Kymmie's story

[KymmieL]

After the warm welcome I have received. I wanted to post up my story.  While my story may not be exciting, I will however post it up. This is the first time I have ever posted my story.

I am at the end of the baby boomers. Born in Livonia, MI. I guess I was normal. I however had a love for trucks and cars. As far back as I can remember and from stories from my Mom. Once I was able to be out of the car seat. 3-4 maybe can't remember. Remember it was the mid 60s and kids weren't in a car seat for most of their childhood like now.  I wouldn't sleep in the car because I may miss seeing a truck, car or train. My place in the car was right between the front seats. This lasted until I was maybe 11. I was the youngest of two. I have a sister who is 4 years older than I am. My parents where great. Where married for 46 years when my father passed in 06.  One thing is that while growing up the longest we lived in one home was 7 years. Don't really know why, that was my parents decision. 

  I mostly grew up in  and around Detroit's west side. I started kindergarten in Detroit. Between K and 1st. We moved about 20 miles out, Around 69-70. From 1st through 3/4 of the way through 4th grade. In that school I was popular to a degree. I had girlfriends. In second grade I would make out at recess with one girl. She moved between 2&3rd. I have various girl friends from 3rd till we moved. Unfortunately that crashed and burned once we moved. To the small town right next to Detroit. I started a new school maybe 2 months before school was out. My sister didn't have too, She was lucky. I was put into a split class 4th/5th. from almost day one I was chastised,Mostly because I came with a buzz cut. ( What boys wore where I moved from) Then getting picked on. Never really beat up, mostly mental. I was called wimpy because I didn't fight. I never had to in my old school. Never stood up for myself. once school let out for the summer I stayed mostly in my own neighborhood. Where I had friends all younger kids, 4-5 years younger. no boys my age. A girl next door my age but only casual friendship. 5 grade started. When down hill fast. I was so scared of the kids on the playground I wound up going home for lunch. I remember one day I had to stay at school for lunch I wound up taking all the lunch period to eat then hiding in the class room so I wouldn't have to go out on the playground. 6th grade wasn't much better but I however did stay for lunch. I had became a school safety. So I would eat slightly earlier than most then patrol the playgrounds or go to my corner to stop kids from crossing when car came by. Since I moved I never had a girlfriend again till after graduation. More on that later. 

            To be continued

 

[KymmieL]

JR High:

Once getting out of elementary school, 7th grade was Jr High school. Life didn't get much better. Still had my young friends in my neighborhood. I was like a lost rabbit. First semester was the normal classes, and one rotating class, 15 days in each, Home ec, art, crafts, language, etc. I had thought that JR High would be better. It wasn't at all. Second semester rotating class changed to gym. The chastising kept up. 8th grade was more of the same. Of Course girls seemed to avoid me like the pleg. Of course I had crushes. I remember one. Of course a cheerleader. I started leaving a couple anonymous of course. After a couple notes, I over heard some of the jocks saying that they would push him against the lockers and force him to admit it. I wasn't sure who they where talking about, but vowed to not let it happen to me. The jocks did confront me about the notes. But wasn't held against the lockers because I freely admitted it. Don't know what they told the object of my affection but from then on. She would flip me off most every time she had the chance. During Jr High I attended one monthly dance called a canteen. I mostly stayed in the game rooms, when ever I went to the gym. I would just stand just inside the door in the shadows.

  About this time in my life I started Roller skating. A first I could get the hang of it. I would propel my self pushing off with the toe stop. Once I got the hang of it. I love it. Every Saturday afternoon, I would go and spend my $3.00 allowance. $2.50 for the session, $.25 for a locker and the last quarter was for a video game. That lasted for months every Saturday. I did do couples skate, sometimes not just holding hands, either I or my partner would skate backwards and I would hold her waist. I was in heaven.  I did get a girlfriend at the rink. But calling her was just out of our local calling area so my dad said it was expensive and couldn't call her like I wanted. So that went down the sewer.

                I will stop for the night, more to come. stay tuned. LOL

[KymmieL]

I am hoping posting this up is alright. If it is not please let me know. I will stop.

