Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hello


Steffi_Memmel

Recommended Posts

Hello,

My name is Steffi.  It is not the name I was born with.  It is the name I wish I was born with.  I am separated from my wife of 28 years, with two adult daughters.  I have been obsessed with dressing and feeling female since my earliest memories.  These desires and feelings have dominated most of my life, and ruined pretty much ALL of my relationships, including my marriage.  I do remain close to my Mother, who is unaware that I still have "dressing issues", and am close with one of my daughters, who I HOPE is unaware...

For the longest, I just thought I was a CD/TV, because of my focus on female clothes.  Initially, I wore in part for sexual stimulation.  Over the years, that has significantly waned, and yet I still dress female, even more now that I live alone, to feel comfortable, to feel "right".  I have roughly five times as many female clothes as male.  While many are kind of sexy/costume/fetish stuff, most is just girly and feminine "normal" womens'/girls' wear.

Like many teens, I was fairly androgynous until well after puberty, and was often mistaken for a girl until I was around fifteen years old.  Damn, do I miss that feeling... 

Edit:  I should mention that I have taken several of the more reputable online "gender dysphoria" tests.  The results were (paraphrased) "Probable late-onset Transgender", "Highly Likely Transgender" and "69% Female Personality, Possible Transgender".  I know, I know, online quizzes/tests are nowhere near as reliable as an actual gender therapist, but it's what I HAVE...

At this point, I am pretty much convinced that I am a transgender.  I am terrified of the prospect.  I know that I could never "pass" as a female, even with surgery and hormones, so what's the point?  I have not spoken with a gender therapist.  I don't even know where to begun to find one that speaks English in my area of Germany.  Evenn if I could find one, I don't know if I would have the courage to go.  The very idea of telling freinds, family and co-workers that I am a TG paralyzes me.

I often suffer bouts of depression.  I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but none in recent years.  I have become resigned that I'll never be who I am supposed to be, and I will likely die alone.

How's that for a cheery intro?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Steffi.  Your story is no different than many of us here.  I'm sorry to hear of your separation.  

58 minutes ago, Steffi_Memmel said:

Like many teens, I was fairly androgynous until well after puberty, and was often mistaken for a girl until I was around fifteen years old.  Damn, do I miss that feeling... 

I was regularly mistaken well until 19, and then occasionally even through my 50's.  Whether you are transgender or not only you can say.  But if I were to hazard a guess I would say so.  Keep looking for a therapist and don't be afraid to go.  Even though I was afraid to tell anyone, I felt I needed to talk to a professional.  I was terrified but it was the most uplifting experience as I felt a huge weight was taken from me.  Depression is not uncommon but don't let it drive your life.  

As far as a cheery intro, I suppose that's as good as it can get here!   Please join in the conversation and ask questions if you have any.

Cheers, 

Jani

Link to comment

Welcome to Laura's Steffi!

I found that those online tests give the answer you want. But in the end, if your testing like that, and want to be female, that in and of itself is usually a strong indicator you have gender dysphoria. But that is something best left to working with a gender therapist. I know you posted about finding one in Bavaria, so hopefully you'll be able to find one soon.

Hugs,

Marcie

Link to comment

Jani and Marcie,

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Marcie, I know that most online tests are trying to sell you something, and the ones I took are likely no different.  But it was interesting how many of the questions on them are similar, even identical.  It's clear to me that if I "wanted" a higher "female" score, I could have easily "gamed" the test and gotten it.  I tried very hard to answer the questions honestly, even when it was clear which answers the test "thought" were more female or male.

The one that rated me a " Probable late-onset Transgender" provided a rather in-depth analysis of WHY it came to that conclusion, and even stated that it was "more than possible" that I was NOT transgender at all, and only real time with a professional Therapist or Psychologist could tell.

What I "wanted" to hear was that I was "just" a delusional crossdresser... OR that I was definitely a m2f Transgender.  None of the tests gave me that.  They all basically said, "Yeah.. you're probably Transgender... You should get that checked out... really.  It could be serious.".

