Rapid & atypical coming out issues...

[Holly92]

Hi guys, 

 

Fairly new to posting here so sorry if I haven't responded to many threads, I've been stuck in my head a lot this week and just looking for support.

 

I still haven't figured out how I feel about my gender dysphoria yet. I know I can say "if I clicked my fingers I would have been born a girl", but I don't think it's something I've ever paid much attention to. 

 

In fact, the opposite is true. I always felt not masculine enough. Feminine features, lack of body hair, wide hips etc. I had bad body dysmorphia leading to gynecomastia surgery (which was not necessary) at 17. 

 

I don't identify with masculinity at all. In my head, I feel like a woman. I think over the years I have tried to cultivate a schlubby, masculine persona because it feels easy, as though not caring keeps me safe.

 

I never grew up with bad dysphoria, never really cross-dressed or gravitated towards typically "female" activities. In saying that I also never felt comfortable being masculine or a boy. As I've gotten older (I'm now 27) I have felt more and more female, but assumed because I don't fit a stereotype it was my OCD or something. But when think of myself as a girl now I feel euphoric. It's not like the dysphoric obsessions of OCD I have had in the past.

 

Anyway, I brought this up to my partner, whom I love deeply, and has always been supportive. It's going tough though. In my head, I assumed that considering her own bisexuality, gender non-conforming friends and having a trans grandmother it would be less of a big deal. I think she's really upset though. I understand that it is a shock, when we met I suppose I've always presented quite masculine. She knows that mentally I'm pretty non-binary but I think now it's a real thing it is scaring her.

 

I don't want to lose my relationship. She is my soulmate and we are working together through this, but I feel so much shame exploring this and feel like considering I'm not in agony being a man, I should just forget about it to preserve the relationship.

 

Any advice, or similar stories, or just a chat would be really welcome. I'm going to attach a picture of me as I've looked for most of the relationship for context, and then me now with some makeup and a digital wig. I'm not embarrassed for anyone to see me, this is who I am.

 

TLDR: Came out as transfeminine to my girlfriend, didn't go how I expected, now feel guilty and wish I hadn't said anything.

 

[Susan R]

57 minutes ago, Holly92 said:

I don't want to lose my relationship. She is my soulmate and we are working together through this, but I feel so much shame exploring this and feel like considering I'm not in agony being a man, I should just forget about it to preserve the relationship.

I have to say that what you are doing should not bring shame to yourself in any way. In fact you should be proud you’re actually doing something to better yourself in the long run. At 27, you have quite a long life ahead of you. Don’t you want to live it to the fullest? I know the answer is likely “Yes“. If that was the case, wouldn’t your soulmate want you to live it to the fullest too? I believe she would if she knew how you really feel inside. Be sure to communicate this to her. She needs to know how important living authentically is to you. Hers some of my advice...take it slow...you have a lot of time. You don’t seem anxious to make serious changes but this might change once you get going forward in transition. Make sure you both transition ‘together’. Every adjustment you make toward you goal will have some affect on your partner whether she knows it or not. If you go too fast on her, it may manifest in a negative way. Also, listen to her closely if she gives you advice, asks you a question, or tells you outright something makes her uncomfortable. She may seem like she’s ok with something but you’ll need to read between the lines sometimes. Significant others seem to complain more often about their spouses moving too fast. Rarely, do you read where the spouse is just not transitioning as fast as they would like. If a problem occurs, ask if the recent change you made in your presentation, your mannerisms, your attitude, etc... bother her.  Communication is so important during the beginning more than ever. Make sure she is not on the defensive end of the discussions every time. It can happen easily especially once we get moving along. Sometimes they‘ll seem to be doing fine with your progression and then suddenly something will trigger an issue. Reach out to her and ask what you can do to help her through this. Well, that’s all the advice I have time for right now. I’m sure others will chime in with even more. I wish you the best on your relationship with your partner. With good communication and a little compassion for each other’s role in the relationship, I think you two can make it work. 

 

On an unrelated note...the picture of you presenting female is a complete success. If 100 people passed you in a hallway, it’s highly unlikely any of them would misgender you. You should feel lucky you pass so well.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

Hi Holly. I’ve just started my transition. But if there is one thing I have learned you have to do what is best for you. If you’re not happy then your partner will no be either. It’s easy to put up a front and hide but it’s definitely not good for you or the relationship. Talk to your partner and get their feelings just take it slow.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Holly92 said:

I don't want to lose my relationship

OMG Holly!   We are so far apart in years .. but so similar in life condition and situation. 

Very similar in that my original dysphoria was that I did not look, feel anything like the AMAB I was supposed to be, but I ended up trying to overcorrect for that.  Very successfully for most of my life, but then reality sets in.

I am also very concerned about if my relationship with my wife will survive.  Happy to PM with you if you want to discuss/hear more personal details, and to keep the thread from getting too long.

