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Amber Coming Out


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Jackie, I have loads of Rhonda Shear racer back leisure bras, mostly flesh tone or black and purposefully tight. They are not pretty just meet my needs to minimize the girls from jiggling or looking pointy as much as possible. Being male born NB leaves me with a need to minimize the boobs, if I had followed through with transition I would jettison these ugly things and get some really pretty bras, with lots of lift. Had one and gave it to goodwill *sigh* made me look like I had a real head turning set of rockets on my chest, didn't bode well for me now.

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So, I have done some reflection on my experience of going out for the first time. I think at the end of it, I enjoyed the event I went to and the reaction others had to me within that group. It was a very supportive community, and made me feel like it is something that I could manage. We went to the final night of the event, which was the final round of the competition. I couldn’t go presenting as Amber though because my wife made commitments which prevented us from having time to get ready as Amber, which really ended up bother me a lot more than I thought at first. It saddened me, because I enjoyed the event as Amber, and feeling the general support of others. It actually in the end felt natural and like it was something that I have been missing. I found that I didn’t enjoy last night as much as I did the night before.

 

So now I am trying to figure out, how do I implant myself into a supportive group like I did during the event and let myself blossom and be myself. I am not sure that I like the idea of going to clubs, but I am okay with bars, but would still prefer other options. I have had a hard time finding events in which I can present in a safe setting to be fewer than I would have expected which has kind of spiked some depression.

 

This is just me venting and expressing my thoughts and feelings. I can say that this weekend has taught me that I am more of a person that I like while dressed and with experience and time, I am sure I will come to gain the confidence to do it more consistently when out.

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I'm sure the other ladies will have some good suggestions for you Amber, probably the first important step will be for you to perfect applying your makeup on your own so as not to be always dependent on your spouse for help. 

 

I don't know what sorts of reasonably safe venues are available to you in Columbus. Back when I was still transitioning MtF I used to enjoy going out to a gay bar in Seattle, "Neighbors," it had a great sound system, big dance floor, a big bar, plenty of seating, security  personnel and an enthusiastic mixed GLBT crowd, there were trans-friendly places to eat close by. You'll have to do a little digging to find out what's going on in your area, best source would be your local TG support group meetings.

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@NB Adult We have only done makeup twice now together, and I think I got the basics of the foundation at least. I think the next step is going to be working more with my wife on doing it where she is more teaching me versus just doing it for me, which is what I wanted to do. I think I am going to start coming home in the evenings and possibly trying to do makeup on my own or at least on the weekend, when I am not going out anywhere anyways.

 

I have looked for local support groups to no avail :(. I am actually a part of a mental health support group, and I have had thoughts of coming out and basically having my own LGBTQ+ event once or twice a month to build my own support group since the only other doesn't seem to be active in Columbus right now.

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Good thinking on both counts, I think your determination is the key to success. I actually went to one of the makeup kiosks at Macys, one of the women made me up and sold me more stuff that I later decided I'd never use. She really troweled a lot on me, I should have gone to Head Shots and had a photo done, I was never able to replicate what she had done. I did learn that sometimes less is better when it comes to makeup. 

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First off, try Bobbi Brown's makeup manual. It looks bigger than it actually is. There are a lot of big, full color pictures. We're starting at a disadvantage here. We should have learned this a bajillion years ago in High School like all the other girls. I can't completely vouch for the contents, I'm still working on it and I have special snowflake problem skin, but it was recommended to me by someone I trust. Here's a link: Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual (Ha! That worked! I may be as clever as I think.)

 

Secondly, what do you like to do? I've done the support group thing, it wasn't for me. It might work for you but I'm too awkward to make a good connection in a group that large. I ended up doing the kind of things I'd do anyway, I just did it with full gear. Full gear is less now. I used to go with falsies and pads for my backside and hips. I still HAVE those things, but I only get them out for special occasions. I still use the padded bra, but it's hard to find them in 46A. The manufacturers all assume that if my chest is that big, I MUST be at least a B-Cup. OK, getting off topic.*

The point I was TRYING to make is that I just went for it. I headed to the kind of place where I usually interact socially with like-minded people and just mingled. For me, that's a gaming club I found through Meetup. I went, I introduced myself as Robyn and we got down to business. The first time was a little harrowing, but I basically acted like I belonged there and everybody accepted it. Nobody cared. To them I'm just Robyn. Now I have a dozen new friends that never knew me before and they're awesome.

