Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

As the crow flies


AsTheCrow

Recommended Posts

Maybe it's time for a thread of my own, yes? Things keep happening and I can't keep making a new thread or hijacking someone else's every time I have something to talk about. I'm too tired to do a whole recap of my story so I'm just going to start with today.

 

I had my second appointment with my therapist today (for depression/anxiety/adhd stuff) and managed to work up the nerve to tell her I'm trans. She says she doesn't have much experience in that field but she does have a colleague she can refer me to if/when I decide to talk to a pro about it. We didn't talk about it much because it was near the end of our session, but even bringing it up feels like a big step.

 

This coming Sunday I have the trans makeup class at Sephora. I am nervous AF. I have been purchasing clothes and shoes to have a complete outfit to wear. I still have a top and shoes coming to me. I desperately need the shoes to work for me, the only other women's shoes I have are high stilettos I got years ago for Rocky Horror, and are not really my style. The lil ankle boots with small heels are much more my speed. If they don't fit I guess I'll just wear my black leather flats.

 

I have been feeling a lil dysphoric about my facial hair and the hair on my chest and back/neck. I bought a depillatory cream for the latter which seems to work well, but I did end up with a bit of a chemical burn from using it twice in one day. I guess I was in a hurry. I also ordered a beginner's kit with safety razor, blades, shaving soap, and brush, because some lovely people on this forum were talking about safety razors and made me curious.

 

I just. I want to feel pretty, and having all this hair everywhere is not cutting it for me. I know I will never be a traditionally beautiful woman by western standards, and I'm honestly fine with that. I just want to be perceived as who and what I am. And I'm feeling impatient.

 

I gotta slow my roll. Gotta take it easy and be patient and feel good about my progress, instead of wanting everything and wanting it now. Gotta try to start liking myself as I am instead of obsessing over what I wish I could be.

Link to comment
  • Replies 102
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • AsTheCrow

    47

  • Jani

    31

  • Kirsten

    8

  • jae bear

    4

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Forum Moderator

Thanks for the update Jay.  I know you'll enjoy the make up class.   Dress casual and be relaxed.  The black flats may be more comfortable walking in the mall.  I'm tall so I stick to flats for the most part or no more that 2" heals when I want to get dressy.

 

Please be careful of the depilatory cream!  I would certainly not use it on your face, if you're considered it.  You might look into laser treatments for body hair.  

 

I hear the impatience in your writing but as you admit, got to take it slow and easy.  Enjoy every minute.  

 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jay i was glad to read that you spoke to your therapist!  If you are like me simply sharing my issues with anyone was filled with fear and shame.  At the same time the honesty somehow made me almost euphoric once i worked through the fear.

As Jani mentioned give yourself time.  I know that's hard.  Once we see the possibility and experience openness it's hard to sit back.  Take a deep breath and relax.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
10 hours ago, Jani said:

Please be careful of the depilatory cream!  I would certainly not use it on your face, if you're considered it.  You might look into laser treatments for body hair.

 

I bought the cream a couple of weeks ago for my face, but I did a test patch as recommended on the instructions, and it was not effective at all, so I abandoned the idea.

 

Then a couple of days ago I decided that the cream might be effective on my chest because the hair is much finer, so I gave it a shot. It was pretty effective but still left just a bit of hair so I reapplied. That was a mistake.

 

I should have waited a day or two, because after I removed the cream the skin there was very red and irritated. A couple of days and a few aloe applications later, and it's just fine. I would use it again on my body hair, I'd just be careful not to use it too soon after a previous use.

 

I'm far too poor for something like laser hair removal, but it's a nice dream. :)

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Charlize said:

Jay i was glad to read that you spoke to your therapist!  If you are like me simply sharing my issues with anyone was filled with fear and shame.  At the same time the honesty somehow made me almost euphoric once i worked through the fear.

As Jani mentioned give yourself time.  I know that's hard.  Once we see the possibility and experience openness it's hard to sit back.  Take a deep breath and relax.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Bringing it up with her was VERY HARD, but I managed to get it out. I viewed it as the first step to maybe getting on hormones some day.

 

It's funny, until very recently my gender progress has been very very slow, but all of a sudden I'M READY TO GO. I think signing up for that trans makeup class was the catalyst. I signed up because I didn't know if they'd ever do another one in my area, and I didn't want Future Jay to regret not attending the class.