 

I will continue. 9th grade was a big change. the school district decided to close the second Jr High. put all the 7-8 grade to my Jr High. 9th grade went to the high school. So I was in the first class that attended 4 years at the HS. again through HS I had few friends. I was a nobody from the auto shop. It seems like people knew me by my car and not me.  Still no girl friend. However one summer I started hanging around a close elementary in the next town.  ( about a mile from my house) it was for there summer program. No body new me there. so I was safe. On day they went to the Detroit zoo. Nobody asked where I lived so I was able to go. I would up friending a nice girl. Actually wrote her # on my shoe. Had a pen no paper. I called her a couple time. Don't know why I stopped.

Most summers before I got my license I would ride my 10 speed all over. Mostly I would ride out to I-275 and ride the bike paths. Almost in hopes of meeting girls. In time, I finally realized I was showing some female traits, actually it was pointed out to me by my shop teacher. I would sit on my feet like a girl. Now I realize I was showing others. Once my hair got longer, when I got is cut, I would want it feathered back. When my mom cut my jeans into shorts. I wanted them cut higher, Once she asked me, do I want my butt hanging out. NO ( actually yes) I would wear wrist sweet bands.

          Next is the start of my crossdressing, stay tuned.

[KymmieL]

My start in crossdressing  or is it more???

 

It was in my teens 13 maybe 14. I still don't know why I did it but glad I did. My parents and my sister where out. So I decided to go to my sisters room and try on a pair of her panties. Instant thrill. I did it a few more times, then tried a slip with the panties. amazing. Then I tried on an old dress that was in her closet. WOW. 

I wound up acquiring that first pair I wore. Then found a bag with some of her old cloths where an old bikini was. That became mine along with a bra. I had no thoughts of my Moms as she wore the old brief styles. I had learned to sew years before. I wound up making my own panties to some degree. But I was afraid of it too. I remember being asked several times by my Mom if I wanted to dress like a girl for Halloween. Each time saying NO.

Growing up I was the ( I will call) perfect child. I never smoked, drank much at all,  nor got into drugs, or weed. Where my sister was about the total opposite. She partied, Got arrested Etc. Yet she seemed to get everything from my parents. Where I had to work for it. By the time my sister was 20 she had totaled or wrecked 5 cars.

OK, now back on the subject at hand, my pathetic life. I continued enjoying the panties I had. I wanted more. So why not get some male bikinis. I was even scared buying them. In my senior year I joined the Air Force in the delayed enlistment program.  After graduation, late as I had to go to summer school in a totally different school district. Because we wound up moving IIRC May of 83. I drove 20 miles to school the last few weeks. I wound up failing my last semester of English because I took my parents advice and did a supposed "easy" class, films. Instead of creative writing which I wanted to. I was able to graduate with my original class. Nov 83 I went to basic, was in basic training through the holidays that year, turkey day, my Bday, X-mas, and new years. Stayed in San Antonio for my technical training and additional training. May parents move yet again to FL. Just before I graduated tech school. So my dad came down and brought my car. So I was free to do what I wanted after training. I wound up going skating at a rink close to base. ( it is still there in 2012 when I was back for my oldest sons Basic graduation. almost 28 years to the day, I was their) I actually wound up finding a girlfriend at the rink. How ever I was 19 she was 15 and lived at a girls group home. ( go figure my luck) They would take the girls skating on Fridays if they where good. I would talk for hours with her using the pay phone on base. The local mall there had a Frederick's of Hollywood store. I would pass by and almost drool over some of the stuff there.

 

To Be continued

[KymmieL]

To continue:

Let me say I have never had any interest in sports other than automotive types. And NOT Nascar. Mostly touring car, Ultimate Street car.

 

One day I got up the courage to actually go into Frederick's. I was in dream land. All the lingerie, Etc. I wound up buying a pair of mens bikini underwear. embarrassed doing it. So once out of training, I wound up being stationed in Rapid City, SD. Ellsworth AFB. 

