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Relationships are tough


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When my friend and I went out for a movie that ended up in an accidental exposure of Katelyn to some people out and about, my girlfriend was working a promotion job in the opposite direction. 


We don't live together yet, and this has been something I have been holding back purposely as we have a lot to work out before we do such things. She lives with her mother in a flat they rent and I live in a little granny flat in the back of my parents yard. 


Now, I decided to go out en fem for the first time ever and then got in an accident. When I got back, she was there to visit for the weekend, but was so upset with me for going out dressed up. She was so worried that people would see me and relate my alter ego to her. She was ashamed of me and what I might do to her image. I had to drag this out of her over the course of two days because she wouldn't properly talk to me. 


Last night she suddenly decided to ask me, in a mumbling voice, if I don't want to move into her because if Katelyn. I told her that it's not a reason for me to not move in with her but as we are now I am sure it would be reason for us to not last long as a couple. 


It felt like she was trying to blame the problems we have on Katelyn. It would be an easy scapegoat to someone who doesn't experience it I'm sure. Just point at the odd thing out and say "that's why we have problems" but I don't agree. Nor is it fair. 


Some time ago she tried to be accepting and helpful, she bought me makeup brushes and helped me learn to apply makeup. We went clothing shopping together, even though she used to get annoyed quite quickly if we didn't look for her more. But it feels like that is all gone and replaced by shame and discomfort and an impending argument at every turn. 


I have decided to not get dressed in front of her since before I shelved my female attire about a year ago, but now it seems like she would try to make me stop all together. 


I get that it must be strange for her though. I just feel kinda hopeless. I love her and I try to make things work but it feels like we are at odds here. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Katelyn,

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend is stressed out. You are right, relationships can be tough. What you choose to do is up to you of course. But if we live a lie for the purpose of a relationship, then that relationship becomes kind of a lie. We can swear to set aside the girl and really try to keep her caged. But eventually she will break out. Tough choices may be ahead for both of you. Given time she may come to realise that Katelyn is an integral part of who you are. I hope she does.


Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Hi Timber Wolf, 


Indeed, I've thought of it much the same way. Sadly my regular psychiatrist was unable to advise me on such matters and I haven't been able to find a gender therapist around here that could help set this issue straight or help figure it out. So I'm left to my own devices. 


While I don't know if I'd go as far as to attempt to transition, I know I can't keep my fem side caged forever either. 


We are now arguing over all sorts of things, children, marriage, moving in together, finances, opinions, family. It's like Friday opened the door to all sorts of demons. 


What fun. 

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  • Admin

As hard as it may be to hear, it could be a good thing that these issues are coming up now rather than after you start living together.  It's important that you realize you can't keep your fem side, whatever that means to you, locked away forever.  Katelyn is an important part of who you are, and you deserve to be with someone who loves you enough to realize and accept that. 

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4 hours ago, Katelyn said:

While I don't know if I'd go as far as to attempt to transition, I know I can't keep my fem side caged forever either. 



I tried repressing this my entire life. I could not. By the time I figured this out, I had gotten married (which part of me thought would make the feelings go away). 3 years into my marriage I was depressed, and very despondent. The only joy came about when I started cross dressing again. In the interest of being honest with my wife I told her. It did not go well. She could not stay married to me if I transitioned. I looked for a happy medium, but in the end I knew I had to transition. If I did not, I would be depressed and despondent for the rest of my life, and resentful of her for making feel that. To me that was no way to stay married. So I began transitioning, and we later divorced. In retrospect, there many things wrong in our marriage, and my coming out as transgender just made all that come to the surface that much quicker.

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I can in a way relate to that. We have a lot of good in our relationship but somehow I've been feeling like we are each other's worst matches. She always seems down in the dumps and drained when around me, though she has convinced herself she can't go without me. She's bored and annoyed and easily upset. I am tired and irritable, and the depression doesn't help either. 


We want very different things from life and sadly, while she knows what she wants going forward, I just know what I do not want, and they seem to be the same things more often than not. Even with compromise there's just too much. 


The obvious problem is the emotions. Logically I can almost certainly say this relationship is wither doomed or bad for the both of us but... Well we still love each other. I can't imagine being friends after all this though. 


While I can't expect anyone to tell me what to do or for there to be a way to make it work. I wish there was. At least right now.


I'm worried that, while now I feel like transition might be too far for me, it could change and I walk that path later regardless. It would be the end then anyhow. 


Don't know if I make much sense. I sort of feel like I'm rambling. 