 

I don't remember if you've come out to your friends. That was pretty easy for me. I made a sweaty-palmed announcement (I was SO nervous) and they just nodded and said something like, "Well, duh." I have awesome friends. There's nothing at all wrong with going out as Amber with your usual crew and doing whatever you do together. You might feel more comfortable with a group you already know. Something that relaxes you a little and is low pressure like a movie to start. It'll be dark. People will have paid actual money to pay attention to something that's not you. You get something big and loud to keep your mind from going down the rabbit hole. It's wins all around.

 

So yeah. Do what makes you happy. Do it as Amber. Take backup if you need it. Use your friends for training wheels. You aren't REALLY becoming a new person. Amber is you and she always has been. You're just letting her take the wheel once in a while.

 

Hugs!

 

*Oh wait, there WAS a point there. As your transition progresses, you'll feel more casual and will probably go out with less prosthetic help than you are now. For now though, those falsies are like Dumbo's magic feather. If you want them for a confidence boost, go for it.

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47 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I still use the padded bra, but it's hard to find them in 46A. The manufacturers all assume that if my chest is that big, I MUST be at least a B-Cup. OK, getting off topic.*

 

The point I was TRYING to make is that I just went for it. I headed to the kind of place where I usually interact socially with like-minded people and just mingled. For me, that's a gaming club I found through Meetup. I went, I introduced myself as Robyn and we got down to business. The first time was a little harrowing, but I basically acted like I belonged there and everybody accepted it. Nobody cared. To them I'm just Robyn. Now I have a dozen new friends that never knew me before and they're awesome.

 

You might feel more comfortable with a group you already know. Something that relaxes you a little and is low pressure like a movie to start. It'll be dark. People will have paid actual money to pay attention to something that's not you. You get something big and loud to keep your mind from going down the rabbit hole. It's wins all around.

 

 

 

What a great post, my heart goes out to Amber and what you said perfectly addresses her needs.

 

The bra manufacturers and their assumptions is a big source of irritation to many. My chest size for a person 5' 7" tall is enormous and would be more fitting on someone 6' 5". It was 42" and has dropped to 40" following a 50 lb weight loss. But there's nothing one can do to offset genetic preconditions. One's only recourse if they want a nice fit is to find a custom bra maker and that won't come cheap.

 

Hitting the movies with the crew is a great plan for starters, maybe a cocktail or coffee and desert afterwards. 

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So, this week was a big week in therapy. I first off went out as Amber for the first time seeing my therapist. As one would expect, it went well, and we talked about how I don’t feel as muted emotionally when I am Amber. I can’t explain why, I am not sure if it is where I have suppressed a side of me, if it is social conditioning, I just know that I do feel slightly freer emotionally when I am Amber. We also talked about the plan this weekend with coming out to my mom. This is something that has me on pins and needles, because I have no idea how it will go. I have prepped for it as much as I can, I have written a letter to her, and I plan on sitting with her, have her read it, then we can talk about it after. I don’t know how it will go, but there is also the added layer of her husband will be there (my parents are divorced). I have met the guy only a handful of times, and he doesn’t seem overly open minded, but he also doesn’t seem to involve himself much in the lives of my brothers and I. So, it is kind of one of those things where I feel like it is an added variable that I also don’t have control over, therefore makes something that I am worried about all the more volatile.

 

I think I need to build up my walls in some ways for knowing that eventually there will be a negative reaction in coming out. If it isn’t now, it will be something that will happen. My therapist and I have talked about it, and I am not sure how I am going to handle it yet, because, well it hasn’t happened. If this one goes poorly, there is some concern from my therapist and my wife, since it is the first close family that I am coming out to. I know that I have some behaviors that have happened in the past that are not healthy, and managing thoughts and emotions are a concern for me.

 

I guess I just wanted to kind of vent/get how I feel out there outside of my therapist and I. I am hoping that Saturday goes well in the end, just really nervous for it.

