Trying

[Alex Blitzen]

Trying really hard to be okay

But I just feel like running away

Want to drink to forget

Trying to kill the pain

 

I can't seem to function anymore

My mind is constantly at war

Want to hide away

Trying to stay sane

 

I can't eat; I can't sleep

Trying not to weep

Want to die

Trying to fight against my brain

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Alex,

I'm going to reply to both this poem and "I Hate Me" here.

You are in a dark place right now, dear friend. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's the light of hope. Today it may appear so distant and dim that it seems it must be an illusion, but it's there, and it's real. A little over 10 years ago, I was strung out on drugs from a horrible relapse, lost and confused in a pit of my own dispair, feeling like my world had come to it's end. I looked for that faint glimmer of hope. I saw it, though it looked so distant and dim, I didn't think I could ever get to it. I didn't even know if it was real. But anything was better than where I was, so I reached out for it, and my hand was taken, and I was drawn to that hope. There were people in that light of hope, other addicts who had been where I was, and found a way out of that horrible pit and had found a new way of life. These people were members of Narcotics Anonymous. They promised they would love me until I could love myself, and that's just what they did. They had found thier way to recovery from addiction together, and that's how I found my way, with them, together. Together with them, I have done something I have never done before. I have stayed clean for over 10 years! Doctors, religion, and family couldn't do that for me, but fellow recovering addicts could! TOGETHER!

 

Last winter, having recently accepted that I was transgender, I again found myself awash in a pit of dispair. I hated my body. I hated my world. I felt ashamed of what I am. I was alone, and I was afraid. I was having suicidal thoughts. Once again, I sought that dim glimmer of hope and reached out for it. Once again, my hand was taken, and I was drawn to that light of hope. There were people in that light, other transgender people who understood where I was from from there own experience and supported and helped eachother in thier transgender lives, TOGETHER! I had found Laura's, and shortly after, I found a transgender AA group. They've been here for me, and once again I was loved until I could love myself. There is nothing to be ashamed of in being transgender. This is who we are. This is how we were born. We are not bad or perverted people. And our addiction is a disease, we did not choose it. As addicts, we are good people who have a bad problem. We are here for you Alex, and we will love you until you can love yourself. In fact, we'll keep loving you even after that! We can make it TOGETHER!

Never be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help. This is a lot for us to go through without guidance. 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Alex Blitzen]

Thank you Timber Wolf, this helps.

[Charlize]

Alex, Like you i tried to let go with alcohol.  I learned in recovery that perhaps my gender issues were not the reason for my drinking but i have also seen many who are having gender issues have substance issues as well.  Somehow i thought i could avoid the pain that was being caused by my fear of simply finding out about and then accepting myself.  I, like Timber Wolf, found Laura's but before then had found the fellowship of AA.  It took time but once i was sober i began to step out.  I was amazed that when i came out with my home group i found only support rather than the ridicule or criticism i so feared.  Laura's was another great step forward.  Other trans* alcoholics as well as simply folks who had been through such similar experiences.  I wasn't alone!  Now i also have several meetings i attend with trans* folks from all around the world in an A/V setting.  I've actually found some peace with myself and the world without alcohol.  I could have never seen that coming.  If i hadn't at first reached out i couldn't have even made the first step.

Glad your here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Briana]

On 11/20/2016 at 6:20 AM, Timber Wolf said:

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's the light of hope. Today it may appear so distant and dim that it seems it must be an illusion, but it's there, and it's real.

Hi Alex, if you see one thing in all that's written above by our friends, let it be this statement I quoted above that Timberwolf wrote.  From there, I believe everything else that both Timberwolf and Charlize wrote is based on this - that there is hope and that it's real.  Reaching out for help takes you closer and closer to that hope, and the help you need.  Find that campus or community based addition recovery support group and give it a try.  I think you'll be surprised, happy, and pleased with the sense of community and comaraderie that you'll find.  I also think you'll find a sense of purpose that will help you move forward. 

The last thing Charlize said above was;

36 minutes ago, Charlize said:

If i hadn't at first reached out i couldn't have even made the first step.

I feel that you've reached out to the people on this forum here.  Both Timber & Charlize have given you some good info.  Take that next step towards hope and that better life you're looking for.