Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Beatriz]

Hi Liz. I'm afraid I agree with Jackie: there are things in your story that sound awful on different levels.

 

Be strong and do whatever is good for you. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing.

 

Big hugs!

[Jamie68]

4 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

 

This is little jumbled and just the cliff-notes.

 

I didn't have the capacity for words to describe things until now. Last week, Wednesday when I took my wife for her 2nd vaccination and she misgendered me 4 times in front of everyone I tried to be polite and mention it her her in a by-the-way tone. She just went off the rails and accused me of attacking her and trying to start a fight. I thought that was the extent of it but it wasn't. Fast forward to Sunday night on of my friend sent me a message literally just to say hi. I was asked what was going on. Oh, it's just so-and-so from Michigan just saying hi......She trans....  Later on I was asked about who all these new FB friends are that I have. I just said there all trans-woman. I was left feeling like I'm not allowed to make friends I thought it was simple.

 

Tuesday on the way home from work she asked me if I would stop and pick up ice cream. Usually these requests are followed up with "and cigarettes".  Due to her health she really needs to quit but won't. She asked me what was wrong and then made the mistake of saying I never tell her the truth about how I feel. So I did and things went really, really bad. I explained how I'm watching her life fade away because of her health conditions and then smoking on top of it. Despite everything I can do, I cannot save her, I cannot fix her, I am completely helpless. So I get a ring-side seat to watch her life force disappear. I know I will wake up one morning and she won't be breathing. My words were met with met with nothing but pure rage. So I said it. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make you happy anymore and we cannot talk without everything turning into a screaming match. I'm done. I'm tired of fighting. I will give you what you had repeatedly suggested I wanted, a divorce. First words out of mouth. You gonna run off and marry one of your trans-friends? Then she started tearing into me about me therapist. Saying he's worthless, is not helping me, all I ever do is lie to her. I don't lie, can't lie. I have omitted things but lie? No, I can't even keep a straight face while playing a joke on someone. She refuses to understand my therapist is helping, I'm still alive. My last suicide attempt has since been minimized and means nothing more to her than a paper cut would.

 

At this point she wants me to cut all ties with everyone in my family. Never talk about "us" with anyone. I'm not allowed to have any friends come to our house especially if they're trans.

 

During all of the emotional stuff there's the physical aspect of it. Our house needs work. I am not longer physically capable of doing a lot of the work. Partially due to loss of muscle mass but mostly because I have to a 2 level fusion in my neck and a knee that is on the verge of needing a full replacement. I didn't have these obstacle 10 years ago. Currently I'm doing 90% of the chores she was doing in addition to everything I was already responsible for. With my increased responsibilities I don't have time for new projects.

 

Since I have been a lot more comfortable with using my pronouns and referring to myself as a woman around her somehow that equates to me shoving my "trans-ness" in her face all the time. Obviously I can be a little juvenile in expression but I'm living and exploring a life I never had and I can be an adult when I need to. She outright refuses to talk about me going forward with transition. Usually stating we can't afford any part of it. The thing is my insurance will cover everything 100% since we already met our $900 (you read that right $900) out-of-pock for the year. My employer/owner stated they will do everything they can to help and support me if/when I go forward. Granted, their good intentions may come from a pervy/fetish place but whatever, it's better than hate.

 

I feel at this point there's nothing I can do to save my marriage. She will never be happy no matter what I do and I will never be happy if I can't move forward. I don't see a  reason why I should even try to hold things together anymore.

 

Anyways, that's part of what's going on.

 

Wow, I am so sorry you're going through this. I can relate to most of what you're going through. I hope it gets better for you.

On 4/27/2021 at 9:40 AM, KathyLauren said:

That's nasty!  Our house is about 25 years old.  The original owners had chronic wet basement problems, but did nothing except to install a second sump pump.  The second owners spent $5000 digging up the basement floor and installing a pipe draining into the sump.  So the basement was dry, but the pump ran 20 seconds out of every 30 in wet weather.  We spent another $5000 digging up the back yard and fixing the external drainage tile.  It turned out the drainage pipe had no outlet, so no wonder the basement flooded!  We had our crew add another 30 feet of pipe to bring it out in a gully.  The pump hasn't run in over a year.

 

No coffee this morning, but I did have a nice dose of Pfizer vaccine.  Second dose will be in August.

That's great. This old house needs way more work than I have money or energy for. I've already spent $30,000 on it in the last 3 years. Planning on another $20,000 this year. I don't want to, but I promised my wife that I would add a bathroom and hobby room above the flat roof of the original house. We have 7 people living here with 1 and 1/2 baths. We could really use it. 

[Jamie68]

1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

Wow, I am so sorry you're going through this. I can relate to most of what you're going through. I hope it gets better for you.