I hope I can try :)

Link to comment

Hi Steffe

Welcome to Laura's Playground.   I was listening to what you are saying.  I would agree that you need to see a therapist.  He or she can determine and give you a confirmatory diagnosis of gender disphoria.  A letter of disphoria can come in handy if you want to take the next step of starting hormones.

It just doesn't matter to pass.  You do not have to pass,   It's more important to be happy.  Hormones will do a world of good fixing your depression and increasing your happiness.  Beginning transition is hard.  I know because I've gone through it.  

Steffi, you are entering an exciting time in your life.  It will be filled with pitfalls sure, but I have faith that you will get through them. It is so great  living as your true self.  Life as a girl is so great.  Keep looking 

Hugs  Kathryn

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

Hello Steffi,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. :)

MaryEllen

Link to comment

Kathryn and MaryEllen,

Thank you for the welcome!

Kathryn, thanks for the positive thoughts :) It's kind of a big deal to me to even BE here, even with my real identity "hidden".  It's even a bigger deal to even admit to MYSELF that my "issues" are far deeper than enjoying wearing women's clothes.

At this point, I don't know if I actually AM entering an "exciting time in my life", or not...  I hope so, I truly do...  We will see :)

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, Steffi.  I hope that by reading many posts and asking questions, you'll get a sense of who you are and what is possible.  Over the years, I have found that most of what I thought was impossible turned out to be very possible.  You might find the same.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Hi Steffi, welcome to Laura's!

Taking this path is a rollercoaster of emotions no matter which way you look at it. I would also suggest you look for a therapist, but I know how hard that can be to find. Lacking that I would tell you to make a plan and decide what to do. Some of us never come out of the closet and that is okay. Some of us leap out of the closet without thinking about the consequences and that can be rough. Take your time to decide what you want, what you can live with, and what will make you happy. Remember, you have to manage this and weigh your options as well as the impact it will have on those around you.

I wish you happiness and love! Remember, we are always here for you!

Link to comment

Carolyn and Cindy,

Thanks for the warm welcome, AND the words of encouragement!

Cindy, I have been looking for a therapists, and with Jani's help I may have found one.  I have been considering this for a long, long time, I just haven't had the courage to ACT on those thoughts.  Now I am at least ready to get a professional opinion.  That's a HUGE step for me, and I am still hedging my bets.  I am paying cash, and not claiming it on my insurance.  I'm taking "vacation hours" to attend the session, not "medical leave".

I'm not announcing to anybody outside of this forum what I am considering, until I am actually sure of precisely WHAT I am "considering"...  :)

I just know I am not happy.  I want to be happy.  I'm not clinically depressed, but I am definitely NOT happy, and I often wonder, "What's the point in living, if you're not enjoying your life?".  I need to do SOMETHING, or I might become dangerously depressed.  So I am :)

Link to comment

I didn't know where else to post this...

I went back to the online "Gender Dysphoria" tests.  Rather than being honest, I tried to answer them as they appeared to WANT me to answer to "present" as TG...  I only tried to the two most reputable and comprehensive ones.

"Probable late-onset Transgender" became TRANSGENDER, literally in allcaps.  "69% Female Personality, Possible Transgender" became just "Transgender" (minus the "possible"), 95% Female Personality, with dire warnings to seek IMMEDIATE professional medical assistance and counseling.  It even went on to say that I was SO "Female Thinking", that I might be actually intersexed, rather than TG, and I should get myself tested as soon as possible.

So, yeah...  The tests aren't perfect. But if you're honest, they can be a tool.  If you're not (being honest), why even bother taking them in the first place?

 

/hugs

 

-Steffi

Link to comment

Those tests may provide some ideas, but I personally, seriously doubt that they could be considered very accurate.

During my first few months of counseling. I started to wonder if maybe this was just a new hobby, I've had a million. But over time I started remembering things from when I was around 4-5, and throughout life. 

Look for hints throughout. I recall many, but the strongest is when I was 5 and told my father that I am supposed to be a girl (or something like that). It didn't go over well, obviously. I started realizing how many things were related to my trans, but I never realized it. Luck, sweetie.....

