Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Heather Nicole]

4 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

She asked if I intend to continue with this transition stuff. She then tells me that there will be family who will probably not support me and that she expects this to create a giant rift between me and my son. That this could divide our family. She tells me how selfish I am being for putting my own happiness before everyone else's.

 

First of all, sorry to hear about this 😧

 

I've noticed this kind of response seems to be, unfortunately, a fairly common pattern. But here's what I find, umm..."interesting"(?) about it: From what I understand (and maybe I'm wrong!) Typically, it's more Asian cultures which tend to be associated with "we shouldn't cause problems for the people we care about" and "place the group ahead of the self". Meanwhile, it's more the western world (especially the US) that's typically associated with rugged individualism, "me before you", or "it's hard to be of much use to others when your own needs aren't being met". Don't get me wrong, I think there is validity, pros and cons to both, either way. But what I find especially striking is that, right here in the western "individualism" society, as soon as an "individual's" needs lie beyond a "group-sanctioned tradition" (extra emphasis on "tradition"), all of a sudden, the game gets flipped into reverse-mode and you have western/US society members practically screaming in favor of total, flat-out anti-individualism and social conformity: "Sacrifice yourself for your group!".

 

Cue my best trenchcoat-clad Colombo impersonation: "It just...doesn't make any sense ta me."

 

[Heather Nicole]

1 hour ago, Ticket For Epic said:

Okay, it seems my social tendancies/anxieties extend to forums as well.  Sigh...   I have have tendency to do really well with strangers but once a certain invisible line is crossed, I head for the hills.  So this is me peeking my little head out again before I lose my nerve.  I've been lurking and checking in on ya'll and am glad to see that overall most of you seem to be doing well enough.  I've hit the wall and am going to go curl up with my pup.  Yes, we spoon every night under the blankets!   I've the best canine companion ever!  

Much luv

 

For what it's worth, even though it might not sound like it (I go to lengths to not sound like it) I have major social anxiety and rejection sensitivity, too. I think most people here would probably be surprised how often I freak out over my own posts here on TGPulse.

 

Just for example, I have very little doubt that when I wake up tomorrow, I'll most likely be freaking out on the inside over this very post I'm writing now, and also the previous post I made, and all the many ways I may have unknowingly screwed them up, overshared, ruined, or humiliated myself. And then I'll curse myself for once again sticking my neck out enough to...go and open my big fat mouth...in "public"...again! Which of course probably begs the question, why am I even writing this in the first place? Well, let's just say that I do NOT recommend my own compensation technique - It's not healthy, and not worth the struggle.

 

My main point ultimately being...Because I recognize that I'm in much the same place, I hope I can express to you that, believe me, you are FAR from alone in feeling that way! Undoubtedly in much better company than you realize.

 

(Now if only I can get the the same message across to myself! 😋 )

[Mary]

So maybe it's because of my age and the fact that the frontal lobes of my brain are probably shrinking.

 

I have 2 adult sons. I haven't yet come out to them, but frankly, they have their own lives to live, as do I. I would be very sad if they reacted badly, but It's their problem. On the other hand, I have always been a bit "otherwise" - if someone says "white", I say "black". I have always swum against the current.

 

The person I am most concerned about is my wife. She is also my very best friend. She half-knows, but not officially. So when the time is right I will have to have a long discussion with her. For the rest of the world.....  at this age I am emotionally and financially independent. Very fortunate in that way. I would like all my friends and family to stay close and supportive, but I guess that also depends to a certain extent on how I handle it. After all these decades of "kind-of" fitting in, I suppose a year or 2 longer will not make a difference, especially if I can find some time on my own to express myself.

 

Confusing. But, hey, that's life. Confusing, difficult. My childhood issues I see as ancient history. Sure there were very big problems (not as big as some others here), but I have been able to let those go, and live my life the best way I can. 

 

So this is yet another obstacle in many years of dealing with obstacles. Let's see if I can manage this one. I'll either have to go over it or around it.

 

(Sorry for the rambling.....it's the old brain rot setting in!)

 

Hugs to all.

[Tellington]

Astronomical dresses are my JAM, it's so amazing!

 

Too many things to do today, I feel lazy...

[KathyLauren]

19 minutes ago, Ertha said:

OH that is BEAUTIFUL and you look BEAUTIFUL in it!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!  I have no idea what it looked like before your alterations, but WOW it fits STELLAR!!!

Thanks!

 

The alterations weren't major.  I took in the arm holes a bit to show less bra.  (That was the reason my friend didn't want it any more.)  I couldn't take them in too much or it would have been too tight across the shoulders.  And I shortened it by 5 inches.  The hem was tricky because of the flare of the dress, but it turned out well.

