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Good morning All. Coffees on.


KymmieL

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The daily slog of recovery continues. I haven't had anyone come by the place in almost 2 days except a neighbor who drop off some indian food and only stayed for 10 minutes. It was clear to her I was toast.  Most of my support people aren't around during biz/school hours and by the time the late afternoon comes around I just don't have the energy to be social.  I have had a weird 24 hours.

Last night I was so swollen I seriously didn't want to dilate. Well, better to say I considered not dilating very seriously because of how sore it was already down there and my pain threshold had just about reached its limits.  My daily cycle of dilation leads to more swelling and pain which takes a while to recover from and then I have to repeat but it gets worse with each one as the day goes on.  I delayed the last one last night for 2 hours just to get the emotional strength to get through it.  The only saving grace to the last one is at the end, I just wipe up a little, throw an ice pack on a pass out for the night. 

This morning I woke up after a nightmare, more on that in a minute, and realized the coochy almost felt OK. Mind you, still swollen and full of sutures but the pain was just a trickle in the mind.  I didn't want to move. I knew as soon as I got up, made coffee, went to the toilet, brushed the teeth and got back for coffee in bed things would be inflamed and miserable and I would have to do my dilation.  I literally laid there for an hour refusing to start the process. Wasn't until 9am that I got my first cup of coffee.  

Nightmare:  So I don't remember the details but the gist of it was I was feeling somewhat "aroused" but it felt like and saw myself with an erection and my nightmare involved being confused and thinking my surgery was just a dream and I still had all of my man parts. I awoke crying and quickly turned on the lights and looked under the sheets because it still felt like I was aroused and everything was still there. Of course I was relieved to see that I did indeed have a vaginoplasty.  I think what is happening is a form of ghost pain. The nerves are relatively still intact but put into a different physical form but my brain can't tell the difference so things still feel like they did pre-op.  I'm sure my brain will reconfigure at some point but it is causing almost more dysphoria/emotional distress than when I had the old parts.  

This is going to be a longer and harder recovery than I think I anticipated.  

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Update, TJ is ok.  Further tests by a pediatric hematologist showed it was an iron deficiency.  Thanks for prayers.

 

Willow 

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Thanks @Willow@Mandy Jo @Ivyfor the good cheer.

Tough day in some ways but doing OK and scoring victories. Got Internet back on after roofers cut the cable through, so I'm here! Good to have when sick in bed. Pain not bad now, getting rest.

Great to be here. Hugs all!

— Davie

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3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

The nerves are relatively still intact but put into a different physical form but my brain can't tell the difference so things still feel like they did pre-op.

 

Yes, that is normal.  It took me a year for my brain to remap the various nerve endings to where they ended up.  Even now, certain sensations are confusing because up can feel like up is down.

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6 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

The daily slog of recovery continues. I haven't had anyone come by the place in almost 2 days except a neighbor who drop off some indian food and only stayed for 10 minutes. It was clear to her I was toast.  Most of my support people aren't around during biz/school hours and by the time the late afternoon comes around I just don't have the energy to be social.  I have had a weird 24 hours.

Last night I was so swollen I seriously didn't want to dilate. Well, better to say I considered not dilating very seriously because of how sore it was already down there and my pain threshold had just about reached its limits.  My daily cycle of dilation leads to more swelling and pain which takes a while to recover from and then I have to repeat but it gets worse with each one as the day goes on.  I delayed the last one last night for 2 hours just to get the emotional strength to get through it.  The only saving grace to the last one is at the end, I just wipe up a little, throw an ice pack on a pass out for the night. 

This morning I woke up after a nightmare, more on that in a minute, and realized the coochy almost felt OK. Mind you, still swollen and full of sutures but the pain was just a trickle in the mind.  I didn't want to move. I knew as soon as I got up, made coffee, went to the toilet, brushed the teeth and got back for coffee in bed things would be inflamed and miserable and I would have to do my dilation.  I literally laid there for an hour refusing to start the process. Wasn't until 9am that I got my first cup of coffee.  

