As the crow flies

[Kirsten]

Just now, Josie Beth said:

My favorite movie! Aaasss yooouuu wiiiiiisssshhhh!!!! 

Lmfao!! YESSSSSS!!!! My wife and all my friends still make fun of me for it. What do they know anyways! ?

 

Glad you are well. Being busy isn’t a bad thing. 

[Jani]

Hello Jay, I've wondered how you have been.  Keep checking in as you can. 

 

Hugs, Jani

[AsTheCrow]

It's been a rough couple of months since mid-November or so; I've been in the worst depressive episode I've had since I was a teenager.

 

I'm still seeing my therapist, and in the next couple of weeks I will probably start antidepressant medication. So theoretically things will start looking up soon.

 

I plan to keep you posted.

[Beverly]

You go girl! Be who you ARE! I went through depression, too. I contemplated suicide. I called the hotline. I am here to testify. Once I decided 'f' it, and decided to be ME, my life changed, I attracted the right kind of people into my life, I began to live confidently, I changed my legal name and gender marker, I AM who I AM. Yay! I enjoy life more than ever, now. I'm actually happy for the first time. I never knew what that felt like before. You can do it, too, girl! Your avatar is very pretty. You're an attractive woman. Own it, girl! Much love your way!

[Jani]

I'm sorry to read you have been down for so long.  Taking something is probably warranted.  Keep your spirits up as best you can. There are lots of good things in our lives to be happy about.  The tough times don't last.  

 

Cheers, Jani  

[Kirsten]

Exercise is another great way to change your mood. Exercise releases endorphins which make you happy and that would at least help some when it came to depression. Might be a good addition to the meds. 

[AsTheCrow]

Doc appointment for meds is on Jan 29.

 

Meanwhile, I got in trouble at work for using my name. Apparently the company perceives my name as an alias because it hasn't been legally changed from my deadname, and using an alias breaks some kind of state law in a state where one of my customers is.

 

So now I have the great joy of using my deadname a few times a day.

 

I don't have it in me to fight this right now, but when things are going better I fully intend to.

[Jani]

Sorry to hear this.  This sounds like an odd rule.  It must be rooted in some sort of deception prevention rules.  You might be able to switch up to using your initials "JM".  I can't see that being secretive or deceitful as it is correct.  You could also make the case to your supervisor that your DL doesn't have your "birth" name on it either and the state is fine with it. 

 

Jani

[AsTheCrow]

Yes, part of my job is technically collections, and some states have very strict rules about that.

 

I understand the intent of the law, and since I have not legally changed my name (and don't intend to do so) I don't really have a choice but to use my deadname in those states.

 

It is.... not ideal. Already having a rough time with mental wellness. Don't really need this added stressor right now.

 

Anyway, I have an appointment on Tuesday which will almost certainly result in having a prescription for antidepressants. So things might look up someday soon.

[Jani]

I know your name has some "history" but have you considered a change to an androgynous version of sorts?   You could use Jay as your first name with the understanding it is related to your birth name.  You could even come up with a short version of your middle name or use the French/Latin version which could be feminine or masculine.   

[AsTheCrow]

Coming up on three weeks on the antidepressant. Side effects were pretty rough for the first week or so.

 

I might feel a little better, but it's still early, and I'm on a smallish dose at the moment which we will likely increase.

[Jani]

I'm sorry to hear the med is causing negative side effects.  Hopefully the good effects ill take hold.  

 

Happy birthday!  

[AsTheCrow]

Talked to the doc today, we're increasing my dosage and she seems satisfied with my progress.

[Jani]

I hope it works well.  ?

[AsTheCrow]

thanks! I'm optimistic.

 

maybe when I get out from under this depression I can actually start improving other aspects of my life.

 

in other news, one of my young cousins has announced she's getting married to her long-time roommate, another woman. First openly LGBTQ person in that party of my family.  I've been out for 20 years now but not with that part of the family. I haven't heard yet what the reaction has been, but I will do everything in my power to make it across the country to get to that wedding. I'm so proud of her!

 

sorta gives me hope that I might be able to really transition some day without getting absolutely disowned.

[Jani]

Great news about your cousin!  Congrats to them.  Maybe this will be just the thing for you to open up to that side of the family.  I'm sure your cousin would appreciate it.  

[Susan R]

7 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

sorta gives me hope that I might be able to really transition some day without getting absolutely disowned.

My wife and I battle with this too.  Neither of us want to lose our kids or grandkids.  We know it's likely going to come out sometime soon and we are accepting that fact more every day.  The unpredictability of it all makes it so hard to get up one day and say, "Well, looks like today's the day!"  We acknowledge the path I'm on is never going to change but are hoping to postpone the inevitable until it's absolutely necessary.

 

Jay, I hope all goes well with the other side of your family.  I'm sure it will go well.

 

Susan R?

[AsTheCrow]

I think I'm gender fluid.

 

I've been feeling fairly masculine for the last month or two, and have been enjoying wearing masculine clothes and keeping my hair back and not wearing jewelry--etc etc.

 

When I realized I was feeling mannish, I spent some time introspecting. And I landed on this: I want to be able to dress and appear and identify however I want, and acknowledge that it will change from time to time.

 

I think if I can get to the point where I'm comfortable with that fluid identity, I won't really care so much about pronouns? Maybe?

 

Right now my goal is to eliminate feelings of guilt and disappointment in myself. There is no innate value in having one gender instead of others, and I need to embrace the idea of fluidity.

[Jani]

Well thats a neat revelation!  Nothing wrong with finding the true you.  You can present as you wish, whether it be womanly or manly.  It can all depend upon how you feel, dress and present yourself in the world.  There is certainly no need to feel guilty about being you.  You are unique and that is a good thing.  
 

Cheers!  Jani  

[AsTheCrow]

Woof. I tried the gender filter on Snapchat everyone's talking about, and "girl" me so pretty and feminine that I cried a little. I won't be looking like that in this lifetime no matter how good at makeup I get. She's pretty but she's not me. 

 

I can't stop looking at the picture and I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing.

[Jani]

Hello Jay!   Those filters don't necessarily represent the person will are or can be.  From the photos you've posted you are beautiful!  I hope you're doing well. 

 

Jani

[AsTheCrow]

Well, after Many Months of the worst depressive episode I've ever had, I have finally figured it out. It's my JOB that's getting to me. This job makes me super unhappy, and I'm not good at it, and I've been doing it for over three years now.

 

It's like a lightbulb has gone off. I need to find a new job that I like better, closer to home, and less stressful.

 

And just over a week after that realization, I got a job offer for just such a position. Now there's only a credit check standing between me and the job I need. Hopefully that won't be a problem.

 

I have noticed that the more depressed I am, the more I default to masculine presentation. It's been so long since I wore earrings one of my holes had almost closed up when I tried to put some in yesterday.

[Jani]

I'm glad to hear you are doing better.  Having a job that wears us down is not good in many ways.  I hope your final check goes through without issue.  

Jani

[AsTheCrow]

Checking in.  That job didn't work out but I am employed.

 

Used a women's restroom for the first time today. With my current presentation I just felt super uncomfortable walking into a men's room. Uneventful. 

[Jani]

Hello Jay.  Sorry to hear the job wasn't right.  But it does appear you're moving onward in life.  Good for you.  Uneventful is what life should be for the most part.  

 

Thanks for checking in.

Jani