I don't know.

[Rachel34]

To make a long story short I've had some untreated mental health issue for the last 15 years that culminated in a forced hold at a psych hospital earlier this year. Since then a lot of self reflection and actually paying attention to my own feelings(previous experience I just got angry, self harmed or abused a substance and held it all in). It has me feeling... Different. There's a lot of confusion, guilt, shame. I don't know who I am. What I am. It seems like the more I try to figure out all of this the more I lose who I thought I was and I don't know who to be. If this is the wrong place let me know I just have to talk about it to someone, anyone. I lost my insurance recently and switching over to state care as well as trying to get into therapy and med management is just being super problematic right now so I ended up here trying to find some sort of support. Anyways thanks for reading my word vomit and I appreciate anyone that takes the time to reply.

[reyindium]

We have a forum to help with self-harm specifically...and other forums that help with some of your concerns too. Post where you believe it's appropriate and a mod can always move it later if needed.

 

Would you be willing to expand a little further on your gender identity questions? The "what am I" thread is a good place for word vomit about questions you may have about gender and where you may or may not fit in. There is an abundance of wisdom available to you on here.

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Rachel34 said:

so I ended up here trying to find some sort of support.

I think regardless of you specific gender issues you can find generalized support here. For the most part, the main focus here is with gender related issues.  If a root cause of your mental health issues were caused by untreated gender issues, you've come to the right place.  Many people here have experienced many of the difficulties you discuss including myself.

 

I'm glad you found us.  As reyindium stated, with a little more information, the members here might be able to help with more specific questions you might have.  Most of us here are ready and willing to listen and help in any way we can.

 

Best to you,

Susan R?

[Charlize]

Welcome Rachel.

 You might want to post in the introduction forum.  

Many of us here have had or have issues other than gender issues.  Often dealing with gender can help.  

Glad you've found us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello Rachel.  Welcome.  Self reflection can be good.  I think it's a good idea to seek therapy as it did wonders for me to talk to someone that wasn't "connected" to my personal life.   As Susan notes there are many here with wide and various experiences that may be able to assist in your questions.

 

Please join in the conversation.

 

Jani

[Rachel34]

12 hours ago, reyindium said:

Would you be willing to expand a little further on your gender identity questions

I feel kind of trapped where I am right now. Like who I am physically and emotionally isn't someone I want to be. I've tried to make myself "manly" by working out heavily, Supplements, facial hair, etc. None of it made me feel better about myself. It just made me feel worse about myself.  I've come to find i feel more myself and more comfortable when I'm wearing clothes opposite my assigned gender. I haven't looked at myself in a while and been okay with what I see but when I'm dressed up I feel cute. I feel happy. I look at myself and I see me and I see myself capable of being whole but that I'm not quite there yet? Sorry if this has just turned into more confusing word vomit. There's probably a lot more, talking has never been an easy point for me, more so with this. 

[Rachel34]

And I'd like to thank everyone else for their replies and their support. It's not something I've ever really had. Most of my childhood was spent in fear of being physically or verbally abused if I didn't act correct. The fear didn't go away when my father did. I just appreciate the support so much.

[VickySGV]

Lets begin by giving yourself credit for things you are saying, none of us here think it is bad smelly stuff you are writing, so give yourself a break on your descriptions of what you think you are posting.  Possibly for the first time here you get to talk about the Real You and it can give you a bit of a tummy flip flop from the relief. Sure, ideas come from all over the place at first since they were all a serious jumble that we had not mentally digested.  (pun intended)  I too had to wait until my father had died, but then I could not keep hiding my truth and a year and a half after his death I spent a few days in a hospital getting chemicals out of my system.  I am not the only one here either.  If you have a question of how to live your True Gender, you are one of the bunch, even if it is to live in your birth gender, but as a person with a different view than your parent might have.  There was a musical show a few years back called Kinky Boots that had a Cyndi Lauper song entitled Not My Father's Son that a group of people I know do and has meaning to many of us.

[Jani]

Yes to all of what Vicky wrote! 

 

My goodness, we're going to see a production of Kinky Boots next month.  Can't wait!!

 

Jani

[reyindium]

On 9/3/2019 at 10:11 AM, Rachel34 said:

Most of my childhood was spent in fear of being physically or verbally abused if I didn't act correct. The fear didn't go away when my father did. I just appreciate the support so much.

God. I relate to this so much. I'm truly sorry you had to go through this. My own fear from my oppressive and abusive step-father led to years of over overcompensation in many aspects of my life. He had an impressive amount of influence over my conscious and subconscious decision making. It made coming out to my mom harder because she threw those decisions back in my face, as if they invalidated my feelings about my gender identity.

Just know the past is the past. And if your father is gone, he can't hurt you anymore...and you'll need to remind yourself of that. Continue doing things that make you feel comfortable and happy with yourself.