Nightmare:  So I don't remember the details but the gist of it was I was feeling somewhat "aroused" but it felt like and saw myself with an erection and my nightmare involved being confused and thinking my surgery was just a dream and I still had all of my man parts. I awoke crying and quickly turned on the lights and looked under the sheets because it still felt like I was aroused and everything was still there. Of course I was relieved to see that I did indeed have a vaginoplasty.  I think what is happening is a form of ghost pain. The nerves are relatively still intact but put into a different physical form but my brain can't tell the difference so things still feel like they did pre-op.  I'm sure my brain will reconfigure at some point but it is causing almost more dysphoria/emotional distress than when I had the old parts.  

This is going to be a longer and harder recovery than I think I anticipated.  

Oh honey that sounds awful 😞 I’m on the fence about vulvo v vag. I talked to a social worker from Kaiser about it yesterday and said I thought it would be cool to go all the way but at my age not sure if I wanted all the maintenance that comes with it. She put me in for a vag in the letter. Consult won’t be a while so I have time to think about it. I’m pulling for you to come through this experience with flying colors! 
 

one of the questions the SW drilled on was a support system which I currently have. I can’t imagine the distress you must be feeling at this critical time. A tip she mentioned to me to get through it was to remember to breathe into the stomach. Not sure if that related in your case. 
 

you’ve got this! You can do it!

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Found a great hair salon that actually treated me well and did a good job.The stylist that did mine said they get mtf crossdressers and transgender women in and listen which I saw right away

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1 hour ago, Aggie1 said:

I’m on the fence about vulvo v vag. I talked to a social worker from Kaiser about it yesterday and said I thought it would be cool to go all the way but at my age not sure if I wanted all the maintenance that comes with it.

 

I scheduled a couple of sessions with my therapist to talk about exactly that.  After talking about it for a while, she summarized by saying that the only reason for me to get the full vaginoplasty was (1) if my current marriage ended, and (2) if I met and dated another woman, and (3) if she wanted me to have a vagina to play in.  I agreed that that was an accurate summation, and that it was a very long shot.  It wasn't worth the more extensive surgery and the upkeep, just for that very specific long shot. 

 

So I got the vulvoplasty, and I am happy I did.  If that long-shot circumstances ever occurs, I'll have some 'splaining to do.  But then it wouldn't be the first thing I'd have to explain, so no big deal.

 

I'm not suggesting what you should do, just how I resolved the decision, in case it helps you.

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12 minutes ago, Mandy Jo said:

Found a great hair salon that actually treated me well and did a good job.The stylist that did mine said they get mtf crossdressers and transgender women in and listen which I saw right away

I have an even better situation in that my stylist has a transgender son. She was very empathetic and has been great. A number of the stylists I have met at the shop like taking care of us in that many of us get our hair done more frequently than cisgender women.

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1 minute ago, KathyLauren said:

 

I scheduled a couple of sessions with my therapist to talk about exactly that.  After talking about it for a while, she summarized by saying that the only reason for me to get the full vaginoplasty was (1) if my current marriage ended, and (2) if I met and dated another woman, and (3) if she wanted me to have a vagina to play in.  I agreed that that was an accurate summation, and that it was a very long shot.  It wasn't worth the more extensive surgery and the upkeep, just for that very specific long shot. 

 

So I got the vulvoplasty, and I am happy I did.  If that long-shot circumstances ever occurs, I'll have some 'splaining to do.  But then it wouldn't be the first thing I'd have to explain, so no big deal.

 

I'm not suggesting what you should do, just how I resolved the decision, in case it helps you.

There is an old adage I learned in fire-rescue about safety gear, and it is somewhat fitting in this situation: "It is better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it."

 

I am waiting on my date. My only question to the pelvic PT therapist was whether I would have a hymen after the surgery!

 

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1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

 

I scheduled a couple of sessions with my therapist to talk about exactly that.  After talking about it for a while, she summarized by saying that the only reason for me to get the full vaginoplasty was (1) if my current marriage ended, and (2) if I met and dated another woman, and (3) if she wanted me to have a vagina to play in.  I agreed that that was an accurate summation, and that it was a very long shot.  It wasn't worth the more extensive surgery and the upkeep, just for that very specific long shot. 

