Denial or Reality?

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hey everyone,

I thought I'd post on here again.
Something I've been really struggling/confusing myself with is excuses/reasoning/denial/logic. I find myself making up reasons of why I'm not trans but why I am thinking the way I am (that maybe I'm non-binary or ftm, etc.) and it's practically impossible for me to tell if what I'm making up is what is actually happening (why I'm thinking these gender-y thoughts) or if it's just my brain making up excuses as a form of denial.

A few examples: I sometimes think I have just read too much stuff about being transgender and as a result have convinced myself I am (similar to NathanThePlatypuses post on how do you know if you're faking or not).
Maybe I just think I make a -crappy- girl so am trying to lean away from that and pretend I'm not even a girl.
Maybe I'm just attracted to cute guys so I imagine myself as one coz I don't see enough around (this ones a bit weird, I admit, and not a major recurring one..just occurred to me this morning in the shower).
Maybe I'm just a girl and the things that are making me question are just normal things or are not normal but I'm just an abnormal girl.

Idk. I'm finding it all quite confusing, but it's all mind games and I don't think I'll work it out properly for a while. I've had similar problems before with questioning whether I really have anxiety problems and stuff, and when I think about it I become unsure again ("maybe I'm just attention seeking") but if I don't think about it then I just accept it. So maybe I shouldn't think too much..but I want to work it out! :'( 

Another thing is I often don't have major problems with my body, which makes me think I'm not trans. I acknowledge that my body is pretty nice...for a girl..and if I could choose between male or female body I'm not sure what I would choose (coz I dont want male bottom parts). Writing this out makes me think maybe masculine non-binary or something, though I know I shouldn't be rushing with labels or anything (and I don't think that one is quite right anyway coz sometimes non-masc is good too).

I just wanna be a cute/hot-ish guy (without ALL the guy-related stuff)! 

Gosh, there's more to say about what's going on with me but it's not on this topic so I'll leave it for another post.

Just wanted to get this out,
I know none of you can tell me who I am.  Have any of you had similar thoughts? How did you get through them to the conclusion you have reached today (if you have gotten through them)?

SMILES!! 

(lol almost signed off with my actual name!)

-Alex

[Rayne]

Hey Alex, 

I'm new here and not much further along than you so no doubt others can give you better advice but I wanted to hail a fellow Aussie  oi oi oi and all that ridiculous stuff LOL

I used to have thoughts similar to yours a while back. Journalling made things clearer for me but I don't know why or if it would be helpful for anyone else. 

peace - Rayne

 

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hey Rayne,

lol yeah, gday mate  nice to meet another Aussie on here though! (everyone seems to be from the US ).

Journalling sounds like a good idea, even if it doesn't help, it can at least track change over time. Maybe I should start one. Did you write in yours at regular intervals (eg. daily) or just when you felt you needed to get something out?

Glad it helped you at least.

Stay chill- Alexx

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Alex,

This type of thinking is not uncommon when we are just starting out, and I'm not sure if they ever 100% go away. When I first admitted to myself that I was trans, I couldn't fully accept it. I searched articles and videos like crazy trying to find something that told me I was not trans. I never found it. I finally raised the white flag and surrendered to it.

What I learned was to slow down and come to a better understanding of myself at whatever pace it happened. Participating here at Laura's can help a lot. A gender therapist can also be very helpful, or a psychologist (preferably one with gender identity experiance). There is a wide gender spectrum, and guess and by gosh can be a difficult way to come to self understanding.

 

Good luck where ever your journey takes you.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Rayne]

yep, change over time - so it helped me notice that I had particular thoughts at particular times, which in all these many years of my life, i hadn't noticed. 

But also - I know this wouldn't apply to everyone - but I'm more used to being analytical in writing than just in my head. So if I  write I feel X, the next thought is automatically, why do I feel X? And i get an answer in terms of experience (empirical) then the next thought is theoretical (what does that mean, how does that relate to other things).

And at least for me, it made so many things obvious that previously weren't. My head is just emotion and reaction. I can only think  and remember in writing. So if that's you, then journalling is the thing imo

[Rayne]

Ha I just re-read that and it sounds like total waffle. It really did help me. I just can't convincingly explain why

[DrumbeatAlex]

Thanks Timber Wolf.  

