Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Vanessa Michelle]

Good morning ladies! I hope you’re all having a great start to your day! I’m sipping away at my coffee ☕️ while attempting to make a paleo frittata for breakfast. ???

 

[KymmieL]

3 hours ago, Willow said:

 Sorry!  I wish I could come out and be welcomed like is happening but I’m not exactly being welcomed at home and “you coming out is embarrassing to me. “.

I am actually surprised that my wife hasn't said that to me. That is yet. I am not that out to the public yet.

 

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

My Suzie, thinks I should move out and become the woman I feel I am, and doesn't want any part of it. She doesn't believe or trust that, my coming out to her was so she could understand the full parameters of my therapy and honesty with her.

Yep, my wife as well. As I have said. I could never live here and not be with my wife. It would be to hard on my fragile mental state. probably just give it up a beg to come back. It will be hard enough when I have to come back to get anything I left when I move.

 

Waiting on the coffee to warm up. At times the auto off is a pain. Today is my Friday. Nothing planned for the weekend no appointments just me time. between 2 and 3. my son is working swings and leaves around 2 and my wife gets off at 3.

 

Hugs.

 

Kymmie

[LaurenA]

Good morning.  Hot chocolate for me.

 

I consider myself so very lucky having a partner that is not only understanding but also taking an active role in my explorations.  I don't think I could do this if she wasn't

[Willow]

Hi, back from getting my first Pfizer vaccine.  It took an hour from walking in to walking out.  No pain or reaction at least not yet.

 

@Audrey @Mmindy

First I want to assure everyone that nothing was said that I found to be anything but concern and suggestions of help.  Mindy is correct the older you are the harder it is to accept any of this even for the person who is transgender.  We were brought up mocking homosexuality, knowing nothing about transgenders or any of the other members of the “alphabet”  we began to be accepting as we learned about life and differences in all kinds of people.  
 

I still question myself at times.  Now this is when it’s going to get really difficult.  Something I have not shared.  I suggest if you have any feelings that could be upsetting for you, please skip the rest of this post.  I’m serious this is not for people who are deeply troubled!

 

I know this will get lengthy but it has to be.  I felt for many years that I had a mental issue.  A fetish about being or dressing as a woman.  I wanted breasts from about the time I knew girls had breasts. But I hide that from everyone.  I thought if I didn’t stop, God would punish me some way.  
 

so getting help was something I refused to do for many years, it was embarrassing until it got so bad I was desperate.  Desperation is a terrible thing to deal with and while I have never been or felt suicidal, I know many are and my medical team has been concerned about me.  I am frequently asked and get on therapist calendars with priority because of it.  
 

now to my wife, she was angry and lashed out at me when I first told her.  Unfortunately it was a huge relief for me that was a similarly a huge slap in the face to her.  I had tricked her into marrying me and all the other things that so many of us have expressed or experienced.

 

Now comes the most serious concern for me.  My wife has expressed that she believes she has to die to allow Willow to come forth.  She wants me to pray and ask God about that.  She hasn’t mentioned suicide but some form of “natural causes”. For example since I am able to get my vaccine but she is not eligible in South Carolina yet that she will get infected.  She has factors that could make fighting it off very difficult.  And I’m afraid she wouldn’t try.  I feel that God has called on me to help others struggling with being transgender.  But because of that and her emotions and inability to be fully accepting of me, she feels that she has to pass away.  We both know it would be virtually impossible for her to live with either of our children.  Frankly I don’t know that I could either but for different reasons.  That’s for another time.  
 

Yes, it is for my wife, my love for the past 49 years, that I don’t come out fully.  I am mentally ready and coming out is a mental need, not a physical need.  But knowing how hard this would be for her I am doing what I can to not fully come out.  To not be who I need to be, not even within the walls of my home.  She is very good to me in spite of her feelings not about me but about all LGBTQI+.  I know she still loves me, perhaps more now than she has for years.  
 

Everything said here about trying to help acceptance by a spouse is true.  I practice it all and then some.  But this latest revelation about needing to die so Willow can become Willow has really rocked me.  I am trying to get her to see a therapist but part of her depression is our financial difficulties, and seeing a therapist is yet another expense.  I’ve got to get her past that somehow.  I’ll find the money somewhere.  But I’ve got to convince her that God doesn’t want her to die so that I can flourish or do his work that he wants me to do.

 

So, I will gladly listen to suggestions of how to proceed.  But I feel that I must get her into therapy as a first step.

 

love to all

 

Willow

[Elizabeth Star]

I feel like weirdo.  I made fettuccine with red sauce and vegan meatballs for breakfast. 
 