 

As soon as I committed to going, I started looking for something to wear, and trying on women's clothes made me start seeing myself differently, which made me want to get rid of all this unwanted hair, etc etc etc. It's like a trans domino effect, and it's fun, and it's exciting, but it's suddenly seeming very REAL and scary.

 

I think I'll be able to relax a little after this class passes, and figure out where I am and how to proceed.

Link to comment

My first shave with the safety razor went great, by the way! My face has never been smoother! There is still room for improvement, but because it was my first time, I just gave it two with-the-grain passes to get the knack of it. When I feel I've got a good handle on it I'll go cross-grain on the second pass for a closer shave.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 That is awesome news !  I’m glad you didn’t go crazy like I did and get too aggressive, I was so happy it worked well and was so smooth I was crossgrain shaving way too much !  I’ve also found that you might need a new blade nearly every shave, but the blades are very cheap so I guess it’s not an issue. 

  Hugs, 

Jackie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
23 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

It's funny, until very recently my gender progress has been very very slow, but all of a sudden I'M READY TO GO

Thats how many things seem to go.  We just idle along as we consider our options then its full throttle!  You'll do fine at the make up class.  Enjoy yourself.

 

Jani

Link to comment
4 hours ago, jae bear said:

 That is awesome news !  I’m glad you didn’t go crazy like I did and get too aggressive, I was so happy it worked well and was so smooth I was crossgrain shaving way too much !  I’ve also found that you might need a new blade nearly every shave, but the blades are very cheap so I guess it’s not an issue. 

  Hugs, 

Jackie

Of course, I have plenty of learning and testing to do, but I expect I'll probably replace the blade every other shave. As you say, they are cheap enough that there's no reason to be precious with them -- which is the exact opposite of how I have treated cartridge razors, using the hell out of them because they're as costly as gold!

 

I know a lot of safety razor users do a with-grain, a cross-grain, and an against-grain pass, but I am super prone to ingrown (naturally curly hair is a blessing and a curse), so I doubt I'll ever be a regular against-grain shaver.

Link to comment
59 minutes ago, Jani said:

Thats how many things seem to go.  We just idle along as we consider our options then its full throttle!

 

Exactly! And yet the idea of coming out to my blood family seems so distant and impossible that I don't know if I can ever really fully transition.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

coming out to my blood family seems so distant and impossible that I don't know if I can ever really fully transition.

 Believe me when I tell you this will come faster than you can possibly imagine, once you tell one person you want to tell another and it starts snowballing, I have said exactly what you just said here in this quote and I look back at it and think how fast it all unraveled, and I wasn’t upset about it one little bit, and there are negative things about it and there are positive things about it but moving forward always feels good. 

  Hugs, 

Jackie

Link to comment

Okay, I had my Sephora makeup class for trans folks a couple days ago; if they haven't already, interested parties may read more about it in this thread.

 

I was discussing it with my dear friend and roommate R yesterday, and expressed something to her I hadn't shared with anyone who knows me IRL. I told her I was thinking of moving to she/her pronouns and exploring the possibility I might be mtf instead of genderqueer/nonbinary. I really don't know where I stand yet, but so far, every step I have taken in that direction has felt right.

 

Seeing myself with that face of makeup has rattled my cage a little. I caught a glimpse of who I could be, and I liked it.

 

Right now the biggest problem I have with the notion of being a full-time woman is the idea of coming out to my blood family. I came out as gay in the late 90s, it was awful, and we haven't discussed my sexuality since. It's that kind of family. The notion of going through that nightmare again, and possibly losing contact with my beloved nephews and niece, is terrifying. Maybe stay-in-the-closet-forever levels of terrifying.

 

As usual, there is exploration and introspection to be done. I plan to keep y'all posted in this thread. I'm grateful I have this platform.

Link to comment

All I can say is don’t think too far ahead. Take a step and see how it feels. Maybe the next step is the last step. Maybe there will be more. But whenever you find that spot where you feel good with yourself, that’s where you belong. Unfortunately that can mean a lot of other things as well, but step 1 is to be happy and proud of who you are no matter what that means. 

Kirsten 

Link to comment

I can't find it again right now, but I just saw someone post elsewhere in the forums that he was taking it one step at a time, first dressing more masculinely, then going to a short haircut, etc etc, and that as soon as he takes a step that makes him uncomfortable, he would stop and take stock. To me it sounded very wise and sensible.

