New introspective thoughts

[Notsure2015]

So this is my first update in a couple of months and I have really been stressed out. So far my Mom is doing well in her treatments and we are really positive that she will beat cancer again. The last two years I have been trying to figure out my feelings about who I am, why I cross dress, if there are more to my feelings (maybe I am trans gendered) and trying to understand why I am failing at suppressing my urges to cross dress. I have recently decided to take an honest introspective look at myself before I come out to at least one person I can trust or see a GT. Ive listed my feelings and why I feel this way or how I feel about my situation. It all feels very catch 22 like, its an unending cycle of unhappiness.

 

1. I am depressed

I am depressed because I am lonely. I long for a relationship with a girl, but I have not been very successful with women and relationships. I seem to fall in love with any girl who is nice to me but never seem to find those feelings reciprocated. I am afraid to try to start a new relationship because I feel I must disclose to them that I am a cross dresser but I am afraid that if I find a girl that she will no accept me for this, she will tell people and then people will think less of me as a man. Im afraid because I don't want to hide this secret and I don't know when I feel that I could trust her to keep my secret. I do like to cross dress but I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself.

 

2. I am afraid

Im afraid thinking I maybe a transgendered female. I am afraid that if I truly am I will be letting my family down and that if I continue to hide from my feelings I will never be happy. Im afraid if I am transgender and I do decide to transition that I will not find a girlfriend who would love me for who I am. I am afraid that if I push myself to under dress, to fully explore how I feel when I am under dressing, that I will realize that I am transgender, I am afraid if I try to explore my feelings by trying to present as a girl in public and I find out that its not the life I want that people will think less of me as a man. Im afraid of how awkward I feel as a man who loves women. I don’t think I have ever felt like a man, but I like doing manly things, but I just never felt like a man. I am afraid because I feel awkward during sex with a women, I love it and its the most amazing feeling in the world but I feel awkward and uncomfortable with my own naked body.  I am afraid because I am not normal. I am afraid I'll never be happy.

 

3 I am stressed out

I am stressed out because I am lonely and depressed. I work 7 days a week to keep my mind from wallowing in my loneliness, and not having anyone to spend my free time with. I think that stress may be triggering my urges to cross dress much sooner than usual. I can usually hold my urges for a few months until the dreams of cross dressing (some times as male, sometimes as myself being a female) and I have to dress to clear my mind. Im stressed because I want to be a normal man but these urges to cross dress, and my awkwardness with my own body make me feel like my mind is telling me Im something else deeper down and I am afraid to confront it. 

 

I know this is all seems really repetitive and I need to find someone I am really close with and trust (outside of my family) to share my secret. I think I need just a little more time to understand where this is going, to look even deeper than this at my feelings. I think I am going to develop a plan, to force myself to explore my feelings before I share my secret with a close friend. I feel that I have made a lot of progress today and feel like I understand myself just a fraction more than I did over the last few months.

 

 

 

[Jani]

Hi.  There's a lot to unpack here.  You say its been awhile since your last update but this is a first post so you must have been caught up in the account (over)purge.  Anyway, welcome back.  

 

1 hour ago, Notsure2015 said:

I have recently decided to take an honest introspective look at myself before I come out to at least one person I can trust or see a GT.

This is good, to take an honest look at oneself in trying to understand what's going on in your life.  I would seriously consider engaging a GT first, even before coming out to a trusted person. 

 

As you've probably read, a therapist is not going to provide you an answer as to why you cross dress or if you are transgender; but they will help you by asking questions.  Your answers will help focus your thoughts and will guide you in finding a direction you will be comfortable with.  You will have determined this on your own.  I'm sorry if I've made this sounds harder than it actually is.

 

A good therapist is worth the effort because if you knew the right questions, you would have taken action by now.  I know I waited too late to seek assistance, but it was the best decision I made to help me move forward.    

 

Depression and fear are common traits for the very reasons you list.  And this is certainly enough to stress someone out.  The guilt and disgust is also common.  You need to break the repetitive cycle of feeling bad about what you're doing and about yourself.  It's not healthy.  

 

I'm glad you're back.  

Jani

[Notsure2015]

Thank you so much for your advice, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I am seriously considering your advice about seeking assistance before coming out. It seems like the next logical step, I’ve shared my feelings off and on anonymously for over two years and been researching this site before joining for maybe another two years. I heard a quote in a podcast today and I felt it really describes my problem “The treasure you seek is in the cave you don’t want to go”. I think I’m most afraid of being different, life being harder, not being accepted, not being happy, or making a decision I’ll regret. I do know that you are steering me in the right direction and I thank you so much for your help. I think I need to force myself to explore that cave, and find who I am deep down. 

[Notsure2015]

I’ve been doing some deeper thinking about my feelings and I have decided not to stand in the same place and ask questions. I am going to take a step forward and be brave and explore where my inner feelings are taking me. I am forcing myself to face my fears, and confront myself and the disgust. I have purged all my male underwear, forcing myself to under dress from here on out. I feel that if I can get comfortable and get over the fear of dressing the way I want it will help me find out who I am and if I want to go farther. I think I will try to get in contact with a gt shortly after. This is the first step towards expressing my inner self. 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

In some ways , you are telling my story ang I understand your feelings but cross dressing is something that one should not feel ashamed of. The shame could be considered cultural as in other cultures it is accepted.

i like your quote and I usually say that unhealthy fear shines the light on the doors we should be opening.

Crossdressing is a huge industry in North America so that says it's common.

I think the last time I checked it accounted for 5 billion a year and that was a decade ago. That's money that taxes were collected on .

In the process of coming out I have found that if I am comfortable with who I am , other people will be comfortable with me and now when I dress in all men's clothing ( which is occasional) I consider that caressing in drag.

Much Love 

Rachel

 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Spell check is frustrating ...

"dressing in drag"

[Jani]

On 1/5/2018 at 11:37 PM, Notsure2015 said:

I think I’m most afraid of being different, life being harder, not being accepted, not being happy, or making a decision I’ll regret.

Well this the pointy end of the problem for all of us that we are afraid of confronting.  But as Rachel says, 

 

On 1/6/2018 at 7:54 AM, Rachel Gia said:

In the process of coming out I have found that if I am comfortable with who I am , other people will be comfortable with me

Coming out is a difficult decision to make because of all the intertwined elements of life.  But by moving slowly and deliberately and being comfortable with our choices we mitigate risk of failure.  And remember other people not recognizing us is not our failure, its theirs.  

 

Earlier you said you were stressed out.  I hope that it has calmed down somewhat after you've given it some thought.  

 

Peace to you, 

Jani 

[KatrinaReann]

It is good that you are taking some time to take an honest look at yourself before coming out to a trusted friend or GT. The good thing about going to a GT is the fact they can help you figure out where you may fit into the Trans community and help you come to acceptance of who you are. Not to mention everything is confidential. Don't be afraid of going to a GT. It doesn't mean you have to transition or start hormones. They are just helping you find out who you are and what your options are for moving forward. With friends, you are not necessarily going to get that help or confidentiality from them that you are looking for. And what if you tell them and they can't accept it. You said you are scared, depressed, stressed out, and confused already. A GT is schooled and understands how to deal with fear, depression, coping skills, and making sense out of all the feelings you are having. Just something for you to think about when trying to come to your decision of what next step to take. Try to relax in everything you are feeling and going through. Finding yourself not only takes honesty with yourself, it takes time.

 

Huggsss!!!

Katrina

[PaulaPlaytex]

I Am So Much More Relaxed, Now That I Wear My Bras and Panties All The Time !