My wife’s having a really bad day, medically, so I took it off from work. 
 

I stared working on my exoskeleton armor costume project again. I’ve already invested hundreds of brain melting hours on designing and printing parts but watching a 3D printer is about as exciting as watching golf. It’s been idle for over a year and last month I got some really pretty colored filament. My followers on Thingiverse are in for a surprise when my next update on it takes a hard turn towards femininity. 
 

 

[LaurenA]

@ElizabethStar  What's the name of your Thingverse channel?  I'm part of a very successful Makerspace in Milwaukee and we have a bunch of 3D printers.  Are you part of any Maker spaces in your area?

[KymmieL]

Well everyone, This girl is doing the happy girl dance.?? I just got a call from my Pharmacist. My meds are on the way. should be here Fri or Sat. He had a good chat with both my Dr's in Denver. 

 

I am so happy, finally after all the up hill battle. I am finally getting my E.

 

Now to keep it from my wife. I will just tell her it is for blood clot maintenance. She won't know. It is the truth ( )

 

Kymmie

[Audrey]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

Well everyone, This girl is doing the happy girl dance.?? I just got a call from my Pharmacist. My meds are on the way. should be here Fri or Sat. He had a good chat with both my Dr's in Denver. 

 

I am so happy, finally after all the up hill battle. I am finally getting my E.

 

Now to keep it from my wife. I will just tell her it is for blood clot maintenance. She won't know. It is the truth ( )

 

Kymmie

Kymmie! This is such wonderful news to read! I'm sharing in your happy dance, I know this has been a long time coming. I look forward to hearing about your HRT experience, get ready... the ride will be a memorable but hopefully joyous one. ?

 

@Willow That is absolutely a lot for you both. My mind and heart are taking some time to reflect on everything you've shared, and if my thoughts as a younger, in-a-committed-but-unmarried-relationship person are helpful to you, I will be happy to give what support I can.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Willow]

@Audrey thanks for your offering of help and support.  That is what we all need.  
 

I do think it is important for younger people to understand how much more difficult it is for us that are older.  We went through the civil rights riots and killings.  We had Woodstock, and peace and love.  Many things became known during the 60s, my teen years.  But it was a very difficult time to live through as well, we had a real threat of total nuclear warfare.  We had Vietnam.  We had the early drug issues, most were not illegal until the late 60s.  You have the results of all that.  We lived it.  As a young person you were either still ultra conservative, unenlightened or you were part of the change.  This is very difficult for us to understand and accept.

 

by all means, I invite you to offer and share your thoughts.  That goes for everyone here.

 

Willow

[Elizabeth Star]

@KymmieLThat is fantastic news. You really deserve a win.

[Willow]

@KymmieL I understand your desire for secrecy about your new medications. But what are you going to say when she sees them or changes brought about by them?  What if things begin to work out, how are you going to explain without destroying your relationship progress?  
 

it’s none of my business how you choose to proceed but I suggest you consider the possibility of your wife mellowing and where this could go should you practice deception now.

 

Good luck with your choice and with the medications.

 

Willow

[Ivy]

@WillowI am sorry to hear of your situation.   Although my wife and I split before I accepted that I was trans myself, I still love her, and I'm sure I always will.  I don't think that connection will ever be broken.

It must be heartbreaking to hear her talking like this.

I so wish that we could all get past these issues and just love each other for who we are.  There is always hope, I have to believe this.

 

@KymmieL Like Willow has said, eventually this will come out, as I'm sure you are aware.

I hope things will work out for you.

[Mmindy]

Good afternoon everyone,

 

@Audreyyour comments, insight, and perspective are always welcome. I take no offense. @Willow is the better orator to explain things from our generational view and long marriages. @Jandiis also someone who's experiences I hope to lean on as my transition progresses.

 

@ElizabethStarit has always been my view that if you're not the one cooking. Don't judge, this ain't Chopped and Martha Stewart isn't coming over. You're the caregiver today and the menu is your choice.

 

@KymmieLCongratulations on getting your medication issues worked out.

 

I really do look forward to reading this thread, Thanks again @KymmieLfor starting it.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Jackie C.]

10 hours ago, Willow said:

I wish I could come out and be welcomed like is happening but I’m not exactly being welcomed at home and “you coming out is embarrassing to me. “.

 

I can be pretty flamboyant and spontaneous. I'm pretty sure my spouse is WELL beyond being embarrassed by anything I do. Well, anything I'm likely to do that won't get me arrested.