 

So, as you suggest, I'm going to try to take a step at a time. I think for me, the next step is incorporating more feminine garments into my everyday wardrobe. Since I already present fairly androgynously, I don't think it will seem like a very dramatic change. I'm not exactly going from lumberjack to cheerleader here. :)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
4 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

I came out as gay in the late 90s, it was awful

Jay, that was a long time ago.  Things have changed, maybe not so much with your family but with society in general.  Maybe some of your family has come along as well.  At any rate, this isn't about them.  Its about you.  Don't stress. We never want to lose contact with those that we love, but what if they truly don't love you?  Sometimes the family we love is not related by blood but by common experiences, goals and desires.  My family has been supportive, and I have a few very close friends that I consider (I know they do as well) as my family.  I would do anything for them.  

 

4 hours ago, Kirsten said:

All I can say is don’t think too far ahead. Take a step and see how it feels. Maybe the next step is the last step. Maybe there will be more.

Excellent advice from Kirsten.  There are no rules concerning how far and fast you need or should go.  You make the rule.  

 

3 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

I'm not exactly going from lumberjack to cheerleader here. :)

Whoa!  That would be a sight to see!!!  

 

Jani    

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jani said:

 Sometimes the family we love is not related by blood but by common experiences, goals and desires.  My family has been supportive, and I have a few very close friends that I consider (I know they do as well) as my family.  I would do anything for them.

 

Amen! That's why I refer to my 'blood family'. I have a chosen family of dear friends who are a totally different matter. Them I trust to love and support me no matter what. 

 

Anyway, I'm still a long way off from deciding whether to come out or not. I gotta figure it out myself first! :)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
14 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

I gotta figure it out myself first! :)

This is good news to hear.  Its important to understand who we are!

Jani

Link to comment

Remember those shoes I bought that never arrived? And that meant I couldn't wear the outfit I wanted to the trans makeup class? Well they still haven't arrived, so I called the store and they said the shoes were delivered on Friday the 17th, two days before my class!

 

I live in a fairly nice apartment building, but ever since our new neighbors moved into the apartment next door, packages have been going mysteriously missing. Typically, whatever my roommate or I ordered isn't to the thieves' liking, so it shows up opened at our door in the middle of the night.

 

But that didn't happen this time, which means apparently they found a use for my size 13 Christian Siriano ankle boots. The store is shipping me another pair. Hopefully I actually receive this pair.

 

 

Okay, that's all. Just venting a bit.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm sorry to hear this.  You might ask them about watching for your shipments "as some have gone missing."  This would put them on notice you are paying attention.  

 

BTW:  I have a pair of Siriano flats that are very nice.  I hope you get them back!

Jani  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Another thought would be to have them held for pick up at UPS or Fedex.  I think the USPS would do so as well.  

 

Jani

Link to comment

Wokay. I finally got a chance over the weekend to go to Ulta to pick up what I need for a full face of makeup. Between what I already owned and the freebies from the makeup class, it wasn't very much.

 

I had intended to ask an Ulta employee for help choosing colors for foundation and concealer, but there was only one person on the floor when I got there and she was busy, so I did my best on my own. I bought foundation, concealer, primer/setting spray, a few brushes, a beauty blender, and a highlighter. An Ulta gift card I had paid for most of it; I spent just under $10 out of pocket.

 

Later in the day I tried to apply what I learned in the class at home. The thing I was most worried about was getting the right colors for my complexion. I think I did pretty well on the foundation, but the concealer was too dark and yellow, I think.

 

But mostly, I feel pretty good with how I did. The biggest problem is applying the blush well. It looks very bright, no matter how little product and how much blending I do. I have some plans to try to solve that problem.

 

Also, it turns out the perfume I liked? The one I got a sample of along with my other gifts from Sephora? It's way too expensive for me to get a bottle of. Dang. Guess I'll just use that sample for special occasions and make it last.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
33 minutes ago, AsTheCrow said:

Later in the day I tried to apply what I learned in the class at home. The thing I was most worried about was getting the right colors for my complexion. I think I did pretty well on the foundation, but the concealer was too dark and yellow, I think.

Practice makes perfect!  Just remember "less is more" when applying makeup.  I brush on a tiny bit of blush under and around my cheekbones.  You can lessen the effect by dabbing with the sponge from your powder set, dry not loaded.  

 

I was told that your forearm skin color is approximately the same as your facial complexion.  For me it was a good match.  I like to use Neutrogena products.  