Let's back track for a minute. During Basic training I was embarrassed at not having a girlfriend. I asked my parents for the address of an old friend, whom live two doors down from us when I was in 1-4th grade. I started writing her just to have a girl to write to. It started to get stronger. I would talk $10 worth of quarters every payday. A relationship bloomed. Between school and my 1st base I visited her. The feelings grew. Then Valentines day 1985 I asked her to marry me. She accepted. 

Before I moved out of the dorm, Like an idiot. I started buying some lingerie for my then girlfriend. Things I like and wanted to see her in, so I thought. We wound up marrying in Oct 85. Deep down I think I just married to get a piece. Where I had no luck other wise. I found a small lingerie shop in Rapid City where I purchased quite a bit for my wife, plus a couple male things for me. Unfortunately My wife wasn't the lingerie fanatic I had become. She wore it occasionally. I think just for me. My underdressing was mostly male lingerie. Still boring. Times when she was out I did try on some of the things I got her. which was great fun. My wife is an alcoholic, in the first 2 years of marriage she had gotten 2 DWIs. Went for in-patient treatment. I was working when she had her 2nd one. I worked Missile security and was out in the field for 3 days. I was just about ready to call it quits on us but my best friend, one of two. talked me out of it. We were married exactly 2 1/2 years when our oldest was born.

More to come............

[KymmieL]

Well I had gotten an back office job just after my son was born. I am working 3 on 3 off 12hour shifts. I get a call one night. My wife had got into trouble again. I go home, she was supplying alcohol to minors. Then and there she decided to go to AA and hasn't had a drink since. Is going on 30 years sober. I still get Lingerie for her. And she still rarely wears it. I am almost used to it. I continue to wear more and more woman's underwear. All of it androgynous.  My wife is great and doesn't care about my preferred undergarments. Fast forward to 93. I had gotten out of the service. After 9 years 1 day. It wasn't really what I had planned but Thanks to my wife's drinking problem it may have been the catalyst of problems I had. I may get into those at a later date.

After the Air force We moved back to Michigan. After just 3-4 months we decided it isn't for us. however we had just had our furniture shipped from SD. So we stick it out for almost 3 years. One time we went to one of the local malls., We visited a Frederick's We picked out a few things. Both for her and me. They denied paying with a check because we didn't have a major credit card. Their loss. Upon leaving I told my wife, Hey you know I will wear just about anything even if it is for a female. We shopped Target for underwear, Etc.  In 94 our second son was born. my parents where watching our oldest that day. since I was planning on being home alone, I had planned on wearing one of my wife's teddiett with stocking to bed that night. Then my parents had me pick up my son so that idea was killed. By that time I was mostly wearing woman's panties daily anyway. In Sept 95 we had had enough put our house hold in storage and went back to Rapid City. We lived in a tent at a camp ground for a couple months. Then in a camp cabin. Then a hotel. Until We got into low income housing. I began wearing lingerie under my cloths, more and more. We had our 3rd son in 97. He was a pre-me born ten weeks early. He spent 2 months in NICU. My wife had developed pneumonia. At 2 days old my sons right lung collapsed and we believe cased a stroke. He was diagnosed with minimal cerebral palsey. 3 years after moving back to Rapid city, I got a job offer down here in Laramie, WY. an we moved again. And here we are.

stay tuned same bat time same bat channel. LOL

[KymmieL]

Conclusion:

So here we have been for almost 18 years. My boys grew up here. Then their is me. While I have a great family. my life sucks. Since I have gotten out of the service I have had 11 jobs. I feel like a failure. I started trying to feel more feminine. In 2002 I fully shaved from the waist down. I have been painting my toe nails since 97. I began shopping ebay. Where I have purchased about 80% of my wardrobe.Anymore mostly female cloths. I exclusively wear panties 24/7/365. I wear lingerie to bed every night.  I began shaving from my nose to my toes 2-3 years ago. Most of my shirts are t-shirts one piece of clothing that is androgynous. I have been diagnosed by the VA with Major depression, among others. In the past 4-5 years, with all that was happening, all I wanted to do is come home and slip into a comfortable skirt and relax. I lost my longest job since the military at Wal-mart. That was a kick in the head for me. However I was able to get my current job shortly after, and about 2 years later. I still enjoy going to work. I have a self confidence issue. When I get down or something unpleasant happens I think about just up and leave. Go some were and go full time female. leaving everything behind. I have wanted to change my body to be more feminine. I have never thought I looked good. Just plan me. I know that I would be scared to even admit I wanted to be female.

