What do I say?

[Guest AshleighP]

A week or so ago my wife was passing my open closet as I was getting my sneakers on. She knows about my dressing and I don't hide anything from her. She just prefers that I don't dress while she's around. 

 She commented on a top that she saw hanging. "Is that a new shirt?" I said not really I bought it a couple months ago. A couple days later, I was getting clothes out of a drawer to get dressed and noticed that things were not as I had left them. I checked my other drawers and closet and could tell that someone had gone through them all. Again, there is nothing there that I am trying to hide. Wigs, breast forms, bras, panties, etc are all just put away where they belong. At first I was a bit upset. The old me would have confronted her immediately, in a less than kind manner for what I considered an invasion of privacy, but I didn't.

So, my question is, what do I say, if anything? Do I just leave it alone? She never said anything she to me about what she found. 

[Guest Emily H]

Hm. That's not an easy question, but I don't think you should just leave it alone. You could be direct and just ask her if she went through your stuff. I mean, maybe she was curious or even jealous of your style? Who knows, but given she's your wife you two should be able to talk about these sort of things.

If there's an issue and it's ignored, it's not ever going to get better, only worse. But if you bring it up now it might be something you two can work out. Or maybe there's not an issue at all, maybe she's just curious and is opening up to the idea?

[Rowan]

It's just an optimistic thought, but Christmas is coming soon. Maybe she was going through your stuff to find out your sizes and style for gifts for you. Like Emily said, maybe she's opening up to it more.

[VickySGV]

My first question is do you two wear the same sizes?  I know of a couple of my friends whose gradually accepting spouses did, and the one was checking out how something the other one would look on them too.  The best moment was when the cis spouse actually confessed that they were envious of the Trans* spouse's taste, and it ended up with a shopping trip together that melted the ice to water.

If this happened more than 72 hours ago, I would leave it alone, but if you are going to bring it up, be sure it is not done in anger, or accusatory strike out.  Keep it on what you noticed which is that your stuff seemed disarranged from how you left it or so you remember.  Let her know you are ready to talk more and in detail about your feelings, and what you believe as your goals in how your CDing fits into your life together. Maybe revisit the "invading my privacy" angle here and loosen up on it a bit in your own mind, you are out to her and you do wear the clothing.  She knows, she is not serving you with papers in regard to the marriage, so breathe normally and take a chance on her having resolved some of her doubts or concerns. 

Two weeks ago I was at a major Transgender conference where about a fifth of the attendees were cis spouses and they were happy and supportive of their Trans* partners and participated with them in events such as make-up shopping and demonstrations, and other shopping as well as just time with others like themselves on both sides of the marriage.  Most of the CDers will not have a lot of time elsewhere, but that is their coping with it in real life.

[Guest AshleighP]

Thanks for the advice and the positive outlooks. This is what I appreciate most apbout this site, the chance to gain the perspective of others who understand.

[Guest BobbiLee]

Interesting topic.  A couple of weeks ago I bought a new top.  I hung it in the corner where I keep my things since my wife knows.  I mentioned it to her in passing that I bought a new top then we talked a bit and I asked her if she had seen it yet.  She said no and it was pretty much just dropped there.  I came home from work a coue days later and noticed itbwas not where I hung it up...it was on her side of the walk in closet so I knew it was not just a mistake of looking at it and putting back in the wrong place. I did not say anything to her and later that day or the next, she in a similar off handed way said something like, "Oh, I saw your new top and I'm keeping it since you don't have anyplace to wear it right now."  We laughed and I told her she can wear anything she wants since we are wear basically the same size, including shoes for the most part. While she hasn't yet, I am sure she will soon enough which is just fine with me.  

On a side note, she obviously knows but like others she has not seen me and not sure she will in the near future.  I'm not sure I am ready and I know she is not ready but as far as shopping, as long as I don't blow the budget I'm ok.  

Bobbi

[VickySGV]

I would make a strong recommendation that has worked for the continuing married couples I know. For their first time seeing "YOU", dress with your spouse there in the room with you, and just chat as you are doing it. As much as possible, chat about ordinary things in life together and only talk about the clothing as you need "technical assistance"   If you have helped her with her bra in the past, let her help you with yours is a fine idea.  Skirt zippers and seams that need to be straight or positioned, etc are another point of cooperation.  If your spouse has recommendations on accessories, by all means listen and say thank you and at least try them on.  This works because it is continuing the communications you have had before and the cooperation.  It should take time, maybe the whole evening. You see and hear that neither of you change in your essential selves, only in the clothing you wear and only then.  As much as possible leave the comments about physical intimacy and yes, sex out of it for the first time.  It is fine to maybe shift the conversation towards "girl talk", but as said this is a continuation of you, the clothing change itself is continuation and evolution of you all at once, and it is continuation and evolution of your relationship.

[Guest]

Some of my and my wife's clothing will fit us both so we swap from time to time. But that would only be certain drawers and the closet. I guess I'd ask her if she found what she was looking for and open the conversation like that, and just talk about it.

The 'skirt too short' comment reminds me, so many people comment that I dress 'age appropriate'. I have to laugh each time. LOL