Adrogynous Submissive Straight Male ashamed and scared to come out fully

[FatheadedPhoenix]

        Hello All, 

 

   My name is Joe. My pronouns are He/Him, She/Her and Joe/Peach(I will explain Peach below). I found this forum at just the right time. I'm going through a lot of mixed, scared feelings that I don't want to feel anymore.

 

(I must start by saying that this post will contain some words or descriptions that may be confusing to the younger members. So if you're a younger member perhaps my post should be read with an adult you feel safe with that can answer any questions you may have on the topic or avoided all together.) Thank you and please continue to pursue your happiness in your identity and whatever else makes you feel happy and safe. Don't wait 36 years before embracing your feelings and identity like I did.) 

 

Ok now that that's out of the way and my conscience is cleared... let me start by saying I was born a male and taught to be a strong, aggressive, assertive but also a kind man that never puts his hands on women and respects everyone for who they are and what they believe. I never knew at a young age that I felt both male and female at the same time... at least not until I reached the age of 10 and gained an idea of sexuality to some innocent degree.

 

It, of course began with experimentation which I won't go into full detail here but I discovered certain parts of myself was attracted to feminine things like nail polish, barrettes and bows, women's undergarments and even women's clothes themselves. I grew up with parents that believed that you just didn't talk about sex or your sexual feelings at all. So I learned from peers and adult films instead which certainly made my understanding of said feelings a little unrealistic. I never thought I fit into either category. I wasn't sure if I liked women, men or both. So I tried everything and decided what excited me or basically what I wanted to try again a second or third time.

 

My first experience was with a male friend growing up. We experimented together until our early 20s but after 21 he realized it wasn't what he thought he wanted and we were no longer friends.

 

I had my second experience at 13 when I was violently sexually abused by a much older man several times. It scared me and I wasn't sure how to feel about it and I still wasn't sure if I liked men or women or both...etc.

 

At the same age of 13 I had finally experimented with my first legitimate female and found out that I am definitely attracted to and craved women for sure,  but I was still undecided about men.

 

I developed a severe substance abuse problem and ran wild on drugs and alcohol for 12 years before being sent to a rehab for help. I wholeheartedly agree that the drugs and alcohol were a direct symptom of not talking to my friends and family about what I was and what I was feeling. (PLEASE if you can relate to any of this at any age and you're keeping secrets find someone you can trust, maybe a parent, neighbor, other family member, school counselor or even in this forum... reach out! You don't have to do this alone.)

 

I thought the drugs/alcohol helped quiet the bad thoughts in my head and also allowed me to embrace my feminine side. It also had the ability to supress those Androgynous feelings. Both were toxic and unsafe and ruined the first half of my life. Time went on and I struggled to keep my sexual abuse a secret out of fear of him hurting me as well as keeping my questions of sexuality a secret and the drugs/alcohol until about 18 when my family found out about my addiction.

 

Back track to 13 where I had started to steal (clean I might add) women's clothing and under garments from my mother and sister. (I know how cringe that is but at the time it was the only access I had to pursue those feelings of Androgyne safely and privately. ) I now know that had I just been upfront to an adult I trusted about my feelings they may have understood and helped me pursue those things safely in a judgement free, caring way. Fear is a powerful thing. 

 

I have always known that the women's clothing excited me but I wasn't sure if it was just a weird excitement or just who I was at first. I began to feel comfortable wearing them in private without any sexual feeling being tied to it. I felt pretty. ? I'm still shy about saying that out loud to others.

 

It wasn't until my 2nd serious female relationship in high school that I truly discovered what I was really into. I loved women... and I loved a certain type of act when I had relations with that woman I trusted that was a complete gender role reversal. I as the female(inside) and her as the female(born female/female visually) with a certain attribute she wore. So when I figured out that a female could play that role I was comfortable. It was still treated as a a special treat we did sometimes bc I never fully came out.

 

I basically made my female partners believe that it was their idea and that's why we did it bc I liked what they came up with. ? Deep inside I knew it was all me and that I wanted this type of act as often as she would allow. It was the most vulnerable I had ever felt in my life and I was scared for anyone to know. It was this major, personal secret that I made her swear to never divulge. I don't believe she ever did. Even after we broke up bc I became controlling and insecure about my self worth. I basically created a rift where none actually existed. It wrecked havoc in the next 4 relationships, including my current wife.

 

I manipulated the acts and feelings surrounding my Androgynous ways with every serious female relationship I had except one which shot the whole thing down bc they felt it was weird. That of course set the relationship up for failure bc I couldn't be with someone that wasn't willing to help me be the real me.

 

At the age of 27 I was on my 3rd relapse and found a fully openly gay man that was attracted to me even though I told him I wasn't into men. We continued to hang out as friends until one day I was lonely and needed to scratch that submissive itch coupled with his vast connections to a world bad for my recovery from alcoohol/drugs which kept my addiction fed free of charge.

 

One night he went for it and kissed me and I kissed him back until it led to the same sexual act as with my first 2 serious female relationships but only with a man instead. I enjoyed the act but not him. It's strange I know and selfish of me to lead this nice man on and tease him with what he wanted only if he kept supplying me with things that hurt my recovery. Eventually he wanted to come out together in public and to his friends and family about us. He was already out of the closet but I was not ready to publicize my Androgynous ways or that I liked any certain type of sexual act...

