Re-Introduction

[lauraincolumbia]

Hi All,

I'm finally ready to do a more detailed introduction.  I've been somewhat active in the forums for months now, but finally think I'm ready to tell my story.  Not sure if this is the right place.

I am a questioning girl in her mid-upper-forties in central Maryland (Between Baltimore and DC). 

Not sure which came first, not feeling right as a boy, or being jealous of my sisters, that my mom would take them shopping, hair salon, get nails done, etc, while leaving me at home.  Not sure it matters, but I've been wearing and feeling natural in girl's/women's clothes since I was a pre-teen.  The attitude in my family was "Do it if you must, but we don't want to see it, and don't take anyone elses clothes, and don't spend money."  which led to a lifelong habit of hiding everything, not just gender issues and eating habits, but sports, music and school, and in adult-hood, work, life, income, and spending habits.

I'm married twice, to very different, yet in ways similar women.    My first marriage ended in part because of my gender issues, but the final straw for me was that she didn't want to see any kind of counselor to work/talk about her own issues, let alone us as a couple.

I've now been married to another woman for three and half years.  In general we get along great, with many similarities and interests.  We seem to love each other very much.  She discovered not long before our wedding that I had gender issues, but she thought it was "just" crossdressing, and that I could/would stop.    We start going to couples counseling, but in reality it's focused on me.  Two years later, she found out that I was back to doing it, I swore I would stop again.  We bring it up with the couple's counselor, and refocus on me.    Six months later, she finds out again. 

We are still seeing the same therapist, but by now a lot of the attention had shifted to starting a family ( she really wanted to, but I was on the fence).  My issues with gender were only part of the concern.

As she's getting older, she created a deadline, that by the end of this year, realistically before Christmas 2019, we had to make the decision to start fertility treatments to start a family.  This became intense a month ago, with a little over a week left.   A lot of discussions were "forced", i.e. things that should have taken time to work out, have to be discussed and settled before I'm ready to start a family.

A lot of things that mattered to her before, i.e. finances, owning a house, jobs, vacations, no longer matter to her.  She just wants to start a family.  She claims she accepts me for who I am.  Unfortunately, she doesn't behave that way.  To me, her acceptance is "you're compelled to do it, but don't do it".

Our couples therapist is super experienced with degrees from the best schools, she has told us that she can handle all of the scenarios, but when I really pushed on the questions of "Am I a crossdresser, or am I really transgender", she finally gave in and said she would bring in a gender therapist as a consultant, but after a month, the best she did was print out a few pages from DSM V.

So, after today's couples therapy session, I'm back to feeling very alone and ready to back to being separated/divorced, so I can figure out where I belong.

Sorry for the long winded reintroduction...

[Jackie C.]

S'okay. We've all got stories. I'd wager most of them are longer than, "Hey. I'm trans."

 

I still think it was really unprofessional for your counselor to do that though. Proves that even "the best people" can still be asshats. Going to "the best schools" doesn't make you good people. Graduating from "the best schools" doesn't even mean you're good at your job.

 

I'm also sorry about your spouse. My wife and I get along great, but unfortunately we're in the minority. It can work, but most women don't take it as well. Especially if they're so big on starting a family. Personally, I'm big on adoption but Susan and I are both genetic train wrecks anyway so I'm probably biased.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

Hi Laura, 

It seems like your therapy sessions are going no where, and fast.  This counselor doesn't know what she's doing.  As to your marriage, from my perspective out in the ether it doesn't look good as your wife seems (from the little you write) to be laser beam focused on having a baby.  She's pushing aside your gender issue to get to her main point.  I can't see this working out well.  Sorry.  I assume she is a little bit younger than you?  If she persists, adoption may be an option but it does take time.  

 

After all this time you need, deserve to be happy.  If things don't work out at least you know you tried. 

 

Hugs,

Jani 

[ShawnaLeigh]

I am sorry to hear of your struggles.  I know it can be hard.  One part of your post stood out to me though as I went through it with my second wife too. Our marriage was turbulent and rocky and hard to deal with. We butt heads a lot and it definitely looked to be going nowhere.  Then out of the blue she wanted a baby.  All of a sudden she was a loving and understanding wife and partner. Things were great! Then 2 months after our daughter was born she asked me for a divorce.  She totally intended this all along but thought it would be better for her if she could rake me over the coals for child support since their was no way she could get alimony.  
So beware the women who all of a sudden wants a baby or makes it a timeline goal and presses for it.  
Jmo but true story. 
In fact she did this to two others after me.  

[ToniTone]

Thank you for sharing this part of yourself hun! I hope whatever happens in your relationship, it's for the best for your happiness, and hers too. We do need to be self-focused sometimes though, or we might never be happy. 

 

I totally relate to growing up feeling envious of females, shopping and dressing up and all. I remember always wanting that but it felt forbidden, you know... 

