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KymmieL

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Elizabeth Star

After weeks of waiting my new insurance benefits card was waiting for me in the mailbox when I got home. Finally an "Official" something with my correct name on it. I didn't even have to ask. HR asked me if I wanted the new card with the right name and took care of all the details for me. Feels so validating.

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2 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

I didn't even have to ask. HR asked me if I wanted the new card with the right name and took care of all the details for me. Feels so validating.

It is cool how your HR is so supporting.

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On 2/23/2021 at 4:25 PM, Emily michelle said:

I’m home now and on the couch relaxing. Everything went good. I had issues in recovery but it’s all better now 

This is good news, I've been away so I'm late to take care and follow the doctors advice.

 

hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🌈🦋

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Good morning 

 

coffee was good today.  It’s my E shot day. I always look forward to that. 
 

I have a dentist appointment today which is always fun.  Strained my back yesterday trying to start my pressure washer.  It would run. Eventually I broke the starter cord.  At least that didn’t happen when I was really giving it a hard pull.  I’m trying to “repair” three golf cart batteries.  I have three that are just fine and three that discharge rather quickly. I am running a repair cycle on a battery charger. High 70s here!  Finally winter is breaking its grip.

 

hugs to all

 

Willow

 

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1 hour ago, Willow said:

 High 70s here!  Finally winter is breaking its grip.

 

hugs to all

 

Willow

 

Cool, When can I move in? JK.

 

Had some water works yesterday afternoon. we were discussing well the wife was talking I was just Uh, Huh. most of the time. then she hit on a point that started it. My oldest has barely brought his family to our house. My grandson has been here maybe 3 times. while my granddaughter has never been to our house.

 

My wife reminded me that our oldest son doesn't like our home. the way it is kept maybe I don't know. Maybe because it is in a low income apts. Oh, He has gone to his in laws who live about 100 miles away. Stayed a week or so. never here. Heck, I think he wouldn't visit if we lived next door to his in laws.

 

My oldest is so much like my father. When we lived back in MI. he visited our home. maybe 5 times.

 

While our middle son has been here with his family plenty. Which I am so grateful.

 

Have a good day all, I will try.

 

Kymmie

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Jackie C.
1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

Cool, When can I move in? JK.

 

Had some water works yesterday afternoon. we were discussing well the wife was talking I was just Uh, Huh. most of the time. then she hit on a point that started it. My oldest has barely brought his family to our house. My grandson has been here maybe 3 times. while my granddaughter has never been to our house.

 

My wife reminded me that our oldest son doesn't like our home. the way it is kept maybe I don't know. Maybe because it is in a low income apts. Oh, He has gone to his in laws who live about 100 miles away. Stayed a week or so. never here. Heck, I think he wouldn't visit if we lived next door to his in laws.

 

My oldest is so much like my father. When we lived back in MI. he visited our home. maybe 5 times.

 

While our middle son has been here with his family plenty. Which I am so grateful.

 

Have a good day all, I will try.

 

Kymmie

 

There could be SO many reasons that your son doesn't visit. How does he feel about you visiting him? I mean I practically lived with my grandparents (seriously, I was there more often than I was home), but that had more to do with my parents being up their own backsides than anything else. Your son could just not want to visit, but his wife is pressuring him to make sure that the grandkids see her parents. Without pressure to see the two of you he won't do the same. He could be staying away until you and your wife get your personal issues settled. He might just not want to bring his kids around your middle son.

My suggestion would be to ask him. He's a guy, so he might not have even considered it.

 

It's his loss, but it would be a shame if it became your grandkid's loss too. Either way, it's out of your hands.

 

Well, that was darker than I thought it would be. Sorry about that. Puppies! Kittens! Unicorns! Rainbows! And most importantly...

 

Hugs!

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Hey,everyone. Sorry to put this here. If it is wrong please take it down. but I am in a bad way now.

 

I thought about the chat but the ones here know my story.

 

I finished a session with my counselor about a half hour ago. The everything hit me at once. I've bee crying ever since. in session today I finally realized I need to do something. right wrong indiferent. I am tired of living two lives. I can't do it anymore. I eather need o be me or stop and that would mean the end for me I fear. That one thing I can do. I need to be Kymmie. But I just wish I had family support . Then about 15 minutes ago my wife called. she heard my upsetness. and she asked I told her my emotions where going nuts. she asked is this the transgender thing. I told her yes. She calmly says the you need to let go of your family. How in the hell can she calmly say that. Doesn't it hurt anywhere in that cold heart of hers. The she calmly says I have xxx in the bank so take your car in to get it fixed.  like she flipped  a switch.  how unloving can someone be. Ibeieve that all she wants is her MAN back. even if it kills me. Which I am not giving her the satisfacton of. I truely think that. She doesn't want me just the man I was. same with my sons.