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First off... congratulations! The emotional freedom is a combination of things I think. For me I'd been told "Only girls do that," "Boys don't like that," "That's not how a boy is supposed to do it." Over the years you learn to do things, "the right way." Part of that in western society is boys don't get to have emotions. Well, not beyond angry or lustful. So what I'm trying to say is because you were socialized male, you have a giant ball of repressed feelings and responses. As Amber, you probably let some of them go. Honestly, after I went full time most of my boy behavior fell off pretty quick. Learning not to go down at the end of sentences was hard, but the other stuff? Easy.

 

Bad news. I came out to my mother first. I did it in person. We had a day together and at the end I came out. There was no yelling and screaming, but she closed off her body language and refused to hear anything I had to say. A few months later, she decided that my appearance disturbed her (her words) and she banished me from her life. You need to be ready for rejection. The good news is that it's not the end of the world. Your found family is more important in the long run than the one you were born into. I got over it. No matter what your mother says, you will too.

Now I don't know your mother. There's a good chance she's not as terrible as mine. A very good chance really. She could remember that as a parent, the only real rule is "Love your children." It might take her a little time. Sometimes there's a grieving process and you need to be ready to give her time to think and space to do it in if she needs it. It'll hurt. It's not the end of the world though. You'll get through it no matter what.

Then again, she could just process it for a few minutes and give her daughter a hug. That's what I'm wishing for you anyway. Good luck and may everything come out as your fondest wish.

 

Hugs!

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@QuestioningAmber I hope it goes well tomorrow.  As to your mother's husband being there?  If he jumps into the conversation in a negative manner, I (personally) would immediately shut him down as he is not related or important in your life.  Now this may cause your mother some concern but if she is truly aligned with you it shouldn't matter.  

 

@Jackie C. I am sorry to read that your mother banished you from her life.  They say blood is thicker than water, but maybe not thicker than the clothes we wear!  She may not see you as you are and it is her loss.  

 

The only way to get beyond this is by focusing your life, and the people that love and support you.  I don't spend time on negative people.  

 

Hugs, Jani

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Well, my mom is sick, so there wasn’t a discussion with her since she didn’t want to share her illness. I did however end up coming out during a mental health support group meeting. I think overall it went well, there was a comment someone made, but I expected him to not be overly supportive. It did take quite a few people by surprise, which I consider to be fair as I can hide it well.

 

I agree Jani, that the only thing I can do is try to focus on how I feel. My therapist and I talked about others a lot and she put very “eloquently”. It is none of my darn business what others think or feel about me transitioning. It is taking me some time to get used to that idea, because it feels like I deserve the acceptance of others as I have done for them. I guess that is the tricky road that we go down at times.

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@QuestioningAmber I agree that we do feel some reciprocity is due from others but again it is not for us to ask, but for them to give.  Some people just don't get it.  Keep your head up! 

Jani 

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  • 2 weeks later...

-- Trigger warning: Mental Health Concerns/Suicidal Ideation --

 

I just wanted to check in and just kind of state where I have been. After coming out to the peer support group (mental health related), I have started going to a couple of events as Amber. It was stressful at first, but it is starting to become more natural.

 

Unfortunately, though, here over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed my depression getting increasingly worst. There has been a lot of financial stress and work stress increases. This time last year, I actually hit my breaking point and actually took time off of work to go into a Partial Hospitalization Program. I have been working with my therapist and we both agree it is probably just too much all at once, and it might be time to slow down some of the coming out. Since last year, I have had on and off suicidal ideation, and it has come back with increasing ferocity. I am not concerned for my safety at this point, because I do not live alone, and I have friends who are starting to check in more often now that I have had the conversation about what is going on.

 

It is just frustrating because a I have been so much happier being Amber, just right now it doesn’t feel like anything is helping me get out of my head. I hate having to balance all the stresses going on in life, I do want to proceed with coming out and moving down that path, just right now it doesn’t seem like a good idea to push too much.

 

Just me sharing where I am at.

