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Good morning All. Coffees on.


KymmieL

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If you're not comfortable with something, there's usually a reason.

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Hey all, 

 

I hate it when I'm off site for a while, come back and have NO idea what's going on with the y'all.  I hope pride month has been joyous all around.

 

It's been a month on my end.  My girlfriend, who coincidentally is my oldest friend, has come to the conclusion that she is straight, which though disappointing was oddly validating.  It was expected and in no way came as a shock, I have a feeling she couldn't help but see her old friend "dead name" in women's clothes and for a long while couldn't separate the "man" she'd known for almost 20 year from the woman I am...  until she did and I think I know the moment too.  We were talking about past relationships and experiences and she just went on this tangent (a very complementary tangent) about how I'm not like "other guys" and all the ways I'm not like "other guys", rattling off a laundry list differences, emotional availability, openness, communication style,  consent and reaffirming consent...  All the while misgendering me (to be clear, I've never specifically asked her to gender me properly) and there I am in women's clothes,  nail polish and a touch of make-up, just waiting.  Then it happened... she looked up at me, we locked eyes, I cocked my head, she nodded silently and everything changed. 

 

I didn't hear from her for a couple weeks then got a kindly worded "dear jane" text explaining that she isn't gay.  I replied that I knew this was coming, that there were no hard feelings and that when she got things sorted and separated in her head that I'm still in the market for "girlfriends".  She responded that I was right, that she would need time to sort things out.  It's been months now and nothing... ghosted.  I really didn't expect that, I know it's not my transness (is that a word?) As she dated a trans man in her youth and is both progressiveand an ally.  

 

I miss my friend, not only is she my oldest friend, she is the only friend I have in the area.

 

On the bright side, I'm visiting my sister for pride in NYC!  YIPPEE!!!  The one down side is, and I'm quoting her here.  "I'm going to have to ditch you Saturday night for a girls party."  Ouch!  My fault for lying to her but I'm just not ready.  Why do I feel like the most important person to me will be one of the last to know?

 

I'm sure these ramblings belong elsewhere on the forum but I'm not really looking for advice, I just wanted to share.  Besides, I always feel like I'm doing something wrong/bad when I create a new topic.

 

much luv

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1 hour ago, Jandi said:

If you're not comfortable with something, there's usually a reason.

Too true! Wisdom for the ages there.

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4 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Today is my Transpulse-iversary! One year ago today, I joined this community.

Congrats. Another milestone.

 

1 hour ago, Ticket For Epic said:

went on this tangent (a very complementary tangent) about how I'm not like "other guys" and all the ways I'm not like "other guys", rattling off a laundry list differences, emotional availability, openness, communication style,  consent and reaffirming consent...

I can relate. I've had some exes and friends show up in life over the last couple years and they were all like "well, now it all makes sense."

 

1 hour ago, Ticket For Epic said:

It's been months now and nothing... ghosted. 

I've also had a lot of this happen. I can think of five friends off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more.

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10 hours ago, SheenaT said:

Surgery recovery went well. As for the rest just following the status quo. 

That’s great Sheena, 

 

Listen to your body, as you recover.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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5 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

 

Behold, the power of suggestion. This is how I read the first bubble for a second. 😆

 

image.thumb.png.e442d46f42c54a59c1b777440fd834f5.png

😄😂🤣😆😁❤️

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Good morning?


I had store brand dark roast, black coffee this morning..  we e had it before.  I need to find our remote controls. I am very limited in my ability to control our devices.  We want to get hooked up to a streaming service but my Apple TV is not able to properly connect without its remote.  Frustrating to say the least.  I also need to get the bottom half of our China hutch over here.  If I do that, the dining area would be pretty close to done.not being able to put away the kitchen is a killer.  I can’t believe how many boxes say kitchen on them.

 

I finally slept all night.  Not sure about my wife, but she is still asleep.  I don’t want to wake her up.  She’s had a few pretty rough nights.

 

I suppose I could find a few things to do in the meantime.  
 

I’ll check back later.

 

Willow

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@Elizabeth Star & @Davie thanks!! 

 

@SheenaT glad you're recovering so well. 

 

@Jaycie always beautiful to hear a cheer of euphoria! It boosts us all, I believe. 

 

@Ticket For Epic perhaps your ex needs time to process. Doesn't feel so good, the ghosting - obviously any communication would be preferable. I hope you have super fun at pride! So, your sister will be your companion at pride, but you are not out to her? What is her interest in attending pride? Doesn't it feel like the stakes are soooo much higher when considering telling people you're close to? I've had an easier time mentioning it casually and spontaneously to people I barely know or see. But those who are closer to me? Very few know. Who knows - maybe pride will inspire you. I was struck by your comment that you feel wrong/bad for starting a new thread. In doing so, you assert yourself to some extent. I just want to affirm that you are assertable (a word I made up just for you, lol). We WANT to see you & hear from you; you are worthy, valid & beautiful. 