I am sorry but I just had to post, even in my incohearnt state. I love you all

 

I'll be back later

 

k

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AwesomeClaire

Hi Kymmie. I would find that very difficult and would be very emotional too. I wish you had better support. Unfortunately your experience is common I think, so don't feel alone in that. Being transgender can be incredibly difficult, hard decisions must be made. It is also a chance at a fresh new beginning. 

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1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

That one thing I can do. I need to be Kymmie. But I just wish I had family support .

 

I'll be back later

 

k

My heart breaks for you Kymmie,

Your family either supports you or doesn't and not much can be done to change that.  I'm pretty sure you know this and you wife probably knows that her "man" isn't coming back no matter how much pain or guilt she tries to use against you.  You need to extricate yourself from this daily emotional abuse and just go be Kymmie IMO

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2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

She calmly says the you need to let go of your family. How in the hell can she calmly say that.

Children don't visit for varying reasons.  Maybe they don't want to remember the past.  Maybe they're embarrassed.  Maybe they are more involved with their spouses family.  We see our son regularly but they (his family) spends way more time at my DIL's parents home.  It used to bother me but now I see it as all right.  He's living his life and that is good.  Accept your family for who they are, not the family you want.  

 

2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

The she calmly says I have xxx in the bank so take your car in to get it fixed.  like she flipped  a switch.  how unloving can someone be

I suppose I don't understand this.  Was this an olive branch?  Maybe she thought this would take one stress away.  Think about the context.  

 

Another thing I need to bring up since you obviously want to be connected to your family, and in reality moving out would not be particularly easy as I take your finances are stretched thin.  What can you do to compromise?  Have an earnest talk with your wife about meeting half way.  I don't recall if you've done any legal work to change your name yet.  But you could consider Kimberly.  It works both as a male and female name.  I worked with a guy with this name.  Its got a British origin.   

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimberly_(given_name)  It could be Kimberley also.  She could address you as Kim.  

 

There are many who do not present as themselves full time due to family or economic reasons.  (I know one woman that loves her job but transitioning socially would not be good for her career.)  How could you do this, meet in the middle where no party gets everything but everyone is satisfied?  

 

This is as hard on your wife as it is on you.  It doesn't need to be a zero sum game where one wins and the other loses.  

 

Jani   

  

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2beBreanna
5 hours ago, KymmieL said:

My wife reminded me that our oldest son doesn't like our home. the way it is kept maybe I don't know. Maybe because it is in a low income apts. Oh, He has gone to his in laws who live about 100 miles away. Stayed a week or so. never here. Heck, I think he wouldn't visit if we lived next door to his in laws.

Our oldest is adopted out of the system.  He has left then came back a few times over the years.  Each time we made sure to make space to have him stay with us when we needed.  Last summer we moved into a new house, he and his girlfriend were going to move in.  We spent a lot of time and money building a large bedroom for them.  Without any reasoning they decided not to move in.  And have not called or visited since September.  We got just a text for Christmas "Christmas" was all it said.  They are due in April with a girl.  No reports about the baby.  Anyways come to find out her parents got them s loan for a house.  Guess we were not offering enough to be part of the family anymore.   Their lose.

 

As for the wife thing...  it hurts seeing people being treated like that.   As it's been said maybe the best thing to do is leave so you become happier in the long run.  It will be hard for a while, with time and freedom to be yourself the heartache will diminish.  Whatever your desicion is... we will be here as an ear to lean on.  All here care about each other.

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Sorry for earlier, but I am better now. well at least the water works have stopped.

 

Jani, I don't really see her compromising. I truly believe it is me as a male or nothing. I think she is trying to get me to stay by offering to help with my car, it is our Buick Sportwagon and were looking to take a trip in May. To Bowling Green, KY for the Buick GS nationals.  We are wanting to drive it.

 

Again she asked me if there were any steps, I could work. like in AA. and To say the serenity prayer. And the old I don't understand what you are going through. I was so close to telling her that would be valid if she even wanted to understand. But on her own admission she doesn't.

 

again I'll close, TTYL

 

Kymmie

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CD Rachel
3 hours ago, KymmieL said:

you need to let go of your family.