Link to comment
7 hours ago, Fiona said:

Those tests may provide some ideas, but I personally, seriously doubt that they could be considered very accurate.

Oh, they're not accurate at all...  They rely waaaay too much on outdated stereotypes and generalizations, but if answered honestly, they are a decent indicator, nothing more :)

7 hours ago, Fiona said:

During my first few months of counseling. I started to wonder if maybe this was just a new hobby, I've had a million. But over time I started remembering things from when I was around 4-5, and throughout life. 

Look for hints throughout. I recall many, but the strongest is when I was 5 and told my father that I am supposed to be a girl (or something like that). It didn't go over well, obviously. I started realizing how many things were related to my trans, but I never realized it. Luck, sweetie.....

Thank you!  I'm kind of already starting on that.  Cross-Dressing and the desire to "feel" like a girl/woman have been a MAJOR part of my life pretty much forever.  I could just never get over that hump, and make the logical "leap" that I wanted to BE female, not "just" dress and act like one.  It's not hard to find examples of my "Trans" nature showing through, they were there, inmy face, almost every day of my life.

I just kept stubbornly refusing to recognize them, for a lot of reasons, probably, but mainly because the very idea of "transitioning" absolutely terrifies me.  In retrospect, the question isn't, "Are you SURE you want to be female?", it's "Why in the HELL did you wait so long?  What do I have to do, hit you over the head with a two-by-four?!?"...

/hugs

-Steffi

Link to comment
10 hours ago, Steffi_Memmel said:

Oh, they're not accurate at all...  They rely waaaay too much on outdated stereotypes and generalizations, but if answered honestly, they are a decent indicator, nothing more :)

Thank you!  I'm kind of already starting on that.  Cross-Dressing and the desire to "feel" like a girl/woman have been a MAJOR part of my life pretty much forever.  I could just never get over that hump, and make the logical "leap" that I wanted to BE female, not "just" dress and act like one.  It's not hard to find examples of my "Trans" nature showing through, they were there, inmy face, almost every day of my life.

I just kept stubbornly refusing to recognize them, for a lot of reasons, probably, but mainly because the very idea of "transitioning" absolutely terrifies me.  In retrospect, the question isn't, "Are you SURE you want to be female?", it's "Why in the HELL did you wait so long?  What do I have to do, hit you over the head with a two-by-four?!?"...

/hugs

-Steffi

Yes, I look back and realized that I basically wasted 2/3 of my life fighting it, repressing it. Now I truly wish I had figured this all out years ago.

Perhaps it may be an indicator, however, I've seen people get very upset over the outcome, I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall in that boat. :) 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Fiona said:

Perhaps it may be an indicator, however, I've seen people get very upset over the outcome, I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall in that boat. :) 

Thanks, sweetie :) The tests didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself.  If they had disagreed with my own assessment, it wouldn't have bothered me much, but they kind of turned out like I expected.  I'm waaaaaay more interested on what my Therapist and I talk about than a standardized test...  It was just something to do as I ravaged the interweb, looking for information on Gender Dysphoria :)

2 hours ago, Fiona said:

Yes, I look back and realized that I basically wasted 2/3 of my life fighting it, repressing it. Now I truly wish I had figured this all out years ago.

Ditto...  I'm getting the sense that this is an all-too-common theme among us sisters :) I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my various topics.  I'm kinda hangin' by a thread at the moment...

/hugs

-Steffi

Link to comment
9 minutes ago, Steffi_Memmel said:

Thanks, sweetie :) The tests didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself.  If they had disagreed with my own assessment, it wouldn't have bothered me much, but they kind of turned out like I expected.  I'm waaaaaay more interested on what my Therapist and I talk about than a standardized test...  It was just something to do as I ravaged the interweb, looking for information on Gender Dysphoria :)

Ditto...  I'm getting the sense that this is an all-too-common theme among us sisters :) I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my various topics.  I'm kinda hangin' by a thread at the moment...

/hugs

-Steffi

I'm far too intimate with that thread you speak of. And any time you'd like to PM me or whatever, go ahead. I'm also on facebook if you're interested.

