Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

New introspective thoughts


Notsure2015

Recommended Posts

So this is my first update in a couple of months and I have really been stressed out. So far my Mom is doing well in her treatments and we are really positive that she will beat cancer again. The last two years I have been trying to figure out my feelings about who I am, why I cross dress, if there are more to my feelings (maybe I am trans gendered) and trying to understand why I am failing at suppressing my urges to cross dress. I have recently decided to take an honest introspective look at myself before I come out to at least one person I can trust or see a GT. Ive listed my feelings and why I feel this way or how I feel about my situation. It all feels very catch 22 like, its an unending cycle of unhappiness.

 

1. I am depressed

I am depressed because I am lonely. I long for a relationship with a girl, but I have not been very successful with women and relationships. I seem to fall in love with any girl who is nice to me but never seem to find those feelings reciprocated. I am afraid to try to start a new relationship because I feel I must disclose to them that I am a cross dresser but I am afraid that if I find a girl that she will no accept me for this, she will tell people and then people will think less of me as a man. Im afraid because I don't want to hide this secret and I don't know when I feel that I could trust her to keep my secret. I do like to cross dress but I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself.

 

2. I am afraid

Im afraid thinking I maybe a transgendered female. I am afraid that if I truly am I will be letting my family down and that if I continue to hide from my feelings I will never be happy. Im afraid if I am transgender and I do decide to transition that I will not find a girlfriend who would love me for who I am. I am afraid that if I push myself to under dress, to fully explore how I feel when I am under dressing, that I will realize that I am transgender, I am afraid if I try to explore my feelings by trying to present as a girl in public and I find out that its not the life I want that people will think less of me as a man. Im afraid of how awkward I feel as a man who loves women. I don’t think I have ever felt like a man, but I like doing manly things, but I just never felt like a man. I am afraid because I feel awkward during sex with a women, I love it and its the most amazing feeling in the world but I feel awkward and uncomfortable with my own naked body.  I am afraid because I am not normal. I am afraid I'll never be happy.

 

3 I am stressed out

I am stressed out because I am lonely and depressed. I work 7 days a week to keep my mind from wallowing in my loneliness, and not having anyone to spend my free time with. I think that stress may be triggering my urges to cross dress much sooner than usual. I can usually hold my urges for a few months until the dreams of cross dressing (some times as male, sometimes as myself being a female) and I have to dress to clear my mind. Im stressed because I want to be a normal man but these urges to cross dress, and my awkwardness with my own body make me feel like my mind is telling me Im something else deeper down and I am afraid to confront it. 

 

I know this is all seems really repetitive and I need to find someone I am really close with and trust (outside of my family) to share my secret. I think I need just a little more time to understand where this is going, to look even deeper than this at my feelings. I think I am going to develop a plan, to force myself to explore my feelings before I share my secret with a close friend. I feel that I have made a lot of progress today and feel like I understand myself just a fraction more than I did over the last few months.

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi.  There's a lot to unpack here.  You say its been awhile since your last update but this is a first post so you must have been caught up in the account (over)purge.  Anyway, welcome back.  

 

1 hour ago, Notsure2015 said:

I have recently decided to take an honest introspective look at myself before I come out to at least one person I can trust or see a GT.

This is good, to take an honest look at oneself in trying to understand what's going on in your life.  I would seriously consider engaging a GT first, even before coming out to a trusted person. 

 

As you've probably read, a therapist is not going to provide you an answer as to why you cross dress or if you are transgender; but they will help you by asking questions.  Your answers will help focus your thoughts and will guide you in finding a direction you will be comfortable with.  You will have determined this on your own.  I'm sorry if I've made this sounds harder than it actually is.

 

A good therapist is worth the effort because if you knew the right questions, you would have taken action by now.  I know I waited too late to seek assistance, but it was the best decision I made to help me move forward.    

 

Depression and fear are common traits for the very reasons you list.  And this is certainly enough to stress someone out.  The guilt and disgust is also common.  You need to break the repetitive cycle of feeling bad about what you're doing and about yourself.  It's not healthy.  

 

I'm glad you're back.  

Jani

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Thank you so much for your advice, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I am seriously considering your advice about seeking assistance before coming out. It seems like the next logical step, I’ve shared my feelings off and on anonymously for over two years and been researching this site before joining for maybe another two years. I heard a quote in a podcast today and I felt it really describes my problem “The treasure you seek is in the cave you don’t want to go”. I think I’m most afraid of being different, life being harder, not being accepted, not being happy, or making a decision I’ll regret. I do know that you are steering me in the right direction and I thank you so much for your help. I think I need to force myself to explore that cave, and find who I am deep down. 

Link to comment

I’ve been doing some deeper thinking about my feelings and I have decided not to stand in the same place and ask questions. I am going to take a step forward and be brave and explore where my inner feelings are taking me. I am forcing myself to face my fears, and confront myself and the disgust. I have purged all my male underwear, forcing myself to under dress from here on out. I feel that if I can get comfortable and get over the fear of dressing the way I want it will help me find out who I am and if I want to go farther. I think I will try to get in contact with a gt shortly after. This is the first step towards expressing my inner self. 

Link to comment
Guest Rachel Gia

In some ways , you are telling my story ang I understand your feelings but cross dressing is something that one should not feel ashamed of. The shame could be considered cultural as in other cultures it is accepted.

i like your quote and I usually say that unhealthy fear shines the light on the doors we should be opening.

Crossdressing is a huge industry in North America so that says it's common.

I think the last time I checked it accounted for 5 billion a year and that was a decade ago. That's money that taxes were collected on .

In the process of coming out I have found that if I am comfortable with who I am , other people will be comfortable with me and now when I dress in all men's clothing ( which is occasional) I consider that caressing in drag.

Much Love 

Rachel

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 1/5/2018 at 11:37 PM, Notsure2015 said:

I think I’m most afraid of being different, life being harder, not being accepted, not being happy, or making a decision I’ll regret.

Well this the pointy end of the problem for all of us that we are afraid of confronting.  But as Rachel says, 

 

On 1/6/2018 at 7:54 AM, Rachel Gia said:

In the process of coming out I have found that if I am comfortable with who I am , other people will be comfortable with me

Coming out is a difficult decision to make because of all the intertwined elements of life.  But by moving slowly and deliberately and being comfortable with our choices we mitigate risk of failure.  And remember other people not recognizing us is not our failure, its theirs.  

 

Earlier you said you were stressed out.  I hope that it has calmed down somewhat after you've given it some thought.  

 

Peace to you, 

Jani 

Link to comment

It is good that you are taking some time to take an honest look at yourself before coming out to a trusted friend or GT. The good thing about going to a GT is the fact they can help you figure out where you may fit into the Trans community and help you come to acceptance of who you are. Not to mention everything is confidential. Don't be afraid of going to a GT. It doesn't mean you have to transition or start hormones. They are just helping you find out who you are and what your options are for moving forward. With friends, you are not necessarily going to get that help or confidentiality from them that you are looking for. And what if you tell them and they can't accept it. You said you are scared, depressed, stressed out, and confused already. A GT is schooled and understands how to deal with fear, depression, coping skills, and making sense out of all the feelings you are having. Just something for you to think about when trying to come to your decision of what next step to take. Try to relax in everything you are feeling and going through. Finding yourself not only takes honesty with yourself, it takes time.

 

Huggsss!!!

Katrina

Link to comment
  • 6 months later...

I Am So Much More Relaxed, Now That I Wear My Bras and Panties All The Time !

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 114 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Chloe Summer
    • Shirleysmith
    • Carolyn Marie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...