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Your therapist probably has the right idea if you're stressed about coming out. I get that you want to go full steam ahead into becoming Amber full time but there's no real hurry. I know people who have been on hormones for over a year before they came out to family. It's OK. Do what feels safe. A little danger is good, too much danger is why you hardly ever see a bear in the suburbs... Do you have bears down there? I mean it's only a 3 and a half hour car ride. Then again, I have to drive north a ways before bears are a thing I need to watch out for. Not important.

 

Keep being Amber where you're comfortable. There's no need to cut back on your girl time. Just wait until your professional life is a little more stable before you scale it up any more. Coming out is stressful. Do it on your own terms and in a way you can handle it.

 

I'd work on the depression too. I've been there. It's terrible and it makes everything harder. More physical activity can help. Maybe just a walk around the neighborhood to start? As Amber or not. Take a friend. It helped me anyway.

 

I'm glad things are going at least sorta well for you. I'm rooting for you anyway.

 

Hugs!

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On 8/4/2019 at 12:57 AM, Jani said:

Looking good Amber!  Your wife was sweet and did a nice job.  Now don't forget to smile more.  ?

 

Cheers, Jani

I agree 100%.  This is so sweet!

I am so jealous you are able to share this with your wife.

It is inspiring to me that this is how it could be for me too.

I think she did a fabulous job and you are very pretty.  

Remember.  Attitude and smiles make a women attractive too.

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I'm sorry you are going through that Amber.  At times we have to step back a bit.  There was a great deal of stress for me during transition as well.  Reaching out for help from the professional health community can provide the help we need.  

There is no timeline, no push other than what we do to ourselves.  Take a deep breath, relax for a bit and keep getting help.  The feelings you describe will hopefully fade.  There is no shame if you need more help.  We all need help at times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • 4 months later...

Kind of wanting to just do a post since it has been a long time since I have done one. I have had to step away due to worsening depression. I have spent a decent amount of time not working through my gender “questions” because with the increase in depression, it brought on some acute suicidal thoughts which were made worse with my “predictions” on what my future would look like if I continued down this path. I have hit rock bottom at least once in the last couple of months, and even spent some time inpatient (funny story on that for some later time).

 

In trying to work through the depression to get myself more stable, my therapist actually asked a very tough question that I can’t answer yet. Depression has many sources, is it possible my gender questioning is part of it. To be more specific, is it possible that I can’t stabilize as well as I have in the past now because I may never be truly happy as my male self, thus meaning that though I am unstable I have to start working on the gender questions. I haven’t figured out how I feel or what my complete thoughts are on this matter, but it is an interesting question I thought.

 

I have to ask, how does one manage balancing the stability of mental health, with the need to grow and develop a sense of self that is more affirming to your true self? I am not sure what to do in my predicament, because if I push the envelope too fast, that can bring about increased instability, but at the same time, growth and comfort rarely co-exist.

 

I am scared to push forward because the next logical step of where I am at is to start talking to my family about who I am and how I feel about my gender identity. If they can’t accept me for who I am, I am scared that it is going to destabilize me even further. I don’t know if I can take another major blow right now, but I also don’t know how to not move forward because feeling the way that I do also is destabilizing the longer that I am here.

 

Sorry for the little rant, I just need to post it somewhere and maybe someone might have some advice for me. I have been looking for local support groups, but there is only one in town, and it meets during my work day, which is super unfortunate.

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Well, for me it was push forward or self-destruct. There weren't any other choices I could see. I opted to push forward. It was considerably less destructive than I'd anticipated, but your mileage may vary. I work from home so there weren't employer concerns and I'm not especially close to my remaining family (the good ones have passed). Of all the people I've come out to exactly one person has had a problem with it. That was my egg donor if you were curious. We haven't spoken since she sent me a "joke" e-mail about how Trump could become the first woman president. I should point out that yes, that was after I'd come out to her. We're done.

 

So in your shoes, my first step would have to be building a support network. If you are concerned that your existing network will drop you like a hot potato if you come out to them, you can build yourself a new one that accepts you for who you are. Secondly, I'd check to see what my employer's policies are for LGBTQ+ employees. Can they fire you for being trans? It's legal here in Michigan (you can also be evicted for it. Yay rights). Once you've identified all the possible pitfalls (or at least as many as you can identify. Life always has curveballs.) you can make plans for how you're going to navigate them.