I have a lot of trans and cis friends, but all my friends support the LGBTQ, I won't have friends that don't support people... :) 

*hugs* honey, take care.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Laura's Steffi.  I took a test early on and simply realized that i understood that it was amazingly easy to influence the results to where i wanted them to come out.  I had to find a path to self realization and acceptance on my own.  This site helped as did gender therapy.  I also found i needed some time living as myself doing the mundane tasks of life.

Knowing i wasn't alone certainly helped as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 112 Guests (See full list)

    • Ivy
    • Charlize
    • Maddee
    • Hannah Renee
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • MaryEllen
    • Betty K
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Petra Jane
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,939
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Chaidoesart
    Newest Member
    Chaidoesart
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ivy
      Bean burritos are still popular in my family.   Black eyed peas are the one legume I'm not fond of.  I need to add lots of onions. And of course always cook your pintoes with fat-meat.  And for y'all yankees, navy beans with a big ol' ham bone are hard to beat.
    • Betty K
      Seek out community, not just online but in person if possible. Making trans friends is a pretty quick and easy way to gauge if you have much in common with them.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Glad to be home and did go out for a walk this morning.Good thing is that went good.Still taking it easy
    • Charlize
      It certainly could be classed as dark humor.  Unfortunately the sentiments alone must hurt young trans folks.  Decency and reality doesn't seem to be in the GOP's vocabulary.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Mmindy
      Good morning all,    It’s a frosty morning here the lawn looks silvery, and the uncovered spring flowers have icy edges on their leaves. The only flower bed I covered was my tulips. As nice as it is here during the day, our clear wind free nights allow the temperatures to drop into the mid twenties. Here in our growing zone it’s recommended that you not plant delicate plants until Mother’s Day. Central Indiana can have snow as late as the third week of May. The birds are active at the feeders, I’ve had my cup of yoghurt and morning meds. So I’ll sit here, drink coffee and watch the as the sunrise chases the frost from the yard.    @awkward-yet-sweet I could eat black eyed peas as a side for every meal. Boil them plain or with fatback. Served as a leftover, just add in a little Rotel Original Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies.  Make the best of your day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋    
    • Mirrabooka
      I hope y'all look at this one. A catchy tune released at the end of Covid lockdown. Scarlett is so cute!!!     
    • Heather Shay
    • Mirrabooka
    • Mirrabooka
      Had a weird dream last night.
    • Mirrabooka
      Morning, y'all. Evening here; we had the regulation three mugs full today. Now it's time to drink something else.     No big plans here either, eldest daughter and granddaughter will be arriving on Saturday, and we will have our granddaughter to ourselves for a week after that. We still have plans though. Tuesday we'll go to the swim center, Wednesday we'll take a road trip to visit my mom, Thursday we'll get some mulch delivered to top up the gardens.   I still make other small plans on a daily basis though. The things I do plan nowadays, which is a bit new for me, is that after pinching a nerve and ending up in a bit of pain and getting some treatment from the physio, I am more motivated than ever to exercise more regularly. Tuesday for example, I went for a short (15 minute) early morning walk, went to the pool for some hydrotherapy, and mowed the lawns. Yesterday I did my exercise reps and spent some time on the exercise bike. Today, I went for a 45-minute walk, tomorrow I will do my reps again and go for a long bike ride. As long as I do at least one thing every day, right? The pleasing thing is that I'm losing weight! I blew out to above 95kg early in the year and I'm just under 91kg now. Yay me!
    • Heather Shay
      What one piece of advice would you give to beginning transitioners or considering transition?
    • Heather Shay
      Positive side of the mixed bag.
    • Heather Shay
      Boredom is an emotional state that comes when a person has nothing to do, and is not interested in anything. To stop boredom, most people do something to occupy or amuse themselves. The first known use of the word boredom is in the novel Bleak House by Charles Dickens, written in 1852, but the saying to be a bore had been used to mean "to be tiresome or dull" since 1768. When referring to the mind, boredom is a bad state in which the person feels a deep lack of interest in what is going on around them, and where it is hard to focus.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...