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Fitting In - Struggling


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I'm struggling to feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm not male, I'm not female, and everyone else seems to be one of those two things. Meanwhile, they look at me like an alien and tip-toe around me to such an extent that I feel like withdrawal is my only option. In fact, I'm almost afraid to leave the house because I feel like a different species. :/ It's a conflicting duality of emotions - either I don't feel acknowledged or I feel judged - it's like no attention level is comfortable. I really don't leave the house at all any more save for work where I actually do present as non-binary. People are scared to comment on any of the changes I make at work, so I have no idea what anyone is thinking about me. For the most part, people either ignore me outright or treat me as male, and it's frustrating. I'm thinking about some feminizing purchases, but every change I make leads to some level of insecurity with no feedback what-so-ever.


I hate to come on here and just whine, but I feel like I'm going to explode, and I feel like my support system has completely failed me. 

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  • Forum Moderator

The difficulties of fitting into a system that has only two holes to peg everyone into are tough. Try to remember that the most important person to fit in with is yourself. What makes you feel most comfortable and right with yourself is more important that what others think. Slow progress, not perfection.


Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Alessa this is good advice from my friends.  I know its hard but try not to worry about it.  Its hard trying to fit in.  Be you.  Don't worry about what others are thinking about you, beyond being concerned for your personal safety.  Unfortunately society does try to pigeon hole us into one camp or the other.  People like to feel secure in themselves and this is projected in how they view and react to others.  You cannot control it, only how you react to them.  Most times how they react is a reflection of their own insecurities.  Once I stopped worrying it was like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Be calm and go about your business.  Enjoy the life you have ahead of you.



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Hi Alessa. Like others have said, we've struggled with this too. You're not alone. Just yesterday in a doctor's appointment, the nurse and doctor looked at me with questions in their eyes, as if they were thinking, Who/what is this person? I'd suggest focusing on your time alone. See what clothing you feel most comfortable in. Experiment. Your intuition and heart will hopefully guide you in the process. The true you is in there - you just have to give this person a way out.


Big hugs





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  • Forum Moderator

 First of all please don't apologize for " whining".  I have certainly done my share here as have many others. 

When i first presented as myself i think i thought i had to be completely female in appearance.  I just wanted to disappear into a crowd.  it still bothers me when it seems i've been read but at the same time i certainly have male attributes that will never disappear and which i actually like.  Maybe i am androgynous as well but for the most part i life my life as a female.  That was a dream for me as long as i can remember and remains my identity.  That being said i see many females dressed as males.  At this point i think we are all a bit of a mix even though society doesn't allow for that.

Sorry it is bugging you.  Feeling non accepted always hurts but if it helps you are certainly accepted here.





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Hi Alessa


My advice to you is just be yourself, and try to develop a sense of humour about things. I went through the same things, as probably most of us have, but for me it was really essential for my health to be me. I must admit that personally I have never thought I was wrong in my thinking. I realised I was different; I also realised that no two people are the same, and everyone has their secrets that they don't like to share. My thinking is that many people are too afraid to share those inner thoughts and wishes, and align with their assigned gender, outwardly (but maybe not totally inwardly) proud to be with the flock.


Be yourself, open and friendly. People are used to adapting, and they will see you as you are. In time it would be the case that if you wore say completely male clothes people would think something was wrong, as not normal for you. From my personal experience, I think I was always expecting a far bigger reaction to what I did than I got. No feedback is often good feedback. We do feel a bit guilty at times as we have had years of upbringing which we are partially undoing. Its one good reason to be here as there are people who understand.



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I have very little advice for you @Alessa but I do know that you are a valuable and beautiful person.  We all are.  The problem you speak of is not you, it's the people you are hanging around with.  Work is tough.  You don't get to choose your workmates but outside of work, you can be with anyone.  People who hold to a strong gender binary are going to impose their beliefs on you overtly and subtly in an attempt to get you to conform.  Look for persons who see gender on a spectrum and you'll find your fit.  I hope you can find it where you live but you wont be the first person who had to move to find it.  In the meantime, you are accepted here and we can offer as much friendship as can pass through the internet.

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Without knowing many specifics, I can offer this, that overthinking about a gendered world is suffering. We did not create this binary world, we only have to navigate it. Any steps you can take to reduce dwelling about these topics will reduce suffering. Let these feelings go, release this toxic energy, your interactions with others may change. So much of what we call reality is what "YOU" make of it. Free your mind, and life will seem more kind....