Do you have any suggestions on how to slow things down? I'm trying not to rush but am still getting confused (and probably rushing a bit).
I made another post about therapists (I can't find any gender specific ones in my area), but perhaps just a normal psychologist would help? but I'm scared I'll be dismissed as unimportant or a wanna be. :/ 

 

Rayne, sometimes the best advice/emotions/thoughts sound very waffley. (they say in a waffley voice).   
I'm not sure my writing is quite so analytical as yours sounds but I do see things from a deeper perspective sometimes when I write stuff down, so I think I shall try your journalling idea. How often did you write in yours?
 

Thanks for responding both of you

[Guest cerise]

A gender therapist sounds like a place to start , as for many it's part of the flow of transition. They are not gate keepers (at least not in Canada) so it stil leaves the choices in your hands.

Try not to beat yourself up for being unsure as in most cases its normal. Other things to consider in the ftm transition are pattern baldness and shaving.

 

[DrumbeatAlex]

Thanks Cerise. Gender therapy may be a good idea but I don't know of any in my area. :/ 
True, important things to consider. I think I'd probably be okay with shaving..not so much baldness ;P some of these things are also bits of "male-ness" I dont like (lol wish I could pick and choose) ..I haven't really considered hormones as an option at this point, I'm still very new to all this so I'm just trying to work out how I feel first.  
I'll try not to beat myself up though  

 

 

More stuff relating to op:

I also feel like I've idealised what presenting masculinely would do for me. I keep thinking of myself as a friendly, more out-going guy. But at the moment I have anxiety problems and I've always had only a few friends. and on the one hand knowing myself better and being comfortable with myself and fully authentic may help a bit, but I think I need to acknowledge it's not a magical personality fix. So sometimes I think I don't actually want to be male etc. I just want the fresh start and confidence that I've associated with it.

[Guest cerise]

I have only recently started to transition and am still non op. I talked to transition doctor about minor bottom surgery (orch. as that is all I can afford time wise in recovery time and time off work) and she said that at one year I can elect to do that. I would think it would be at least another 6 months until it would happen and even with that I can back out if I want.

I am 60 and have had kids and so a lot of the things that are in front of you are behind me now. I, after all these years am coming to the decision that I am trans and being in the middle of the gender spectrum is who I am. Meaning Hrt and an orch will probably be enough for me to be comfortable in my skin finally.

[TexasLibraryLady]

Being unsure and having doubts is natural. It also isn't something that only happens at the beginning of this journey. I have my GCS in a couple months, and find thoughts popping into my head, despite that I know 100% this is right for me.

One great thing is that there are many options, and they are all perfectly valid. Perhaps you're genderqueer, or genderfluid, or nonbinary. Maybe you are ftm but will choose not to do hrt or surgeries. I have a friend that has lived happily as a man for many years with no medical transition. Nothing says you have to choose today, or that how you feel today won't change in the future.

[MarcieMarie12]

6 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

This type of thinking is not uncommon when we are just starting out, and I'm not sure if they ever 100% go away.

I would say this is true for me. I just have "tagged" some memories for when this happens. I'll give you some of things for me:

1. How depressed I got when in boy male going to work, when I was out everywhere but work.

2. When taking a shower and I see "it" (anymore this the major remaining source of dysphoria). OK, not a memory, but is something I will remember after the surgery when the doubts creep in.

3. How disconnected I was to my life compared to now. Especially after starting HRT. 

 

[VickySGV]

5 hours ago, DrumbeatAlex said:

I made another post about therapists (I can't find any gender specific ones in my area), but perhaps just a normal psychologist would help? but I'm scared I'll be dismissed as unimportant or a wanna be. :/ 

Every Gender Therapist started their professional life as a Garden Variety therapist and GT's have just had the luck of the draw to get clients with gender problems and to gain experience (the big issue) and expertise in working with us.  The GT may not have it on their shingle out front of the office, so in getting an appointment, ask simply if they feel comfortable in helping you and if they have had similar patients in the past.  I would stay clear of anyone with an overt church affiliation though.

