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Sound familiar? If so, what did YOU do?


Jacqui

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@Jacqui Congratulations  on getting that appointment. Due to my geographical location I'm having a hard time finding the right person. My LCPC told me he could do it but I'm a bit skeptical that my insurance would accept it.

 

I find it...I don't know, don't really have words to describe the feeling. Disappointed maybe. A lot of us were raised to believe we could be whatever we wanted when we grew-up and "be yourself" seemed big for awhile. Well now, here we are having to have assessments. Mental, emotional and physical evaluations performed so someone else can decide who we are.

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Thank you, @ElizabethStar.

 

As I understand it, a good therapist won't decide who you are.  Rather, they will help you explore who you are and let you draw your own conclusions.  I want an assessment to help me have a clearer understanding of myself.  If you are already certain of who you are, a good therapist will respect that (so I've heard).

 

Of course, if you are talking about getting multiple types of assessment in order to get your insurance to pay for procedures that are a part of your transition, yeah, that sucks.  In the world of 'capitalist health care', the very organizations that could help you are skeptical of your needs and tight with a dollar.  Too bad we don't have a single-payer system (like every other industrialized nation on the face of the earth).

 

By the way, you have a very attractive profile picture.  If you'll forgive my presumptuousness, I hope that something happens to make the corners of your mouth turn upward a bit.  A slight smile would make it perfect.  (If I've managed to sound like a nagging, meddlesome mom and offend the heck out of you, please accept my sincere apologies!  I'll just turn around and crawl back into my little hole . . .)

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2 hours ago, Jacqui said:

As I understand it, a good therapist won't decide who you are.  Rather, they will help you explore who you are and let you draw your own conclusions. 

You're right Jacqui.  They will help you by asking the questions you might not ask or were afraid to ask.  I cherished the time I saw my therapist.  She was very good.  

 

Your avatar photo is attractive too.

 

 

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59 minutes ago, Jani said:

Your avatar photo is attractive too.

 

 

Thanks, @Jani.  Regarding that photo, see the last paragraph of my post from July 23rd in this topic.  (I aim to get close to matching it for real though -- come hell or high water!)

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Thanks @Jacqui. I know I need to smile more. It's interesting that you use FaceApp. I've used it on my profile pics before but lately it's been tagging me as female so I just happily go with it.

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Yes I recall you writing that, but nonetheless it is a natural looking photo based upon the real you.  I think your smile has a lot to do with the reality of the shot.  Something to aspire to?  I'm sure you are there deep inside.  And the outside will match soon enough!

Hugs, Jani

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Hi Jacqui,

 

I hope your interaction with the therapist has positive results.  Discussing your feelings with someone else tends to be quite therapeutic regardless of the feedback they provide.  At the ripe old age of 62, I have had the opportunity to explore almost every path a trans person might choose to explore.  As a result, I have learned a lot, the most important of which is that introspection yields excellent results.  It took me so many years to find my happy place on the transgender spectrum, but I can happily say I have found it, as a result of personal introspection.  

 

Personally, I subscribe to many of the concepts that make up the theory surrounding autogynephilia, but not all.  At the end of my day, theories and the views of others have never forced me to align with one particular narrative that makes me trans.  I have learned that my place in the trans world is unique, so I accept that my experiences and the way I achieve fulfillment can be quite different from my fellow sisters.  Despite the fact that my path may be different, it doesn't make me any less trans, and although I've chosen a road less traveled, it is a path that has led me to happiness and fulfillment.

 

I say, take the time to explore your own feelings and decide what is right for you.  So often, it is too easy to latch on to what makes someone else happy.  At the end of your day, the only thing that matters, is whether or not not your own personal path brings you joy, happiness, and fulfillment.

 

Each of us has our own happy place, and I'm certain that if you take the time to deeply explore your feelings, you'll discover exactly, where you reside on this road we call the gender spectrum.  I wish you all the best as you make your journey.      

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1 hour ago, ElizabethStar said:

. . . but lately it's been tagging me as female so I just happily go with it.

 

@ElizabethStar, that's great!  (If that isn't something to smile about, I don't know what is.)

 

 

1 hour ago, Jani said:

. . . I'm sure you are there deep inside.  And the outside will match soon enough!

 

@Jani, what a nice thing to say!  Your kind, encouraging words have made my day.

 

 

1 hour ago, Sally Stone said:

 

. . . I say, take the time to explore your own feelings and decide what is right for you.  So often, it is too easy to latch on to what makes someone else happy.  At the end of your day, the only thing that matters, is whether or not not your own personal path brings you joy, happiness, and fulfillment.

 

Each of us has our own happy place, and I'm certain that if you take the time to deeply explore your feelings, you'll discover exactly, where you reside on this road we call the gender spectrum.  I wish you all the best as you make your journey.      

 

@Sally Stone, thank you for your good wishes and sound advice.  I aim to be open-minded regarding what I may learn with the help of a therapist, and in addition, I intend to listen closely to my feelings and be open to the fact that gender is in fact a spectrum which may offer someone in my circumstances less common but nonetheless highly fulfilling options.  I think you are correct -- introspection is key!