   Once We where watching an episode of SVU where a transgender teen was accused of attacking her unsupportive father. After it was over I happened to mention that I supported the teens choice. That opened a can of worms, my wife then asked me if I wanted to be a female. Being scared I said NO. Even with my wife knowing about my crossdressing. Anyway in the past year or two when I see a beautiful woman it used to be I would want to be with her. Now it is I want to have a body like hers. It happens just about all the time now. I am not attracted to males, still loving the female form, So I am a lesbian. My meds have affected me, I have ED. Bad enough that I have to take two 100 mg of the blue pill to get an half way decent erection. yet I haven't made love to my wife in over 2 years, I can get hard enough or long enough to enter her. Frustrating me as our sex life had been great. Even a beautiful woman doesn't excite me below the waist. Last summer a young lady came into the store wearing a nearly transparent top. her breasts where clearly visible. The mind was turned on yet nothing below. I do see a counselor at the VA, but I am scared to bring up gender. 

 We still live in low income housing. Our youngest still lives with us and our middle son has moved back in last fall, he says maybe for the next year. I have been wanting to live in a fantasy world. or in the past. If given a chance to go back and change my life I think I would.

Years ago I began writing a story, what I wanted my life to be like. In the last 5 years my stories have changed to more transgender, transformation based.  still wanting to be the people in my stories.

transgender or transformed to female.

So that is basically my pathetic life in a nut shell.

Comments and questions are welcome.

 

Thanks,

Kymmie

[tracy_j]

Thank you for sharing your story Kymmie. I am certain it will strike a few chords with others here, as it does with me,  but each one of us is unique with different lifepaths. Getting things out like this is helpful. probably as much to you as anyone else as you can look over it and understand more,  seeing it in black and white, so that you can plan better plan for the future.

 

Tracy

[Cyndee]

Hi Kymmie, I read your story and agree with Tracy above that writing on these topics can be therapeutic, there is a benefit here in that even though we are all unique, you are reaching folks that have experienced similar things. Many familiar themes to me, because like yourself, I am lesbian and in a committed relationship for a long time. The major depression you describe could be a result of Gender Dysphoria or related to such, your words tell me you are displaying many of the symptoms. You would probably benefit from seeking counseling on this topic. It takes a certain amount of courage to seek help on this, I remember my first meetings with a GT, it was like the flood gates opening up. GD = Depression, it can be a very depressing condition to suffer with, many people try to escape with drugs and alcohol, or worse, they simply check out of this world. I know my health was declining because of it, it affects your entire well being.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[KymmieL]

Thank you both for the kind words they mean a lot.

A little more about me:

My oldest is married currently lives in Salina, KS. I have 2 grandsons, my oldest grandson is my oldest sons. My other grandson is my middle sons. He wound up giving up all parental rights.  However I was able to get a hold of my grandsons Mom's number and have started a conversation with her. I think my son would go off the deep end if he knew. But that little boy is our grandson whither he likes it or not. Just 2 weeks ago we found out we are to ne grandparents again. We are all hoping for a girl. 

Me and the wife have discussed moving to Salina. First my wife was for it. lately she doesn't seem to want to. There is so much more their, housing is cheaper. A house her that is $250K is less than 100 their. They have a Harley dealer, ours closed. We enjoy riding. the even have a skating rink( with an actual wood floor) as the one here closed 5 years ago. They also have a VA medical clinic in town where ours is in Cheyenne. If We wind up moving I do plan on talking to my new counselor about gender, if I can bring up the guts too.

 

Sorry to add to my story. Like I said it is the first time anyone has been told this much. I do feel better having done it.