[Ticket For Epic]

@Heather Nicole    Thank you, that helped and meant a lot.

 

[Jackie C.]

13 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

But in other news, the hits just keep coming. My wife had stopped over after work today to pick up somethings that she had left here. During our conversation she brings up that there is something on her mind that she wants to tell me. She asked if I intend to continue with this transition stuff. She then tells me that there will be family who will probably not support me and that she expects this to create a giant rift between me and my son. That this could divide our family. She tells me how selfish I am being for putting my own happiness before everyone else's. When i told her I felt like I HAD to transition to be happy and my true self. She said that is my CHOICE to be selfish it is not something that I need to do.

 

13 hours ago, KymmieL said:

@CD Rachel I have seen my wife saying the very same thing to me. That I am not thinking about our sons or our grandkids. On the contrary they are always on my mind. as they are the only thing has kept me alive, this long.

 

What utterly repugnant people. Transitioning is an act of self-love. Both your spouses are saying, "I don't want you to be happy because it goes against my beliefs/makes me look bad/whatever." Projection. In an actual loving relationship you actually WANT the people you care about to be happy. I am extremely disappointed in both your spouses and any other family members who choose to reject you.

The honest truth is that transitioning effects you and your finances. The people around you choose how they're going to react. I'm sorry that both of you have family that has chosen poorly. I cannot imagine choosing to make someone continue to marinate in their dysphoria. That's cruelty beyond anything I've ever been capable of.

 

It's true that sometimes when we transition, we discover that there are people in our lives who don't love us as much as we thought they did. Certainly not unconditionally. It's sad. It hurts. Afterwards though, you find people who actually do love you for you. They like seeing you happy. They love spending time with you.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

4 hours ago, Mary said:

at this age I am emotionally and financially independent. Very fortunate in that way.

I have found that this is an advantage myself.  For one thing I don't have to worry about losing my job or stuff like that.

And it was partly being separated from my ex that gave me the freedom to reexamine my gender issues that went way back.

[Ivy]

6 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

It's true that sometimes when we transition, we discover that there are people in our lives who don't love us as much as we thought they did. Certainly not unconditionally. It's sad. It hurts. Afterwards though, you find people who actually do love you for you. They like seeing you happy. They love spending time with you.

It's not like you become a different person.  You are still who you always were.  

Apparently, it wasn't actually you that they loved - only their idea of what they wanted you to be.

[KymmieL]

17 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

What utterly repugnant people. Transitioning is an act of self-love. Both your spouses are saying, "I don't want you to be happy because it goes against my beliefs/makes me look bad/whatever." Projection. In an actual loving relationship you actually WANT the people you care about to be happy.

My wife has gone as far as saying. I could never walk down the street with you as a woman.  She sees it as an affliction. (if that is the proper word for it) like alcoholism. Saying I need to work a program. But why? I don't know.

 

Hugs

Kymmie 

[Jackie C.]

Just now, KymmieL said:

My wife has gone as far as saying. I could never walk down the street with you as a woman.  She sees it as an affliction. (if that is the proper word for it) like alcoholism. Saying I need to work a program. But why? I don't know.

 

Hugs

Kymmie 

 

Neat. Conversion therapy doesn't work, does irreparable harm and is illegal (most places?) in the US. She doesn't like the way YOU reflect on HER. Kymmie is not the person she married. She was in love (maybe, I have a VERY sour opinion of your wife at this point) with your façade. If you can't pretend to be the person she married, she wants nothing to do with you. It's not you. It's 100% her wanting to control you and your life. She does not care about your happiness. She does not care about your well-being or your mental health. She wants the old you and for absolutely nothing to change. She will continue to punish you every time you do something that she sees as "out of line."

Why? Because she's being selfish. In my book that's not love. Love isn't selfish. She cannot accept who her partner is and does not want to meet the person you could become if you were allowed to do what you know you need to do. Your happiness is irrelevant to her. Only her happiness matters. She's using the kids like a bludgeon to keep you in line because she knows that you love them. That isn't even a little bit healthy.

She's going to continue being awful to you until you either drive your bike off a cliff or you leave her. I've cut family members off. The door is open if they want to come back and be respectful, but if they can't accept the person that I actually am, they can bugger right off. I have people in my life that actually love me. I don't have room in my life to waste on people who don't.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

44 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Neat. Conversion therapy doesn't work, does irreparable harm and is illegal (most places?) in the US. She doesn't like the way YOU reflect on HER. Kymmie is not the person she married. She was in love (maybe, I have a VERY sour opinion of your wife at this point) with your façade. If you can't pretend to be the person she married, she wants nothing to do with you. It's not you. It's 100% her wanting to control you and your life. She does not care about your happiness. She does not care about your well-being or your mental health. She wants the old you and for absolutely nothing to change. She will continue to punish you every time you do something that she sees as "out of line."