 

Until then, your life is still your own. Spend some time dressed as your preferred gender. Go out and do something. Work on your voice. There are plenty of things you can do that are moving forward that don't have to be public. In the meantime, we're always here if you need to vent.

 

Hugs!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Fighting the fear of being “that guy in a dress” seems to have become a leading MO for me here lately. I know that it comes from a place where I am not confident enough in myself to say, that I am a woman, I am trans, and that is ok. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to get over that hurdle. Even typing the words that “I am trans” took me a second and I actually kind of shifted away from wanting to say it. It feels like it is a black mark against me as a person. I don’t know who is going to be that first person who cares enough to hold an opinion and tell me that I am wrong, that I am a pervert, or whatever other angry, belittling thing that could be used against me.

 

I reflect on the stories shared here on the site about the negative interactions that have been had, and I think that is precisely the power that I have given to others that I am not quite sure how to take back. I think that it is a lack of self-respect and self-esteem that I am my own individual and that it is ok that I am different. I feel better when I dress, and it is still almost exclusively in private since I went out Halloween. I have gone to things where it is more acceptable, I went to a burlesque competition which had transgender performers, I went out to see a live performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show, then I went to a fetish Halloween party. Of course, I haven’t run into a negative situation, because I continue to be safe about it.

 

Now the scary step, how do I go for a walk around my apartment complex without the fear of being judged? Once I open up that box, that is it. What if I run into someone from work and they do recognize me? My secret could be out then. I wonder if it is something that would help my depression, getting out, but also getting out as Amber more.

 

Just some musings and contemplation I have been having since therapy last week.

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3 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

Now the scary step, how do I go for a walk around my apartment complex without the fear of being judged? Once I open up that box, that is it. What if I run into someone from work and they do recognize me? My secret could be out then. I wonder if it is something that would help my depression, getting out, but also getting out as Amber more.

 

As far as just going out as whichever, that is a good thing.  Take some walks where you may be simply androgynous and watch and see who you meet to judge your chances of meeting someone and if you do, my bet is that you will go past each other without even looking.  See what people wear as they are taking evening walks and mentally note how many of them you recognize or talk to on a regular basis.  I am betting that will not happen often.   Next go out without make-up wearing sweat pants and a hoodie and maybe you wig under it as the next step.  Your colder spring air is actually a good disguise for taking walks.  You take these and find that no one notices you and you do not see groups stopped and talking and the path opens up for full Amber mode.  Do not wear your heels and a cocktail dress for this however, no no no one of the others will be in that type of dress.  The trick with possible co-workers is that if you are not out at work, they will see someone that looks a little, well maybe-- sort of, kind of like you and they may wonder for a minute, but will be afraid themselves to identify you in case they have made a big error that embarrasses them and makes them look bad. 

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10 hours ago, VickySGV said:

I am betting that will not happen often.

 

That's actually a really good point. A couple months ago, I walked up to a casual friend who had seen me five days a week for about a year at that point. The only difference being that I had made myself up a little more than I usually do. I asked about another casual friend. She didn't recognize me until I opened my mouth and she placed my voice.

People pay less attention than you think.

 

Hugs!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi again Amber. I really don't think that you see yourself as others see you. You're very pretty. I think you care too much about what others think. People on the street? They're probably so busy with the circus going on between their own ears that they don't even pay attention to those around them. And anyway, who cares what they think? I've found that if you carry yourself with confidence, then that sort of makes people back off. 

 

Family? That's a rough one because they have the potential to do a lot of damage to your heart. I'm thinking that eventually people will figure out whats going on with me. One of my kids will go into my bedroom or closet and see more women's clothing than men's. I only have a few articles of men's clothing that I wear when I have to. Just enough to carry on the deception. I can't wear T-shirts anymore because I'm probably a B cup. Those girls really came on fast. But if people see me in a T-shirt, especially in the warmer months, the gigs probably up. My 13 year old daughter asked me last week where my facial hair went. My family, (siblings), would not be accepting  My brothers wouId disown me. I don't really know how my sisters would react, but safe to say, they'd all be shocked. 

