Amber Coming Out

[AmberM]

So my wife decided to help me out today with one of the first big steps I think in bringing out Amber more. She offered to do a make over, where she helped me out and did my makeup and then helped me properly putting on my wig (which I was doing it wrong ...) and making it look more natural. I meant so much to me that she helped out in this way. I know it isn't perfect, but it made me so ecstatic and feel right.

 

 

 

[Mia1982]

You look great! And I am happy that you are getting support from your wife, that's awesome. 

[Jani]

Looking good Amber!  Your wife was sweet and did a nice job.  Now don't forget to smile more.  ?

 

Cheers, Jani

[Susan R]

Amber, your wife did a nice job.  Both makeup and hair look very nice!

[Charlize]

Looking good.  Enjoy and as Jani mentioned smile!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ToniTone]

Cute! That's so sweet of her.

[Timber Wolf]

You look great, Amber!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[AmberM]

Thanks for the positive feedback. I will try to smile more next time. It kind of took my breath away when my wife was done and I think I was mostly in shock which is why I didn't know how to smile this time.

[Jani]

16 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

It kind of took my breath away when my wife was done and I think I was mostly in shock

That alone is enough reason to smile.  ?

 

Have a great week! 
Jani

[AmberM]

Well, I know it has been a bit since I checked in. Life has been pretty busy with work and some other things going on. Since doing the makeover with my wife, I have had thoughts about how much I enjoyed the way that I felt with the makeup and hair done. Originally, I was going on with a longer plan of heading down the path of transitioning, except, in talking with my therapist, it feels like my weeknight transformations aren't cutting it anymore with dealing with the gender dysphoric feelings. So that has been having me think more here recently, do I adjust what I thought was the ideal timeline, at least with starting hormones. I see my general practitioner at the end of October, and I think I have decided that I might at least have the initial discussion about trying hormones. I have talked it over with my wife and she didn’t like the timeline advancing so much, but is okay as long as we just start with information.

 

I am excited also for Halloween this year. There is a multiple night charity Halloween fetish party that I am going to volunteer at, and I am thinking I am going to go fully dressed this year en femme. I am excited and nervous at the idea of bringing Amber out, but it also seems like the perfect time because it won’t be so weird given the venue. There are some thoughts that I can’t figure out this far in advance, like if/when I have to go to the bathroom, which do I use? I know I will be out as Amber, but I am not sure that I will be seen as a woman there. I am also just scared of being accepted. I did sign up to volunteer using my male name since it was through Facebook, and I didn’t want to confuse the poor woman managing all the volunteers with different names, also if they check ID, the ID has my male name anyways. Just feeds into that excitement and fear about going out for the first time in public fully as Amber. I bought a renaissance style dress, I have the wig in mind, and for the first night, I think I am going to add something like a tiara to go with the theme. The second night, I am going to try an edgy eye shadow look to go with the second nights theme.

 

Just trying to breathe ?

[AmberM]

So, with all the positive steps I have been making there seems to be this invisible wall that I am scared to cross. I feel like I don’t have the confidence yet to really try going out as Amber yet, but I have a strong desire to do so. I have gone to my therapist for the first time dressed this past week, which felt really good, so I know that I am headed down the right path. I am just not sure how to dig in and get the courage to do it in a normal public setting.

 

I have been trying to think of more safe places that I could go out dressed as Amber, which I would hope will help my growing depression and the distress that I am feeling. I actually have had symptoms return that I thought I have kicked, so I know that I need to do something. There have been thoughts of self-harm and some suicidal ideation. I am just trying to manage the slow path, but it is hard to do. I think I have a fear that I am going to stop if I don’t continue to push.

 

I am a part of a mental health peer support group, and I have thought about coming out there. This would possibly give me another safe space, I just haven’t figured out if it is safe enough to come out about this and again, manage negative reactions to me being authentic.

[Charlize]

Finding places where i felt comfortable with others being myself was difficult.  Over time i was able to let go of the fear and step out.  Each time i paused, found my footing and gained a bit of comfort before stepping out again.  Some of those first steps were in support groups or unfortunately for this alcoholic at gay bars.  Eventually i did come out to a support group of sorts.  In my case it was AA.  That was a huge step for me and helped me find myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[AmberM]

So, a friend that I recently came out to is hosting a Burlesque and Drag show at a local bar this weekend, and I was invited to go (not to participate) as a way to get out. I am really thinking about going out as Amber. It feels like a golden opportunity that I don’t want to give up. So, does anybody have pointers for going out for the first time? Things that they wish they knew or things that made it easier?

 

I am both nervous and excited at doing this.

[Jani]

Go and have fun.  Don't worry.  I'm sure your friend will be watching your back. 

 

Jani

[AmberM]

I did end up going out as Amber last night to the Burlesque event, and it was a blast. It was super nerve-wracking walking to the car, walking to the venue at first, but I survived and didn’t run away, which I am super proud of. The friend that was hosting the event I didn’t even recognize me at first to be honest, which was kind of a surprise to me.

