Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Missing for a while, but still here!

Guest Eve Caillard

Recommended Posts

Guest Eve Caillard

Hi Girls

I have not posted on this forum for a while, but I am still around.

Last December I retired from my working life. I envisaged a future full of cross-dressing, plus the fulfilment of a few other "interests".
(See my personal interests column and work on from there...)

Well, it turned out not to be.

Although my wife knows my cross-dressing history, she is not amicable to it. Score -1 on that.

Our 18+ kids do not know about it.

And what I have found since I retired is that our home life is far more 'fluid' than I realised.
My only snatches of CD are when I carry my trousers around with me when I wore a skirt.

It is so frustrating. I want to be my true self, but the family prevents me.

One solution would be to "come out" to our kids. Our daughter, who is 21, would be the most amenable.
She has a gay friend, and another who is FTM transitioning. For her it is "totally normal".
Our son - well, I have no idea. But I get the impression he is defined by his "male" father even though he is most unusual for a 19 -year-old teenage boy in that he loves to hug, and tells me he loves me every day. (I see the feminine nature inside him that I have).

So, here I am. Rather stuck, snatching hours of cross-dressing when I can and frightened of discovery.

I do "under-dress" all the time, now. So that's a help.

So, OK, I have been missing off the forum for a while. It's been a difficult time. Regardless, you girls are my inspiration! Please keep up your inspirational posts...

I am still around and wish you all the best!



Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Eve and welcome back.  It certainly sounds as if its time to tell your children as they are adults now.  I would imagine your son will be accepting as well since he seems from your description to be a caring person. 

Time to get back in to the conversation!


Link to post
Guest Eve Caillard

Yes, Jani. I'm beginning to think that myself. Coming out to my children (young adults) would be a weight off my mind and free me to relax in how I dress and present around our home.

But I don't think I am ready, or have enough courage, to do this...!

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Eve it is amazing how the right amount of courage is alway summoned when needed.  It's in you.  Its always has been.  We just never know how deep the reserve is.  I've never run out and I've had a life that's required a ton!  

You may actually find it is a total non issue with your children.  The question I would be asking myself is whether to do it individually or all at once.  Since you believe your daughter would be easily on board, she might provide enough positivity for your son too.  Obviously you would follow up with each separately to gauge their state of mind about the news. 

Tell your wife, then do it.


Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

I'll be thinking of you.  Let us know how it goes. 


Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Eve i don't know if you are seeing a gender therapist but when i discussed my issues with my wife she was the one who said i should go.  I had read about them here and was happy to have the opportunity to discuss issues with a person who was not judgmental.  My therapist helped me in the process of coming out to my family as well as being myself with my wife.  If necessary your children can attend with you at some point.  It might help both you and the family.





Link to post
Guest Eve Caillard

Thanks Charlize

Gender Therapist? I am not sure we have these in the UK. (I just looked it up - there are one or two mentioned in the UK but not a lot, and most treat it as a "problem" rather than support.) The system here is very obscure, I would need to talk to my General Practitioner (GP) first to be referred into "the system" (I get 10 minutes with the GP - as you can imagine, not a good start).

My past experiences with the counselling side of UK healthcare is (to put it very mildly) bitterly disappointing. I don't think I can tolerate another bout of it right now.

Anyway, since my earlier conversation with Jani, I've decided to put any coming out on hold. It felt good 24 hours ago. However, after some thinking about it, I decided it has a potential for a lot of disasters that, quite frankly, are not worth the hassle.  Yes, I feel bottled up and frustrated, but my family are important to me and I don't want to damage what we have by being selfish.

Thank you for your advice! Much appreciated.




Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Eve

I had a very slow start with my son, but it came Ok  in the end. Luckily his (now) wife was very open and compliments me on some of my feminine attire.

There is an NHS system (as you may know).


Apparently progress is very slow, with the usual waiting times etc, but someone else here who had been referred through to a clinic  did get a prompt answer and date (not next day though :() when they enquired as to progress.



Link to post
Guest AshleighP

Hi Eve, and welcome back! I took a bit of a hiatus myself a short while ago. Like you, I missed the support and encouragement found with like minded people on this forum. It is good to be back.

you and I share many of the same struggles regarding spouses who know about, yet don't accept our need to cross dress. Stealing a few minutes or hours here and there is the best I can hope for at this time. Underdressing daily helps.

i have also recently come out to a coworker which has been extremely beneficial for my mental health. She and I have many discussions about fashion, makeup, and other topics that are not safe to discuss with my spouse. This site is very helpful, but having a real live person to confide in face to face is amazing.

i know you will make the right decision about coming out to your family, when the time is right.