Link to comment

Finally got the shoes! I’m shocked at how comfy and well-fitting they are!

 

They were very inexpensive so it’s no surprise the quality isn’t great, but unless someone is reeeaalllly checking them out they look fine. 

 

I wore them all evening yesterday, cooked dinner in them, did laundry in them. Very pleased. 

Link to comment

This is going to go into depth to the point that I'm sure no one will want to read all of it. But writing helps me process my feelings. Please just skip all of this if you want.

 

Anyway. Something that's been on my mind lately is my name. A complicated thing for most trans folks, I think. There's no rush here, of course, but I find myself obsessing about it. I'm gonna do my best to describe my name situation without giving away personal info, so all the names that follow are fake (except Jay, which is really my preferred name).

 

I wrote several paragraphs detailing every little nuance of my names, but I decided that wasn't doing anyone any favors, so here's the short version. I was born John Martin Jackson, which for various reasons is full of a ton of rich family history going back to the 16th century.

 

When I was super young I started going by Jack instead of John. Everyone called me Jack for like 25 years. Eventually my friends were calling me Mr J, and over time I just started wanting to be Jay instead of Jack. Now, my friends and coworkers know me as Jay, and my family knows me as Jack. Jack is super masculine and I never want to hear it again.

 

That's the back story. Where I stand now is this. I have two names that I love for very different reasons. My full birth name is rich in history and is just a beautiful name and I love it. Jay is just me. It's what I want to be called, it's how I introduce myself. It's the name I earned, as opposed to the name I was given.

 

My driver's license, my bank accounts, my official work stuff? It has neither my lovely given name nor my perfect earned name. It all says Jack. Gross.

 

I think my ideal scenario would be to keep my given name on my birth certificate and social security card, but have my DL, bank accounts, and work stuff say Jay. Or maybe even J. I could live with just the letter. Maybe I could have that official stuff say J. Martin Jackson.

 

I don't know. I'm all mixed up. It's going to take a long time to figure out, but someday I'd like to at least get to the point where I never have to see or hear Jack again.

 

Okay that's all for now thanks for letting me abuse this space.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 119 Guests (See full list)

    • Susie
    • KathyLauren
    • Thea
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,013
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. 777fleetleader777
      777fleetleader777
      (21 years old)
    2. ArinHallm3
      ArinHallm3
      (18 years old)
    3. ITakMyTime
      ITakMyTime
      (70 years old)
    4. Jess31
      Jess31
      (40 years old)
    5. Natalie71645
      Natalie71645
      (39 years old)
  • Posts

