Getting the she in me to come out of her room

[Chrysalis]

I would so appreciate any advice/consolation, etc.?

 

The male in me is 'Eli' and the female is 'Eliza'. I've been aware of the 'she in me' my whole life long. During my teen years (a.k.a. 'The Sixties') , we'd hang out in my room & grok The Doors. She and I swooned at the writings of Kahil Gibran. On the other hand, Eli rocked hard to The MC5 and double dug the rants of Abby Hoffman & Gerry Ruben. In total, I was a soft spiritual creature and a raging rebel.

Away from the house, Eli led the way and Eliza rarely came out to sidle along beside. Browsing store windows, I'd ogle lady's wear and Eliza would flash everyone. . .perhaps a pose that I'd strike for a moment or letting my walk slip into a slight sashay while I lidded my eyes and pursed my lips. I grew up in a hardcore Navy town and Eliza would be on the lookout to see if passing sailors even noticed that she existed. But, these were strapping boys just killing time until they shipped off to Viet Nam and so they were all John Wayne'd up to their eyeballs.

Around my family, just as when I suffered through the serving of my sentence in high school, Eliza either went or perhaps I sent her to her room. She'd spent almost her entire school girl days there and only managed to slip out when I wasn't paying attention. Someone would comment on how I was walking or sitting or mock something that I'd said or the sissy way that I'd said it. I had a monstrous uncle who did that to me in front of his parents who raised me. Eliza would storm off to her room in a pique!

Anyway, I'm talking too long. I've noticed for quite a while now that Eliza rarely ever comes out anymore and only now, trapped in quarantine, have I begun to miss her. I told my gender therapist about this yesterday. She pointed out that early in life, I was under a great deal of stress and fear and Eliza was often nowhere to be seen. My therapist (I call her 'Cousin It' and she's quite okay with it) asked if perhaps I feel stressed now and so away goes Eliza. There are some situations at home that have me 'a-tither' and we are stuck there: my partner and her 40 year old son who is here on a 'geographical cure'. I came out about 11 or so years ago and my partner struggled hard but has stayed with me throughout. Her son, who has to be sure that everything he does just bursts with machismo, is cool. . .unless he's been drinking. The other night, in the middle of the night, I walked out on the front porch and he was standing at the rail with his back to me.

"I'm takin' a piss, okay? Here, I got a pair of boobs for ya!"

I had no idea what that meant but went back inside and when his mother got up in the morning we spoke and she had some sort of a chat with him. The drinking will get him gone. 

In the meantime, regardless of why, I am trying to lure Eliza to come out with femme clothes and scents. However, I rarely get more than a peek.

Advice? Consolation? 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Eliza and yes I am using that name on purpose.  Welcome to TP.  I too had the female inside that I never let out.  However I did not recognize her as even being in there for many years and excused it off as fetish or strange desires, etc.  I knew I felt female but no idea why so I just did the guy thing and ignored it.  

For most of my young adult life up until recently I had tried to just ignore "her" and live my life as a husband/father/guy.  I even remember hating it with a passion because why do I feel this way?!?!  Nut I just continued to hide her and not tell anyone.

Oh my friend I was so mistaken about doing this.  (It seems I am admitting this in every post today) but I did not take it seriously until I had a mental break down over it.  Out of the blue like a freight train.  Fear, confusion, and even suicidal thoughts for a time.  I'm talking wacked out bad and I was so scared.  I always dealt with this issue on my own and NEVER told a soul.  I could not do it this time and was afraid for my very life.

I found a gender therapist immediately and he (FTM) helped me understand what was happening to me and why.  He slowly guided me down the new path of being a women.  He explained I have always been female but not a women.  I did not know how to be a women!  I've live male for 52 years!  One of my biggest anxieties is not knowing how or what to do to be a women.  So I learned. I observed and even asked questions.  

I slowly let her come out but the thing that was really weird for me is I am in a male body with a teenaged female mind.  What the heck is this!!!!   How is that even possible?

It was explained that I never let her grow up or go through puberty and learn what it is like to be a girl and then a women.  I was so fearful to let her grow and it took months for me to slowly bring her out.  All the while my male personality kept things in check.  Work, home, family, friends. Well once I came out my wife told me she would support and walk with me on this path but only as a friend.  Ouch.

So it took me a long time to swap places with my male persona.  

I now just recently admitted that Shawn is back burner now and Shawna has taken the lead.  She has grown past the teenaged stage (fast I know, but her boobs still hurt!) and her life is wide open now.  She is free and wanting to experience everything all at once.

Of course my latest issue as Shawna is my attractions and desires that were never there before.  But that's another topic.