C -

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I sure appreciate all of the support and advice everyone. :) 
I am slowly getting more social interaction that is non-judgmental outside of work. I'm happy to announce a new friend yanked me out of the house and took me to a bar. I feel like I was an embarrassing drunk, but for a first time out of the house (socially) in four months, I guess it could have gone worse. :P

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Alessa, I really admire you for just being yourself. If I were not worried so much about what people think, I would go much further than I dare. Glad to hear that things are slowly going better in terms of social contacts.


I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of "androgynous", "gender neutral", "unisex" etc. as they are being used in our society. Somehow I have the impression that for people of female sex there is a lot more acceptance for adapting male styles than the other way around.

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  • 4 weeks later...

What other people think.   Wow that's a biggie for a little of us.   For example I would love to get my ears pierced.....but what would the guys at work say.  What would my uncle's say...  OMG.  The wife.  And really pierced ears are very common into days Society.  For anybody.    Maybe some day.    

Best of luck your among friends

Jamie ?

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  • 2 months later...

What other people think is a problem, not for you but for them and I don't care what they think because it makes no difference to my life. I know I'm different and kind of bi-gendered in a the way others see me. Actually I'm non-gendered by nature of the fact that I have been surgically neutered, but no one knows about it and frankly it's no one's business and I let them enjoy themselves speculating about it. I'm just me, and so non-descript that I actually blend in to the crowd better than if I was outwardly one of the binary genders. Think about it, you can do that too.

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On 2/16/2018 at 2:57 AM, tracy_j said:

try to develop a sense of humour about things.

My attitude exactly. I find that I can put people at ease by taking a lighthearted approach when answering questions about my transition. It also helps to find humor in situations where people misread you.


On 2/16/2018 at 2:57 AM, tracy_j said:

I think I was always expecting a far bigger reaction to what I did than I got.

To me, it was almost a letdown when I came out. I expected people to comment on my choice of clothes or my makeup or lack of. However, I came to realize that as tracy_j said, the lack of feedback is a good thing. 

The advice that has been given is right on and I agree with everyone here that to be yourself and not worry about what others think is what is important.

2 hours ago, Marci said:

What other people think is a problem, not for you but for them

Remember that you are ding what's best for you and you are not doing it for anyone else. If they don't like it, "tough titties"!?




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  • 3 weeks later...

im new on the forum but been at this years. i to tried to find a place to fit in but now the world can fit in round me i will be who i feel.i think u have to find a balance between what u want to do to feel happy and what if u do it will actually cause u to be unhappy..its a juggling act.i had a real bad time with the what will people think and do ect but now i know what i want.things have come a long way and now more is accepted. years ago the options seemed to be trans man or trans woman. now with all the accepted option u can fit in..took me a while to decide which was me. take it slowly and test the water. i look on it now that if some one grumbles its their problem..i had one guy ask what are you(subtle)..i replied your wildest dream lol....learn to laugh and have fun....

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  • Forum Moderator

@Alessa  I know just how you feel, I’ve been stuck in boy Mode so long that it’s getting weird, and I’m definitely entering or am already in a rather androgynous phase and my coworkers don’t know what to make of it. Just yesterday I was sitting in my office chair talking to the shipping supervisor and he kept looking at me funny and said something rather crude about my chest, he wasn’t trying to be mean he just has no filter, and of course I was extremely embarrassed and cross my arms and apologized. After thinking about it I realized it’s really his problem not my problem, And I did talk to him about it later and he was just fine about it, he told me he actually thinks it’s great that I’m finally going to achieve a goal I’ve spent a life avoiding, and he didn’t mean anything by it other than it was something new he hadn’t noticed before. I’m sure that many of the people you work with have no idea how to be supportive, as Im finding people at work really have never been exposed to or understand even in the slightest what it is to be differently gendered. But I am so happy that your friend took you out, I had a similar similar experience on Sunday and it was absolutely the best thing I’ve done in years, having some friends that understand, or you can just be yourself and go out socially is super important, but definitely take it easy on the drinking as I’ve gotten Myself in trouble twice now just in the last couple months and I don’t ever drink. However there’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to a bar with your friends as long as you can keep yourself to a two drink maximum, if there’s one near you think about going to a comedy club as there is nothing quite as good as laughter to make you feel better. I encourage you to cultivate more friends, as much as my support groups and therapists help me, my friends Are there to lift me, and I recommend it wholeheartedly.



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