 

 

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Hi @Jacqui
I was going back to the earlier part of this thread, and I realized I had promised you an update on my therapy sessions (way back on July 20, when I was just getting started).  So, sorry for the delay, but here it is ...


Therapy has been the most wonderful, life changing and life expanding experience for me.  I am fortunate to have a wonderful therapist and I just Love her?  She has never tried to establish an "outcome" for me, but allowed me to get EVERYTHING out in the open, without judgement and has helped lead me in the process of self-discovery. 

I had my 5th session last week, but it was really session 3 & 4 where I had a major breakthrough (that included a major breakdown) and that led me now to the highest level of self-acceptance that I think I have ever experienced at any time in my life.  And it all starts to make sense and to fall into place now.

My therapist and I both know there's a LOT of more struggles and progress that needs to happen, but I am firmly established in that orbit now.

I can only hope that you have the opportunity to experience what I have over the last month.
Always the best to you, Dear Jacqui❣️


 

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

. . . Therapy has been the most wonderful, life changing and life expanding experience for me.  I am fortunate to have a wonderful therapist and I just Love her?  . . .

 

Hi @KayC!

 

Thank you for the update.  I am so happy for you!  I hope I have a similar wonderful experience (my first appointment is for September 2nd).

 

My therapist says that, among other things, he wants use the first session to make sure that we are a good "fit".  I respect him for this since, as you have indicated, having a good relationship with your therapist is paramount.

 

Thank you for the good wishes, Dear Kay!  They mean a lot to me.

 

Hugs,

Jacqui

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Hi @Sally Stone,

 

Take a look at the last 5 paragraphs of my post of July 25th in this topic.  Is that an example of a "road less traveled" within the gender spectrum you were discussing?  If so, I am on board with your thoughts.

 

Thanks again, Sally, for your thoughtful advice and sincere desire to help me reach the best destination for me.

 

Best,

Jacqui

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Hi Jacqui, I have just read through this thread and wanted to say hello.?

 

Firstly - Apologies for the long-ish post. I didn't mean to ramble!

 

Secondly - Many of the questions around feminising and arousal were a big deal for me when I started questioning. If you read through my very first blog post you would notice A LOT of similarities. ( https://ironicissues.wordpress.com)   I have an over active EQ rather than a high IQ, so I am a natural people pleaser and mediator, I did marry and have children but was never a good enough husband for my wife who left me (for what turned out to be another man a month or so later) even though literally everyone I know said I was a better husband than she would ever know or appreciate. One of the last things she said before she separated from me was that I had some issues to work out - she probably thought it would be something along the lines of autism or ADHD as both seem prevalant in the families, but the only secret I had kept my whole life was that of CDing for pleasure. 

Queue me asking questions about why I keep feeling compelled to do so, lots of depressing youtube and confusing online quizzes and then eventually I found this site and asked a lot of questions, and done many small experiments, and no small amount of reflecting and thinking (I blog here too because my brain over thinks and it can be good to find somewhere to put it all in order) at the moment I am losing weight, because I hope to try HRT and if that feels right I will continue down the path to transitioning and I will be damned if I wait all this time for some doctor to tell me I am too overweight to try (currently 5'7 and 224 lbs down 10 from my starting weight even though I carry it well).

I looked into autogynephillia but it seemed a bit too easily refuted by the simple idea that you will naturally be turned on by seeing yourself as attractive in your fantasies. Female thought patterns, female fantasy. I tested it by dressing in every day clothes for a while around the house without any erotic intention and seeing how I felt. Comfy was the answer, it made me smile every time I walked past the mirror.

 

I do think sometimes we are too quick to try and get from one end of the gender spectrum to the other because we are just so used to thinking in a binary boy/girl way. I have a lot of respect for those who know where they fit and are comfortable with their place on the spectrum regardless of what the rest of the world says...

Anyway, take care! :)

 

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Hi @DeeDee,

 

Nice to meet you!  I am one quarter Scottish (from my father's side), and it's always fun to hear from someone with whom I have a sense of common background.

 

I tried getting down to the first post in your blog, but the scrolling takes some time and you have a lot of posts.  Did you put any HTML anchors as header attributes in your first post so I could jump directly to it?

 

I congratulate you on your weight loss.  I dropped about 20 pounds so far and want to drop 40-50 more.  I am not thinking specifically about HRT; I just want to be attractive.  My features are not very masculine, but fat around my lower face and neck make it harder to achieve a pleasing feminine aspect.  I am dieting in earnest; it seems that I only really get  motivated when I confront my transgender nature and try to embrace my feminine self.  (That fact in itself is probably significant.)

 

I am not an autogynephilia 'hard-liner' in terms of what is cause and what is effect.  I just find that the stories of some of the people who fit the pattern are similar to my own, and this in turn is another piece of evidence that I am probably somewhere on the transgender spectrum.  Of course, in my case I am aroused more often than not by the thought of being compelled to become feminine, rather than simply by the thought of being attractively feminine.  Even with that wrinkle, the theory says that I am probably transgendered and may need some form of transition to achieve peace and fulfillment in life.