Kymmie

[Jani]

Congratulations on the upcoming birth!  Great news!!  

 

As others have written, writing our story can be cathartic.  I keep a log and even though I don't make entries as often as I used to, it's an important tool.   Your life is much like many of us.  Thanks for sharing.

 

Jani

[BrandiBri]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

 I keep a log and even though I don't make entries as often as I used to, it's an important tool.

Jani is right, writing your thoughts and keeping track of events that are important to you are important. It helps to go back periodically to see just how far you have come in your transition. 

 

Congratulations, grand-babies are so much fun!!!

 

Brandi

[KymmieL]

To add a couple things. One of my down falls in the military. On Oct 30 1989 I was involved in a vehicle accident while on duty. It was 4 of us in an armored vehicle. We rolled it into the ditch.  I was the only one seriously hurt. I wound up with 2 broken toes. From then on I can barely handle driving in bad snowy weather. I won't if I can avoid it. I was off regular duty through Christmas. Of course the first trip back to the missile field was a snowy crappy weather. Luckily we went strait to the site we stayed at. Trip in day was -crap-. I was scared almost out of my mind. I was riding pass seat. I would just keep my head down and my headphones turned up. Occasionally I had to report on a missile site we passed. I would just poke up my head and get the site # and call it in. Then back to my music.

 

More later as I ave to get to work.

 

FYI, We are having a granddaughter, possible name Mckenzie Rose. (not sure how they will spell it.

 

Hugs . Kymmie

[Jani]

I damaged a couple toes in an accident when I was younger and for years they would ache when the weather turned cold or damp.  It eventually subsided for me.  I hope so for you too.  Congratulations on the granddaughter!  I have two and they are a handful.  

 

Cheers,

Jani

[Charlize]

Enjoy your new grandchild Kimmie!  I've been blessed with 2 grandsons who live on the farm with my son.  They just left after a mother's day visit.  Such a rush!  Gotta love them.

Another reason for gratitude.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KymmieL]

That trip was the last snowy one for that season. When the roads are dry I am fine. Come the next falls snow. my anxiety starts going up. On one trip I go out. We have to return to base to provided escort. On the way in, we go to stop the truck slides to the left. I am riding in the very same seat and does the same thing that happened just before the accident. So I freak out. When we get back to base I notify my supervisor. I am replaced on that trip. I am sent out as escort for a maintenance team. I really have no problems with that trip. 

I get the idea it is the vehicle, not the roads themselves. Even going to a shrink for it. I am temporarily working back with vehicle section. I pick up repaired vehicles and return them to our shop. On trip I get one of the armored trucks I had the accident in. Being it is great weather, I think nothing about it, hop in and go. Upon returning to the parking lot, one of the supervisors sees me.flips out. This guy is the father of the two boys who where involved in my wife's, providing alcohol to minors incident. It gets worse from that day. I get dereliction of duty. I lose my NCO status. My direct supervisor doesn't help me for -crap-, even helping them.  luckily no reduction in pay. 

Shortly after they tried to transfer me to aircraft security. I get almost literately grill by one of the aircraft supervisors. He asks me what I want to do with my life. I say I want to possibly take classes to better myself. But that doesn't mean -crap- to him. I am sent back to missiles. It is the story of my life. No one wants me.

This incident has affected me ever since.

 

[KymmieL]

Some better news. On Mothers day, I text my other grandsons Mom wishing her a happy mothers day. She asks for my son's number, wanting to make sure I wasn't some weirdo. She winds up calling my son. He gets upset about it at first. Now for the last three weekends he has gone to visit his son. I haven't seen him this happy in years. He even told my wife I need to thank Dad for doing something I was afraid to do. 

Kymmie

[Charlize]

That sounds great Kymmiel.  It sounds as if your reading out has helped your family.  That should put a smile on everyone's face.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Very nice indeed ?

 

C -

[Jani]

Super!  ?

[KymmieL]

Up date:

Well my middle son wound up quitting his job here in Laramie. Actually moved to be closer to his son. He has rented a house for himself, a new job. He live about a mile from his son. It is great. 