Link to post
  • 3 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 76 Guests (See full list)

    • HaraSurya
    • Mya042
    • KatieP
    • Petra Jane
    • MomTGDaughter
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. ChristinaAnne
      (37 years old)
    2. Erikka
      (71 years old)
    3. Guiseppe_Tartini
      (32 years old)
  • Posts

    • HaraSurya
      I've felt the same way myself. I'm learning that I'm probably bigender and have presented online as an androgynous woman for years. I'm not sure if I'd want to transition, or the the extent I'd want to, but I simply don't identify with the frilly, pretty girl-girl type. Dresses don't appeal to me, nor wearing makeup, and while I'm growing my hair out it's as much to do with hiding male-pattern baldness as it is to look more feminine.
    • Susan R
      @Ellie Jean Wow, that is an incredible sign from somewhere! What an interesting story though. The odds of this type of event occurring twice is inconceivable. I agree...this was meant to happen and play out just as it did for you. Just one variable off and you might have missed the entire meeting or missed putting all the pieces together. It’s a crazy world!   I congratulate you in advance for your upcoming date with destiny! I had a few smaller coincidences and key events like this happen to me along my journey that helped me know I was on the right track too. I’m glad you have found your path and I wish you the very best. If you can, keep us posted as to your progress and changes. Becoming your true self is so freeing and many here will appreciate reading about your upcoming journey of transition.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      Hi Colin, Nice to meet you and nice to have you onboard here on our forum. You’ve already come a long way in being open to the idea that you may be much more than what meets the eye. It took me 56 years to finally figure out who I was and at least a year to finally accept what I learned. When I look back at my search for the truth of who I was...I remember it as a very exciting time. You have found a safe place to explore yourself, ask questions, compare notes with others like youself, and hopefully, in time, come to some conclusion about who you are. Look around the site and join in the conversation when you feel the need. We are here to help you any way we can!   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Red_Lauren.
      I didn't even have it bookmarked. I moved on the night I posted what I said here. 
    • Vanessa Michelle
      I'm sad to see CBabe go, especially under such circumstances. I personally think we have a great group of people here and also we get out of it what we put into it. I know I sure have. I try to sow good and love into all who join and all I interact with on the forums and expect it to come back on me, and it does. I am grateful for each of you whether we have talked or not. I love reading about your lives and journeys, your joys and sorrows and lifting you up in prayer when I read that life isn't being to kind. I am newer to my identity than most here, but I am always here to pray for you and tell you someone cares for you and wants the best for you. Bless you all. You enrich my life every time I log on. ❤️
    • Ellie Jean
      Something truly amazing happened last week. Long story short, I received a trippy sign from the Universe that I'm on the right track, and I'm now significantly less afraid of starting HRT, hopefully on the 28th, just a few days away. ...Now...here's the long story not-so-short lol: It all started many months ago. I had made a friend on Fetlife who was also transgender, and we shared the same kink: We both enjoy regressing to the age of infancy, complete with binkies, bottles, baby shows and diapers lol. All my life I've question WHY I'm an "Adult Baby/Little" and had never really found any kind of answer until a couple of years ago when the dots finally started connecting in my head: Babies don't have any body or facial hair, babies don't appear to have gender, (without looking in the obvious place anyway lol), and babies appear to have an asexual stump/mound between their legs due to being diapered most of the time; the diaper which also makes babies bottoms look rounder. And suddenly it hit me: My sexist male toddler/little kid autism brain confused age with gender because I was taught by my narcissistic sociopath of a father that "girls are babyish." ...So all these years, I've felt the urge to regress back to the carefree time of babyhood because I wanted to be a girl.  Now that THAT'S outta the way, lol, fast forward about a year to the middle of 2020, give or take a month or two. I meet Emily for the first time; a fellow transwoman, as well as a fellow adult baby. She was going through a pretty hard time, as she is deeply closeted with her family about the two biggest aspects of personality. Consequently, she struggles with severe anxiety and depression, so I felt she really needed a friend that understood. (I used to be deeply closeted, but I "came out of the nursery" to my parents as a teenager because I couldn't handle the stress that comes with a burdening secret. I also came out to my mom, aunt, uncle, and friends about being transgender towards the start of this year, sooo yeah, I have some experience with confronting fears that are far larger in the imagination than they are in reality lol.) Emily and I continued chatting off and on and emotionally supporting one another for months; occasionally trying to set up a time to meet seeing as we live in the same town, but our schedules didn't really line up right until last week, when we FINALLY got around to meeting up for milkshakes at a little cafe. She's 6 months into transition, but is still presenting as a boy in public it would seem, (she has a bust, but covers it up with baggy clothes). We talked for about an hour