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Submitted For Your Approval (Again for the First Time)


Cindy4Review

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Good morning and Hello from the Beehive State.

It's hard to introduce myself. Even with the myriad of identity options today, picking one remains a challenge. As with any peer group, selecting how to self-identity suddenly triggers anxiety brought on by the fear of being rejected by that group.

My pursuit of identity may be better suited for another forum, so let's keep this simple. My display name ("Cindy4Review") is relic of my teenage years when I had a blisteringly fast dial-up internet connection and would get in trouble for running up the pay-by-the-minute internet bill. Cindy has been a part of me for all these years, though it has been over twenty years since I reached out as her.

In the intervening years I got married, started a family, became an attorney and wrote e-publish fiction under the pen-name "Arlais". I keep my social interactions consistent with my outward appearance (bearded, motorcycling riding, boisterous guy) dictate my. Though more recently I have sought treatment for anxiety and depression. Cindy is a part of me that remains safely hidden from everyone (including my psychiatrist). The scant vestiges of Cindy in the real world are carefully folded away and only come out when I have the house to myself.

The sense of relief from dressing "comfortably" is immense and recharges me for a while.

So that's me for now.

Thanks for reading,
Cindy. :peacock:

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Hi Cindy! Love the name! Welcome to Laura's!

You are not alone darlin'! Many of us have struggled with the things we have hidden about ourselves! I am one of those who went to the extreme. I put who I was in a box so securely I would have swore to you that I wasn't transgender and that I was, in fact, a straight cis-man! For just over twenty years I managed to lie to myself and ignore the fact that I couldn't remember my childhood. But who I was came out in unexpected ways and the emotional problems of keeping everything under wraps got me into a lot of trouble.

It's good that you have a therapist! I don't want to presume or come off as pushy, but in my opinion (not worth much!), I think you should talk to your therapist about Cindy. It's scary as hell, I know. But in the meantime, we are here when you need us! Look around and get to know the place!

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Cindy.  i'm sure it was hard to write your introduction.  I remember it was certainly difficult for me to peek out of the closet in any way.  I was 63 when i finally came to grips with the gender issues i suffered withnfor years.  Laura's played a big part in an acceptance of what appeared to be absolutely unacceptable.  Simply knowing i wasn't alone helped.  Reading and posting helped as well and after a bit i was even honest with a therapist.  Take your time, just glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Cindy,

Thank you for your kind words. It was unexpectedly comforting just to be acknowledged and addressed as Cindy. It is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying to consider the possibility of exploring myself as an adult. Like many I'm sure, I had these feelings in isolation as a youth without even having a depth of appropriate vocabulary to put words to what I was going through. I just assumed there was something wrong with me which needed to be tucked away.

I suppose it's time to put my big girl panties on start figuring out who I am. Though even opening up to my therapist seems daunting. I feel like I need to workout and look my best (as though I was getting ready for bathing suit season) before I can approach the subject with her. I feel like anyone's first thought would be "Whoah. You'd make one ugly girl." Terrible I know but there is some safety in the inequitable beauty standards between men and women. 

One step at a time. 

Thanks again!

Cindy

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Cindy

Welcome :)

My take on things is to try to relax in who you are. Ugly girl? You are maybe thinking as a man. If you are not sure, just try placing yourself in the body of a woman. What would you do? Many women worry about how they look. The only real difference would be in the viewpoint you are looking from. Confidence in who you are comes from accepting believing in yourself.

Take it steady and work your way there.

Tracy x

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Cindy,

Welcome to Laura's! You will not be rejected here. On the contrary, you'll be welcomed with open arms, and hearts! We all know how scary it is to write that first introduction post. You did great! 

 

As a teen, I dressed as a girl in my sister's cloths (in secret). When I got out of High School, I made the decision that I was going to be what society told me I was supposed to be, a man. I locked Carla away in a cell in the deepest dungeon of my mind. I would be a man, and that was that. Carla would escape from time to time, but I'd nab her and throw her back in her cell, and I'd purge. Finally, Carla blew out of her cell and would not be put back. I finally accepted her, accepted that she is me, and I am her. This did not happen over night, and it did not happen on my own.

 

You've taken the bravest step toward learning who Cindy is. It's terrifying taking that first step out of the closet. But we're here extending a welcoming hand. And it's ok, we won't hurt you. You'll find love, caring, and understanding here. I'm glad you came! Let's be friends!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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14 hours ago, Cindy4Review said:

Hi Cindy,

Thank you for your kind words. It was unexpectedly comforting just to be acknowledged and addressed as Cindy. It is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying to consider the possibility of exploring myself as an adult. Like many I'm sure, I had these feelings in isolation as a youth without even having a depth of appropriate vocabulary to put words to what I was going through. I just assumed there was something wrong with me which needed to be tucked away.

I suppose it's time to put my big girl panties on start figuring out who I am. Though even opening up to my therapist seems daunting. I feel like I need to workout and look my best (as though I was getting ready for bathing suit season) before I can approach the subject with her. I feel like anyone's first thought would be "Whoah. You'd make one ugly girl." Terrible I know but there is some safety in the inequitable beauty standards between men and women. 

One step at a time. 

Thanks again!

Cindy

Girl, you are echoing many of my own thoughts when I finally 'popped my cap' and started acknowledging the truth about myself! As a kid, I thought I was born wrong, I thought I was broken! So I put everything in a box and locked it away. But I've realized that I'm not broken, I was born like this and there is nothing wrong with me for being this way. It's our society that is wrong! Did you know that in other cultures they have more than two genders? Some have, like, six! So we are born like this and we are all over the world, in every culture, and so far in my research as far back as 2,500 years at least!

I still struggle with how I look even though I've been told many times that I can pass as a cis-woman. This is probably going to be a struggle for me for the rest of my life. I grew up with two older sisters and inherited all of their insecurities during puberty, but didn't get to overcome them by becoming comfortable in my own skin as I grew up. But you know what? I decided that I'd rather be an ugly woman than a pretty man! But we each have our own journey, take yours one step at a time.

Much love darlin'!

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Hi Cindy and welcome to Laura's.   You've taken a big step getting some help from your counselor.  Don't waste that opportunity and sabotage it by holding things in/back.  Relax and open up to her.  She'll keep it totally confidential and seriously, there's probably not too much you can tell her that she hasn't heard or dealt with.  When she's in a therapy session with you, her mind is going through a different process vs. the average person.  She's in "help mode" - she's constantly listening for issues and thinking about how she can help you.  She's not there to lecture, criticize, judge, or belittle you.  She want's to help you.

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10 hours ago, Briana said:

Hi Cindy and welcome to Laura's.   You've taken a big step getting some help from your counselor.  Don't waste that opportunity and sabotage it by holding things in/back.  Relax and open up to her.  She'll keep it totally confidential and seriously, there's probably not too much you can tell her that she hasn't heard or dealt with.  When she's in a therapy session with you, her mind is going through a different process vs. the average person.  She's in "help mode" - she's constantly listening for issues and thinking about how she can help you.  She's not there to lecture, criticize, judge, or belittle you.  She want's to help you.

Excellent way to put it Briana! Sometimes we don't realize that a therapist is doing more than just being a good listener! I know I was nervous too! That is why I looked up what their legal responsibilities were as well as their ethics. It's hard to trust, I know I don't trust anyone at first! But my therapist earned my trust over and over again, they really are there to help!

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Cindy and welcome.  Thanks for the introduction.  You're in good company here. 

Jani

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