One of the things that often confuses us and can make us try too hard to say to ourselves that we ARE NOT TRANS is the idea of flying against family and group expectations.  We feel that we need to choose ONE of two check off boxes on a piece of paper when we may actually need to check BOTH or NEITHER of the boxes, and then find a way to GET RID OF SHAME that we do not fit the single box our family and community insists that we mark off.  We actually need our own box labeled "FABULOUS" or "UNIQUE".  Choose that gender designation and try it on for a bit and see if it fits.  It just may well be that is where you are in life.  I am one of the oldest people here on this site and did not run out of questions on who I was until I was 60, then went through a few years of changing my box from male to female, but today, 9 years later, I tend to place myself over into Extraordinarily Fabulous as my best description of life and who I am.

[DrumbeatAlex]

It's good to know there is a lot of flexibility about decision making, Cerise. I hope things continue to go well for you and you end up where you want to be.

 

Thanks TexasLibraryLady, I'll try to keep you're words in mind when I'm feeling lost from all these questions.

 

Glad to know it's not just me, MarcieMarie. Hopefully, even if these thoughts don't go away fully, I'll at least get a bit more certain and find some more answers.

 

That's a good point Vicky. I'm currently thinking if I do decide to do therapy I'll go to this place which says it's an inclusive environment and ask if someone there has experience (they probs will). I did actually manage to find a gender therapy place when I had another look last night, but I would still feel more comfortable at this other (inclusive) place I think. Non-church affiliation is a good idea, I don't think either of these places are church affiliated but the gender specific one could (unlikely) be...I don't know much about it.
That second paragraph is a really good point and I think having a fabulous box instead sounds like a good idea.  I think you're right that a lot of this is subtle pressure from community and family etc., if it was just me on earth I would present how I wanted and call myself what I want (though I may still have some trouble accepting that first).

Thanks for the responses, ideas and inspiration everyone!!

[Cindy Truheart]

12 hours ago, VickySGV said:

We actually need our own box labeled "FABULOUS" or "UNIQUE".  Choose that gender designation and try it on for a bit and see if it fits.  It just may well be that is where you are in life.  I am one of the oldest people here on this site and did not run out of questions on who I was until I was 60, then went through a few years of changing my box from male to female, but today, 9 years later, I tend to place myself over into Extraordinarily Fabulous as my best description of life and who I am.

You know, I was having a hard time accepting once. I was able to accept that I was trans, but I couldn't accept that I could ACTUALLY be a woman one day. I thought that society wouldn't allow it, that I wouldn't be able to get a good job or have much of a social life. I was terrified of rejection because I was different. And then my therapist suggested that I am different, and what's so wrong with that? I thought about it, and the next time I saw her I told her my decision. She was right, I am different. I am so different that I'm like a step on the evolutionary ladder. Others can't understand me, because they aren't on that same level as me. I'm different, but that isn't a bad thing, because it makes me special. I decided that since trans are less than 1% of the population, I must be a rare and magical creature indeed! I'm a freaking Unicorn! So that is what I am! I'm a sparkly white magical creature with rainbow hued mane and tail prancing past a herd of dull brown horses who don't understand how dreary they are!

I told this story to a friend who is non binary, trans masculine. They decided that they are a red dragon.

Be who you were born to be Alex, because you are a rare and magical creature!

[Rayne]

Hey Alex, 

I write every morning, first thing, over coffee. That works for me because it's the time of day when my head is most clear - less full of day-to-day garbage and also alcohol  To start with it was really simple but over a year there have been times when things have connected together more. 

It's a bit weird because I've tried journalling before and it hasn't been helpful..... this last year the only difference I can see is that now my only goal is to be real. Nobody else will ever see it, and all I want from it is to notice me, absent other stuff, rather than me in comparison to X or me in the context of Y. 

Re your other comment about lack of services, I get that because I used to live in country WA where it would have been actually dangerous to go to a regular psychologist with gender issues and I'm in Melbourne now, which is a whole other world. Ideally though you still want a Medicare mental health plan in order to pay their fees, so I'm wondering if you'd be better focused on trying to find a LGBT friendly GP? If you can do that, chances are, he/she/they will know friendly psychologists in the area as well.

Rayne

[DrumbeatAlex]

8 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I told this story to a friend who is non binary, trans masculine. They decided that they are a red dragon.

Be who you were born to be Alex, because you are a rare and magical creature!

