She Was Right!

[MetaLicious]

When I first knew I going to transition (before I had consciously decided), I began looking for resources to help me get the genie back in the bottle.  I would Google things like "how to deal with being trans" hoping that someone had some wisdom about how to suck it up and keep pretending nothing was amiss.

 

I came across a video on YouTube from the TransitionChannel, titled something like "Excuses to avoid transition." The nice young lady proceeded to shoot down every single argument I had made against transitioning.  One of the excuses was "I'd make a terrible woman" and her response was "You don't know that!"

 

The past couple of days I have gotten "ma'am", "miss", and "lady" from strangers, and I have come to realize that she was right.  I didn't know.  I could not ever know if I had not tried.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, MetaLicious said:

The past couple of days I have gotten "ma'am", "miss", and "lady" from strangers, and I have come to realize that she was right.  I didn't know.  I could not ever know if I had not tried.

That nice young lady doing the video had some sage advice.  I’m glad you listened to your conscious with her helpful counterpoints and did what was best for you.

 

Susan R?

[Patti Anne]

Hi MetaLicious. I know EXACTLY the video you're talking about from the Transition Channel. I've gone back and watched it a few times. It sort of made me feel guilty for not transitioning right away, LOL. But professionally, it would be suicide. I'm a health care practitioner in a small town, and it wouldn't be well received. Most of my patients are older. Colleagues would be in a state of shock. But I figure what the hell, I've done everything for everyone else for years. Maybe it's my turn. I've been battling this body dysphoria since I was a child. I've probably purged my  closet of tons and tons of clothes over the years. Sound familiar? I lack the courage to just stand up and say I'm trans and I don't care what you think. I can't really go to a therapist because it's too small a town. So I spend a lot of time on the internet (like the transition channel) gleaning information from the community. I've even started HRT on my own, which will eventually force me to deal with it. (I can hear everybody groaning. You're NOT supposed to do that!) I live by myself and live as a woman 24/7 when I'm not at work.

 

I spent so many years using alcohol to dull the pain. I quit drinking 3+ years ago and don't miss it a bit. But all those years I wasted covering up. I wish I'd transitioned 40 years ago, but back then no one even ever talked about it. Although I look about 40-45, I'm 60. So it's now or never. It's going to be tough, but I think I'm mentally tough enough to get through it. Well, what was the topic again? Because I'm sure I'm off it. Anyway, good luck. Sorry to take up so much space.

[Jani]

@Patti Anne  Welcome to the forum.  I understand your situation, being a professional and living in a small community.  First kudos for quitting the alcohol!  I was in a senior position in a large corp and I waited until I was 61 and retired before I took action so its never too late to be you.  As you are already living 24/7 hopefully when you decide to hang it up you can move forward.  Please don't look at the time as wasted.  You've done what you needed to do.  I'm glad you've joined us as this is a good place with caring people.  Never look upon your posts as taking too much space!!  You can write as much as you want, whether it be a thought, a reply, an opinion, or to vent.  We're hear to listen.

 

I hope to see you around!
Cheers, Jani 

[Patti Anne]

I think you will. Thanks!

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, Patti Anne said:

It sort of made me feel guilty for not transitioning right away, LOL. But professionally, it would be suicide. I'm a health care practitioner in a small town, and it wouldn't be well received. Most of my patients are older. Colleagues would be in a state of shock.

Hi @Patti Anne, it’s a pleasure to have you among us.  There no need for you to feel guilty about not coming out to everyone.  The girl doing the video that @MetaLicious mentioned, does not know your exact circumstances.  She has some very good points true. We all have different variables controlling our lives and sometime those variables are what’s putting food on our table.  It’s not worth the risk to come out professionally if it ends your career....at least in your local community.

 

Back in my mid-twenties I had a similar dilemma as you and dealt with it in a similar way.  I owned a business in one suburb and lived 30 mins. away in a different suburb. I had a very conservative clientele at my business.  Many were individuals who I knew personally and knew they would’ve immediately stopped doing business with me if I had come out...especially way back in the late 1980’s.  So I compromised.  I lived most of the time as a female but went to work everyday as sort of an androgynous looking male.  It worked for many years. I have thought about this decision to not come out at my business ad nauseam. I have wondered if there was anything I could’ve done differently to make it work so I could’ve presented female back then.  The answer is always the same...”Not a chance!”  I’m sure I would’ve lost my business within a year of not sooner if I had.  I have never felt guilt for making that decision and you don’t need to either. It does sound like you’ve come to terms with your decision so hopefully you don’t feel any guilt these days.

 

Thanks for coming aboard and joining in the discussion. The more the merrier.

Susan R?

 

 

 

 

[Lexi C]

Metalicious  

So happy for you. I hope you have all the joy in world moving forward.

Patti Anne

I can tell  you that felt like that less 2yrs ago. I own my small bus and most, not all, of my clients are conservative. But I was tried of hiding my self under a ton of clothes so no one could see my breast. Or wasting money on make-up only to take it off the moment I walk into my clients..So I put all my cards on the table and told everyone. I never lost one client. I did loss a few friends( but even they came back ) and a family matter no one really likes anyway. But I glad I did it. Now I live in L.A  diff from wentz you are , but I think if people respect you and care for you and know how much you care for them it doesn't matter where your at. Be safe, BE Pround, and KICK ASS

[MetaLicious]

 

On 3/20/2020 at 3:09 PM, Patti Anne said:

Hi MetaLicious. I know EXACTLY the video you're talking about from the Transition Channel. I've gone back and watched it a few times. It sort of made me feel guilty for not transitioning right away, LOL.  ...

I spent so many years using alcohol to dull the pain.