 

But coming out to your parents (and siblings)? Their reaction is a big one. It can make or break you emotionally. Either way, that too will pass. You have to be true to yourself. Ignoring this would be an unhealthy option, because it's not going away. It's part of who you are. It's part of who I am. Talk to your therapist about coming out and how to do it. Personally, I think a letter would be best, because if you get your thoughts across in a loving way, they can absorb it, re-read it and process it. It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. 

 

Good luck!     

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  • 1 month later...

So I have been on another hiatus while I wrestle with the depression gorilla. It actually reached a point where I needed to go to an extreme and and have been doing ECT over the last few weeks. It has made a huge difference with the depression, and in some ways it has given me more space to kind of let the gender dysphoria have its space. With COVID, the local Equitas Health actually started doing virtual support meetings, which has been useful because I can finally attend them without the level of fear and anxiety that going in person right off was causing me. In addition, the group is ran by an actual gender therapist with Equita Health Services, so I might have even found a dedicated gender therapist that I am willing to start with.

 

It is amazing how much life can change in a small amount of time, the chaos caused by COVID seemed to at first put a lot of other things into the firing line first, but really it might have helped me get started on making those big decisions being able to socially and medically transition. 

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On 3/9/2020 at 5:24 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

Now the scary step, how do I go for a walk around my apartment complex without the fear of being judged? Once I open up that box, that is it. What if I run into someone from work and they do recognize me? My secret could be out then. I wonder if it is something that would help my depression, getting out, but also getting out as Amber more.

 

Hi Amber. In the above paragraph, you mentioned the very same fears that I have been dealing with for years. I knew I was trans for years. I didn't know exactly how to describe it, but I knew that I was perhaps different than my classmates and friends. I just LOVED dressing as Patti. I felt comfortable, happy and content when I was. When I have to go back and dress as her male counterpart, depression sets in. It's almost disabling. My children are all grown up and moved out. I'm thrice divorced, so I live alone with Sylvester and Orlando, my cats(they're both very non-judgemental).

 

I was also afraid of transitioning, but figured it was now or never. I started HRT on 1/1/20. The best decision I ever made, as I knew that as the physical changes occurred , I'd be forced to come out or else I would probably lie to myself and everyone else for the rest of my life. It took 3 divorces, a Ch 13 Bankruptcy (from one of the divorces), financial ruin and possible loss of my livelihood, among other things, to motivate me into action.

 

Since I've begun transition, I've had nothing but positive things happen. I've met an awesome transwoman and we've started a relationship unlike anything I've ever experienced. She's moving out to join me in Oregon in a few months. 

 

As for your situation, if you have the fears you described, they're totally normal. And if you look in the mirror, honestly, I can't imaging you being mistaken for or labeled a "guy in a dress". Your face is naturally feminine and very pretty. My biggest fears are basically the same. If you have any other questions about my experience, just ask. 

 

Overall, I'd say 'pick up the ball and run with it'.

 

Best, 

 

Patti Anne

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  • 2 months later...

I know it’s been a while since my last check in, it has just been crazy. I completed the ECT, and have returned to work. I still work remote, which has been nice in ways because I get to dress as Amber as much or as little as I want. The only downside being that I have been missing the support group meetings that I have been going to. I think though I have come to a place, with help from my therapist, where I am becoming less concerned about labels and the attachment of value to them. I still fear the idea of socially transitioning in the family and work space for sure. Those two things have a ton of fear in it for me. However, like yesterday, we went to the Zoo, and there was an incident where a woman said something to her friend about what I was wearing, my wife and I just exiting the situation and got away from being around her. I don’t know if I am comfortable with being fully out around my apartment yet on the outside, but I think I am getting closer to it. I have come to wear capris instead of guy shorts for the time being, and not many people seem to say anything outside of the one singular incident. I was also able to go to a stylist for my hair, because it was becoming unruly and was able to come out at least as gender non-conforming and she acted like it was nothing and helped me out with a cut that was more gender neutral, but it feels much better. It was kind of nerve wracking preparing for the haircut, but I am happy that I did it.

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  • Posts

    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
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