 

So the relationship was strained by him inviting other gay friends over to hang out against my consent. I knew that it was never going to be anything other then experimenting with sex bc I was lonely and when I was with him I would shut my eyes and imagine a female doing these things with me. It ended badly and that was the last time I decided I would ever try being with a man to scratch that itch.

 

Shortly after I met Natalee, my current wife which felt like coming home. She had a young boy already and another on the way from a previous abusive and toxic relationship. I fell in love with her and the boys and we are now bound by the love of family. Those boys are my children through and through and I share a strong(sometimes stressful) bond with them. Around 2017 I had my first biological child with Natalee, a girl whose name is Phoenix. (Her name was chosen by me to represent all things good about changing my life without taking drugs and alcohol and just embracing who we are inside and out.)

 

My current wife has always been patient and understanding of my feelings and needs. We have had some turbulent years in the 6+ years we've been together. In fact it almost ended bc of my controlling nature and her need to kick my back in to friends or family when I made a mistake. We both realized how toxic our behavior was to each other but we had such a deep love and connection and finally started to get a hold on it and correct it to stay together for ourselves as well as each other and the children.

 

We've been going through it the past year but we've finally reached a new level of trust and understanding. I have always worn women's clothing privately and introduced her to the sexual acts I was excited about and my androgynous thoughts mostly sexual at the time. 5 days ago I finally came out to her that I was straight and loved women but inside I do feel like a man and a woman. Basically I told her that I like women's clothing and things that are only for woman according to society. I explained that when we engage in that specific act I'm happy and that when that act was over I still wanted to wear women's clothing, shave everything below my waist or nail polish on my toes...etc. and surprisingly she accepted me and told me she always had some idea of course bc of how I change when wearing those things... my mannerisms, my appearance, the way I walk or talk... even bend, sit or lay. I was very submissive and shy and vulnerable as a woman which was the complete opposite of my gender at birth (male side).

 

We even gave her a name (Peach) bc I was a very aggressive male, a hot head if you will that turned into this sweet, sexy, quiet and shy female in every way... It was almost like I was a completely different person. I think now I understand that I chose to rage and yell rather than cry so that I wouldn't look weak or show my true female feelings. It hurt others and made them feel emotionally abused... bc I too was emotionally abusing myself by not being the real me out bc of fear of societies unfair expectations of the male persona.

 

It really is sad when I think of all the wasted years of trying to figure myself out safely that I'll never get back and the pain I caused to others as well as myself bc I didn't have a place to go and share these feelings. Thank God for sites and forums like this one and the entire LGBTQ+ movement currently under way in our world. I have always admired others who came out and lived their lives as they felt they wanted to. In fact my current wife dealt with and is still managing to deal with her male at birth brother's transition into a full female now named Athena.

 

I have always admired her and even used her experiences with her family to come out to my wife. I was scared at first bc she didn't take her transition so well so I thought the same hesitation would be applied to me in her feelings about it... the difference I believe is her struggle to accept "his"(according to her) female-ness form bc she suffers from some severe mental disorders and has her entire life and my wife believes bc she's off her medicine that this is the latest identity crisis. Apparently she has identified as many different types of beings in her 30+ years of life. I have only known both of them for 6+ years and must make my own opinions or judgments based on what I currently know. Either way it's a strong touchy subject for both and I am more concerned with my own identity problems at the moment.

 

I mentioned my wife's "sister's" situation bc it pertains to my trust in my wife and her view on her (brother at birth now sister) gender identity. She has separated the two and has admitted it was hard for her to understand but she now has a better understanding of it but still has some road blocks about it. When I came out as adrogynous she was both shocked, impressed, embarrassed, nervous, intrigued and all in between.

 

I think she doesn't want to scare me back into hiding and genuinely likes that I want to be the real me and share it with her. She said it was so brave of me to trust her with something I have been protecting and suppressing for over 2 decades. My fear was that she wouldn't find me attractive anymore. That she'd be weirded out by me wearing women's clothing under my male clothing or having nail polish on or shaved legs...etc. but she made good points that (Peach) as we refer to my fem side was kind and shy and treated others with respect and understanding. She also said that it was sexy how everything changed, even my mannerisms and how I spoke... like it was this intense pleasure she was helping me enjoy just by allowing me to be who I was around her.

 

So since I came out things have been deep. We've stayed up for hours the past few nights talking about our secrets and opening up fully. She opened up to me fully about some of her private secrets that I never knew (which I can't and won't divulge out of respect of her own journey and level of openness). I started to embrace it by wearing women's under garments under my tank tops and basketball shorts or boxer briefs, then I shaved everything below the waste and when my daughter painted my toes for her own enjoyment, I liked the way wearing nail polish felt for my fem side. So I asked my wife to put nail polish on my toes professionally (by her) a woman that knows and does it. I chose deep red which apparently is a very bold color for a woman (I never knew color mattered) maybe subconsciously I chose deep red bc my fem side was screaming to be seen and acknowledged.