before starting to walk back to my mom's place, because my mom is all we had for wheels to get back to Emily's place lol, (Mom gave us a ride from Emily's place to the cafe.) While walking to my mom's place, Emily and I continued getting better acquainted with one another; we were both kinda tripping out over how much we had in common; both the same height, about the same weight, same pale skin, both with long hair, not even to mention the big similarities between our gender identities and ageplay kink lol. Later on in the walk, Emily was talking about her family and remarked that her mother's last name was Boothman and she grew up in Libby, Montana. "Omg!" I exclaimed conversationally, "My mother's last name used to be Boothman too when she lived in Libby," I continued, not thinking much of it, "she was married to Bob Boothman like 50 years ago lol." Emily also seemed amused by the coincidence...but in retrospect, I think she figured things out faster than I did and just didn't say anything until we got to my mom's house. Emily then had some questions for mom lol. Apparently Bob had a lot of brothers and sisters; one of them named Rocky. Emily then asked tentatively, "...How tall was Rocky?" And mom said, "Like SEVEN FEET tall!" Emily kinda freaked out then; my brain's gears had also started churning and my jaw was about to finish dropping. My MOM is the Great Aunt of EMILY'S mom; Pam, who my mom knew as a baby when she was called Pamela; a baby with cerebral palsy, and Emily's mother ALSO has cerbral palsy, and that's how all the dots got connected: Emily and I are cousins. Born THOUSANDS of miles apart from each other. (I was born and raised in Alaska; I've only lived in Montana a few years now.) We then both started freaking out; me in a GOOD way, Emily....not-so-much. ...I later learned by accident that she was hoping to get laid when we first met, BEFORE finding out we were literally FAMILY. But now she thinks it's SUPER cool that we're cousins, and the ASTRONOMICAL odds of it all...the mathematics are truly boggling my mind still... ANYWAY...I took all that to be a sign from the Universe that I'm on the right path, there's nothing to fear, everything that has happened or that will happen was meant to happen. It's like, KISMET, or serendipity or fate or whatever lol. Oh, and my therapist who has never met Emily just happened to direct me to the EXACT same HRT specialist that Emily is seeing, because none of the others in the Flathead Valley accept medicaid, (or they aren't as sensitive or understanding). Just another one of the MANY super astronomical coincidences that Emily and I have in common lol. So yep...I gotta date with destiny in a few days, and after everything that's happened, I think a lot of my fear has kinda vanished. I'm still a little nervous of course, but there's no longer any doubt in my mind that I really am trans, this isn't a mistake, or just some kind of phase I'll grow out of; these feelings have been a part of me all my life and it's time to make things right. ...It's literally in my blood lol.
    • Cheyenne skye
      @Red_Lauren.I know which forum that is from your screen shot. I started my journey on that forum but soon realized it really wasn't for me. I haven't been on there in very long time. Just remove that bookmark from your browser and move on.
    • Red_Lauren.
      Ive been around the internet for a while now. There is bad and good sites for every thing. You can typically tell how bad it is if the forum is full of banned members.    I usually avoid trans related stuff. I've learned a lot of it is full of hatred, or nothing good at all. With the uprising of the trans movement. It seems like now unless you started at 15 yeas old, and didn't have mommy, daddy, or some one else pay for you're operations, and care. You are viewed 180 of what a trans person is. Same can be said for these famous trans people. Just because they are rich, and can afford operation's now. Don't mean I can or want the same operation's.     
    • Susan R
      Hello @Sarahtoraven, A pleasure to meet you. It’s always nice to see those two sentences together. Too often that is not the case. Your journey should be much smoother having an ally in your spouse. I’m looking forward to reading good things about your transition to womanhood. I wish you the very best!   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷 
    • Cheyenne skye
      So I've been needing to get some electrolysis to finish clearing my face. I had laser done before the pandemic and it worked well except on the gray hair. My question is how can you still get electrolysis on your face with all the mask mandates and distancing protocols? Obviously I need to call around, but those of you who are still getting it done, what safety measures do they have in place to keep them and me safe?
    • Mx.Drago
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @HaraSuryaWelcome!!! Thanks for joining us!! I feel ya, I once upon a time joked I was a "lesbian in a man's body" and now in my mid 40's would say I am a woman in a man's body who's attracted to all (pan). Funny how we have more clarity once we accept ourselves for who we truly are! Bigender is also a thing, if you feel you are both. I always keep that on the table for myself too 😉. Thanks for sharing your story! I look forward to your posts and getting to know you more!! ❤️
    • magical realism
      Exactly. =]
    • magical realism
      When i first heard arch enemy's cover of aces high,i imiediately had to go and get the original album. Probably one of my favourite metal songs ever.
    • Vanessa Michelle
      I know what you mean. It's nice to have a place to go even if it's only online where you can meet more people who might think like you and have been through something similar to draw strength from, and to meet new friends! ❤️
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...