Lost

[Alex Blitzen]

The all consuming darkness

Reaches into my soul

Lost in the fog

No light in sight

Spinning around looking for an escape

This place is so cold

Nothing but pain

When will I find the exit?

How can I leave this place?

Wish I could just die

[vannaaa]

Dear Alex I am soo sorry you are feeling lost in a lost world

I started crying when i read your poem .

I thought I might never see you again.

I don't come here much any more , but would for you

know that I love you , always have

vanna

[Charlize]

Alex please remember that you are not alone and that here at least there is the warmth of acceptance and love.  Please consider going to chat and talking to a mod there. This has been a difficult time for most of us but if we talk to each other and know we are not alone it certainly helps.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest]

Don't wish to die, wish to be reborn. That's what our journeys are all about.

I really can identify with your poem. I was long time entertaining that idea until I  read Angie Fenimore's story of her suicide near death experience. I tossed those ideas real quick.

Now whatever comes, I'm in it for the end game. No checking out early for this girl. Keep writing though, it's a great release. Hug. JodyAnn

[BlindWillow]

As a fellow writer who deals with her own often-crippling depression, I recommend using your pen (or keyboard) to start forging a new path. Writing your dark thoughts and feelings can only do so much, I have found. If you start writing poems that have at least a little light in them, then you have built yourself a tunnel (no matter how narrow) through the dark toward the light. It's better than focusing only on the "light at the end," in my opinion, better to make a little light of your own right now. Hope that helps. 

[Jennifer T]

Alex, sometimes the darkness is indeed all consuming. Sometimes the pain permeates every fiber of our being. 

In these times, we write. We embrace the pain and loneliness and become one with it while we let its life flow out in the words we spill out on the paper. 

For the poet, this must be done. But we are far more than the pain we embrace. We are greater than the darkness that envelopes us and we have within us the light that is capable of burning away the darkness; easing the pain. And that light knows the truth of who we are. 

Write here. Bleed all over these pages. But hold tight to the light shown here by the words of those in this room with you. 

Embrace the darkness. But embrace the light as well.

[JJ]

Alex you have fought so long and so valiantly. I have always admired that. Admired you. I cannot say what will work for you. I can say how I walked out of my own pain and decided one day I had to decide to let the pain go and change how I reacted. To start to find anything I could to focus on that wass enjoyable- even as simple as the color of the sky or the pattern of light on a leaf-and refuse to go into the dark anymore. Refuse to pay more for what others have done to my life. And how I reacted. I've paid enough. But I KNOW we can find peace. I KNOW we can find light. It is a struggle. It's a committment to relearn about how we react to everything that happens to us. It gets easier with time. Much easier. And life gets better.

Funny but as I have done that I have completely let go of the past. Yesterday was our Thanksgiving and I was struck by the fact that I no longer cared about the traditions Ive felt compelled to follow because they were from my childhood. My childhood wasn't good. And finally I had my own day with my daughter and granddaughter without that pressure- or those memories. I think I was trying to hold on so hard for so long to make the past what it should have been somehow. Now I just let it go.

I agree with the advise to come here. To let it out. But I also think it's necessary to go beyond that as well. To start looking for good even in the dark of pain. It is there. Do what brings you pleasure even if the pleasure is diminished. It will come back. It will help.

One other thing that can help is to use your pain to help and serve others. Volunteer somewhere on the days that you know will be dark, There are many places where hands and caring are desperately needed and they don't care what your history or gender or orientation are. Unitarian churches and United Methodist Churches will be accepting and many have outreach programs where they need you.

Hang on. You will make it. And it will be worth it.

Johnny

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Alex,

One thing I've noticed in many of the responses is the need to look for the things of light that are around you even in despair. The reason I like that is because that's how I do it. I lived for 12 years in my dream home in the north woods of Michigan. Then I had to leave to find work. I had to leave the forest which I considered heaven, and move to Grand Rapids, which I consider as hell. I had dreamed and planned on living the rest of my days up there. I knew it is almost impossible that I'll ever live up there again. Almost every day, I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry, and sometimes did. I thought I would never see the light again. But even in this miserable city, there was light. I just had to look for it. 

I've been trying desperately to save my home at least for a place to weekend and vacation at. Just today something occured that made me accept that saving my dream is not possible. My dream is lost. On my way home on the bus, I was trying so hard to hold it all together and not cry in front of everyone, and failing. All I wanted to do was get home, curl up in a corner and cry. The thought of suicide came to my mind again for the first time since March. I wished I had never been born. But life goes on. It was getting dark as I made it home. The house accross the street put Christmas lights up. I got to my apartment and turned my Christmas tree lights on and my little electric simulated wood stove. I looked at the lights accross the street. It was beautiful. I'm sad and hurting tonight. I'm crying a lot. But there is light! There is beauty! I look for it. And I know the sun will rise tomorrow. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I've learned in life that there is hope to be had, even in despair. Now, as that day gets nearer when I will have to say goodbye to my home in the woods and I feel myself sinking into that horrible pit of despair, I will look for the light and beauty to pull myself back out of that pit. I know it will be there, because it always has been. I just have to find it. Life goes on.

I hope this may help you in some small way. It helps me a lot writing it.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?