 

Related to coming out, I was discussing, via text, my top dysphoria with my friend, T, whom I recently came out to. She said she completely understood how it relates to gender ID. I asked, you do??? She said that when I told her I'm trans, she'd actually known that about me for a long time & it was no surprise to her when I told her. She validated how stressful and potentially devastating ordinary things like putting oneself together to leave the house could be. I was like, wow. It's a beautiful thing when someone really sees you. I told her that for years while I was trying my darndest to be a "normal" woman, that I tried to convince myself that all women routinely had complete borderline psychotic meltdowns while fixing their hair or getting dressed, but I didn't really believe it - I always felt like an imposter, alien, monster. I mean, I did have some hideous PMS, but these instances were not necessarily "periodic". Live and learn. Last night, I was telling my husband that these days, I care much much less what others think about the way I look, but that the key to that is increasingly accepting and liking how I look, myself. I'm no longer trying to squeeze myself into a ill-fitting mold. 

 

 

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38 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

 

@Jaycie always beautiful to hear a cheer of euphoria! It boosts us all, I believe

Thank you!!! I hope we all have a great euphoric days!!

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Got an email from our divorce mediator this morning. The petition for dissolution of marriage has been filed, and we finally have a case number. We're meeting with her tomorrow morning to avoid multiple back and forth emails for the final draft of our agreements. Helps when both parties can agree right up front. Of course, we can't seem to agree that I'm not faking my life now.

 

And next weekend, she's flying out to Taos to spend a few days with the former college roommate whom she helped transition MTF 30 or so years ago.

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20 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That’s great Sheena, 

 

Listen to your body, as you recover.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

🤗👍

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Gooooood eeevenning

 

Well, we got the bottom of the china hutch here and set it up.  Brought over a number of boxes, bathroom things, wife’s clothes, shoes and purses and more kitchen boxes.  I found some remote controls but not all  still haven’t found the Apple TV remote.  Guest room is just missing one item.  Oldest granddaughter has asked to come down the first week of August.  We have some family heirlooms that really need to find new homes.  I have a spinning wheel that has been passed down since the early 1800s.  My wife has a beautiful secretary  that is around 100 years old.  We want to keep both going in the family.  Our daughter has requested the secretary and I’m hoping our oldest granddaughter will want the spinning wheel.  We have other antiques in the 100 year old range that will go to someone someday but not yet.

 

Politically speaking we all could be in for some rough times.  It would seem that the SCOTUS isn’t done with taking away rights and freedom we currently enjoy.  Which ever side you are on the next two elections could be extremely important so be sure to vote.

 

Personally I don’t know when I’ve been so relaxed and happy as I am now.  Living here seems like a long vacation.  And being myself all the time makes it that much better.  Yes I have gotten some pushback but nothing that I think will ruin this.  
 

time to take the dog for a walk.  See you tomorrow.

 

hugs

 

Willow

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2 minutes ago, Willow said:

Personally I don’t know when I’ve been so relaxed and happy as I am now.  

Glad to hear your life is getting settled down a bit.

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8 minutes ago, Willow said:

Personally I don’t know when I’ve been so relaxed and happy as I am now.  Living here seems like a long vacation.

 

You deserve it, especially after all that boat-living time and work you put in!

 

It's so nice to hear about you finally being in the new place! I'm sure the process of moving in is quite a lot of work (it always is), but it sounds like it must be very satisfying for you at this point.

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I was on the fence about telling my new friend that I'm trans but did it anyway. Turns out she's an allie and supporter which is why she never said or did anything to make me suspect she knew. We're planning to meet up for lunch on Sunday.

 

Today is also my name change anniversary but it's hard to be happy about it considering that other thing that happened today.

 

I'm still chipping away at purse project. I had to, yet again, redesign some parts but now it's just endless hours of printing out and assembling the pieces. As long as my supply of filament holds out I should have it done by next weekend.

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23 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

@Elizabeth Star & @Davie thanks!! 

 

@SheenaT glad you're recovering so well. 

 

@Jaycie always beautiful to hear a cheer of euphoria! It boosts us all, I believe. 

 

@Ticket For Epic perhaps your ex needs time to process. Doesn't feel so good, the ghosting - obviously any communication would be preferable. I hope you have super fun at pride! So, your sister will be your companion at pride, but you are not out to her? What is her interest in attending pride? Doesn't it feel like the stakes are soooo much higher when considering telling people you're close to? I've had an easier time mentioning it casually and spontaneously to people I barely know or see. But those who are closer to me? Very few know. Who knows - maybe pride will inspire you. I was struck by your comment that you feel wrong/bad for starting a new thread. In doing so, you assert yourself to some extent. I just want to affirm that you are assertable (a word I made up just for you, lol). We WANT to see you & hear from you; you are worthy, valid & beautiful. 

