta Jendar

[Guest Sergei]

I know it is difficult, but at the end of the day, if somebody doesn't accept you for who and what you are then you shouldn't be with them anyway. If a person really loves you then they won't care what your gender is. x

[Guest jenny216]

I also am in the same boat. I am so petrified for numerous reasons that I can't see straight! I am so afraid I will lose my entire family that I have been sick for awhile. I am so grateful and happy for those that have supportive families and pray that I could be as lucky, but I doubt I will be. Good Luck to all of that come out that we can have supportive families and friends. If you want to know why I petrified read this......http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=3173

[Guest lauren33]

hmmmmmm. sounds exactly like me. I want to tell my wife also but i am waiting to acually start my hrt firstand then tell her. she will not take it well. i couldn't enen convince her to watch TRANSAMERICA with me and two won fu freeked her out .i know she would tell all my co workers about me too just to get back at me. other than her i have no friends so i don't care about that. if she tells my workplace then my job will be over guaranteed it will be tough but i guess i am prepared to lose everything

[Guest SharonKJ]

Lauren,

Your situation sounds just awful! I think I know my wife well enough to think that it'll eventually work out, of course that could be just wishful thinking.

About a year ago we went through some tough times that opened my eyes to the importance of open communication and honesty in our relationship. Just researching on the Internet and joining in on these forums has made me feel guilty for not coming out to her yet... but I need more information and data before I'm comfortable doing that. I needed to make sure that it wasn't just a fad or a phase for me before making the leap to tell her that I'm not really the man that she married. I will not be going to support groups or therapy until I have come out to her... and I'm not quite ready to come out. One of the first things I needed to settle in my mind is whether or not I was prepared to lose everything if it came to it from coming out. I'm ready on that account. Now I just want to do a little more research on information that could be helpful to her to understand that it's not a perversion or something like that, but that it's a real medical condition that needs to be corrected.

As I keep saying, I think I'll be coming out to her this week... but of course it's been that way for a couple months now!

Anyway, best wishes to all of us who are in the position of preparing to come out. I look forward to sharing my story and hearing other's stories as well.

Hugs!

Sharon

[Guest lisa49]

Honesty is most important in a relationship. Yes you should feel guilt being here on the sly. First thing is you need a therapist to help you be able to explain these feelings to you wife and get a hold on your own feelings. No amount of Internet information is going to help you be honest with yourself and your family. This is not a thing to keep from your loved one. Nor is it fair to her to delay. A therapist is not just to transition but there to help you with your problems.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for needing to get their heads on straight and understand a thing themselves before they ask anyone else to understand it.

Many of us do such a good job of hiding our gender identity that we even manage at times to fool ourselves, and many of us also find that even after accepting it ourselves it is hard to understand, hard to know where to go or what to do with it, and how to express it in words, or otherwise, to other people.

How can we not, after going for so long in our lives trying to make it and live the way we think we are "supposed to," often BECAUSE we love people and are not only afraid of losing them but also afraid of hurting them?

I knew this about myself for over a decade before I was ready to accept it and do something about it. Then, when I had myself in the right frame of mind, I decided to try to ask other people to understand what I had come to understand. I was lucky- everyone did. But I can't help feeling that being able to explain this is important. The more "normal" it is for you, the easier it will be to show other people that its "normal."

You can look at it as being dishonest if you want to. I went through that phase myself. I had terrible guilt about "hiding" for a while. But I don't think dishonestly is really a fair way to percieve it, and I don't think we deserve that guilt at the end of the day.

So many people fear how things will turn out only to discover that they were correct to fear them. And why? Is it our fault that we're born this way? Is it our fault that some people cannot comprehend that being transsexual does NOT mean that you can't love the people you love- your husband, your wife? This perception that love can only follow gender lines is irrational but pervasive in our society. So, suddenly, if you come to your wits end and decide that you can't stand the confusion and the pain of living as your biological gender, which is the normal outcome for a born transsexual at some point, then suddenly you are a "liar" and the love you have professed in the past must be a lie too?

It doesn't make sense, and its not fair, and these irrational but profound consequences of this condition, which none of us asked for, are plenty of justification, in my mind, for taking whatever time you need to learn and make decisions and find a way to help the people that you care about accept what you ultimately MUST tell them.

