Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Bri2020]

@KathyLauren I love it! And the long lost friendship rekindled.

[Elizabeth Star]

Ugh, it finally happened. I wasn't feeling too good yesterday but I just attributed it to the go, go, go nature of my life and thought I was getting burned out. At work this morning a coworker pointed out that I looked and sounded a little on the sick side so anyways, took a test, I've got Covid. Now I'm out of work for the week.

[Ivy]

5 minutes ago, Elizabeth Star said:

I've got Covid. Now I'm out of work for the week.

Hope you feel better soon

[Bri2020]

@Elizabeth StarI hope it is only a mild case and you get back to yourself soon.  This variant is seriously getting around.

[CD Rachel]

Admins, if there is TMI then please feel free to edit or delete as needed.

 

Hi everyone. I wanted to share some more about my trip to New Hope. On the last episode of The Adventures of Rachel. Rachel went to New Hope and attended the Pride parade and festivities. Later that evening….

 

So I got out my new LBD and went to a party at the New Hope Clarion. I was very nervous and almost convinced my self to turn back several times. Good thing I did not turn back. When I go to the Hotel the party was very well attended and there was already a large crowd on the dance floor. I remember thinking to myself that this just might be the right place to find Mr. Right.

 

After getting my drink I started wondering about looking for an open table to park myself until I had enough liquid courage to get dancing. As I approached a lone booth against the back wall (The only table in the venue that was unoccupied) the three occupants of the adjacent booth waved my over and asked me to join them. I noted two females and one male, so I altered course and planted myself next to one of the women. She immediately introduced herself to me as Marie (All names changed to protect the innocent) and her two companions as Shannon and Mark.  I had them all pegged as in their late twenties to early thirties.

 

Any way moving along in the abbreviated version Marie and I hit it off great. Marie is a trans woman and Shannon is Lesbian. Mark soon excused himself and wondered off, apparently he was another total stranger to Marie and Shannon that they just invited over. Shannon soon stepped away as Marie informed me that she was hoping to meet someone that night.

 

So Marie is just fantastic. The more we talked the more the fascinated I became with her. We talked about so many different topics and she was so fun to be around. At some point the conversation had just sputtered to a halt and we were cuddling close when… Well I kissed the girl. And yes I liked it. She told me I was beautiful!!!! Well skipping ahead. Marie and I wound up sleeping in together at my hotel and missing the Hotel breakfast. We hung out together the rest of the day on Sunday. We met many different people and had fun together until I had to leave. Parting from her was very difficult. It was just one of those times that I wished could have stretched into eternity. I gifted her my stuffed bunny that Rachel gave to Rachel as a gift. Rachel wanted Marie to have some part of me with her. I sobbed all the way home. I did text her but I honestly do not expect a response.

 

I do not think that Marie was looking for anything more than a fun evening. There was nothing promised, nothing asked for.  Marie was 24 years old and already a post op trans woman. I was 55 and just beginning my transition. When we were together it was as two women would be together. So I guess that this would count as my first lesbian experience. I also see that I give my heart away too easily. It was a fantastic experience and one that I will never forget. There was a connection between us that was uncanny. But how can I feel like my heart is breaking for someone that I knew for less than 24 hours?. I am still crying….. What a foolish (Stupid) girl I am.

 

Rachel

 

 

 

[Ivy]

20 minutes ago, CD Rachel said:

What a foolish (Stupid) girl I am.

I don't know about that…

 

Sounds like a good time.

[Bri2020]

25 minutes ago, CD Rachel said:

But how can I feel like my heart is breaking for someone that I knew for less than 24 hours?. I am still crying….. What a foolish (Stupid) girl I am.

 

Rachel

 

It sounds like it was an amazing night! Try to remember, most of us are like teenagers when it comes to dating/relationships as our new selves.  It's all so exciting but also so hard. Give yourself some self love. Maybe her role was simply to let you know you are desirable and there are people out there who will be attracted to you and vice versa.  

[Ivy]

4 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

Maybe her role was simply to let you know you are desirable and there are people out there who will be attracted to you and vice versa.  

This is a nice thought

[CD Rachel]

@Jandi

Oh Jandi yes it was a wonderful, wonderful time. She made me feel so alive. I felt as if she had brought me back to life. But how does some one sleep with someone and then just go their separate ways. I feel like I gave  up a piece of my soul.

 

@Bri2020 

5 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

Maybe her role was simply to let you know you are desirable and there are people out there who will be attracted to you and vice versa.  

 

Thank you Bri, Those words do help. 

 

I have not stopped crying at all during the past 24 hour. I feel like such an idiot. 

 

[Elizabeth Star]

I got a Quest times VR the other day. Found out i can stop in and check TP while im here.

[Becoming Diana]

I think this is my new favorite photo of myself.  My wife went out for the day, shopping and eating out.  I had hoped I could pass but judging from the stares I got I guess I don't.  I still feel so feminine.  They can't take that away from me.