 

So I got the vulvoplasty, and I am happy I did.  If that long-shot circumstances ever occurs, I'll have some 'splaining to do.  But then it wouldn't be the first thing I'd have to explain, so no big deal.

 

I'm not suggesting what you should do, just how I resolved the decision, in case it helps you.

It helps!

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2 hours ago, Katie23 said:My only question to the pelvic PT therapist was whether I would have a hymen after the surgery!

I definitely want one of those!

 

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Late enough in the evening I suppose it is almost morning again 😉

 

Had a good evening with family and friends.  My newest friend is a trans girl who helped me while I was in the hospital.  Totally random, but we actually have a similar appearance.  We've been hanging out, and she's fitting in great with my family.  My husband and his friends sometimes play at the local cafe on the weekend.  Not a paid gig, just something for fun.  Occasionally, others will join them, like my husband's father who plays the piano.  I had no idea my friend plays the piano too, and she absolutely blew folks away with her skills.  She and my husband's father got into an impromptu ragtime duet.  He's normally pretty conservative and barely accepts me...but who knew?

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My wife has a picture of us together at work,she is supportive.A new co worker of hers saw it and said awesome.Found out her husband is a fulltime crossdresser too supportive as well.We are going to meet up this afternoon.With this co worker's husband,only male raised by mom  with 2 younger sisters dressed as a girl at age 10 was his starting

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2 minutes ago, Aggie1 said:

I’m on the fence about vulvo v vag. I talked to a social worker from Kaiser about it yesterday and said I thought it would be cool to go all the way but at my age not sure if I wanted all the maintenance that comes with it.

I debated the same thing. I'm not in a relationship and not interested in men so there was a good argument to not do full depth.  I have no idea what my sexual future will hold at age 56 but I figured if I go full depth, that leaves more options available to play with or without a partner.  If I decide at some point that I'm done with the upkeep, they can always do a revision and close it off. Going from a zero depth to full depth is far more complicated and with poorer outcomes.

In 3 months this will all be much easier. I should have minimal swelling at that point, no pain and go to a morning and night schedule vs 3 times/day. Then sometime after 6 months just a once a day thing. Then after a year or so 1 to 2 times a week.

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3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

I debated the same thing. I'm not in a relationship and not interested in men so there was a good argument to not do full depth.  I have no idea what my sexual future will hold at age 56 but I figured if I go full depth, that leaves more options available to play with or without a partner.  If I decide at some point that I'm done with the upkeep, they can always do a revision and close it off. Going from a zero depth to full depth is far more complicated and with poorer outcomes.

In 3 months this will all be much easier. I should have minimal swelling at that point, no pain and go to a morning and night schedule vs 3 times/day. Then sometime after 6 months just a once a day thing. Then after a year or so 1 to 2 times a week.

That makes a lot of sense, especially at your age. For me, by the time I'm likely to be able to get surgery at 72ish or so - well I'm on the fence. Hard to envision a dramatic negative change in desire in that time frame, but also hard to envision too many opportunities for having any partners. I'm still going to try to get a consult as soon as I can. The second mental health referral my therapist had lined up experienced some medical stuff, so she's (my therapist) still reaching out.

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Hi

 

when it comes to bottom surgery there are several arguments and several methods.  For example, my argument was that there was no way I was going to be penetrated so why put myself through the full vaginoplasty of any type.  But, that isn’t right for someone younger who is still interested in sexual relationships.  My other issue in case you missed it was penetration.  I just can’t get my head around ever being with a man. And of course I am still married.

 

Willow

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It's interesting to hear everyone's different personal criteria for choosing between zero vs full depth.  I'm still quite a way off from making any decisions on surgeries, but if I do end up going for bottom surgery I already know I would definitely go for full-depth. Men don't interest or appeal to me in the slightest, aside from just the occasional platonic friendship, so that isn't the reason for me. For me, it's mainly because not even having the canal there makes up a large part, maybe most, of my bottom dysphoria. (And besides, "fun time" doesn't always have to involve a partner who's equipped with a built-in "outie" 🤭)

 

Ahem, well, anywhooo...back to the coffee pot for me... ☕

 

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My biggest contributor to my dysphoria is breasts.  I’ve wished for breasts as long as I knew they were a thing. Otherwise, being able to have a smooth front which just the orchidectomy achieved that.