And yes, eventually you have to. But when and how is up to you, and you shouldn't feel guilt about coming here and needing to talk to people and figure things out.

Unfortunately there is no manual for how to live and progress as a human being with this condition. Most of us have to make it up as we go, and we just do the best we can. This is yet another reason, also, why therapy is recommended and even required at various stages of transition: because trying to get through all of this on your own is no way to go. Support and advice from people with experience is good to have.

And frankly, we deserve whatever understanding and leeway the people who really do love us can afford to give, no matter how hard it is or how much of a sacrifice it is. This is not a choice and its not something that is frivolous or something that can be supressed forever. The very fact that people will come here and talk about being "willing" to lose a marriage or a career or their families should tell people how serious this is. NO ONE gives those things up for frivolous reasons. They might give them up for the sake of sanity or survival though.

The thing is, they shouldn't HAVE to.

I hope that everyone who has this difficult path to take, who has to tell a loved one in a committed relationship that they can't help being who they are, will turn out to have invested their love and trust in understanding people. I hope it goes well for everyone. And for those who are not so lucky, I hope that you can still find your way.

But whatever the possible outcome, take your time. You have probably already lived most of your life in some degree of a state of repression, so the freedom to accept yourself is a profound stride in your path. What you do from here and how you do it is important.

Be honest and be yourself, but take care of yourself while you do it.

[Guest SharonKJ]

Thank you, Isobelle. Your insight is very illuminating and understanding. In reference to my coming out to my wife; Yesterday I did it sucessfully and am now ready to move on further in my self discovery and hopefully transiton.

My brief and fairly uneventful story is here: http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...c=3258&st=0

Hugs!

Sharon

[Guest Chrissie]

When i told my wife of my need to transition,it was after going thorough two years of therapy.

She knew i was seeing a Talk Doc,but she didn't know why.I didn't want to say anything until i was certain of the path i intended to take.

I took her to Red Lobster for lunch,"her favorite place".

As we sat there talking general everyday stuff,i built up the courage to tell her the truth about myself.

"Dear,there is something i have to tell you." I paused letting that sink in.

"I want to live the rest of my life as a woman."

"WHAT?You want to change your body,grow boobs? Are you nuts?" Needless to say lunch was over.

To say she was angry is an understatement.She felt, hurt,abandoned and lied to."You mean our whole life was a lie? That you never loved me?That you were always a girl?"

No matter how i tried to console her,i was wrong."No dear i have loved you since the day i met you."

And,"when our life was good,"she" could be controlled.But,Yes i have always known of my girl,since about two or three i knew that all wasn't right in gender land."

Then she proceeded to tell the world,her whole family,my co workers,"and i was the boss imagine that",all our friends and aquaintances.I hadn't intended for the f'n world to know....

This caused me to face my choice very early on.Not something i was not ready to do just yet.

But,being forced to face it ,i also told all my relatives."Better from me than her'', i figured.

All these years later,and i can still remember that conversation clearly.

It was the turning point of my life.

Whew!That was tough.

Angie.

I hate to say it but it could have been a lot worse. You dumped a bomb in her lap and she doesn't know what to do about it.

What would have been worse is If she accepted it right away.... and said "Oh darling I love you anyway..." that would have meant that she didn't even give it a chance. Give her time allow her to muddle through her feelings about it but remain ever present in her life... being there to answer questions sincerely and honestly.

Loved ones feel our changing as a betrayal of sorts like we were just waiting for the right time to drop that bomb in their laps. They don't see how hard it is for us to come forward and tell them... while in some instances those told will stay and even grow to love this 'new' person in their lives... Most won't...

The best way to drop this bomb is to do it and explain as much as possible before they can blow up. The bomb will eventually blow up... but it is possible to reduce the impact instead of 100 pounds of dynamite... you have .01 pounds of dynamite. (I rarely hear of stories that person coming out is this good at defusing the situation... but its possible) Time and Knowledge are our best tools in this situation. Being able to answer their questions helps those being told... as well as those coming out.

I lectured Long enough ... hugs everyone.