Hello, @Patti Anne!  It's a pleasure to meet you, even if only electronically!  I know what you mean about guilt - I came so very close to transitioning almost 30 years ago, but I, too, was afraid to tell everyone I was trans. Then I lost my job, and any hope of being able to afford it.  It did not help that I had a problem with drugs eating away at my income and allowing me to ignore my pain...  Congrats to you for kicking your habit's butt!  I am finally free of my shackles, and it feels good. Like, if I can shake this habit, I can do anything!

 

Jani speaks truth -  you are welcome to post as much as you want!  If we get a little off-topic, well, that just means we're having a normal conversation.

 

22 hours ago, Alex C said:

Metalicious  

So happy for you. I hope you have all the joy in world moving forward.

Thank you so very much, Alex!  I have been full of joys and sorrows since the Coronavirus started messing with my normal routines.  It really means a lot to me at this time.

[Patti Anne]

Suzanne1.....ARGHHHHHHHHH!! I was up early this morning, 4:00am, and I wrote you a long response to the last post about coming out. It probably took me 45min. When I finished, I hit 'send' and instead of sending, the server said that I need to login to send the message. So I went back and signed in again and when I went back to the page my message was gone! I looked and looked for it, but no go. So I went and took my shower, got dressed and went to my office.  The post was as long as War and Peace, but more like Dante's Inferno content-wise. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 3/22/2020 at 7:22 PM, Patti Anne said:

Suzanne1.....ARGHHHHHHHHH!! I was up early this morning, 4:00am, and I wrote you a long response to the last post about coming out. It probably took me 45min. When I finished, I hit 'send' and instead of sending, the server said that I need to login to send the message. So I went back and signed in again and when I went back to the page my message was gone! I looked and looked for it, but no go. So I went and took my shower, got dressed and went to my office.  The post was as long as War and Peace, but more like Dante's Inferno content-wise. 

OMG @Patti Anne I have done this more times then I care to admit and every time I get extremely irritated to say the least.

Things fly in other words. LOL

I have not listened to this video or sound byte so I do not know her exact advice but it sounds like something everyone should listen to if they think they can just ignore what's deep inside you fighting to come to the light.

This was me for well over 30 of my 52 years.

I hated it even, and myself for it. I did anything and everything to not be this.  I wanted to be the male I was born to and be successful at it.  Play the cards I was dealt.  

While I hid and was semi successful at being male I never ever could squash it away.  It always was there crying to be let free.

I never knew how dangerous this can be.  The mental health aspect of denying your true self for so many decades erupted in my face and caused me to almost commit suicide out of fear and confusion.  AND I knew it was in there all along.  

I am so happy and free now.

Regrets of not doing this decades ago. 

Huge regrets now but in retrospect it was not a good time to be openly trans or for me at all back then, especially while serving in the military during a time where you were not LBGT and remained in the service to your country.  Trying to be a father and husband to a young family.  So I understand all the reasons to hide and cover it up.

Its just sad and unjust we all had to endure such things just to be who we are/were/going to be.

 

 

 

[KymmieL]

Patti Anne, welcome to our little piece of heaven. Like Shawna I have never seen anything on the you tube. I am not much of a you tuber. I have watched movies you can't find anywhere else.

 

Unlike a lot of people here, I didn't realize who I was until over 2 years ago. When I finally figured out the clues in my life were telling me. Hey dumb arse you are really a girl. With the help of the VA I am in transition but due to PE and DVT I am unable to take HRT. but I am on blockers. Last blood work said my T level was 15.

However I have been married for 34+ years. and my wife doesn't understand. So that is a block in my way. She has made her position on me being trans very clear. Yet every time  I go out dressed. I just feel right. only slightly nervous at first.

 

but even with the opposition in my life I am continuing with my transition. Even with the end result being the big D. I have to be truly happy. Where I had thought I was.

Metalicious, I know I will have to either master makeup big time or go under the knife for FFS. to make myself look half way decent. I am not that good looking, I have never like how I looked. even when I was in my teens and 20s.  I know I am going to possibly need to go for top surgery.

Do I care not really. once I am able to go 24/7/365 I will be happy. That is all that matters.

 

Hugs to all,

 

Kymmie

 

[Wichita]

On 2/16/2020 at 10:29 PM, MetaLicious said:

When I first knew I going to transition (before I had consciously decided), I began looking for resources to help me get the genie back in the bottle.  I would Google things like "how to deal with being trans" hoping that someone had some wisdom about how to suck it up and keep pretending nothing was amiss.

 

I came across a video on YouTube from the TransitionChannel, titled something like "Excuses to avoid transition." The nice young lady proceeded to shoot down every single argument I had made against transitioning.  One of the excuses was "I'd make a terrible woman" and her response was "You don't know that!"

 

The past couple of days I have gotten "ma'am", "miss", and "lady" from strangers, and I have come to realize that she was right.  I didn't know.  I could not ever know if I had not tried.

I think I ran across that same video. Each and every excuse she gave, I was raising my hand going “yep, said that one too.”

 

They’re all the little lies we tell ourselves to try and convince ourselves that hiding and denying is the best choice.

 

But after 15 years (in denial) seeing the struggles generic women deal with to be (in their minds) “presentable” to the rest of the world...I’ve realized transwomen (like me) are absolutely no different... apart from the obvious biological stuff.

 

 

[MetaLicious]

2 hours ago, Wichita said:

But after 15 years (in denial) seeing the struggles generic women deal with to be (in their minds) “presentable” to the rest of the world...I’ve realized transwomen (like me) are absolutely no different... apart from the obvious biological stuff.

You are so right! I was just talking with my therapist about that this morning.  I've been feeling an increasing intensity of jealous feelings lately - generally of the "I wish I had her (blank)" variety.  I'm realizing, however, that these feelings aren't because I am trans, but because I am a woman.  It is "toxic beauty culture" welcoming me to the club...