I think I told you before I just started therapy, and I think that will be a very important process to resolve many of my same issues that you are also facing. 
Wishing you all the best and support❣️
(btw, love you in that blue polkadot dress photo)

[Patti Anne]

Good morning:

 

This is the situation of a gender reveal gone awry.

 

Ok. Here's my quandary. I guess I'm looking for input and ideas on how to proceed. My gender counselor suggests that I give up NOTHING information-wise @ShawnaLeigh suggests the same. I'm thinking of just letting the chips fall where they may. Although lengthy, all the background information is relevant to the story.

 

I wouldn't even go into the following, but its material to the story of how and why.

 

My ex-wife is a despicable person. That much is well established, as Shawna will attest to. My marriage to her ended in my financial ruin. Thirty years of medical practice down the drain. She is one who "won the divorce battle" by lying, manipulation, etc. I have not talked to her in 6 years. I like to think that it's because she feels guilty and won't look me in the eye. Shawna's take on it is 'don't kid yourself, women like her have no remorse and no regrets for anything they do. Anyway, enough about her. She is what she is. End of story.

 

With the onset of COVID-19 in February/March, patients were understandably afraid to come out of their houses. Thats understandable, given the circumstances. So, revenue came to a screeching, abrupt halt, while expenses remained relatively unchanged. As with any small business, a situation like that is not sustainable. And the practice began to fail financially. So, with my income at $0, I did the best I could with what I had. As the cash reserves ran low, I had to start cutting expenses. My child support was/is $1,033.00 a month. As it became apparent that I couldn't keep paying at that level, I sent her an email asking if she'd be willing to negotiate a decrease to a level based on income until things improved. My response was that she filed a complaint with the court, seeking full financial disclosure and an order to resume payments and resolve the $3,999. I owe. (An interesting factoid: In 15 years, I've NEVER missed so much as one payment.)

 

So we have a hearing set for next week. But in the demand for financial disclosure, they want my tax returns and other items which include all my credit card statements. And heres the rub: I have one card that I've used for Amazon. The name on the card is Patti Anne ----, as it is the Amazon Account. It also has several thousands of dollars of items relating to gender. Clothes, cosmetics, shoes, medical expenses from the 'Women's Fertility Clinic" for blood work, appointments, Gender counseling, all things I wanted to keep private... things that will drastically change the timeline of my full 'coming out'. So as they proceed through the hearing, they'll certainly inquire about the expenses and reference my Amazon account history. Coming out in a public court hearing? On a witness stand under questioning and cross examination??  Really???!!!

 

My response? To either:

 

-Preemptively come out before the hearing, thereby stealing her thunder. That would entail telling my attorneys, my PCP, my staff, (although my staff may already have an inkling in my changing physical appearance, my trans partner, etc. One relevant issue: I lived a lie for 50 years, all the while carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. It was a huge psychological burden which led to divorce, excessive substance abuse, etc. By hiding my gender issues under these circumstances, I'm creating another secret to drag around and lie to conceal. I don't want that.

 

or

 

-Play dumb. Deny, deny deny. 

 

And to think I had my transition on track, without  any glitches. Premature disclosure will cause issues with the State Medical Board, as I haven't disclosed ANYTHING about my gender identity.. i.e., meds counseling, etc, Medical Staff, colleagues, friends, etc. My older 3 kids know all about my situation and are fine with it. I haven't told my 15 year old, as I didn't want it to leak to her mom, but my older kids think that she'll be fine with it. In fact, this will probably turn out to be a huge black eye for my ex in terms of how my 15 year old views her.

 

If you've made it this far in the post, thank you for doing so. 

 

So, any thoughts, sage advice or input?  Susan? Vicki? Tori? Kymmie? Viv? Anyone?

 

Hope this post was coherent. I started it at 4:00am

 

Patti

[SaraAW]

Hi Holly, I agree with the others, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of in trying to be yourself. As difficult as it is, the decision to transition should be yours alone and your health and well-being should be at the forefront of that decision. It is then your SO's decision if she can maintain the relationship. It is quite a change for both people in a relationship and it will take time to figure everything out. If she hasn't ended the relationship yet, that is a good sign that there is a chance for it to work out. Open and honest communication is the only way forward. Remember that both of your feelings are valid. I have been working on keeping my marriage of 13 years, since I came out last summer to my wife. It is still very rough going at times.

 

Patti, that is probably best discussed with legal council. I am not certain the ramifications to you if you fail to disclose, both through the courts and your medical board. The one thing you have in your favour with confiding in your attorneys is client-attorney privilege, so there should be no harm in seeking their advice, other than more expense for the consult. If I was in your shoes, I would be keeping my attorney fully in the loop and following their guidance. I can tell you that perjuring yourself is not a great idea, if you are required to testify under oath, tell the truth.