 

I loved every minute of it. I loved that my legs were shaved and my wife was painting my toes as if I were one of her girlfriends. I felt pretty and accepted by someone that loves me. I wish she would just ask me "can I paint your nails baby?",  "can I wax your legs for you?" And "Do you want to go shopping for female clothes for you and me today?" I wish she did it often and loved it. She says she enjoyed painting my nails and that it felt different but sexy. I, of course was on cloud 9. I guess I just want to know it turns her on like she says it does... idk maybe she's just saying you look sexy in those panties bc she doesn't want me to feel bad about it but I absolutely love when she complements my female side... or I suppose the woman in me loves the attention and show of approval from her which I find attractive but does she really feel that way?

 

I'm very insecure anyway both in male and female form but my female side is extremely insecure. Anyway it was such a beautiful experience and i loved it. I think she enjoyed it too. I keep having these mild panic attacks that she isn't going to like it or she'll fall out of love with me or someone will find out and bully me over it or change her view of acceptance. I have always struggled with trust bc of my sexual abuse and i know its a major factor now. It's the very reason I tried to control everything bc I didn't want to let someone hurt me again. I since have stopped a lot of my unhealthy controlling behavior and I'm still currently moving forward with Adrogyne.

 

I want to trust her fully. I want nothing more then to be myself around her at the very least and then the world when I'm ready. I don't know how to do it! I have this fear that I'll embrace my adrogyne and she will get sick of it and fall for another man that's manly like she thought I was 80% of the time in the last 6 years. She only saw that fem side (Peach) when things were sexual and only occasionally bc I still enjoy being a dominant male as well. So it was treated like this dirty but sexy different part of me that only some times comes out. I even had trouble getting her to realize that it wasn't always sexually based in nature but rather a very real constant part of me. She now understands it better. She has been fully accepting and our sex life is better. Our trust has gotten stronger. Our sensitivity of each others feelings have changed for the better...etc but I still have this hesitation in fully embracing it as much as I want bc I fear she will slip and tell one of her friends or family like she did when I was controlling or anytime I made a mistake in my life with our relationship or our children.

 

She acknowledged that her behavior was toxic and fueled by my toxic behavior but I still have this fear. Almost like if she cheated (I have never cheated on her and as far as she has said she has never cheated on me) but that trust for me anyway isn't fully there. I have noticed her changes recently in trying to be a more kind and understanding person through spirituality and it feels genuine but I'm scared. Her newfound love and kindness is why I chose to come out to her but that feeling of others knowing my personal and very private business bc "she's venting to whomever will listen to her" when it used to happen that way makes me want to take my adrogyne away when I'm overwhelmed by these thoughts and her knowing who I truly am. I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to be me and I want to trust her fully with it.

 

I know that I don't want to be fully male or fully female. I know I am only attracted to women now and I know I enjoy being both sides of myself at the same time. I know I'll never get any sex changes bc I identify as a male with submissive female qualities. I just want to have my male head, face, chest and penis with woman like features on my legs, buttocks, toenails while wearing both women's under garments on top and bottom halves while wearing my male clothing on top of those. I want to reserve the right to only wear women's clothing when I'm alone with her and our children are sleeping. I haven't really come out to my children bc they are young however they have noticed my toenails and my wife and I explained to them what's going on and that its OK to be whoever you want to be even if people say it's not right or weird. I just told them that I liked how I felt when my nails were painted and they accepted that. We explained it may hurt someones feelings if they were unkind about it but it was ok to ask questions to understand it and that I am still your male Father which would never change.

 

So LGBTQ+ world please help me find the courage to live what I feel. I love you all even if I don't know you bc I know what your going through and you know what I'm going through for the most part right? Lol that's it. That's my story. I'm very happy and glad to meet all of you and begin this self accepting journey where we help each other through the tough times as well as the good times. Thanks for any help and kindness in advance and I hope I have a chance to help someone else here as well. Xoxo

 

Joe

[tracy_j]

Hi Joe. Welcome to Trans Pulse

 

Thank you for your introductory story. In many ways it is far more extreme than my own but, in others, very similar. You will find others here with similar experiences and their responses to them. Please don't hesitate to join in. We are a friendly crowd.

 

Tracy

[Jackie C.]

Pleased to meet you Joe/Peach and welcome to Transpulse! I hope you find what you're looking for here.

 

Hugs!

[FatheadedPhoenix]

Thank you for the welcome Tracy and Jackie. I'm still learning to be accepting of myself and the part of me that is female. The male side of me wants to shut that side of me down so no one can see it and I won't be ridiculed for it. How did you both find your way through those feelings if you can relate? I keep having this fear that I will run into one of my friends in the community that Doesn't know the real me yet and that demon inside of me tells me they will hurt me if they found out. Such a sad way to feel for me personally. I am paralyzed by the fear of putting my truth out there. 

[Jackie C.]

I told my wife, family and closest friends. I made sure they all knew that it wasn't a secret. With the people that mattered covered, I just went out into the world. Maybe I get clocked. Maybe I don't. I'm living the best life I can so it doesn't really matter what random strangers think.

 

Hugs!