[Heather Nicole]

@CD Rachel Squeeeee!!!! OMG, Congrats! I do understand the complicated "after feelings", very much so! (some kind of girl's "good time"-hangover, maybe?? I don't know, I can definitely relate, but I'm still struggling to understand it myself, too). Emotions can be complicated and confusing, so try not to be too hard on yourself about it, and at the very least be willing to accept the good: For however long it may have lasted, it sounds like you at least got to have a total blast!!! 🎉🎉🎉 Nothing ever wrong or guilty about some good memories!

 

6 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

I have not stopped crying at all during the past 24 hour. I feel like such an idiot. 

 

Nobody's ever an idiot for crying! Anything that touches us deep, deep down inside is all that tears are ever about!

 

@Elizabeth Star My VR unfortunately isn't quite as convenient as the Quest, but if you, or anyone else here, ever wants to connect in VR Chat or anything else, just private/direct message me!

 

@Becoming Diana That's a very good photo! You look cis-fem to me!

[Susan R]

@CD Rachel What a wonderful memory (and story)…no matter what the future outcome might be. I’m so glad you took a chance and decided to go. This experience will make your decision to attend these type of events so much easier next time around.

[Ivy]

10 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

But how does some one sleep with someone and then just go their separate ways.

I do get this.  I haven't "been with" anyone since my ex and I split.

I think I could, but emotional involvement would certainly be important.

[Bri2020]

10 hours ago, Becoming Diana said:

I think this is my new favorite photo of myself.  My wife went out for the day, shopping and eating out.  I had hoped I could pass but judging from the stares I got I guess I don't.  I still feel so feminine.  They can't take that away from me.

 

I would suggest looking for other people's reactions. Focus on the fact that you feel feminine. That's what matters. You are going to filter people's stares through a lens of insecurity about your looks. This isn't a trans thing, many people do it. example:  Having a bad hair day- "oh my god, everyone can see my ugly hair". 

Hopefully, at a certain point you just don't care whether you "pass" or not.  I made the mental switch when I realized there is no way people are not going to stare at a 6' redhead walking past, cis or trans.  

For the record, you look great.  Own it!

[Tellington]

 @CD Rachel I think I can relate, as someone who has a tendency to get attached quickly. Please let us know if you hear from Marie again!

 

It's almost 2pm here and I just got out of my therapy session. We talked about my parents then made my EMDR restoration team. I have Willow and Giles from Buffy, my best friend and Kurt Cobain in it.

[Willow]

Good morning 

 

boy am I tired of being stuck on this boat day and night.  It was a nice boat once, very nice.  But alas, she wasn’t cared for for about 10 years and that took its toll.  At least we have it now and it was a God sent gift.  Obviously knew we were going to need it.

 

we’ve talked about selling it when we don’t need it but I have very mixed feelings about that.  After being on it all this time I am tired of it.  However, I haven’t gotten to do the things I wanted since I got it fixed.  I guess we will see what’s next when it happens.

 

@Becoming Diana I think we are all self conscious when we start going out in public.  And doing so alone is probably not the best way to start.  With your wife or someone else who can remind you how to look, walk and everything female takes eyes off you and you’ll feel better.  The other suggestion would be don’t pay any attention to them.  If you look for it, you’ll see it.  If you don’t, you won’t care.

 

@CD Rachel sounds like you had a great time.  Just remember that and whether it was a one night stand or she eventually contacts you, just remember what a great time you had.

 

My wife went to lunch with a friend yesterday.  Ostensibly to tell her about me because she is a church friend and once we get in the condo, we intend to start going again.  I said, I thought she already knew, but my wife insisted she did not.  Well, she did.  My wife lost sleep for nothing.  Me I lose sleep over worrying about the condo closing and my arrest.  I am really concerned about both.

 

yes, I have always been an over thinker and worry wort

 

Well that’s all for today.  Except I always check in later for anything new and exciting or comments I should reply to.

 

hugs

 

Willow

[Mmindy]

Good morning everyone,

 

I've been drinking hotel coffee, and fire academy coffee for the last eight days. Teaching in Annapolis, MD for their Special Ops/Hazmat Team. Then it was up to Chester Co. PA to repeat the same training Saturday and Sunday. Drove home on Monday. So this morning it was refreshing to wake up in my bed with my fur animals wanting to know where I've been for the last week. Amy and Sheldon are cats, and Amy has chosen me as her favorite human. Today will be a day of unpacking, laundry, and getting back into a work from home routine, as well as mow the lawn.

I'm not going to be able to catch up on all the subject I missed in the last week.

 

So it's a blanket covering good morning coffee toast:

 

Good morning and welcome to all the new folks that have joined TransgenderPulseForums. >HUGS<

 

I'm sad if you're sad.

I'm happy if you're happy.

Life is a Team Event and we're all here to help one another.

You are Worthy, Valued, and Loved.

 

Coffee HOT, black, and Strong,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

 

 

[Bri2020]

Yesterday was my first day in my new career of real estate and I am officially overwhelmed. lol. I'm good at business having run my own for 16 years but it was never a "sales driven" business.  The level of organization of all the people in my sphere of influence and the software tools to keep me engaged and on track is all new to me.  I've never had to really use a CRM (customer relationship management) tool to this level before.  It's exciting but I can tell that my life for the next few months will be very detail oriented work.