Why? Because she's being selfish. In my book that's not love. Love isn't selfish. She cannot accept who her partner is and does not want to meet the person you could become if you were allowed to do what you know you need to do. Your happiness is irrelevant to her. Only her happiness matters. She's using the kids like a bludgeon to keep you in line because she knows that you love them. That isn't even a little bit healthy.

She's going to continue being awful to you until you either drive your bike off a cliff or you leave her. I've cut family members off. The door is open if they want to come back and be respectful, but if they can't accept the person that I actually am, they can bugger right off. I have people in my life that actually love me. I don't have room in my life to waste on people who don't.

 

Hugs!

That was when I first came out. I think she is trying, albeit minimal at best.  But you are so correct she doesn't want me to change in any way, shape, or form. She wants the person she married almost 37 yrs ago to stay as I am. She has never once wanted to hear anything about Kymmie.  Not even if she is exactly like the man she married.

 

Hugs, Jackie. Thanks

 

 

Kymmie

[Jackie C.]

3 minutes ago, KymmieL said:

That was when I first came out. I think she is trying, albeit minimal at best.  But you are so correct she doesn't want me to change in any way, shape, or form. She wants the person she married almost 37 yrs ago to stay as I am. She has never once wanted to hear anything about Kymmie.  Not even if she is exactly like the man she married.

 

Hugs, Jackie. Thanks

 

 

Kymmie

 

Sweetie, you sound miserable. I want you to not be miserable. You deserve to not be miserable. Think about that for me, OK?

 

Hugs!

[Willow]

Good. Morning.

 

Yesterday was a complete bummer.  Does anyone still say “bummer” anymore?  Anyway, found out the condo did not pass inspection.  The major issue was electrical issues.  Lights that wouldn’t turn on, things like that.  Anyway we check out our unit to find holes in the ceiling and wall.  By the end of the day, most have been patched and they hope to get the inspector back again today and get the CO.  
 

Combine that with a number of other things going on in my life and I haven’t been sleeping well.  On the way home, I stopped at the ABC store.  I bought a bottle of Bushmills Black label.  My wife got some premixed peach margarita.  I had run out of Bushmills about a year ago but didn’t replace it.  But it was too much and I wanted to loosen up.

 

Anyway, I got the most sleep I’ve had in days.  
 

Regarding doing what others want or demand ahead of your own needs.  I am somewhat conflicted here.  One one side, I now know what I need and that I need this for my own self preservation.  On the other hand I have tried to follow the path of “I’m third”.  I went to a YMCA summer camp and later was a counselor there.  On the back side of the large sign over the main entrance was that saying.  The meaning was” God is first, the other guy is second and I am third!”  I thought that was a good thing to practice and I’ve tried to the best of my ability to live by that.  
 

But as we all know, there comes a time when we have no choice but to put ourselves second.  That’s the conflict being discussed here today.  I don’t have any answers for this conflict.  You can’t move forward without putting yourself ahead of some others, but you don’t want to push them aside either.  Compromise some times is us compromising our needs to not lose our family.  
 

For those of us who are fortunate enough that compromise works both ways, we eventually work things out where we can meet our needs while not pushing family and friends aside.  Honestly, I didn’t realize just how many old friends I have until I came out.  I expected to be ignored but have experienced anything but that.

 

I hope you are all able to eventually make that happen as well.

 

hugs and love

 

Willow

[Marcie Jensen]

4 minutes ago, Willow said:

 

Regarding doing what others want or demand ahead of your own needs.  I am somewhat conflicted here.  One one side, I now know what I need and that I need this for my own self preservation.  On the other hand I have tried to follow the path of “I’m third”.  I went to a YMCA summer camp and later was a counselor there.  On the back side of the large sign over the main entrance was that saying.  The meaning was” God is first, the other guy is second and I am third!”  I thought that was a good thing to practice and I’ve tried to the best of my ability to live by that.  
 

But as we all know, there comes a time when we have no choice but to put ourselves second.  That’s the conflict being discussed here today.  I don’t have any answers for this conflict.  You can’t move forward without putting yourself ahead of some others, but you don’t want to push them aside either.  Compromise some times is us compromising our needs to not lose our family.  
 