 

Related to coming out, I was discussing, via text, my top dysphoria with my friend, T, whom I recently came out to. She said she completely understood how it relates to gender ID. I asked, you do??? She said that when I told her I'm trans, she'd actually known that about me for a long time & it was no surprise to her when I told her. She validated how stressful and potentially devastating ordinary things like putting oneself together to leave the house could be. I was like, wow. It's a beautiful thing when someone really sees you. I told her that for years while I was trying my darndest to be a "normal" woman, that I tried to convince myself that all women routinely had complete borderline psychotic meltdowns while fixing their hair or getting dressed, but I didn't really believe it - I always felt like an imposter, alien, monster. I mean, I did have some hideous PMS, but these instances were not necessarily "periodic". Live and learn. Last night, I was telling my husband that these days, I care much much less what others think about the way I look, but that the key to that is increasingly accepting and liking how I look, myself. I'm no longer trying to squeeze myself into a ill-fitting mold. 

 

 

Thank you! Just wish it had been GCS.

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Meeting with the mediator went well. All should be done by the end of July🤞. And it's filed in the one county (where my wife lives) that has the option of not having to show up in court in person, or even Zoom. Now for the name change.

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Hi

 

we took it easy today unpacked some previously moved boxes.  Bought a new coffee maker.  Choice of making a single cup or a pot.  I think that solves some issues we were having with either not enough or too much.  Also bought some pillows and a small teak table for the porch.  
 

it’s a beautiful evening on the porch  just cool enough to be comfortable but warm enough to enjoy.  Tomorrow we will have to bring some more things to the condo. I need to find my big iMac.  We have one more piece for the guest bedroom to bring and a 4 piece wall unit which will divide the dining room from the living room.  I will also use a desk that is part of it.  I do need to find my cords and cables. I brought over our printer but discovered it does no good without the power cord which wasn’t with it.  The number of not found things is becoming annoying.  
 

@SheenaT I still have my prostate but I’ve had two prostate surgeries.  I know they weren’t fun and you have to take it easy for a while to let things heal.  Yes, it’s too bad it’s couldn’t have just been combined with a GCS.  

 

@Hannah Renee whether you Don’t have to be at court or not, I would think it would be in your best interest to be there “just in case”. I’m learning things the hard way about courts and even though my attorney said I didn’t have to be there unless he tells me differently I’m pretty sure I’m going to go to each scheduled hearing.  Until it’s resolved.  
 

have a great evening and a good night.

 

hugs

 

Willow

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@WillowI get your point. The way we've handled this has been through a mediator. We each submitted financial disclosure forms, which were used to formulate maintenance, child support, life and health insurance, etc. We have worked together to work out the specifics regarding the house and associated ongoing expenses (no mortgage). This has all been put in legal mumbojumbo and appropriate court documents. Last review wast today, wife, mediator, and myself. One final document signed, ready for submission, the other one will be in a few days. Request for dissolution has already been filed. Now it is just a formality for the judge to sign off.

 

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

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Good morning!

 

Had my fifth cut and color (I think) since I started the coming out mode, second one at the place I found on strandsfortrans.com.  I kinda thought I'd be getting over the emotional reaction to getting the hair done, but nope.  A few tears again, and a hug from the stylist. Maybe next time it'll be just another hair cut. 

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3 hours ago, RhondaS said:

A few tears again, and a hug from the stylist.

I am so jealous.  My lack of hair is a major trigger for me…  sigh.

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Day that they announced Roe was overturned- depressed, cries. Felt like I turned a point. 

Like up to now, I had been really careful to align with cis hetero culture living in the 'white' neighborhood and being "appropriate"- the nice, unthreatening trans girl I guess? "Please accept me and like me".

Nah, if it's a warzone out there then I've no more f-##$ to give. It's YOUR problem if you don't like what you see. I'm at the grocery in my pajama pants and crop top.

Up to then I was still pretty preoccupied with fears of eviction, etc. But when you realize you may end up literally fighting for your existence, kinda changes things.

Then name change paperwork arrived. 

More cries....but joyful.

Then visited my special friend and we just hung out and talked and ordered pizza. Might turn into a "thing" as she says.

I am having some deep feels. I basically ended up telling her how much she meant to me and confessing my love without actually using that word. Fear is I don't want to mess it up. We are really having a good time. No intimacy. She said she's not bi but then admitted she had some deep feels for another girl once, non sexual. 

 But it's all happened naturally so far. Last night I ended my text with "Love ya", justification being most of my other women friends and I ended up saying that, but honestly I really have wanted to say I love you. But she replied "Love you too".

Ugh. So sweet.

Actually, I am pretty darn happy with that. She is attractive, tall, smart, (a mechanical engineer), and hilarious. Go ahead and be jealous.

But it's different this time. I actually really care about this person deeply. Libido stuff isn't even on the table. I think about what intimacy might be like (probably HAWT lol), but really the relationship has a mind of it's own and things arise so naturally and spontaneously....I can perhaps try to imagine she might think the last thing she ever expected would be being with a trans girl too, possibly. And she is too, in a new season of life.

There's probably a lot that I am missing since I am usually dull as a cow in relationships.

Sorry for TMI, haven't been with my therapist in awhile. 

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