I think i'm lost

[The Viv Element]

Hi guys and gals! 

 

I'm going to feel super guilty for sharing my life because it's nothing compared to the struggles i've seen people go through here & I apologize in advance if i'm giving off any bad vibes but i feel like i need to explain my life alittle bit so you guys can get a bettter understanding of the situation i'm in. 

 

Okay so here goes nothing... My parents discovered that I was born deaf at 1 years old ( they noticed how i wasn't waking up to loud noises crying like every other baby would so to confirm their suspicions they had to take two frying pans above me while sleeping in the crib and bang them together LOL, I was still sleeping like a log. Thats when they knew, I was deaf or had some hearing impairment. fast forward to 2 years later, I had a surgery on the side of my head to implant something called a Cochlear Implant, basically its like a hearing aid but much more advanced and better. So I did grow up being able to hear and i'm so grateful for that because I couldn't imagine a life without music or hearing my family talk, and so on. But I also got made fun of in school because of the implant on the side of the head & the fact that i sometimes said "what" alot because i couldn't hear properly in loud settings. I've had people mock me with "WHAT" but i took it lightly and always played along, I had friends and enemies but at least the enemies knew not to mess with me because I was also in good shape and won a few fights during elementary/junior high school years... So i didn't have it as bad as some people do on here and I wish i could fight/stand for you guys because noone deserves that kind of treatment. Anyways, eventually i got to highschool where i was hanging out with the wrong crowd and fell into a society full of drugs and alcohol. This is where things started to go wrong, I don't even think i was myself then looking back on those days now, I can't believe i did any of that & i wish i could just start it all over because I dropped out of highschool in grade 10... I'm 23 years old now, turning 24, With no high school diploma, With only 1 month experience in a job and that was a summer job. So technically, I've been doing nothing with my life the past 6 years & i hate it & i wish i cared then, and I believe the reason why i stopped caring then was because I was always trying to fit in with people and i never felt like myself, so I was never happy (I was too stupid to realize this at the time) and the past 6 years have given me so much insight on life and myself,  it feels as if lately, i've been getting much more comfortable with myself and my body as I transition (196 days), I dont think i remember feeling happy those last 6 years until the process started. I still get sudden episodes of depression and dark thoughts because of where i am in life right now, Not because of who i am, but because of where i am. I'm SOOOOO out of shape & i practically have no experience or anything to put on my resume as where i've been the last 6 years so finding a job is tough, especially for a person who's deaf & trans with speech problems here and there, So I figured I would get some GED books and start studying because i need to feel productive somewhat, but It's so hard to focus now & sometimes it feels like my brain is in a fog (I can't even think sometimes). I'm starting to think i might even have dyslexia/ADHD or something because I can't memorize things right away as i read sometimes. I've just been feeling hopeless about my future & I don't know what to do anymore, I have the motivation but no matter how hard I try to study or find a job, It doesn't end well. So i'm asking if anyone knows any solutions/advice to combat my unproductiveness (if thats even a word lol).  

 

I'm really sorry for the long unnecessary read & i hope you guys don't see me any less of a person... I just don't know how to move forward to being independent successfully in a society that views deaf/trans as a hindrance on their workplace or not being able to study at the same pace as everyone else. 

[TommieAnne]

I see you being very heroic as you struggle to pull yourself up. Nothing bad about that.

Having gone through the 60s I've seen my share of drugs and alcohol, plus an extra share too. While I have some regrets, I think those were not the things that held me back, but symptoms of what troubled me, which is my struggle to accept and understand my sexuality vs. repressing it to point of denial.

While I am well educated, I can promise you that education doesn't equal "smart" or "capable". In fact it can be a hindrance for many.

Earn your GED and be proud that you have the initiative to better yourself, which is more than the average high school grad can say.

TA

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, The Viv Element said:

I'm really sorry for the long unnecessary read & i hope you guys don't see me any less of a person... I just don't know how to move forward to being independent successfully in a society that views deaf/trans as a hindrance on their workplace or not being able to study at the same pace as everyone else. 

You never need to say sorry for posting something at any length.  I’m here to read about you and others and frankly what you have written is one of the reasons I love this place.  Your authentic and asking for real help.  Never be concerned about that.  But I get it...I just made a long post myself and said I was sorry for too many questions on it.  Oh well!  Lol.

 

The good news is that you are, looking at the big picture, still very young and your adult life is just really starting.  Yeah sure, things might have been easier if the followed the usual path but even that doesn’t guarantee success and that bridge has been crossed.  Recognizing the need for change is a great first step. Reaching out is next and that’s why you’re here.

 

There are lots of options out there but jobs are tight in this economy...at least here in the US but Canada’s likely similar.  I and several others just gave someone a few ideas in a recent post so here’s the LINK to that thread.  When you have any additional questions, I’ll try to help any way I can.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[The Viv Element]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

I and several others just gave someone a few ideas in a recent post so here’s the LINK to that thread.

Thank you for sharing this!! it gave me the idea of volunteering so i'm going to figure out what places are taking on volunteers around me.

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

While I am well educated, I can promise you that education doesn't equal "smart" or "capable". In fact it can be a hindrance for many.

OMG this is me too.  I have two degrees and 30+ years of highly technical experience on my resume and I am still a "knot hole".  (A phrase of my now departed father)

I know I am very intelligent in some arena's and then I feel so naïve and unexperienced in other areas. You can always improve upon yourself so don't ever stop trying or be ashamed to try.

 

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

The good news is that you are, looking at the big picture, still very young and your adult life is just really starting.  Yeah sure, things might have been easier if the followed the usual path but even that doesn’t guarantee success and that bridge has been crossed.  Recognizing the need for change is a great first step. Reaching out is next and that’s why you’re here.

