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ShannonB

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Hello

You can call me Shannon. 

I am living a lie. I have worked very very hard throughout my 54 years to suppress the disturbing knowledge that no one else is privy to.

Yesterday, for the very first time, I vocalized this to another human. (She is a psychologist that I decided to see.) I told her that my body is wrong. I told her that when it isn't suppressed by my purposefully constructed armor of masculinity, my inner being rises up in defiance and reminds my that I am in fact she, not he.

I know there are others here who can relate to this. 

I am terrible with all of this. Despite the fact that this has been a lifelong inner battle, I am not the best at understanding the community, the pronouns, and the correct etiquette. 

Please be patient with me. 

 

Why am I here? 

To help me decide which way to go. It's a different world than I grew up in and many more people are open to being empathetic towards people like me. But I have people in my life that I truly don't want to hurt. One of the things that happens to me is when I am overwhelmed by stress, like during GLOBAL PANDEMICS (or even less stressful situations), It makes my ability to hide behind my male veneer ever so difficult. And I resent the physical image looking back at me in the mirror...

 

A word about my profile picture. This is not me. 

Well, that isn't completely true. It was my face that this image was generated from. I did one of those gender swap type edits to my photo using an app that specializes in that sort of thing. So forgive me for that, please.

 

Ok. That's enough for now. 

Obviously I don't want to write my biography. If you made it this far, thank you for bearing with me. 

 

 

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Shannon.  I can certainly identify with your story.  I was just about the same age when I decided to seek help and figure things out.  I'm glad to hear that you're talking to a psychologist about the path you should follow, but in the end, the decision will be yours to make.  It won't be easy, and whatever you decide, we'll be here to offer support and answer questions.  You are not alone.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Hi Shannon,

 

Welcome! Many of us feel the same way you do! I call it my 'inner war' and it started when I was a teenager. I am 59 and the war is finally over. Self acceptance is a wonderful feeling! You will get there!

 

Hugs,

Kay

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Welcome Shannon!  Many of us know that struggle all too well. Sounds like you’ve taken a few good steps down the path of self-discovery and acceptance. My therapist has been amazing at helping me work things out for myself, hopefully you find a similar ally in yours. Hugs!

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Welcome Shannon!  so happy you are here.
Thank you for sharing the beginning of your journey with us.  I am hoping for the day soon for my first visit to a gender therapist where I can FINALLY share everything!  I'm happy you were able to do this and can now start down that path.


My purpose for being here is very similar to yours, and I too struggle having to use my male "persona" to get through everyday life events and the anxiety that creates.  I look forward to walking a new path together with you and others on this forum.

all the best

Kay

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Thank you all so much. 

I hope I have the time that I would like to interact here. 

 

I don't know if this happens to any of you, but there is the chance that I will allow the masculine Dr. Jeckyll to suppress my true nature again. It has been my psychological armor for so long that even though I hate it, has got me through life this far. 

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Hi, Shannon.  Welcome!

 

I can totally relate to hiding your identity for so long.  I hid it until I was 61.  Transition was the right solution for me, and I am near the end of that process.  I hope you are able to find whatever is right for you. 

 

Congratulations on talking to your psychologist about it.  That is definitely a good approach.

 

If you have any questions, just ask!

 

Regards,

Kathy

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On 5/5/2020 at 9:49 PM, Steel City Shannon said:

Hello

You can call me Shannon. 

I am living a lie. I have worked very very hard throughout my 54 years to suppress the disturbing knowledge that no one else is privy to.

Yesterday, for the very first time, I vocalized this to another human. (She is a psychologist that I decided to see.) I told her that my body is wrong. I told her that when it isn't suppressed by my purposefully constructed armor of masculinity, my inner being rises up in defiance and reminds my that I am in fact she, not he.

I know there are others here who can relate to this. 

I am terrible with all of this. Despite the fact that this has been a lifelong inner battle, I am not the best at understanding the community, the pronouns, and the correct etiquette. 

Please be patient with me. 

 

Why am I here? 

To help me decide which way to go. It's a different world than I grew up in and many more people are open to being empathetic towards people like me. But I have people in my life that I truly don't want to hurt. One of the things that happens to me is when I am overwhelmed by stress, like during GLOBAL PANDEMICS (or even less stressful situations), It makes my ability to hide behind my male veneer ever so difficult. And I resent the physical image looking back at me in the mirror...