 

5 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Pharmacist. My meds are on the way. should be here Fri or Sat. He had a good chat with both my Dr's in Denver. 

 

Huzzah! I'm glad your doctors have their issues worked out. Probably a good idea to keep it quiet from your spouse though. I can TOTALLY see her tossing your E out of spite.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

Well it's a no go on the analyst position.  I didn't have the qualifications they where looking for. I am thinking more BLM than LGBTQ.  Even though that is what they advertised for. 

 

Not sure that my wife wouldn't throw it away. Jackie. She has done it before. There is a position with V.S. that I may apply for.  And there is a service dispatcher for a  Cat dealer also. 

 

Kymmie 

[Audrey]

Dear Willow, Mindy, and all... thank you for your compassion and inclusion. I am a Gen X'er myself. I constantly strive to understand the experiences of those both older and younger than me. My job challenges me to do this on a daily basis. I consider cross-generational understanding essential to my coming out and journey forward, because people like my parents and coworkers are will see me and the concept of being transgender and transitioning through a different generational lens.

 

So I needed to understand why what was shared today affected me so much. Had a good long cry if I'm being truthful... 

10 hours ago, Willow said:

I felt for many years that I had a mental issue.  A fetish about being or dressing as a woman.  I wanted breasts from about the time I knew girls had breasts. But I hide that from everyone.  I thought if I didn’t stop, God would punish me some way.

I know this hiding place all too well. I lived in it for most of my life, really forever, until only recently. The idea that what I was feeling could be minimized into a disorder, a paraphilia, or a perversion even, meant that no one could ever know. Punishment did come, quite literally, when I came out of hiding and got caught. Survival meant repressing and denying this to anyone, including myself. This brings an intense pain I believe we all can relate to. As a result, the worst punishment was always in my head. The endless negative self-talk drove me to the darkest depths of depression and to the brink of suicide. Which brings me to...

 

10 hours ago, Willow said:

Now comes the most serious concern for me.  My wife has expressed that she believes she has to die to allow Willow to come forth.  She wants me to pray and ask God about that.  She hasn’t mentioned suicide but some form of “natural causes”.

I share your deep concern about your wife. This must undoubtedly be weighing heavily on both of your hearts and minds and causing so much anguish. That said, I think it's wonderful that you're so attuned to your wife's needs and adapt yourself to meet them when her need is greatest. I imagine she feels this from you. In a sense I think she is attuned to your own needs too, it's just that her way of expressing that via altruistic suicidal ideation and self-sacrifice is deeply troubling. I'm hopeful that you and she can have open conversations about those feelings, whether with a therapist as you hope, or with other supportive people in your lives, or just the two of you together. I can sense the strength of your love and marriage from your writing!

 

The other thing that this conversation brought up for me today was my deep-rooted fear that my partner could decide to end our relationship at any point. Whatever the expressed reason, I would assume it was because I'm transgender. I'm working hard to overcome this insecurity but it does overwhelm my emotions at times (like today).

 

These are pretty heavy thoughts and feelings for the coffee thread. Can I offer everyone a (masked) supportive group hug? ?

 

Love,

~Audrey.

 

[Vanessa Michelle]

Holy wow I missed a lot by not logging in until now! ?

[Vanessa Michelle]

@AudreyI'll take the ?  any day with our without the mask ❤️

[Vanessa Michelle]

@WillowWow, I am sorry you battle those feelings. That had got to be super difficult! As you know, God most certainly doe not want your wife to die, and that does not need to happen in order for you to fully live as your authentic self. God made you and her and you are both exactly what he wanted you to be. This situation doesn't change that. I am praying for you both through this, that he will take the pain and feeling that she is what's stopping you away and replace it with his amazing love and acceptance for her. Also, for you to experience his love like never before. I honor you for your bravery in posting those feelings and struggles here today. That must have taken a lot of strength and trust to do so. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for trusting us and allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. God bless you sister ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Elizabeth Star]

 

4 hours ago, KymmieL said:

And there is a service dispatcher for a  Cat dealer also

Cat dealer? Intriguing, tell me more.?

 

I was beginning think today wasn't going to end. I had to run and pick up a script for my wife. On the way home I stopped off to pick up some spanx. I thought I would give them a try to help conceal things and open up more clothing options for me. They do help quit a bit but I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thong thing. Exposed! That's how I feel wearing a thong. While I was shopping I knew what I was looking for but couldn't find 'em. Luckily there was actually someone working in that department so I asked her for help. I must look better than my mirror says I do. She didn't bat-an-eye, give a second look or anything. Just one of the girls. It felt so nice. The young guy at the resister on the other hand.... He didn't say anything or look at me weird either but did start turning a little red as he was trying to find the bar code to scan. Making things worse for him, that 2 pack of thong spanx was all I bought. I feel like I have a mini-mission now. Embarrass a cashier with my purchase.