 

I feel like I enjoyed being out as Amber, and it is something I want to do more. There is still a new level of fear also I am finding when it comes to being out as a woman that I didn’t really expect. I think it is a mix of 1.) being found out that I am simply trans, and 2.) just the relative safety presenting myself as a woman and the level of danger that comes with that.

 

My experience has only showed me that I am down the right path. I can’t wait for my hair to grow long enough to be styled so I don’t need the wig (I got used to it, but don’t love it). I also need to find more safe spaces where I can be Amber to build up my confidence and find more people who can be a point of support. I wish there were things other than bars, and I am sure there are, I just need to find them.

[Jackie C.]

The fear goes away. I think we're all a bit anxious the first... couple... dozen... times we go out presenting as our true selves. I have a friend who likened us to "vampires" because people who are newly out and trans tend to only come out at night and shy away from crowds and open spaces. The first few times are nerve wracking.

 

Then, after a while, it becomes natural. While I was in line at the Secretary of State (name change, I'm official now), another woman struck up a conversation with me and it was just two women talking. When I'm at the gym, it's just me talking to another woman (that's the one that shocked me. My body type is not particularly feminine... think a log with small breasts... but I still get correctly gendered. I THINK it's posture, the way I stand, how I walk, and how I sound when I open my mouth but I just take it as a blessing). I converse with people. I help people. I buy my things. Now it's just me out in the world.

 

I think that, in the beginning, we're too hung up on what other people think of us and how they'll react. The fact is that most people don't notice. More don't care. Some people react in ways you don't expect and I'm sure some people will sternly disapprove (I haven't run into a lot of that... I'm sorry if you have). In the end though, being authentic is more important than what other people think. Be honest. Be yourself.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I think that, in the beginning, we're too hung up on what other people think of us and how they'll react. The fact is that most people don't notice.

 

You are so right Jackie! Let me add that most people are too caught up in the busyness of their own lives to even notice another woman trying to blend in to the general female population. The exception to that would be if the TG woman is dressed entirely inappropriately for time and place.

[Jani]

4 hours ago, NB Adult said:

Let me add that most people are too caught up in the busyness of their own lives to even notice another woman trying to blend in to the general female population. The exception to that would be if the TG woman is dressed entirely inappropriately for time and place.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  Unfortunately we find this difficult to understand in the early stages of transition.   Dressing as we would have when we wished we had transitioned is a good way to shine the spotlight on ourselves too!  As the adage goes, everything in moderation!

[NB Adult]

My heart goes out to some of the sights I've seen, 14" skirts or Daisey Duke shorts on 40 - 50+ year old women will get them outed in a split second and the god awful hate stares takes the joy right out of the experience. Poor babies, it's a tough lesson!

[Jani]

Our ego's and the drive to re-live a time we never had is very strong for some.  

[NB Adult]

Indeed so! I can recall a day many years ago when I saw my first transgender woman in a magazine and I went "REALLY!" That was the beginning of me turning into a very squirrelly person.

[Jani]

59 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

That was the beginning of me turning into a very squirrelly person.

Yes and we've never been the same ever since!  

[Jackie C.]

A friend of mine mentioned the mini-skirt phase. I briefly had one myself. I bought one short skirt and tried it on. I realized I looked ridiculous and have dressed my age ever since. Skirts are now strictly below the knee thank you. I still have the skirt though. It's in the very bottom of my dresser. I ought to donate it with some of the other things I got while I was internalizing "Women's sizes are meaningless." Even the ones that measure in inches. I own about a dozen bras. Three fit right. Where's the justice in that?

 

That's a thing people just coming out need to do more often. Grab a female friend or relation and go clothes shopping in person. If you're nervous you can say, "It's for her." Nobody batted an eye about my wife and I in the same dressing room. Get some clothes that actually fit. It's heavenly.

 

I get the desire to have all the things you missed out on though. My only regret about transitioning is that I wasn't brave enough to do it sooner. Granted my life would look very different. Maybe better. Maybe not. I would have lived it more fully though.

 

Then again, that would have been the late 80's/early 90's in the Midwest. That was a whole different world then.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

9 hours ago, NB Adult said:

You are so right Jackie! Let me add that most people are too caught up in the busyness of their own lives to even notice another woman trying to blend in to the general female population.

I agree with you both.  When I first came out I was hyper-aware of every little detail about every little gesture people made around me.  My view of everything was biased by the fact I was looking for "any indications" that I wasn't blending.  Most of it was all in my head.  It took me a month or so before this hyper-awareness completely disappeared.  Others weren't looking for Trans women or men in the crowd so most of the time they don't see one walking right by in front of them. 

[NB Adult]

Susan, you are definitely right about the initial hyper-awareness about the possible reactions of others, I have observed how a former TG friend would actually squirm in public places, her eyes would dart from one face to another to see if they might be reading her or making snarky comments. I felt bad for her, because in so doing she was outing herself and causing her worst fears to come true right before her eyes.