For those of us who are fortunate enough that compromise works both ways, we eventually work things out where we can meet our needs while not pushing family and friends aside.  Honestly, I didn’t realize just how many old friends I have until I came out.  I expected to be ignored but have experienced anything but that.

 

I hope you are all able to eventually make that happen as well.

 

hugs and love

 

Willow

@WillowThat was very well put. All I can add is a very heartfelt "Amen, sister!"

[Willow]

@Jackie C. that is what I’m talking about and for those of us who have lived our lives with insecurities and and loneliness only fulfilled by family it is really hard to get past that.  If that family keeps pushing back my wife has as well as @KymmieL ‘s, if leaves us having to make some very difficult decisions.  One sided compromise is not the answer that only leads to more depression and in all to many cases attempting suicide.  As she is my friend I hope Kymmieks is working on acceptance.  But I also know that takes time as they don’t understand.  They can think they failed somewhere, or any number of emotions including “I didn’t marry a woman” “I don’t want to be seen as a lesbian”

 

all these things take time, understanding and compassion.

 

live you both, hugs

 

Willow

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Willow said:

all these things take time, understanding and compassion.

Good morning everyone,

 

Willow, my daughter-in-law and I still say Bummer.

 

I'm getting a late start to the day because I'm feeling overwhelmed with work and transition issues here at home.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

 

 

[Ticket For Epic]

When in the name of Fraya's amber torc will I stop crying!   Sorry all, quick vent!

[Mmindy]

8 minutes ago, Ticket For Epic said:

When in the name of Fraya's amber torc will I stop crying!   Sorry all, quick vent!

No need to apologize, we're all here to listen, and support one another. Crying is anxiety leaving the body, cleansing you stressful mind and heart.

 

I'm in a high anxiety situation right now too.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[KymmieL]

That is my problem I don't care about me. Haven't for a long long time. 

I know I need to love myself.  I guess that my baggage is weighing me down. Now I am not sure about buying a house.  That would tie me down.  Almost permanently, but I want to get out of where we are. Almost 23 yrs in subsidized housing. Them crawling up your arse once a year. Plus I would like to actually have a garage I can work on my car in.  

 

I know I need to learn to let go. I guess, I will see this weekend when I visit our oldest and family. See how they see me. Ladies shorts, shaved legs, and my long hair. 

 

Thanks  everyone for the support.  

Hugs,

Kymmie 

[miz miranda]

To the many who have been pouring out their hearts in response to the their spouses/ex's and family, I am so sorry for the heartache being caused. I can understand grief at the loss of a persona that you knew and loved, but, the unwillingness to acknowledge the trauma that leads one to need to transitions is difficult to fathom.

 

I know it is difficult to not feel guilty and responsible for others, but, this is something that you know you need to do to ease your pain. If you were getting treated for cancer, some of these comments are equivalent to asking to not get treated for someone else's sake. Please don't let them diminish you. Take care of your self, work on the relationships that are worth saving and acknowledge their pain. Vent when you need it, cry when you need it and smile when you can. You deserve a rich and full life!

 

A virtual hug for all of you.

[Willow]

Hey, FINALLY some good news!  Our walk through is scheduled for noon May 31st.

[KathyLauren]

8 hours ago, Ertha said:

The "genie" is out of the bottle (at least in the community I live) and she does not want to live in that damn tiny bottle anymore!  I'm wrestling with lots of dysphoria, honestly maybe a little more now than before, but I finally feel like I can quiet the dysphoria demons that kept saying "shame on you, shame on you!" well "F" you DD's, I'm out and your shaming weapon has lost it's power!

@Ertha, I remember that feeling well!  It came from the same circumstances, my first walk-about as myself, and I still draw power from it today, five years later.  Any time the DDs give you any guff, remember that feeling of being yourself, and how good it felt.

 

@Willow, I understand the "I am third" quote, and I don't think it is wrong.  But...  I follow the flight safety briefing that you get on all airlines.  If the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, put on your own mask first before helping others with theirs.  You have to be okay yourself, or you won't be any good to others.

[CD Rachel]

5 hours ago, Ticket For Epic said:

When in the name of Fraya's amber torc will I stop crying!   Sorry all, quick vent!

@Ticket For Epic I know this feeling only too well. Cry if you need to, and if you want you can share your pain here. I wish I could take away the pains, but since I can not, at least let me weep with you my sister.

 

Rachel

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Hannah Renee said:

She currently doesn't really want to know jack about my lady life.

My wife knows and has seen all of my online accounts. She has also looked at them as part of my venting process and quasi therapy sessions. She doesn't like them, but she knows there isn't anything she can do about them.

 

Good luck with the new job,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