    • April Marie
      What an amazing life you've shared with your wife. I can understand the trepidation you had at telling her at that point in your relationship but it certainly saved all of the guilt, the questioning and the secrecy that would have filled your lives had you not.   I'm on the other end of the spectrum having denied and buried my truth for decades and fast approaching 50 years of marriage when the dysphoria and depression finally came to critical mass and I unloaded it all on a New Year's Day morning. As you might imagine, it led to a lot of questions, of questioning everything, of anger and hurt on my wife's part. Guilt, embarrassment, fear...and anything else you can imagine on my part.   Thankfully, our love for each other has always been the foundation of our relationship and, ultimately, we both agreed that staying together was what we both wanted. It was a tough year but, now into the 2d since my coming out, we've hit our stride and are exploring this new norm in our life.   I do so love your blog.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Will be at my place
    • Vidanjali
      Congratulations on your new family member!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I thought I would try my version of this. Changes in bold.   I am Transgender.  Sometimes it is remote, sometimes close. Sometimes I am euphoric, sometimes depressed. It is something I cannot get away from and cannot welcome enough. I see some things both ways that neither men as men see or women as women see.  I can be gentle and compassionate and hard as nails. I was born with male genitals but a female heart   I have my heart.  Whatever it is. When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her  Depends on the woman.  When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him   Ditto. I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female Depends. Sometimes I get angry at them because women spend time and energy in ways men don't.  It is not necessarily bad.  I could do without the gossip. Not all women gossip.  Excessive focus on fashion is something I find annoying. And expensive. I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood. Sometimes it is helpful to put on the Iron Man suit and act accordingly.  But I have seen some tough women. When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality. I could go either way, mostly. Really.  In tests in the last two years technicians have gone really quiet when they see how little body and leg hair I have.  I looked at myself this morning.  Remove a few clues and a girl is standing there. When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality. At this point I am not going to do that. In the mood I am in I might break the mirror. My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion. Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level.  Not sure I want to make that statement so categorically. Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.   Well put. The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself. I've got priorities beyond this that this must fit into. The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself.  Would be neat. Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile.   Would be neat.  There are downsides.  Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad.   I have had lots of practice accepting this. I am Transgender....I am a girl
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Good listener, respect them, and show sympathy/empathy, even just being there
    • Ashley0616
      Getting dog today he's potty trained
    • Sally Stone
      Think positively, Ashley.  I have no doubt you'll find your king or queen at some point.   Hugs,   Sally
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob had the night off from teaching kara-tay and they planned to spend a lot of it at Cabaret.   Once in, Taylor waited for her man to park and looked around.  There was a sign "Mary, Paul and Peter LIVE tonight" and, sure enough, three microphones were standing in the open area.  A new hostess came up to her. "Are you alone?" "Oh, no.  He's coming." Taylor was led to a table. Bob was there in a minute and managed to get in there and seat her.  She smiled. "The act will be along in a few minutes. And Congratulations! I am SO EXCITED!!" Taylor responded to his look. "I got promoted." "To what?" "Head of Marketing." "You're kidding." "Nope.  It seems the Board finally woke up to the fact that the China cash cow may come to an end and they need to do something. Did you know that the VPs on up all get over a million dollars in compensation without really doing anything?" "No." "I am supposed to figure out how to re-energize over thirty acres of factory that have laid idle for forty years or more." "Why don't they do it?" She whispered,"the head of production is the son of the previous head of production. He has never produced anything."  She explained that everything was made in China and exported back to the US and sold under different brand names. "How am I going to find someone?" He smiled. "Congratulations. Sounds like a problem.  Hey, today we were talking about problems at our Philly plant.  One, it was built before World War 2. Second the city and state are tightening regulations and the tax structure is adverse.  Third, we get protestors every day, some of whom break into the factory.  People are talking about relocating." "We are forty miles from an interstate." "That is a plus.  Makes it harder for protestors to find us if we moved here." "You are really thinking that?" "I am, right now. I can't speak for the company.  I know there is a rail line." "Spur, actually, with several sidings.  The buildings are in good shape." "Do you have about five acres we could look at? How about if I take some pictures and send them off?" "Great.  And protestors would not be tolerated in Millville.  The factory area once upon a time was the main employer and people are very protective." Two weeks later she was in Philadelphia with Gibson and a few others.  The deal was signed and by end of summer ten acres, with an option on another ten, were being upgraded and equipment was coming in by rail. Not five, but ten.  She got a $20,000 bonus out of the blue.  The company was flush with Chinese cash that they didn't know what to do with. She was developing plans. But back to dinner.  "Did I tell you what they are paying me?" "No." She told him. "That is more than I am making." "You don't sound happy." "It takes some getting used to.  You are Management and Croesus combined." "Yeah. Is this a problem?" "No.  As I said, it takes some getting used to."  The musicians arrived and were introduced: three local teenagers in Peter Paul and Mary clothing and wigs like it was the 60s.  They began singing. "They are good," she said. "They are lip-synching." "They are good at lip-synching." They listened for a while. "Work is going to be intense for a while." "I'll bet." "I won't be able to talk to you about some of it." "I bet." They had a good evening.   The high point for Bob was that she let him put his hand on hers.  The high point for her was Bob did not seem threatened by her now being Management and making more than he did with a Masters. She didn't tell him she was likely to be in on the distribution of money the Chinese sent every year to keep them fat and happy.  But she had to finish up that report, so the evening ended early.  He drove her home, checked her apartment for people and again walked away hearing her lock the door three times.  She didn't say it, but he knew she was going to have a long talk with her therapist as well.   Her therapist was a night owl.  
    • Ashley0616
      envy: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage obsolete : MALICE : an object of envious notice or feeling
    • MaeBe
      I sit back and think, am I this person? I definitely argue, but with the willingness to alter my opinion if I find that my information is lacking. So, no? I also don't go pointing fingers in faces like a crazed person, usually I am the one to argue with that kind of person; typically because they can't see past emotion and have little concern for actual facts. Sometimes it's sport that I do this (ENTP, baby!), but usually it comes from a place of trying to inform and shift opinion--or at least get them to actually obtain facts or get their facts from objective sources.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
    • MaeBe
      How exciting! Have a glorious evening!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...