Today I finally go to the dentist for a deep 2 hour cleaning and exam/consult to correct a lifetime of neglect and dental avoidance behavior.  I have a pathological fear of them so just getting a cleaning takes 2 valium to keep me from freaking out and throwing the dentist against a wall (yes that has happened). It didn't matter to me before my transition that my teeth were stained and cavity ridden/missing.  I never smiled. Probably because I was self conscious of their appearance as well as the fact that I just generally wasn't happy or emotive.  Now I smile ALL the time.  Also, new profession is very image based.  I got a 5 figure tax refund which I set aside for mouth restoration.  I will use every bit of it and not get everything fixed in all likelihood.

I'm starting to sweat just thinking/writing about this.  I probably am getting 3 implants on my upper front to match the other 3 already there. Other than that, I'm sure I have half a dozen cavities and or crowns to repair. I feel like this year has been nothing but pain and my ability to tolerate it is slowly but surely evaporating.  I had electrolysis yesterday and barely got through the hour whereas last year I could sleep through it. 

[Marcie Jensen]

13 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

I am still crying….. What a foolish (Stupid) girl I am.

 

Hi @CD Rachel, I can't add much to what everyone else has said. Good memories are to be cherished. Always. As to crying, well, you're in good company. Here's a couple of examples: The shortest verse in the Bible consists of two words: "Jesus Wept." Second, and my useless degree in Medieval History comes into play here, the Normans--those sons and daughters of Scandinavia; some of the toughest people to ever walk the earth--who conquered Normandy, England, Sicily, about half of Greece and led the First Crusade would not trust anyone who would not cry. They claimed that anyone who would not show their emotions by crying was dishonest and a coward.  So cry long and hard, sister. Whenever you need to. IMHO, you're in pretty good company!

[stveee]

Speaking of interpersonal relations, I kinda put ice on the thing that was going between the black trans girl and I. It was flattering and exciting at first, then as I got to dig deeper.... well, I just had the feeling she desires a cis male and that "format"  .Especially after I basically ended up paying for everything.

In the meantime, hung out a couple times with a gorgeous (I am assuming) younger bi woman that I had to keep myself from getting too enthusiastic over. She is simultaneously dating an older cis male, so it's very friendly and we are just hanging together and I am just playing it cool. 

Then, I started talking with another trans girl who also performed at my recent gig. (Pics following later). So I wanted to get out more, and if I don't totally foul up, at least I have a few people to do things with. 

[CD Rachel]

Hello every one.

 

I want to thank everyone for the support and advice. I do feel a bit calmer today and the memories have moved to bitter sweet instead of painful. I will not say more on the subject right now as my emotions are just still too raw and close to the surface.

 

But in other news, the hits just keep coming. My wife had stopped over after work today to pick up somethings that she had left here. During our conversation she brings up that there is something on her mind that she wants to tell me. She asked if I intend to continue with this transition stuff. She then tells me that there will be family who will probably not support me and that she expects this to create a giant rift between me and my son. That this could divide our family. She tells me how selfish I am being for putting my own happiness before everyone else's. When i told her I felt like I HAD to transition to be happy and my true self. She said that is my CHOICE to be selfish it is not something that I need to do.

 

So yes, I am selfish for wanting to be my true self and wanting to be happy.

 

I am so glad that I had all of my guns removed from my house as I have certainly been thinking how a .45 cent lead slug could solve all of my problems. But I have been down this path already and I refuse to give up. So to hell with anyone who gets in my way. I am choosing MY happiness this time!!! Damn the torpedoes full speed ahead!

 

Gosh that was fun to say. I feel better already.

 

Rachel

 

[KymmieL]

@CD Rachel I have seen my wife saying the very same thing to me. That I am not thinking about our sons or our grandkids. On the contrary they are always on my mind. as they are the only thing has kept me alive, this long.

 

I just wish I could let someone else feel what I feel. down to the bone, to see just why we are wanting to change.

 

Kymmie

[CD Rachel]

51 minutes ago, Hannah Renee said:

But I - WE - deserve to have at least part of our lives to truly be our own selves.

 

Yes! Yes, YES! To be our authentic selves! To allow our selves to find our own happiness! We are singing the songs of OUR people! I am Transgender and I am proud. Wooot Wooot.

 

Nothing wrong with some shared encouragement.

 

Rachel

[Ticket For Epic]

Okay, it seems my social tendancies/anxieties extend to forums as well.  Sigh...   I have have tendency to do really well with strangers but once a certain invisible line is crossed, I head for the hills.  So this is me peeking my little head out again before I lose my nerve.  I've been lurking and checking in on ya'll and am glad to see that overall most of you seem to be doing well enough.  I've hit the wall and am going to go curl up with my pup.  Yes, we spoon every night under the blankets!   I've the best canine companion ever!  

Much luv