That's great. This old house needs way more work than I have money or energy for. I've already spent $30,000 on it in the last 3 years. Planning on another $20,000 this year. I don't want to, but I promised my wife that I would add a bathroom and hobby room above the flat roof of the original house. We have 7 people living here with 1 and 1/2 baths. We could really use it. 

I guess I forgot to hit SEND on this response to KathyLauren.

[Jamie68]

1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

I guess I forgot to hit SEND on this response to KathyLauren.

The phone is a little awkward for me to post with. 

I'm going to blame it on age. 

[Bri2020]

@Elizabeth Star i have no words that adequately convey my sadness for what you are dealing with nor any that can truly help but know that were I there I would lay a big hug on you and give you a shoulder to cry on.  We're here for you at least virtually so let it out when you need to.  Take care of yourself right now.  

Hugs

Bri

[Bri2020]

8 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

 I think it takes 2 years or more for your breasts to grow though. You may want to rethink your time frame.

While full growth may take up to 2 years, most surgeons only require a year of HRT because the growth from year 1-2 IF you have some is typically minimal.  This does assume you had appropriate HRT levels.  Mine have been in the right range except for 1 month it was just a little low.  The surgeon wants to meet again in Aug to do a final "sizing" to see if things have changed much if at all.  We agreed that since I'm not "locked into a certain size" goal but more of a range goal that if he plans for the minimum size I want there isn't any real chance I will exceed my "upper limit" with future growth.  I don't have to make any commitments until 2 weeks before my actual surgical date.  I really liked the surgeon (Dr Weston-Reston VA). He sat down and wanted to know about me and my journey and we talked about that and the support I have and everything for 15 minutes before we even talked about boobs.  He really cares about helping the trans community. I've never met a surgeon who will take that much time on non medical dialog.  Overall he spent 40 minutes just talking and exam time to make sure I was comfortable with everything and figuring out a plan. 

[Jamie68]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

While full growth may take up to 2 years, most surgeons only require a year of HRT because the growth from year 1-2 IF you have some is typically minimal.  This does assume you had appropriate HRT levels.  Mine have been in the right range except for 1 month it was just a little low.  The surgeon wants to meet again in Aug to do a final "sizing" to see if things have changed much if at all.  We agreed that since I'm not "locked into a certain size" goal but more of a range goal that if he plans for the minimum size I want there isn't any real chance I will exceed my "upper limit" with future growth.  I don't have to make any commitments until 2 weeks before my actual surgical date.  I really liked the surgeon (Dr Weston-Reston VA). He sat down and wanted to know about me and my journey and we talked about that and the support I have and everything for 15 minutes before we even talked about boobs.  He really cares about helping the trans community. I've never met a surgeon who will take that much time on non medical dialog.  Overall he spent 40 minutes just talking and exam time to make sure I was comfortable with everything and figuring out a plan. 

Sounds like a good plan. May I ask What the cost is? I may want this some day.

[KymmieL]

I am so sorry, Liz that your wife sounds like mine did in the beginning. I hope your wife realizes that you are there for her and want her to become healthy again. I think my wife still thinks that my VA therapist put being a woman in my head. As yours does accusing your therapist.  What most people don't realize, that it is difficult finding a therapist we are comfortable talking to. I am not sure how comfortable I would be talking to a male about my female feelings. but that is just me.

Not knowing your wifes medical condition. Could she have forgot that you are now a female? When my wife and I had our first explosion about my being trans. I severed the ties, including doing a goodbye post on Transpulse. Then I thought, I am not giving up my friends here. She also hinted that I get rid of my feminine wardrobe. I flat out said that's not going to happen. I pray that she figures out that you are worth staying with. 

 

My wife is slowly figuring that out.

 

Kymmie

[Elizabeth Star]

Here, since I never really explained what's going on with her health. She has PAH, Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension and Arachnophobia. The PAH causes a malfunction in the process of getting oxygen from her lungs to her bloodstream. In short, she always feels like she just ran up a flight of stairs. Her's is also what is called group 5, there no known cause. The the 4 other groups heart or lung transplants can help but these thing are not even am option for group 5. It is a progressive condition, medications only pause the progression and anything that upsets the apple cart causes it to get worse. No smoking, eating right and exercise are the best thing that you can do to slow it down.

 

Arachnoiditis is a pain disorder caused by the inflammation of the arachnoid, one of the membranes that surround and protect the nerves of the spinal cord. Severe stinging, a “burning” pain, and neurological problems characterize the condition. It is also progressive and uncureable. Most of the time it hurts just getting out of bed so exercise is pretty much out of the question.