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To add further fuel on the proverbial fire, word of the accident reached her neighbourhood and at the very least the ears of her mother. The last people she wanted to know anything about this is her family. She just let me know that one of the other residents in their complex told her mother of an accident on Friday where two guys on a bike got knocked, one of which looked like a woman with heels and makeup. It doesn't take a genius to put the two together but I have been told the accident happened on Saturday morning now if anybody asks. 


I don't know what's worse. That her fears are also being realised or that her family, a Conservative, conventional, very judgmental and cruel lot, might find out too. 


One night of fun turned right around to bite me now. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Katelyn,

There are times in life when everything seems to be crashing down on us, and we want to ask "how could it have all gone so wrong?" There is a slogan that fits these situations well, "This too shall pass". Just like when a bad storm hits, it also comes to an end. We hope the clean up isn't too bad and know that the sun will shine again. Right now you're hunkering down as the storm in your life blows through. Just have faith that the sun will return to your world one way or another, and this storm too shall pass and you will come through the orher side.


Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Thank you for the supportive words Timber Wolf, I appreciate it. I will try to stand strong while it blows over. It just kinda sucks right now, while I'm in the thick of it. Though I suppose that's normal. Like calling water wet. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Katelyn, 

I haven't in too much recently to add to this post but there are lots of good advice and commentary from my friends.   A few points I've picked up on.


12 hours ago, Katelyn said:

We want very different things from life and sadly, while she knows what she wants going forward, I just know what I do not want, and they seem to be the same things more often than not. Even with compromise there's just too much. 

This is not terribly uncommon as relationships develop, even if it does take time.  Reality eventually sets in and we must make a decision that has a large emotional component.  This makes it hard.  But you must be true to yourself.  I have long held that we need to look out for (and love) ourselves first before we can do the same for others.  


9 hours ago, Katelyn said:

I don't know what's worse. That her fears are also being realized or that her family, a Conservative, conventional, very judgmental and cruel lot, might find out too. 

How about both?  Your girlfriends family is probably never going to come around to fully accept you once they figure this all out.  And will your girlfriend maintain a constant front of embarrassment?    


As hard as it seems we must detach from the emotional and focus on the rational.  People do not change, whether that be you or your girlfriend.  If she is not going to be fully supporting, you will repress and neither of you will be happy.   I take it you are younger than I so I will say you have plenty of time to find a true soulmate.   You and she need to have frank and open talk about dreams, aspirations and your future, whether combined or apart.  


I wish you well.



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Relationships can indeed be tough, especially if 

your significant other doesn't know an aspect of you.

I wish you the best~ ^.^


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I went through an experience just this week involving my significant other not accepting me. My self exploration was starting to scare my girlfriend, and I even voiced some measuring comments to see how accepting she would be of me spiritually and sexually. Her responses were quite negative including such things as being called a freak. We had some problems before, and I ended up breaking up with her which made me feel guilty. My feelings were that if she wasn't going to accept the real me, then the relationship was doomed. I'm alone now for the first time in 13 years, but at least I feel like I'm free to be me.


I hope your situation resolves itself in the best way possible. It's hurtful! My heart breaks for you.



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  • Admin
2 hours ago, Alessa said:

My feelings were that if she wasn't going to accept the real me, then the relationship was doomed. I'm alone now for the first time in 13 years, but at least I feel like I'm free to be me.


It's a shame when people can't accept us as we are, but I applaud you for recognizing that you deserve nothing less.

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Thank you. At this point we've decided to set the talks aside till we can speak calmly over the weekend. It will get emotional again but doing so when we were already on an emotional roller-coaster with the accident having happened and some other issues here at home would have definitely just worsened things. I'd prefer if we did end up doing our own things that we try to go our ways without resentment and anger towards each other. Fortunately we don't live together yet which means we both got chance to breathe. 


I've also started looking more intensely for a therapist that lists LGBTQ (I think that's the right order and acronym right?) issues so I can go have a chat when I have some money again. I just think that, should it end up being myself that's just being silly, I'd can maybe find middle ground for dressing without it ending us. Obviously if this goes beyond the clothing, which in a way I want to say it does but I feel too uncertain of, there really won't be another way. 


I'm sorry to hear about your breakup Alessa, and I wish you the best forward. That freak comment resembles the way my girl told me how ashamed she felt and told me it literally made her nauseous thinking of me going out as Katelyn. It couldn't have been a nice feeling. Strongs. 

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  • 8 months later...

"Katelyn"...My "Sexy Boyfriend" And I (Both Crossdressers) Wear Bras and Panties...We Have A Wonderful Relationship...It's Getting stronger Everyday !

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