 

@KymmieL I whole hardheartedly agree with Jani post. Some things to consider is that it takes 2 to make a marriage work but only one to break it up. You need to take care of who you are and find where you need to be. You are not making a decision between your well being and your family, you are choosing to be authentic in how you live your life. If staying married is something that you can do while being Kymmie then your wife needs to decide between letting you live authentically and staying with you or separation. If it is your choice then let her know that you need to be authentic but want to stay in the marriage and work things out. She will need to decide if she thinks the marriage is worth keeping. You will still be you no matter how it goes. She does not even necessarily need to make a final decision right now as it could be a try it and see how it works out thing. Of course she will need to put in the work to make the marriage work as will you. Counseling for you both would help tremendously as good communication is key. You can not stay in your cocoon forever a butterfly needs to spread her wings. Again communicate tell her your wants for you and your marriage. Change is coming how she chooses to react to that change is her decision.

 

Though my situation was very different my wife decided that the marriage was not worth saving. She has moved on while I am still struggling with self recrimination over my decisions in the process. My biggest regret is the SHE did not even put in the effort to try to make it work. My only assumption is that she did not love me in the way that I thought she did. My life was shattered and any thoughts of transition for me are on hold while I heal. But the day will come when I am strong enough to move forward again.

 

Good luck to you. My thought and prayers go out to you. You can always lean on us here to support you and help you.

 

With love

 

Rachel

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Jackie C.
1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

Sorry for earlier, but I am better now. well at least the water works have stopped.

 

Jani, I don't really see her compromising. I truly believe it is me as a male or nothing. I think she is trying to get me to stay by offering to help with my car, it is our Buick Sportwagon and were looking to take a trip in May. To Bowling Green, KY for the Buick GS nationals.  We are wanting to drive it.

 

Again she asked me if there were any steps, I could work. like in AA. and To say the serenity prayer. And the old I don't understand what you are going through. I was so close to telling her that would be valid if she even wanted to understand. But on her own admission she doesn't.

 

again I'll close, TTYL

 

Kymmie

 

Kymmie... darling, sweet Kymmie... your wife is a series of words I can't say because when I get creative the profanity filter won't catch any of the words I'm holding back. Let me say that your situation with your wife and some members of your family is a toxic cesspool. Your wife doesn't accept you. She doesn't respect you. She takes you for granted. She doesn't want to put any effort into maintaining the relationship. She wants your façade back and she wants to keep taking advantage of you.

 

My therapist and I just had this conversation yesterday. I'm a total soft-touch too. I'd do anything for my spouse and it kills me by inches when she doesn't appreciate something I do or takes me for granted. That's not healthy. Like @CD Rachel said, it takes two people to make a marriage work. It's a partnership. You both have to love and accept each other. You've been through a lot with this woman. You've seen her at her lowest and you're still aching to be at her side. She obviously doesn't feel the same way. She has given you an ultimatum. It's being your true self or your family. That may or may not be true, but from what you've said I wouldn't put it past her to poison the rest of the family against you at the first opportunity.

 

I know you love her. I want to slap the bitch out of her. This is not fair to you at all. You've given her every opportunity to come to terms with who you really are. You have given her every opportunity to get to know the real Kymmie. She has refused at every turn. You need to remove yourself from the situation before things spiral even farther out of control. It's like a festering (and I do NOT get to use the word fester often enough in day to day conversation) wound, It's going to hurt to clean it out. It's going to hurt a lot. You still need to do it before you can start to heal.

 

Once you've distanced yourself a bit and had time to put the pieces back together, you can revisit the situation but I think it's past time for the two of you to become separated. She is not a good influence on you. She only causes you pain and I don't think you're going to have the opportunity to grow as long as you're sharing a space.

 

With love and big hugs. You'll get through this sweetie but you're right, you need to let go.

 

Hugs!

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Well the evening came and went with not one word uttered about what happened earlier. I don't know if she is just screwing with my head or she is going insane.

 

I put in for a position in Spokane Valley. And today at work I am going to look up and email the regional manager for the Spokane area. To see about transferring.

 

Better for now,

 

Kymmie

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Elizabeth Star
1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

Well the evening came and went with not one word uttered about what happened earlier. I don't know if she is just screwing with my head or she is going insane.

This is the story of my life right now.

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Jackie C.
2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I don't know if she is just screwing with my head or she is going insane.

 

It doesn't have to be just one thing. That doesn't have to be an "OR" question. There's always "AND."

 

2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I put in for a position in Spokane Valley. And today at work I am going to look up and email the regional manager for the Spokane area. To see about transferring.

 

Good luck sweetie! I hope you get the position.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better though.

 

Big hugs!

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4 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Well the evening came and went with not one word uttered about what happened earlier. I don't know if she is just screwing with my head or she is going insane.

 

I put in for a position in Spokane Valley. And today at work I am going to look up and email the regional manager for the Spokane area. To see about transferring.