Red dragon sounds pretty cool!!  Reminds me of this "feminine" festival I went to recently (wasn't as dysphoria inducing/uncomfortable as I thought it might be coz there were no guys to be comparing myself to) where we thought about the "embodiment of our "feminine" and "masculine" sides"..my masculine side was a (potentially red?) fiery, energetic dragon.  

 

 

Thanks Rayne! I shall try journalling. My head is most clear in the mornings too, although I wonder if I will have nothing to write about as a result. Either way, I shall try writing in the mornings because as you say it will hopefully be a clearer image of ME rather than other stuff and comparisions.

I hadn't considered the exact way in which therapy payments and stuff would work.. Now that you mention it though I am thinking I could go to a normal GP and just get a mental health plan for depression/anxiety (which I struggle with) and then I only have to discuss the gender issues with my therapist..and if they don't know anything about gender I could ask if they know anyone who could help. Do you think this is a reasonable plan? I'm not even sure I'll go to a therapist just yet,..just thinking ahead if things keep going or get worse. Finding a gender friendly GP could be good but I'm not sure how I would go about that either, could be harder than finding a gender therapist.  

[Guest cerise]

You reminded me about the journaling, which I did fare amount of around 8 years ago. It was great but I destroyed the pages for my safety, and peace of mind. They had done their job and it was time to move on.

 

[Cindy Truheart]

4 hours ago, cerise said:

You reminded me about the journaling, which I did fare amount of around 8 years ago. It was great but I destroyed the pages for my safety, and peace of mind. They had done their job and it was time to move on.

 

I started a journal when I was thirteen and kept with it until I was eighteen. I used code to write about how I felt like a girl inside because I was afraid it would be found and my parents would lose their minds. I found it one day years later when I picked up the last of my things from my parents house when I was about twenty four. I burned it. At the time I couldn't explain why I did it, I was in the midst of hardcore repression and denial. I kind of wish I hadn't done that, I may have been able to piece together some more memories from the tattered remnants of my mind.

[Rayne]

Alex, yeah that sounds like a good plan. The only thing is you'd need to make your inquiries to the therapist about whether they have experience in gender issues before you actually see them. Otherwise you've used up one of your six sessions for nothing (if they're not). My GP actually put anxiety on the referral because they have to make an official diagnosis, so he was like, 'you can have anxiety or depression, which would you prefer?' He said the process is insulting to you, me and the psychologist but this is what the govt's decided we should do so we go along with it. 

Cindy I think that might be why it's never worked for me before. I've never had privacy... and I've always kind of lived in a mode that assumes others are watching, even if they're not. I like your sig quote btw.

Rayne

[DrumbeatAlex]

I'll need to keep my journal somewhere super secret I guess then. :/ People snooping round my stuff is a definite possibility.
It's interesting to hear that many of you have kept journals.
Maybe journalling wont work for me since I don't trust people not to find it..but if I make an extra effort I may be able to write what I want. I'll give it a try anyway..  

That's a good point Rayne. Don't want to waste a session...I'm sure I could ask before the first session somehow..an email would probably do it.  

 

[DrumbeatAlex]

How do blogs work on this site? (is that how people update their life progression without making a specific post?). Is it possible to start a private blog as my journal? (I see that you can make it so its only seen by specific members..) I think that would work well and stop me worrying about my family finding it.

[MarcieMarie12]

I've never used that feature, but I am out to everyone that knew me. You could just post and I think that blog would be limited to moderators (not sure if we would but since we have to approve posts even blogs I am pretty sure we can) and whoever else you gave permission to see it. 

[SugarMagnolia]

There are also a number of online journal/diary sites that are free and allow you to set up whatever access permissions you like. 

I'm using Penzu right now and it's been great.i like being able to access it wherever I am (as long as I have internet access). 

It's not quite as intimate as a personal journal, but maybe it could address some of your concerns?

[DrumbeatAlex]

Mm I could just post Marcie but I think I want my journal to be a bit more private than that..even private from the moderators maybe, so perhaps I shalln't journal in the blogs section.

 

Thats a good suggestion SugarMagnolia! I hadn't considered that there could be online journal places. I'll check out Penzu.  Yeah, i find hand written journals in general more intimate coz I find they make a better connection because of the hand writing for me..at least when I'm reading it back later...but that comes with risks of people finding it. :/ 
Thanks for the suggestion though! Very helpful.