 

~Toni

[Rachel76]

Thanks for sharing this, IMO you deserve happiness, I too struggled with the same feelings you have and it took a major life event to open my eyes. My wife of 20 yrs knew from the start I was at the least a cross dresser and she tried to accept it in much the same ways as yours (“I know you have to but I can’t really accept it”) type of way. Now that these things have happened and I came out as what I truly am my marriage is better. I had geared myself for divorce as well knowing her history. Like others have said be very careful of her sudden focus and deadline for a baby. Life is too short to make others happy when you can’t be happy yourself. It’s actually impossible to do. Find a new therapist and do some true soul searching to find out who you really are. Unfortunately it sounds like she won’t be able to be there for you, remember that’s not really her fault or yours, it was brought about by uncontrollable circumstances. I hope you can find yourself through all this and find happiness in whoever you may be.

[TommieAnne]

Some really great thoughts shared with you here, Laura. I'm not sure I could add much to those except to state my belief that we are not on this earth to be unhappy. Each and every one of us deserves happiness.

Time is so limited in life that it's not worth trying to sacrifice your own happiness in the (probably in vain) hopes of making someone else happy - especially if they seem to be shifting the goal posts.

Let me offer you a big hug and a thank you for sharing this.

I logged in this morning feeling very isolated and alone. You've reminded me that I am not alone.

[Jackie C.]

14 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I am sorry to hear of your struggles.  I know it can be hard.  One part of your post stood out to me though as I went through it with my second wife too. Our marriage was turbulent and rocky and hard to deal with. We butt heads a lot and it definitely looked to be going nowhere.  Then out of the blue she wanted a baby.  All of a sudden she was a loving and understanding wife and partner. Things were great! Then 2 months after our daughter was born she asked me for a divorce.  She totally intended this all along but thought it would be better for her if she could rake me over the coals for child support since their was no way she could get alimony.  
So beware the women who all of a sudden wants a baby or makes it a timeline goal and presses for it.  
Jmo but true story. 
In fact she did this to two others after me.  

 

Yikes. Maybe I AM too trusting. My brain doesn't work like this at all. I can't even imagine what kind of person would even do something like that to a partner. That's just awful @ShawnaLeigh. I'm so very sorry that happened to you.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Yikes. Maybe I AM too trusting. My brain doesn't work like this at all. I can't even imagine what kind of person would even do something like that to a partner. That's just awful @ShawnaLeigh. I'm so very sorry that happened to you.

 

Hugs!

That was my problem too.  To trusting and willing to make things work.

I was so burned.

But I survived and picked myself up and went forth.

On a side note.  I have not spent time with this child since she was 8.  She is 24 now with her own daughter.  We chat on Facebook and I get to see pics of my granddaughter.  

[lauraincolumbia]

Thank you all for your valuable insights! Love this group!

[Belle]

On 12/12/2019 at 12:53 PM, lauraincolumbia said:

Hi All,

I'm finally ready to do a more detailed introduction.  I've been somewhat active in the forums for months now, but finally think I'm ready to tell my story.  Not sure if this is the right place.

I am a questioning girl in her mid-upper-forties in central Maryland (Between Baltimore and DC). 

Not sure which came first, not feeling right as a boy, or being jealous of my sisters, that my mom would take them shopping, hair salon, get nails done, etc, while leaving me at home.  Not sure it matters, but I've been wearing and feeling natural in girl's/women's clothes since I was a pre-teen.  The attitude in my family was "Do it if you must, but we don't want to see it, and don't take anyone elses clothes, and don't spend money."  which led to a lifelong habit of hiding everything, not just gender issues and eating habits, but sports, music and school, and in adult-hood, work, life, income, and spending habits.

I'm married twice, to very different, yet in ways similar women.    My first marriage ended in part because of my gender issues, but the final straw for me was that she didn't want to see any kind of counselor to work/talk about her own issues, let alone us as a couple.

I've now been married to another woman for three and half years.  In general we get along great, with many similarities and interests.  We seem to love each other very much.  She discovered not long before our wedding that I had gender issues, but she thought it was "just" crossdressing, and that I could/would stop.    We start going to couples counseling, but in reality it's focused on me.  Two years later, she found out that I was back to doing it, I swore I would stop again.  We bring it up with the couple's counselor, and refocus on me.    Six months later, she finds out again. 

We are still seeing the same therapist, but by now a lot of the attention had shifted to starting a family ( she really wanted to, but I was on the fence).  My issues with gender were only part of the concern.

As she's getting older, she created a deadline, that by the end of this year, realistically before Christmas 2019, we had to make the decision to start fertility treatments to start a family.  This became intense a month ago, with a little over a week left.   A lot of discussions were "forced", i.e. things that should have taken time to work out, have to be discussed and settled before I'm ready to start a family.

A lot of things that mattered to her before, i.e. finances, owning a house, jobs, vacations, no longer matter to her.  She just wants to start a family. 