 

When I got home there was more furniture, in boxes, wait to be assembled at the end of my driveway. When I was about halfway done with one piece another package showed up. It was the missing pieces for Our water filter. That causes a home depot run for some supplies to get it installed. I've concluded that if I'm out shopping at a boys-club place and a guy asks to help....take it. It makes guy feel special when you do.

 

I managed to get the filter installed and working. Wife cannot complain  the water stinks anymore. Then off to assemble flat packed furniture. I got two 5 drawer chest and a night sand. I have more to do on the flat pack Furniture but It's going to wait.

 

Have a good night everyone.                                                 

[Abi]

15 hours ago, Willow said:

I wish I could come out and be welcomed like is happening but I’m not exactly being welcomed at home and “you coming out is embarrassing to me. “. Anybody got a got answer for that?  I’ll be back later when I’m awake.

My ex called me an embarrassment to talk about at all. We never even talked about anything relating to coming out. I had worked two jobs and been doing all the housework for years while I helped her get two degrees. My efforts were all to her benefit and whenever I asked for anything at all..." It's not a good time, right now." I had taken years of that kind of stuff and worse before I decided there was no path for us to walk together any longer. I am forever heartbroken and jaded by my experience. I put up with waiting for it to be a good time to be happy and never getting that for so long that I feel like I'll never have anything to offer to a relationship again. I hope none of you with spouse's ever have to feel like I do about relationships. I encourage all attempts to make that work. My loneliness tears me apart daily and the few connections I have with people that care about me as much as I care about them are fading. 

 

I hope you're able to see better days together. I wouldn't wish the feelings of self doubt or loneliness on anyone. I have no answer that will help. If anything, I would say don't let anyone beat you down for who you are. Sorry for ranting and being no help.

[Vanessa Michelle]

Dang @Abi I'm sorry you had such an experience with your ex! It sounds like your commitment to her was great, as it should be, but she wasn't able or wiling to reciprocate. So sorry. You will see better days too girl, don't give up on that. Now may suck, but things won't always ❤️ On a lighter note, it's always great to see another one of us lives in Illinois. It feels good knowing I am not alone here every time I see the state flag under somebody's name. ❤️

[Willow]

Hi, I know it’s late but like some others I can’t sleep.  Partly because I can’t do anything but sit around right now  partly because this huge wrap around my foot is uncomfortable to say the least.

 

thanks for all the thoughts of concern for my wife and I. You know something I have learned through my ordeal is sharing or unloading your concerns makes the load lighter.  I do wish I’d understood myself much younger and been brave enough to tell at least my mother.  I don’t know how different things would be today but they would be different.  
 

yes, I am sure we are both concerned about the other. I don’t want to be an embarrassment for my wife or myself.  I do believe there is something I am to do.  I realize most people don’t share my beliefs, but I KNOW God or his Angel has spoken directly to me several times.  Our minister believes me but admits he has never been spoken to directly.  My wife studies her Bible everyday and she has never been spoken to, so why me?  Al I can say is there is something I have to do still, he told me last year during lent.

 

my wife does her level best to accept me and allow me to be me.  And similarly I do my best not to push her or anything that would cause her to withdraw.  We are both relatively shy people, except Willow is not shy. Dead me wore dark blue, black or brown.  Willow wears bold colors. Yellow, pink, baby blue .  So Willow is a very different person than I was.  Willow likes wearing makeup but not outlandish eyes.  I used to not like being kissed with lipstick not I like wearing it.  Strange.

 

anyway. I have to figure out how to convince my wife that no one wants or needs her to die.  And can’t just ask god to tell me something it doesn’t work that way.

 

good night

 

Willow

[Abi]

2 hours ago, Vanessa Michelle said:

 I'm sorry you had such an experience with your ex!

I never yelled or said mean things ever. I was happy being a homemaker as long as the hurtful comments weren't coming but, they grew as the years went by. I just shut off when the feelings of being worthless were amplified through screaming and manipulation. I am better than when I first got out a bit but, it haunts me so.

 

Illinois is not the worst place to be trans and maybe it will get better everywhere in quick fashion. Biden's first day seems promising in that regard.

 

Thanks for your kindness,

Abi

[Chloe Cozee]

Good Morning to everyone! I am dragging this morning, coffee in hand preparing to go to work. Have a wonderful and safe day!