 

This is where I'm torn. She can't take care of herself and the medications are ridiculously expensive. My insurance has already paid out over 300k this years. There's no way she could ever get insurance on her own and let's say she did. Even a 10-20% co-pay would bankrupt most people with a few months. Without the meds she wouldn't survive 6 months.

 

More to come.....

 

 

 

[Kiera]

 

My lord I actually slept last night, woke up past 6 rather than usual 2/3 AM! Last few days been taking progesterone just before bed and breasts are definitely "acting up" again!

Will be late for work!

 

[Willow]

Good morning 

 

Sitting here drinking morning coffee with my wife and our dog is on the other couch laying on some pillows looking out the window.

 

@Jamie68 the wasps you mention scare me the most.  I recently discovered I I’m highly allergic to wasp venom.  I have to carry an Epipen pen because of them.  Got stung about a year ago.  Went to the doctor immediately.  He said I should have called 911. Gave me shots and watched me for an hour.  Then prescribed the pen.  Everything else I mentioned (in good humor) I can avoid but wasps like living on boats and that’s where I got stung and so did my granddaughter.  I wasn’t even annoying it, just stuck my hand in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Willow

[Danni B.]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

Here, since I never really explained what's going on with her health. She has PAH, Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension and Arachnophobia. The PAH causes a malfunction in the process of getting oxygen from her lungs to her bloodstream. In short, she always feels like she just ran up a flight of stairs. Her's is also what is called group 5, there no known cause. The the 4 other groups heart or lung transplants can help but these thing are not even am option for group 5. It is a progressive condition, medications only pause the progression and anything that upsets the apple cart causes it to get worse. No smoking, eating right and exercise are the best thing that you can do to slow it down.

 

Arachnoiditis is a pain disorder caused by the inflammation of the arachnoid, one of the membranes that surround and protect the nerves of the spinal cord. Severe stinging, a “burning” pain, and neurological problems characterize the condition. It is also progressive and uncureable. Most of the time it hurts just getting out of bed so exercise is pretty much out of the question.

 

This is where I'm torn. She can't take care of herself and the medications are ridiculously expensive. My insurance has already paid out over 300k this years. There's no way she could ever get insurance on her own and let's say she did. Even a 10-20% co-pay would bankrupt most people with a few months. Without the meds she wouldn't survive 6 months.

 

More to come.....

 

 

 

Sorry to hear about the tough time you're having.  It does seem like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Hopefully by showing your there for her will help her come around to want to take better care.  

[Bri2020]

12 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

Sounds like a good plan. May I ask What the cost is? I may want this some day.

$8000 out the door. I opted for a "pain block". basically a nerve block infusion that stays in for 4 days so you don't need narcotics. I have a history of pain med addiction from a really bad surgery year when I broke my back. That added $600 and to me worth every penny.  I live in a very wealthy area (top 5 in country) so my guess is it would be cheaper in other areas. I think most places outside of really big cities it's around $6k-$7K

[Willow]

@KymmieL @Elizabeth Star I think wives don’t want to accept the reality.  Mine too blamed my therapist, that is until we had a two hour session together with our MD.  Yes 2 hours with a dr and we only paid a copay.  Anyway, she may be moving through the stages of grief.  Denial is a big part of that.

 

Sorry to hear your wife has such a painful and difficult problem Liz.

 

Willow

[KymmieL]

Liz, that PAH that your wife is stricken with sounds horrible. It does sound like she has given up. My wife stopped smoking because of our son. It had only been may 12 yrs. My father in law was told to quit smoking for his health, with blood clots, OSD.  he went cold turkey. He smoked for over 60 yrs.

 

Quitting is hard. but if your life depends on it why not do it. I will lay odds that at each and every Dr. Appt she goes to. She is told to quit.

 

Well ladies and gents, My Sunday and  Speech therapy day. Shortly I am going to finish my coffee. Not really sure what I am going to wear. A red semi transparent top with a white cami. Not sure if I'll do jeans, shorts, or what. Girls have so many choices, I love it.

 

Shortly after I get home I should have my two grandson here. So a fun week end.

 

Take care, everyone.

Many hugs,

 

Kymmie

[Elizabeth Star]

...... I guess I feel a little trapped. I will not abandon someone in need but it puts me in a place where I can’t even think about any part of my future at this time. 
 

I really did open Pandora’s box on myself. I can’t stop or slowdown transition but feel like I’ve been involuntary plateaued. Yes, I got hrt and my name change will be legal next month but right now it feels like that’s as far as I’ll ever be able to go. 
 

Dark thoughts still try to fill my mind on occasion. Knowing from trial an error over the years. I have the capacity to opt-out and it scares me a bit. My refusal to accept the situation is the only thing keeping me going and pushing through. Right now I just want to shutdown and avoid everything and everyone. Even though I know it’s in my best interest if I don’t. 

