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I Am Beautiful


Tessa

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Empty

 

Feeling empty inside

Need to feel

Will this feeling subside 

Am I even real 

 

Where do I go when I sleep

Does the emptiness go away 

My mind can think so deep

Does the brain ever just want to run away

 

Away into another body 

A body that is full

A body that feels like somebody 
A body that’s wonderful 


Am I enough for my mind 

Are feelings stronger than what’s true

If I search will I find “nevermind”

Do you feel this way to 

 

Tessa 

 

 

 

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Yes Tessa,

 

I love it. When I was first allowed to sit at the Big Table for Thanksgiving, we had a neighboring family (elderly couple) joining us. Mrs. Wallace was a WWII bride from Germany. I was so intrigued by her accent and word choice, that I had ask her a question. Now this was in the early 1970's so she had been in America since the 1940's and learned English as a child, but still spoke German in the home. Back to my question... "Mrs. Wallace, since you've been in America from  before the end of WWII. When you dream, do you dream in English or German? With a smile on her face she asked how old I was, because that is a very deep question for such a young person. She thought for a moment and said she thinks, and dreams in German. That's how I validated my dreaming in a fem persona, and never looked back. I learned not to share my dreams though because I was a boy, and boys don't have those dreams. Well that's what was told by my parents, and attending counselors. Today I follow William Arther Ward's quote- "If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it. 

 

Best wishes and sweet dreams,

 

Mmindy?

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Patti Anne
1 hour ago, Mmindy said:

Mrs. Wallace was a WWII bride from Germany. I was so intrigued by her accent and word choice, that I had ask her a question..... 

 

That story was really intriguing. The nature of the question really illustrates intellectual curiosity, and at such a young age. In my profession, I see a lot of older people. They are a wealth of wisdom and a tremendous source of stories. Like a virtual window into the past! Great post! Thanks, Mmindy!

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8 hours ago, Patti Anne said:

 

That story was really intriguing. The nature of the question really illustrates intellectual curiosity, and at such a young age. In my profession, I see a lot of older people. They are a wealth of wisdom and a tremendous source of stories. Like a virtual window into the past! Great post! Thanks, Mmindy!

Thank you Patty. 

 

My New Therapist has no idea of the the baggage we're about to unpack. I had my last one crying, because I answered her questions. What was your worst 911 response? What keeps you up? It took a couple of sessions to clear us both up. It's pretty bad when the group has to comfort the Counselor. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and she is a good Counselor.

 

Have a a great weekend.

 

Mmindy

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Patti Anne

Mmindy, I guess that means the therapy is working. My first session (a week ago) I cried a little, but I cried, sobbed really, on my GF's  (ShawnaLeigh's) shoulder. before the sessions when  we were discussing my family history. I had been scared to death to come out, especially to my kids. Shawna kept telling me it was not going to be as bad as I was expecting. And she was right. My 20 yo daughter walked over to me In the first 5 minutes of our talk, told me she loved me and thanked me for loving and trusting her enough to tell her such a deep secret that I had been carrying around for all my life. I was beside myself in disbelief.. She offered to be there  when I came out to my other 2 daughters and son. So I guess I am saying, is that once you get past The initial "unpacking" of your baggage, it seems to get a little better. Although, I haven't finished contacting my baggage either. I am still nervous regarding coming out to other people, but my daughter was the one who was most important to me.

 

But things get better as you ago. I'm somewhat new to this also just having had started HRT at the first of the year. Shawna was telling me how important a gender therapist is. And I totally agree.. He is kind of clearing the way for me to go forward. Keep unpacking that suitcase. The women here are all about helping each other get through this., So don't hesitate to come here for support!

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I'm so happy for you Patti,

 

Ive been watching Jackie Rabbit's videos for a couple of years, now and she always closes her videos by recommending TransgenderPulse.com. My wife' company EAP just announced that they came to an agreement with the local hospital's mental health and wellness, for seven free sessions. I seen this and knew exactly what I had to do, and there's no turning back now. I'm in for the long haul and slow ride. I'm not looking for a secret switch to flip. I'm sure my daughter will be an advocate, she may already have me figured out, because she follows my guy mode Twitter Account, and sees the people I engage with tweeting #OldGuyAdvice. My son... I'm not so sure because I mentored him into the Academy and on every one of his promotional board tests, and interviews. He's second generation Public Safety and a Leader. I'm a National Speaker in the Public Safety Industry and it's going to crush is view of me. I know he'll always love me, I don't know if he'll accept Mmindy. Again I'm going slow and deliberate. 

 

I truly love love everyone here on this Forum.

 

?Mmindy?

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Bridge

 

Standing on a bridge 

Watching cars below 

All this baggage 

Caught in the undertow 

 

As each person drives by 

I wonder where they go 

Sometimes I want to fly 

Away like a bird you know

 

 But I’m only human 

Feet stuck to the ground 

All the places I’ve been 

I hear my heart pound 

 

Like the wheels hitting the pavement

Slowly they rot away 

What has it all meant 

Another day to play 

 

I looked forward 

The bridge does end 

I look backward 

The bridge has a friend 

 

Most people pass on by 

But I’ll stay for awhile 

I’ll sit here and cry 

I’ll fake a smile

 

I’ll remain in the middle 

It’s safe here you see 

Playing my fiddle

Dreaming of being free 

 

Walking all the way across 

Someday it will be true 

Putting behind all the loss 

Doing what I’m suppose to do 

 

(Came to me. I was standing on a highway bridge looking at cars. I’m ok. I was listening to music. Powerful moment) 

 

Tessa 

 

 

 

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Good morning Tessa,

>HUGS<

I'm okay too.