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3 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

For me, by the time I'm likely to be able to get surgery at 72ish or so - well I'm on the fence. Hard to envision a dramatic negative change in desire in that time frame, but also hard to envision too many opportunities for having any partners.

Yeah this.    I'm already 72, and to be honest, not much to look at.  And there is a lot of money that I don't have involved in it.  And waiting lists, and the recovery time - if you get that far.  The clothing I prefer doesn't reveal that stuff, so that's not an issue.  Sure I wish things were different down there, but…

 

1 hour ago, Willow said:

My biggest contributor to my dysphoria is breasts.

They're important to me also.  But the hormones have had some effect.  It's obvious to me that they're not just man-boobs.  That accidental bump in a doorway proves that.  They're not like impressive or anything, but plenty of cis-women are on the smaller side too.  I'm not interested in BA either for myself.

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The selfies I’ve been taking of myself recently are a step up from what I looked like a year ago. My goal last year was to focus on the internal consonance with my sense of identity, to remove mental noise. I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m starting to feel like the exterior is coming into alignment with the interior. I’m still getting “knowing” looks from people when I’m out walking, but it’s not an unpleasant feeling. More of a recognition that I am in a phase of transition, and I’m ok with that for now. However I know that a year from now I’ll want more than that. I got a letter recommending me for ffs, ba and bottom surgery, and waiting for Kaiser to set up a consult. When I look at the selfies I can see my mothers face in them which I find rather intriguing because we were never close, never got along. Maybe I had more in common with her than I was comfortable with and I suppressed that my whole life. It feels kind of weird, but also affirming in strange way.

12DD0C79-C2FE-48B6-B190-B892EF1A3122.jpeg

F38CC09C-2FE3-46F6-B4B0-E4D38A9CFC4D.jpeg

7699600C-9263-45F1-BF2B-6FD6B6C85DFB.jpeg

58D00456-6644-4D6D-A5B2-58B51CC0C943.jpeg

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I am still on the fence about bottom surgery. Doubt I would even consider it while being married. I have thought more about an orchi. Anyone have ideas what I can tell the wife why. I would get the third and fourth degree maybe even the fifth if I told her the true reason. To make me more feminine. 

 

Open to suggestions, LOL?

 

Kymmie

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Hello Good morning  everyone

coffee is hot , sweet and creamy  , Folgers  black silk is the new favorite,

 

I haven't posted in a wile , but i read the chat and follow my family as they grow

not being able to go forward  with hrt has left me crushed and I feel like a lie and cheat to chat here ,, sorry if i was seen that way  not  my intent,,,

I think i have found a possible  path forward for me , with all the anxiety i have with dr's, i have all but given up on my journey forward ,

an online co, called Plume was an idea given to  me ,, so much to consider and ponder ,, any thoughts are welcome ,,

had a chat with the spouse about HRT and the health risks possibility for me ,,, that being said ,,the outcome  was i should  attempt to go forward on to hrt treatment , if this turns out to be a workable  avenue for me ,,,  God i Pray it is,,

 

   really feeling lost at the moment like im sinking  , and scared this door my close to me ,,

    Peace, Love N Hugs

                Betty  B 

 

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Met my wife's new co worker and her husband yesterday.Found out her husband whom also crossdresses full time also has the same taste in clothing and shoes I do.Learned she wanted to be like her mom and 2 sister after she was dressed as a girl in a way at age 10.Goes by Cory now.

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@Betty_B, Don't worry if you are not on HRT. Your welcome here on TP.  When I joined here I had just realized that I was a woman at age 52. Just beginning my journey. I was told by my medical team that HRT wasn't an option because of my history of blood clots. Ones that put me in ICU for 2 days.

 

Blood clots caused by self medicating hormones. A deadly situation caused by my own hand. However working with my fantastic medical team with discussions and testing. I was finally able to get on HRT which I have been on for over 4 years. Monitored by my team.

 

While I don't know the whys of your situation. I would be leery of any online medical place. Medical problems that are restricting HRT needs to be monitored closely by your Doctor. Blood work is almost always a given. For the Dr to see what is going on with your body. Thus able to make changes if needed. Each way of administering medication also has its risks as well.