 

 

 

 

[Chrysalis]

Bless you, Shawna! 

 

It had occurred to me when I first came out and began to really look at my selves that Eliza did not get to experience feminine friendships or to strut her stuff throughout her youth. Not only did she never get any answers but I don't seem to recall there being any questions. 

As to never telling a soul. . .The first person that I came out to, ten/eleven years ago,  was a medical worker on the telephone. She was a dear sweetheart. I informed her that I was transgender and needed no diagnosis to decide it so. I knew. When I mentioned to her that I was 57 years old and was only now admitting this to another human being, the line went silent for a moment. When she again spoke, she was crying. 

"In all of those years you never reached out for help from anyone?", she asked between sobs. 

"I didn't grow up in that kind of a world.", I replied. 

 

My first gender therapist said that I was not any sort of gender dysphoria but that I simply had a larger sense of self. . .that there were two of me each wanting to Be.

And as to new urges and attractions. . .if i read you correctly, all that I can say is: "Join the club"!

 

Your words were like a warm towel on my spirit and I thank you so.

 

Chrysee

 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Chrysalis said:

"In all of those years you never reached out for help from anyone?", she asked between sobs. 

"I didn't grow up in that kind of a world.", I replied. 

I was told this the other day in the ER when an older nurse just had to tell me she was so proud of me and so proud to know me and that I was stunning.  I was taken back at first but we chatted and I told her a quick version of "my story" as everyone is interested.  She started to cry as well and then I did.  Nice two women standing amongst all the ER staff crying over this.  LOL

 

1 hour ago, Chrysalis said:

Your words were like a warm towel on my spirit and I thank you so.

You are most welcome and its one reason I love to come here and "try" to help others while I learn for myself what it is to be me.  Sometimes it enough to just know your not alone in all this even if it is online.

[Chrysalis]

The 'not alone' part is pure gold?

[BrandiBri]

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

However I did not recognize her as even being in there for many years and excused it off as fetish or strange desires, etc. 

That's my story in a nutshell. I couldn't even admit that there was a girl in there when I would tell myself "I have to act like a boy". I thought that it was wrong and tried to stop, but the girl was too strong and wouldn't go away. 

 

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

the thing that was really weird for me is I am in a male body with a teenaged female mind

I've been on HRT for over two years and am a 72 year old going on 16! I feel like a teenager and I couldn't be happier! ?

I really have no way to help you to get Eliza out as my situation was the opposite, I couldn't stop Brandi from coming out after my wife passed away. Like I said earlier, the girl was just too strong to hold back.

 

Good luck on your journey.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

43 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

I've been on HRT for over two years and am a 72 year old going on 16! I feel like a teenager and I couldn't be happier! ?

This was actually a big problem for me as I am in a highly technical field and need my adult confidence sand experience to do my job.  Feeling like a female teenager being afraid of everything and not knowing how to do anything effected my ability to do this job effectively.  I do not understand it still but I am happy to say I am passed it now and I have not done anything to kill anyone while I was half crazy  LOL

[BrandiBri]

I get what you are saying but for me, I can be a teenage cashier ( but with the ability to sell alcohol! ?).

[ShawnaLeigh]

47 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

I get what you are saying but for me, I can be a teenage cashier ( but with the ability to sell alcohol! ?).

Its a fair point!

Nice way of looking at it!

[Brianna R]

I love what you have all said here. I’m 60 years old and only started hormones two years ago.  Like you my male self Brian kept my female self Brianna locked away deep in my mind for most of my life. I was always ashamed of her and terrified that people would notice when she “came out “. I’ve known she was there since I was about six years old. 

[Birdie]

I guess my "tomboy appearance" didn't work good enough today. I was actually addressed as "sir" by a stranger. 😐

 

That hasn't happened for a long time, and I was just addressed as "ma'am" a couple hours ago. 😐

 

I guess I needed to add some pink to the mix. 🤔

[Ashley0616]

My advice would be to get some clothing that Eliza was really ecstatic about. Maybe some scents from when you were growing up. Hopefully it'll create some sparks and she'll be back out again. She worried to come out again. She needs to be reassured and comforted. She seems to have a softer side and there's nothing wrong with that. 

[Mmindy]

On 4/1/2020 at 9:30 AM, Chrysalis said:

The 'not alone' part is pure gold?

@Chrysalis The not alone part is what amazes me. For the longest time I thought I was the only one who felt like I was really a girl inside and a male outside. I was born in 1956 and my family thought my softer side was cute until 1968, and then I was forbidden anything that wasn't all John Wayne'd up. I stayed in the hyper male persona until just a few years ago. I'm bringing Mindy out and my wife is slowly understanding us. 

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