 

A word about my profile picture. This is not me. 

Well, that isn't completely true. It was my face that this image was generated from. I did one of those gender swap type edits to my photo using an app that specializes in that sort of thing. So forgive me for that, please.

 

Ok. That's enough for now. 

Obviously I don't want to write my biography. If you made it this far, thank you for bearing with me. 

 

 

Hello and Welcome!

Happy you decided to join us. It's not disturbing to want to be the gender you feel you are. What's disturbing is how some closed minded people can be towards those who are different mainly cuz of fear and terrible education prevents them from loving the people around them. I'm glad you chose to explore and try to find your way out of that toxic stuff. This forum has more than enough friendly people willing to talk and lend support. And no need to worry bout your profile pic, though my mug is on mine, your pic is yours, it's whatever you choose. Just like the singing bass sez, "Don't worry, be Happy."

Cheers!

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Thank you so much everyone!

So I mentioned that I had been  met with a therapist. What a whirlwind! She referred me to another therapist (I must be a special case! Jk lol). I had a video meeting with that therapist and she was really positive and helpful. For example, she put me in touch with a group that meets a couple of times a month made up of Transgendered people of all backgrounds and levels of transitioning. Sadly, because of the crazy times we live in, I can only meet with them via teleconference. I don't know how to feel about that. I am a quiet observer type person. A bit of a people watcher. I will certainly give it a go and see where that leads me. Two weeks in a row we will meet that way. Then the following week I have a video call with a social worker. And the week after that I will meet with the therapist that I last spoke to .

So yeah... a whirlwind! I didn't expect that! 

Thanks again for listening and encouragement! 

Anyway, 

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  • 1 year later...

My Goodness

It's been quite a while and I have been terrible at participation in these forums.

While it's true that I have not decided to come out to the world, my gender therapist and I came to the conclusion that I should explore the benefits of hormone therapy for my dysphoria.

I met with a psychiatrist that then assessed my situation, consulted with my therapist and placed me on MTF hormones last September (2020). September 10th 2020 to be exact. She began a very low dose, and that didn't really help. So she slowly increased the dosage and it looks like it's really really really helping my mental state. I mean, WOW! It's helping my nerves, my anxiety, my moods! I actually experience joy once in a while, which was near impossible most of my life.

I know that technically my start date was September, but I set it at January 28th, when my levels were first in balance. 8 months.

Yes there are noticeable physical changes that I am not really ready for. Breast growth, small amounts of facial changes and that sort of thing. But so far it's easy or explain away.

I still don't know what I am going to do about transitioning publicly. I'm still seeing a gender therapist, working through the emotions, exploring the idea, but still so very very afraid of hurting friends and family. I also had a big promotion at work which factors in with my decision. The people that I am now in charge of are middle aged, blue collar, old fashioned people that I don't believe are going to be easy to manage if I come out.

 

I am going to try and participate here more. I need to! I really don't have anyone to talk to. As many of you know, this can be a very lonely existence.

 

Love you all! Shannon

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  • Forum Moderator
On 9/22/2021 at 11:29 AM, ShannonB said:

I still don't know what I am going to do about transitioning publicly. I'm still seeing a gender therapist, working through the emotions, exploring the idea, but still so very very afraid of hurting friends and family.

Welcome back @ShannonB. Thank you for rejoining us here. Hopefully, we can help you in some way. I understand closely what you are feeling right now. You need the HRT to get yourself feeling better and it’s helped so you CAN now move forward. Now that you ARE moving forward..it’s like….”Oh! How can I possibly do this with so many obstacles and changes that will be required?” From my limited experience, all I can add is that when the time comes, you will get through it one way or the other. I can remember hitting milestones with my ‘coming out’ that I thought was nearly impossible just a few short months earlier but for the sake of my own sanity and happiness, I made the choice to move forward regardless. You will come to these points and likely have already made a few choices in similar fashion. You can do this!? You have a therapist who I assume is working well in your corner and hopefully a few close friends you can discuss the daily transition challenges in your life. We are here also for advice, feedback, information and friendship. That’s really a pretty good start. So if you need anything, don’t be afraid to reach out. We’re here for you.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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Thank you Susan!

Other than my therapists, I really don't have any friends that I feel comfortable talking about this with.

 

I am excited though because I contacted someone about electrolysis for my face. It's something I feel I can do under the radar that will help me deal with that part of my dysphoria. ?

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