 

I know all of us here wish you the best on your journey.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

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At my advanced age of (unintelligible), I've found myself off of the daily coffee routine. I drink water mixed with a flavored powder that contains taurine, which I've found quickly provides mental clarity without caffeine's sometimes jarring effects. My work day starts at five in the morning Monday through Friday, and as a writer I like to be up to speed quickly and avoid any need to "ramp up".

 

Coffee, for me, has become a treat to be savored on the weekend. It's always Cafe du Monde, brewed strong and sipped on the deck by the pool as the dogs and I watch the sun come up. 

Kids At The Pool.jpg

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    • VickySGV
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    • Mmindy
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    • Carolyn Marie
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      He will be in for a long time based on his record.Judge is looking at that too.I credit the prosecutor not giving up on me including the police.
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    • Mmindy
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    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Glad that there's been some progress. Hopefully things will continue to improve over time.
    • Vidanjali
      Great to hear that @Russ Fenrisson . Any progress is a relief and helps to strengthen one's faith that things can be even better. 
    • Willow
      Hi @Jamey-Heather.  Nice to see you.   @Mmindy  that sounds like an interesting trip.  I’ve never been to either state. Actually I’m down to about 10 I haven’t been to yet.  And I don’t mean stopped in an airport but spent at least an hour.  I’ve also been to the majority of the US territories.  Just not American Samoa although I spent several hours in Samoa and in Okinawa and I don’t know that I’ve stepped foot in Guam.  I think we will try to close out Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee and Arkansas, then Minnesota and Wisconsin this summer.  That leaves me with Alaska.  Places in Canada I’d like to go are Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island.    Willow
    • Russ Fenrisson
      Just wanted to address a slight change in the situation.   Things are about the same but I was able to come up with a nickname that is pleasing to both me and those around me. The new nickname has been used on and off, but at least I can see an effort to try to make me feel accomodated.   I also wrote down my thoughts in a letter and after getting my feelings out, I felt a lot better. I probably won't need to use it now but if there is a time I feel not understood again, I always have it to use to get my thoughts out in a clearer manner.   I want to thank everyone again for responding and providing me with advice. I really appreciate it.
    • Russ Fenrisson
      I've also wondered about the same thing, especially since a lot of media I see, if they include a trans character at all, is usually transfeminine. I think it really boils down to what @Carolyn Mariesaid: how said individuals are perceived in society and the acceptibility of it. It's a shame transwomen and transfeminine people are made to feel bad for who they are or to be afraid of how they identify or choose to present themselves. This might be why you see more stories concerning them. To spread awareness and to show transwomen are not scary and are people just like everybody else.   In regards to transmen and transmasculine people, I've done much reading and thinking, and have come to the conclusion that perhaps such individuals are not explored or discussed is because of a private, safety factor. I've read more and more individuals have been coming out as FtM compared to recent years, such as in the 90s or early 2000's, and they may not be as transparent or as seen as MtF individuals just because of the fact they could face ridicule or repercussion for coming out or exploring their identity. It appears the expression of women is much more flexible nowadays than it was before, but that doesn't mean it is all inclusive. It probably just depends on where you are and the kind of atmosphere that is present.   What I always think is, whether I know it or not, I've at least run into someone like myself without knowing it. It provides a sense of mystery but it's at least a little bit comforting in these strange times.
    • MarkCT
      Hi All   This is my first, and in many was I hope my last, post on this forum but here goes and apologies in advance if it is a bit long winded but I think you’d need to know the full picture if you are going to give me any tips, which I do hope you will.    Back in 1963 my mum’s family (her mum, dad and numerous much younger siblings) emigrated to Sydney as “£10 Pommes”. I was two years old at the time and we were due to join them the following year but for various reasons we didn’t go. My dad had no family apart from his parents, who died many years ago. So, it has always been important to me, my wife and our (now grown up) children to visit the family regularly.     