Mmindy

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Patti Anne

Good morning Mmindy. I'm in it for the long run as well. Shawna and I were discussing details today since she's working on her legal change of name, etc. I came on Trans Pulse 6 months ago. When I was choosing a username, I figured Patti worked because my birth name is Pat. No confusion, right? Then this morning I started to think "do I want to be saddled with Patti as a legal name forever? Think Hamburger Patti, Patti O. Furniture, etc! Lol! No. So we started to look at different names for the long run. Pamela is leading the pack so far, but we'll see. 

 

I came out to my 20yo daughter last week. Her response astonished me. After I told her the basics, she came over, hugged me and told me she loved me and was happy that I trusted her enough to tell her everything that I did. She asked me a ton of questions, which showed me that she was sincere in learning more about it. She also volunteered to be there when I told my 15 and 28 yo daughters.

 

My son? Ehhhhhh...... I don't know. Probably not so much. He's certainly not going to embrace it. Like you, I raised my son on hunting, camping and fishing. I know that he won't out and out reject me, but he's not going to be enthusiastic either. My kids are the most important thing to me when it comes to coming out. Siblings? Friends and acquaintances? As I told Shawna, coming out will be a good filter to weed out non-friends from real friends and see how siblings value their relationships with you. 

 

Well, have a good day and remember, we're all here to support you.

 

Patti. 

 

PS, I love Jackie Rabbits videos. She's full of good advice. 

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I've always loved the name Patti, because I have the kindest, most caring cousin by that name. As kids we never thought about attaching all of those follow ups to her name.

 

>HUGS<

 

Mmindy ???

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Patti Anne

Thanks Mindi. I think that I have a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor. And of course, like most other women, trans or cis, I watch my weight  as best I can. I occasionally come up with nicknames for myself. The most recent one was Hamburger Patti. Shawna absolutely hates that!  I like the reference to your cousin Patty. That's a sweet type of person to have in your life!

 

Have a great evening!

 

Patti

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ShawnaLeigh
1 hour ago, Patti Anne said:

Thanks Mindi. I think that I have a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor. And of course, like most other women, trans or cis, I watch my weight  as best I can. I occasionally come up with nicknames for myself. The most recent one was Hamburger Patti. Shawna absolutely hates that!  I like the reference to your cousin Patty. That's a sweet type of person to have in your life!

 

Have a great evening!

 

Patti

Yes I do!!!!  LOL

I'm not exactly sure why but I hate it when she calls herself that.

 

I think we all need to have whatever name we chose be a deeply personal feeling and have meaning to our lives. Either to tie oneself to our old life or to change it completely to erase your old self.  It has to be you to you. No one else. 

We struggled to contain ourselves for so long and when we decided to finally set that person free to blossom and grow you tasked to chose another name.   Chose by feeling it in your heart and soul do not just pick one out of a hat or from someone else life.  

When you find it you will know.

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Patti & Shawa,

 

I agree with you both. 

In my guy mode life, I share #OldGuyAdvice and most of it is self deprecation.

When I use someone else's quote I always give them credit.

 

My most shared quote is: Life is a team event, you can always ask for help.

The second builds on that: Life is an open book test, you can always look up the answer or ask for help. 

 

"Listen to your elders advice, not because they are always right but because they have more experience of being wrong."-Unknown 

 

>HUGS< for you both, 

 

Mmindy???

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ShawnaLeigh
14 hours ago, Mmindy said:

"Listen to your elders advice, not because they are always right but because they have more experience of being wrong."-Unknown 

May I add to this:

"And they lived to talk about it."  LOL

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Yes Shawna, you may share any of the quotes I post. It doesn't matter if it's one of my original MMoore or a credited quotes.

 

Another favorite: "When it seems like the whole world is against you, remember the airplane take off into the wind, not with it."-Henry Ford

 

For me these quotes are for the benefit of everyone. I'm thinking of starting a thread called "Quotes of the Mature".

 

Hugs and best wishes on your upcoming surgeries.

 

Mindy???

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  • 1 month later...

No Where To Hide 

 

I’m searching for a place to hide 

Somewhere I’ve never hidden before 

Somewhere I can finally confide 

And end this identity war 


Judging is in all of us 

We forget to look inside 

Why all this fuss 

I’ve no place to hide 

 

So I hide in plain sight 

Feeling all these eyes around me 

It’s a constant fight 

people are blind and can’t see 

 

We are all hiding from something 

But I choose to hide no more 

Misery leads to nothing 

I have much more to live for 

 

Love me or hate me 

But don’t ignore 

This is the truth you see 

My life means more 

 

I’m not here for you

My life isn’t balanced on what you say 

I will love you through and through 

If you hate just walk away 

 

If you choose to be open 

Then I beg you to stay 

Don’t use me as a token 

My life is not yours anyway 

 

So now hide and seek 

Looking for love in plain sight 

Love is not weak 

I know I’ll be alright

 

From 

 

Tessa 

 

 

 

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  • 9 months later...

True Love 

 

Have you ever felt it

what does true love feel like 

Here alone I sit 

On this lonely life hike 

 

I get up in the morning alone 

Turn on my computer to work for the day

See if any text’s on my phone 
Isolated at home I stay 

 

I get dressed up all pretty 

But who will even see my face 

I wish I could be free 

Break put from this place 

 

I just want someone to hold me 

To feel again true love‘s heart 

Someone to be with me 

Before this world I depart 

 

by, 

 

Tessa

 

 

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