 

 I was thinking the same thing as I read threw the replies.  You have a lot of time to figure things out and go for what you want or love.  Its hard to not focus on the trails and tribulations of your past and sometimes we only see our failures and not the good we did or can do.  Life is hard for everyone and there are some its a lot harder.  I think now that you have it in your mind to make a positive change and grow then you will start seeing successes vs things from your past that kept you down within yourself.

 

Good Luck

 

[DeeDee]

Viv, first of all stop apologising, your life and struggles are just as valid as everyone else's.

 

Your past contributes to who you are now, while on paper it may be lost time, you can always make a start. As someone who has transitioned you are already easy to classify as determined and someone who is capable of decision making without succumbing to peer pressure to fit in.

 

I used to work for a charity that was set up to help people who had been long term unemployed get back into the work place. The first thing we did was spend time with someone and get to know their personality - what do you enjoy doing? what things make you passionate? what would be your dream job? Then work backwards until you find something that has aspects of those that you can enjoy and find job satisfaction in.

 

Get back into a routine of getting up in the morning and sleeping at night, often sleep patterns are the first to go and they have a huge impact on us emotionally. Also start walking or swimming or something else you enjoy to make you more active.

 

It was harder to get people in the door, because UK law meant that once the disability discrimination act was passed employers struggled to get rid of genuine bad apples without being accused of discrimination. The charities long term employment rate was through the roof because the employers ended up not only with someone who was trained to do the job (we went in learned it and then taught it to the person making any adaptations needed so that no one could say they couldn't do it) but with someone who actually cared about the job they had. Sometimes we just gave people the confidence to just put themselves out there and apply for things. There may be something similar in your area if you look.

 

When you make up your resume focus on your transferrable skills for example - being enthusiastic and adaptive, outgoing, quick to problem solve, great at maths or accounting, eloquent and a good communicator and listener - whatever they are everyone has talents and skills they can bring to a new place, and make previous employment just bullet points with your education.

 

If you feel you need the paper qualifications go back and get them, just be prepared to get annoyed with those who do not take the classes as seriously as you.

 

Hope some of this is useful to you. (I did type this up hours ago but the site timed out and wouldn't let me back in)

?

[The Viv Element]

15 hours ago, DeeDee said:

Viv, first of all stop apologising, your life and struggles are just as valid as everyone else's.

 

Your past contributes to who you are now, while on paper it may be lost time, you can always make a start. As someone who has transitioned you are already easy to classify as determined and someone who is capable of decision making without succumbing to peer pressure to fit in.

 

I used to work for a charity that was set up to help people who had been long term unemployed get back into the work place. The first thing we did was spend time with someone and get to know their personality - what do you enjoy doing? what things make you passionate? what would be your dream job? Then work backwards until you find something that has aspects of those that you can enjoy and find job satisfaction in.

 

Get back into a routine of getting up in the morning and sleeping at night, often sleep patterns are the first to go and they have a huge impact on us emotionally. Also start walking or swimming or something else you enjoy to make you more active.

 

It was harder to get people in the door, because UK law meant that once the disability discrimination act was passed employers struggled to get rid of genuine bad apples without being accused of discrimination. The charities long term employment rate was through the roof because the employers ended up not only with someone who was trained to do the job (we went in learned it and then taught it to the person making any adaptations needed so that no one could say they couldn't do it) but with someone who actually cared about the job they had. Sometimes we just gave people the confidence to just put themselves out there and apply for things. There may be something similar in your area if you look.

 

When you make up your resume focus on your transferrable skills for example - being enthusiastic and adaptive, outgoing, quick to problem solve, great at maths or accounting, eloquent and a good communicator and listener - whatever they are everyone has talents and skills they can bring to a new place, and make previous employment just bullet points with your education.

 

If you feel you need the paper qualifications go back and get them, just be prepared to get annoyed with those who do not take the classes as seriously as you.

 

Hope some of this is useful to you. (I did type this up hours ago but the site timed out and wouldn't let me back in)

?

All of this was useful for me!! Thanks a bunch Deedee, Also I saw that you're from Scotland, You should visit Nova Scotia sometime It stands for New Scotland, we have a strong scottish presence here as well as gaelic classes and a few other things including pipe bands! I think you'd love it, that is if you're a fan of Scottish culture of course.

Anyways thank you everyone for bothering to comment  i feel better now. Take care everyone!

[TommieAnne]

A quote just came to me. It's on one of my t-shirts but I think it's from Tolkein's Lord of the Rings:

Not all who wander are lost.

 

I've always felt like a wanderer.

I think none of us are lost.

 

TA

[The Viv Element]

1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

Tolkein's Lord of the Rings:

Not all who wander are lost.

 

Thank you for sharing this! I've never read tolkein's version or even the newer LOTR books but I grew up with the movie box set & I love fantasy/sci-fi related stuff so this quote will be a reminder to pick up those darn books next time i'm at Chapters. 

But even if we were ever lost, its only temporary ?

[DeeDee]

I am glad you could take some positives. ? I was lucky enough to do a whirlwind tour and visit friends in Calgary and Toronto a couple of years ago, but would love to visit Nova Scotia! I just couldn't squeeze it in last time, and I am still trying to save up enough to come back. The scale of land is just mind boggling for me - some areas were so similar and yet just stretch off to the horizon. 

[Susan R]

7 hours ago, The Viv Element said:

But even if we were ever lost, its only temporary

I fell to the dark side for a bit of rebellion in my late teens too.  When you’re struggling with issues like the ones we have been all our lives and have very little if any support to be found, it’s not uncommon to stay away from the path set forth.

 

I nearly killed myself and my best friend in a car accident due to drinking at age 18.  I haven’t drank since but it set me straight...well sort of.  It really depends on who you ask..lol?

 

Take care of yourself Viv,

Susan R?