 

Better for now,

 

Kymmie

If you are or will be in Spokane I live in Post falls. Love to meet for coffee

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1 hour ago, SheenaT said:

If you are or will be in Spokane I live in Post falls. Love to meet for coffee

Well I'm up coffee is brewing waiting to see whats in store for today. It's my son's 40th birthday today. Wow I'm old!

4 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Well the evening came and went with not one word uttered about what happened earlier. I don't know if she is just screwing with my head or she is going insane.

 

I put in for a position in Spokane Valley. And today at work I am going to look up and email the regional manager for the Spokane area. To see about transferring.

 

Better for now,

 

Kymmie

If you are or will be in Spokane I live in Post falls. Love to meet for coffee

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Confused1
On 2/26/2021 at 7:33 AM, KymmieL said:

My oldest has barely brought his family to our house. My grandson has been here maybe 3 times. while my granddaughter has never been to our house.

My wife reminded me that our oldest son doesn't like our home. the way it is kept maybe I don't know.

While our middle son has been here with his family plenty. Which I am so grateful.

 

I agree with Jackie on this. Ask your son. I know you love your wife, but what if she is why they don't visit? There could be several reasons for this.

 

22 hours ago, KymmieL said:

 I am tired of living two lives. I can't do it anymore. I eather need o be me or stop and that would mean the end for me I fear. That one thing I can do. I need to be Kymmie. But I just wish I had family support . 

She calmly says the you need to let go of your family.  Ibeieve that all she wants is her MAN back. even if it kills me. Which I am not giving her the satisfacton of. I truely think that. She doesn't want me just the man I was. same with my sons.

 

Kimmie, I am just a voice on the Internet, but many of us have been where you are. I thought several times through this that I was going to lose my wife, but in the end we are close again. Though I have one daughter still close, the other has become a little more distant. Most cis-people consider this a choice. Your wife may feel that this is a choice to you and if she just stands firm you will give it up. If there is no way you can find compromise, you may have to do what CD Rachel suggests and make your wife choose. In the end, it is her decision. A new job might help her make that choice. I'll be praying for you.

 

I would still talk to your oldest. There may be information there you are unaware of that could help you.

 

Hugs,

Mike

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5 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I put in for a position in Spokane Valley. And today at work I am going to look up and email the regional manager for the Spokane area. To see about transferring.

That would be great.  I hope things work out for you soon.

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Had to clean my chimney yesterday.  I had been putting it off too long, and it turned into an ordeal.  I was on the roof for a good 3 hours trying to scrub it out before the rain moved in.  Today I am so stiff I can hardly move.  Guess that's what a year of inactivity will do for you.

Today I can just lay low.  Thinking about some split pea soup.

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23 hours ago, KymmieL said:

She calmly says the you need to let go of your family.

It's the idea that transitioning is a completely selfish act, but insisting that one doesn't isn't selfish at all. A false dichotomy that excuses the selfishness of one party and putting it all on the other. It's cold, calculating and I'm personally finding it a little bit triggering. Not that my ex and I split over my being transgender, but sometimes people in pain steel themselves and lash out at another vulnerable party thinking that the other person is the cause of their pain not realizing, or not caring, that the other is also in pain and NOT attacking them. I've always found it strange how our society has been set up to view the pain of minorities as the cause of the pain of more mainstream groups. Everything becomes a zero-sum game where there can only be winners and losers. But I'm danger of straying into politics here when all I want to say is that I want you to know that I stand with you and hope that everything works out for the best for you.

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Oh HAPPY DANCE!  I just got invited to go on a ladies weekend to Savannah GA in May!  The group is mostly people I only know through social media, it's a group called Ladies Of Football which I was invited to when I came out on Facebook under my Miami Dolphins Superfan personna.  One of the girls even invited me to be her roommate for the weekend to reduce costs.  They all know my Trans status.  I can't wait. There will be about 20 of us crazy football fans from all over the country so we have a built in conversation starter .here are two ladies that I least have met from my football game days but that was from before coming out. My wife is super supportive and encouraged me to go. SHe does ladies retreats/getaways a couple times a year and knows I've always wanted to go to one.

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Hi,

 

we went to the beach today.  See below.  
 

We also went to the recycle center.  I spent the morning using my lawn tractor bagging leaves and pine needles then loading them into my utility trailer.  I like @Jandihave overdone it.  I had planned to do more tomorrow and take another load but I’m having second thoughts.

 

@KymmieL I am tired of living as two people also.  I am trying to work on that, sort of one friend or group of friends at a time.  It’s a slow process but it’s the best I’ve got.  good luck with the transfer.

 

Willow

 

3CA41D08-7C33-41D0-9A83-7D583631DB55.thumb.jpeg.e7eedebb16dd485b89f55d701b66539e.jpeg

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