So now we get to the main point. I’ve always been saddened that, whilst everyone of my Aussie family have been so excited to see us when we visit there has always been one exception; a first cousin who was really nice but always seemed very standoffish and distant. You can imagine my surprise when she announced that she had transitioned! I’m not great at social media but my wife contacted her and they converse on and off, not a lot but as much as before she transitioned.    But now with Covid out of the way 🤞we are planning our next trip so (as my cousin is not on the main family WhatsApp group) I wrote to her. I said we (my wife and I) were going to be in Sydney and Brisbane, where most of the family live, but that Ballarat really was going to be just too much of a stretch- especially as she is the only one who lives there. I was amazed and so happy when she immediately wrote back and said she’d make sure she came to see us (if you look at the map and at the cost of flights you’ll realise that is no small commitment).    Now this may seem obvious to you but it is all totally new territory to me and my wife so we are worried about inadvertently saying something that might be hurtful.  so any tips would be most welcome. I have some particular questions:   In chatting do we always use feminine pronouns or do we use masculine when talking about the time before transition (ie our previous visits etc)?   Do we talk about his/her(? )wife, who has now gone her own way, although I suspect they are still friends?    Do we steer well clear of discussing anything at all personal I’m thinking of both emotional and practical issues)? Or perhaps my wife could whereas I shouldn’t?   What do we do about our normal big family gatherings? We’d love her to be there but don’t obviously want to put any undue pressure. We do see on Facebook that some of the family are very kind and accepting but in the cases of a good many others we just don’t know.  Thats just a few of the questions we have but any other comments or tips would be most welcome before we get on the plane from Heathrow at the end of the month.    Thanks 😊    Mark    
    • MiraF
      I think if anyone will take over the US as führer, it will be DeSantis. Trump is already being removed from his position as head of the republicans, with people like fox news and Breitbart saying DeSantis is the future of the party. Considering Trump's incompetence and Ron's actions so far, he may actually be worse.   Apart from that, I agree with you 100%.
    • Vidanjali
      The persecution of Black Americans is not analogous to the persecution of trans people, but there are intersecting features such as disproportionate levels of violence against and systemic oppression. That is, in particular, violence against both groups is not exclusively individually motivated (de facto), but is abetted by systemic oppression (de jure).  So, to gain some context for thinking about this question, I read two articles, one that argues that the 1951 charge of genocide against Black Americans is compelling:   https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2021/12/26/black-activists-charge-genocide-united-states-systemic-racism-526045   and another which argues it is not:   https://opiniojuris.org/2021/12/30/is-structural-genocide-legally-genocide-a-response-to-hinton/   This second article discusses another article on settler colonialism (linked in both articles) whose author states that settler colonialism is eliminatory, but not necessarily genocidal. The 2nd article's author further suggests that therefore systematic "crushing of spirit" may be better defined as cultural genocide, which was deliberately excluded from the genocide convention, however.   From what I understand, proof of intent is pivotal in charging genocide. That was the main argument against validifying the charge of genocide against Black Americans.    Anti-trans politicians and policy makers tend to (deliberately) mask their intent by claiming campaigns to save the children.    After reading the 2nd article, I began to read about crime against humanity versus genocide.    UN definition of crimes against humanity (CAH): https://www.un.org/en/genocideprevention/crimes-against-humanity.shtml   Note the UN definition of CAH refers to gender. Remarkably, the UN definition of gender acknowledges gender as a social construct.    Also note, regarding intent, that "[an] important distinction is that in the case of crimes against humanity, it is not necessary to prove that there is an overall specific intent. It suffices for there to be a simple intent to commit any of the acts listed, with the exception of the act of persecution, which requires additional discriminatory intent. The perpetrator must also act with knowledge of the attack against the civilian population and that his/her action is part of that attack." Do I believe the trans population is under attack? Yes, without a doubt. Do I believe it's genocide? I view this as an academic question, albeit an important one. I don't know the answer. I do think that it's possible that someone/some people in power will succumb to hubris and unequivocally declare intent to eliminate the trans population. I don't hope for that, but tbh, at least if such intent is made clear, then there is a clearer path to bringing a charge of genocide or CAH. However, I think that using the trans population as a scapegoat to galvanize ones voting constituency is ultimately of greater interest to those individuals than actually destroying us. Nonetheless, we suffer the collateral damage.       
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