My granddaughter is being born Sept 7, they are inducing labor. our daughter in Laws mother will be going to help out that weekend. but has to be back to work on Tues. SO I have taken Tues-Fri off and working early on Mom so soon as I get home we( Hopefully my wife can get the time off) I will take off. To meet my granddaughter, Makenze Joselynn.

MY life is still pathetic. I have however became Assistant Manager at our store. My mind has been a thousand places. My writing is my only escape as I dream I am the person in my story. I write most everyday at lunch. I posted one up on a site. But have since done some revisions and addition so I will be eventually adding it to another site.

Kymmie

[Jani]

Congratulations on the new addition to the family.  

 

Your life is not pathetic!  It may be a little mixed up right now but it will pass.   I hope the promotion was what you wanted although I understand it does come with new stresses.  Part of the territory I guess.   I think writing is a wonderful way to collect our thoughts, and to gain insight into what is important in life.  

 

Jani

[KymmieL]

Here is a little update on what is been happening in the last almost 4 years. On Halloween of 2018 I had an appointment in Fort Collins, CO. I decided to go dressed as myself. Which was the first time out dressed.while I was a little nervous. It quickly went away. It felt fantastic being out and about as my true self. All that crashed and burned once I got home. My youngest was shocked as was my wife. She laid into me. I heard as I was changing "if HE wants to live as a woman I will let HIM but without me." meaning the big "D".   It eventually calmed down. One evening my son gets on my case about me wearing a bra. going on and on about me not needing to do this and that. My wife gets into it. I wound up canceling all my female related appointments. Even going as far as cutting my hair, it had almost 2 yrs of growth.  down to wahl #4.

 

I figured that I couldn't stop I needed to be who I need to be. I had a couple of knock down drag out fights with my youngest. In the mean time my wife outed me to my middle son. once I heard this I called him to talk about it. He and his girlfriend , common law wife. I call her my daughter in law. They are totally supportive of me. I also learned a couple things about him that I never knew. they both a part of the spectrum.  My wife still believes that his acceptance of me is because of his wife. I know better.

 

I eventually came out to my oldest, via email. Soon as I sent it to him, he calls, asking did you actually send this. No matter what I love you.   His wife was raised Catholic even going to a Catholic school until high school. So once they talked. I have only seen his kids, my grandson and granddaughter 3 times since I sent the email. Before last Xmas we visited and had it out. I have stopped in their mind. He was saying I lied to them. not telling the truth.

 

the water works are starting up. so I will close.

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

Kymmie I know its been a roller coaster ride over these past years.  I only hope things get better for you.  I know we do things to preserve our family life but looking out for yourself is important too.

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[KymmieL]

Well to continue.

 

The second knock down drag out with my youngest was when they found out that I had ordered new work shirts, ladies camp shirts, with Kymbrill on the name tag. I previously contacted our home office HR about getting female shirts.  I put it off for a while. One day I said the he!! with it. I had my GYN fill out the paper to get my sex changed on my drivers license. I figure since I am now legally female in the eyes of the Wyoming dept of transportation. I changed my nickname with work, Ordered new shirts. The change at work was faster that I had hoped. but as one of my co-workers said, "if not now, When?"  It was about 3 weeks until both my wife and son saw it. then the defecation hit the rotary ocollator. I had the other know down drag out with my son.

 

My wife OKed doing family counseling. Everything went good. The first session was just after my wife and youngest visited our oldest and family. My wife disclosed in the session that my oldest told her to let me go. as in the big "D" I couldn't believe my ears. This is from my son who told me, no matter what I will still love you. IT was a major kick in the head. I let my middle son know what his brother has said. He tore his brother a new one.

 

For about 3 months I was able to paint my fingernails, Be more feminine. My wife was accepting it more or so I thought Then one night she says. I am not comfortable doing this. So back to being boy at home. While I am fully out at work. With no problems. One of the main reasons I did the change with work was they included gender identity in the list of discriminatory actions.

 

So, 2 steps forward and one back.

 

Kymmie