[Elizabeth Star]

6 hours ago, Kiera said:

 

My lord I actually slept last night, woke up past 6 rather than usual 2/3 AM! Last few days been taking progesterone just before bed and breasts are definitely "acting up" again!

Will be late for work!

 

I just picked up a new prescription for mine yesterday. They also upped the dosage. I’m excited to see if it helps my girls fill out a bit more. 

[Bri2020]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

...... I guess I feel a little trapped. I will not abandon someone in need but it puts me in a place where I can’t even think about any part of my future at this time. 
 

I really did open Pandora’s box on myself. I can’t stop or slowdown transition but feel like I’ve been involuntary plateaued. Yes, I got hrt and my name change will be legal next month but right now it feels like that’s as far as I’ll ever be able to go. 
 

Dark thoughts still try to fill my mind on occasion. Knowing from trial an error over the years. I have the capacity to opt-out and it scares me a bit. My refusal to accept the situation is the only thing keeping me going and pushing through. Right now I just want to shutdown and avoid everything and everyone. Even though I know it’s in my best interest if I don’t. 

There are options Liz.  IF you get divorced, and she goes on disability most Pharmaceutical companies have programs for people who can't afford the meds. Esp for these rare diseases.  I have an employee who can't make more than $1200/month or she can't get the medication free for her MS. ($30k a year for those) So there are options for that kind of thing.  You could also separate and keep her on your insurance.  Obviously nothing is ideal here but you have to take care of your needs too. If you crash into a depression because you can't transition to the point that you need then that would potentially lead to her being on her own or you being out of work or who knows what.  When you have to take care of a family member who isn't capable of fully caring for themselves, your needs are a necessity for your ability to be a caregiver. 

[Kiera]

7 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

This is where I'm torn. She can't take care of herself and the medications are ridiculously expensive.

 

 

          OMG Liz my wife is still here even though we're been divorced 11 years now . . . sigh her family knows well enough/wants nothing to do with her and mine, especially our two kids, really can't deal with her "issues" at all. 

 

God will REWARD us? (editor keeps deleting text by itself?)

[Linda Marie]

Today I volunteered at the department of aging. I will be in the meals on wheels program delivering meals

for those that are home bound. 

Time to give back to the community. 

Love,

LM♥️ 

[MirandaB]

What's the deal with spouses thinking therapists talk us into this? Mine said something along those lines, it was of several ideas/questions that I replied with, no, I've been feeling this way as long as I can remember, and I was ready to do it when I went to therapy. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, RhondaS said:

What's the deal with spouses thinking therapists talk us into this? Mine said something along those lines, it was of several ideas/questions that I replied with, no, I've been feeling this way as long as I can remember, and I was ready to do it when I went to therapy. 

 

It's surprisingly common, in the last conversation (and I DO mean last) I had with my mother she described a vast network that exists only to "trick" people into thinking that they're trans so they can soak them for expensive surgeries.

 

People are weird.

 

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

10 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

It's surprisingly common, in the last conversation (and I DO mean last) I had with my mother she described a vast network that exists only to "trick" people into thinking that they're trans so they can soak them for expensive surgeries.

 

People are weird.

So once you've swallowed you pride and are broken down enough to talk to someone about not feeling right with your assigned gender and they say yea, you might be trans, let's talk about it. The therapist is just agreeing with you, in hopes that so some surgeon, they will probably never meet, can make some money. Sounds legit.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Elizabeth Star said:

So once you've swallowed you pride and are broken down enough to talk to someone about not feeling right with your assigned gender and they say yea, you might be trans, let's talk about it. The therapist is just agreeing with you, in hopes that so some surgeon, they will probably never meet, can make some money. Sounds legit.

 

That's why it was the last conversation. I can take a lot of abuse personally, but the second she disrespected my sisters, we were DONE. Haven't spoken to her in years.

 

But yeah, my man disguise wasn't even very good and she goes into this spiel about how my therapists (three independent therapists from different networks) were conspiring to trick me into thinking I was trans when really it was just a hormonal imbalance. Sure, the kid who used to turn his underwear around to hide their penis and wear a stolen bikini top (which she is never, ever getting back) under their shirt is "confused." Heck, I tried to castrate myself twice in middle school. That's apparently how confused I was.

Her other line of argument was that my asthma medication was responsible. I mean I did all that while I was on either no medication or unsafe levels of prednisone (which is a steroid... also that SHE gave me), but obviously I'm just confused because with the right injections she can get a low T horse to breed a mare.

 

I think the funniest part is that when I look back at the things she's said and done over the years... I'm like 90% sure she's ace.

 

Hugs!

[Sally Stone]

Linda Marie,

 

It is so considerate of you to be giving back to your community.  Way to go!