 

 

On 12/12/2019 at 12:53 PM, lauraincolumbia said:

She claims she accepts me for who I am.  Unfortunately, she doesn't behave that way.  To me, her acceptance is "you're compelled to do it, but don't do it".

I know exactly how you feel! This is where I am at with my wife. This happened today again after she came home from a week long trip away with the kids.

 

Every time I hear those words (or the equivalent) I start feeling so sad deep down inside; so hopeless. I can't even wear undergarments or cross my legs differently. This time I started crying. Holding back tears is one of those culturally- expected attributes of manliness. So I told her that I will stop trying to be "manly" when it's fake. There are so many ways I've trained myself to behave "like a man" that it's going to be hard to even find which parts are my true self. She was fully accepting of that but I wonder exactly how it will play out. Is my "natural" beyond her threshold? 

 

That said, I actually do feel like she will start to come around to truly accepting it. I really hope so. And I hope yours does as well. 

 

On 12/12/2019 at 12:53 PM, lauraincolumbia said:

Our couples therapist is super experienced with degrees from the best schools, she has told us that she can handle all of the scenarios, but when I really pushed on the questions of "Am I a crossdresser, or am I really transgender", she finally gave in and said she would bring in a gender therapist as a consultant, but after a month, the best she did was print out a few pages from DSM V.

Totally agree with everyone else. That's irresponsible.

 

On 12/12/2019 at 12:53 PM, lauraincolumbia said:

So, after today's couples therapy session, I'm back to feeling very alone and ready to back to being separated/divorced, so I can figure out where I belong.

Sorry for the long winded reintroduction...

Ugh... I don't have that option. I simply could not bear to be without my wife. It's not codependency, just true love. If I have to "suck it up" forever then I will, regardless of what happens to me. 

[Belle]

19 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I am sorry to hear of your struggles.  I know it can be hard.  One part of your post stood out to me though as I went through it with my second wife too. Our marriage was turbulent and rocky and hard to deal with. We butt heads a lot and it definitely looked to be going nowhere.  Then out of the blue she wanted a baby.  All of a sudden she was a loving and understanding wife and partner. Things were great! Then 2 months after our daughter was born she asked me for a divorce.  She totally intended this all along but thought it would be better for her if she could rake me over the coals for child support since their was no way she could get alimony.  
So beware the women who all of a sudden wants a baby or makes it a timeline goal and presses for it.  
Jmo but true story. 
In fact she did this to two others after me.  

Oh Shawna! That makes me want to scream for you! It's so utterly selfish and cruel. Plus, a child should never be used in that way!

[LaurenTgurl]

Hi all. Here to hopefully heal and progress in the future. Never had a family or spouse. Adopted as a child.  Parents are deceased. I’m very introverted and socially cautious. I want to finally be happy.  I’m going to explore my possibilities in becoming  Lauren full time. Hoping to find kindness here! And maybe become a part of the community. 

[Jani]

Hi Lauren, I see you've piggy backed on Laura's thread.  Thats fine but why don't you create your own?  

Jani

[Lexi C]

Wow I feel so much for some many off your right now. Laura. Your Therapist sucks...jump ship. GF..Get a GT who specialize with couple...There boat load of then everywhere.

Some of the story I heard on this share, make feel that I am lucky be an introvert freak. I could not have surive some of you wonderful women struggles..Big Hug to you all and a bigger hug to Laura. 

FYI I am wearing a mask and standing at least 6ft away from my computer .

[Maid In Bedlam]

I cant reallly add any advise to your dilemmmas. I really wouldnt as i have never really dealt with the situation so i am neither qualified or have the capacity from any real life expreiances.

 

But for what its worth I do want to say. Laura, Your a lovely person and i have read your words in many of the threads you have commented on. Whatever comes of this please do make sure its for your own best outcomes. Many have tried to hide there feelings for the sake of someone else and its never really ended well for them.

 

I really do hope that you come out of all this Happy and in a better position than what you was when you went in.

 

Im gonna send you a big HUG. Keep your chin up girl

[Traci Lynn]

Sorry for your struggles hon, I personally think your therapist has no experience with transgender identity and is not addressing the issue at all. I have been to three therapists with my wife, she pretty much rejected all of them if they posed any idea that she needed to address anything about her in our relationship. She still says I need to go to marriage counceling if she can ever find a qualified therapist ie one that agrees with everything she says. Most of the therapists we went to saw us 5 or 6 times. They all seemed qualified and open minded, we spent alot of time addressing things about me, none were judgemental, but like I said the wife was not open. Anyhow your therapist sounds like they are not open and definitely not helping. I never suggested a gender therapist as my feeling was I wanted an unbiased opinion, by definition a gender therapist for couples is predispositioned to supporting our position and educating our other halves. I may be wrong, but it was my thought not to so my wife would not balk at it. Best of luck as I know your pain. I folded under the pressure dear and gave into her desire for a baby even though i had always said those days are behind us. We both have grown children and a 16 yo at home still. Now we have triplet 2 year olds as well. So much for my thoughts.