 

I'm not sure whether my explorations with a therapist will take me to the other end of the spectrum or somewhere in the middle.  I am going to try to be open to what will work best for me.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Dee!  You take care too.  ;)

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Hi Jacqui, when I started it, I didn't realise just how much I would need it, so I literally just created a page and just kept adding posts to it.

I have spent a little time tonight creating a previous posts link that lets you scroll back through the months so you can access posts much faster. https://ironicissues.wordpress.com/2018/10/ should take you to the very first post, though I couldnt get the months to re-order and have oldest at the top. Any questions feel free to PM me as I do not want to hijack your thread. x 

15 hours ago, Jacqui said:

I am going to try to be open to what will work best for me.

 

Absolutely the best approach. I've found it a bit of an emotional roller coaster!

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Hi Dee,

 

Thanks for the link to your first post.  I just finished reading it, and I could really empathize with you and your experiences.  You certainly must have a high or active EQ, because you have a way of writing that reveals your feelings to the reader with strength and clarity.

 

Being free of body hair does feel kind of amazing!  I wasn't preparing to crossdress or anything, but a couple weeks ago I gave in to an urge to shave off all my body hair and paint my toenails.  Afterwards I felt a unique, pleasant coolness on my skin (still do, actually), even under my clothes.  And I feel comfy now when I walk around the house bare-legged and see my toenails.

 

I frequently feel information overload (and sometimes a deep feeling of discouragement as a result) when I try to do research about transgender-related topics on the internet. There's just too much out there to process.

 

By any chance have you encountered YouTube videos of a Scottish crossdresser who calls herself Emma Ballantine?  Her YouTube channel is called "starrynowhere".  She's kind of interesting.  I don't know what town she lives in, though.

 

Once again, Dee, nice to meet you!  The caring, genuine person you are really comes through in your blog posts.

 

Hugs,

Jacqui

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Aww thanks Jacqui, that is really kind of you to say. I very quickly moved away from crossdressers on YT as they did not fit how I felt. I did sneak a peek at Starrynowhere and she is in a small, low income ex-market town  (50k population) close to the borders so quite brave/out and proud as there is a good chance she is well known locally and definitely dresses to stand out in some of those vids. I don't know every town, but I am fairly well travelled around Scotland lol. 

 

2 hours ago, Jacqui said:

Being free of body hair does feel kind of amazing!  I wasn't preparing to crossdress or anything, but a couple weeks ago I gave in to an urge to shave off all my body hair and paint my toenails.  Afterwards I felt a unique, pleasant coolness on my skin (still do, actually), even under my clothes.  And I feel comfy now when I walk around the house bare-legged and see my toenails.

 

Little things like this are the clues your body gives you - compare it to how you feel when you don't have painted toes and are covered in fuzz. Is it uncomfortable or simply... meh? You don't need to look up everything at once, when something pops into your head just be honest with yourself about what you feel and why - your bright signature, footer quote and pic not to mention 20pounds weight loss (woohoo!) hint at you being far more certain of who you are and how you want to be perceived, even if you are still consciously hesitant. 

??

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
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My reason for joining, and for creating this post, is to describe my life situation and see if anyone here identifies with it.

 

Hi! To get straight to the point, I identify with it!!!

 

After reading your initial post, and browsing the rest of the thread, I was amazed by all the similarities we have and just had to share and compare notes.

 

Like you, I'm AMAB (had to look that up, I'm new to this "scene"), never had a desire to be placed with girls instead of boys as a child (much less true now, though), never used to feel any reason to question my identity as a "boy" ("Well, duh! Clearly I have a penis! Of course that's what I am!"), I was always academically strong in math, and I also have a heavy tech background - I've been writing code since I was first literate as a child and spent my teens and twenties dedicated to that pursuit. In the past, I've also been a member of a couple high-IQ groups, one of which was also a "Triple Nine" group, like you. For "personal experience" reasons, I've been very much avoiding mentioning any of my IQ stuff to anyone who didn't already know, but getting to knowingly meet such a kindred spirit is so rare that I'm gladly breaking that rule in this case.

 

The details of our early-life gender...questions?...are different. But I certainly have my own stories: Like how as a young kid, I found it very amusing that in the bathroom mirror I could look like a girl in very, very simple ways, like covering the top of my head and imagining long hair. (Wish it was still that easy now!!) And one time in elementary school (don't remember if it was before or after puberty started) I heard a rumor circulating: It was along the lines of "If you sleep outdoors on the full moon, three time in a row, then if you're a boy you turn into a girl and if you're a girl you turn into a boy." My first thought was "How in the world could anyone be dumb enough to actually believe such obvious nonsense?" But my second thought was "Wow...I actually WISH that was true. I would so totally try that! That would be so cool! But...prooooobably...shouldn't actually mention that to anyone..." And I never did. Until now.

 

Much later on, there was a manga I read, "Otomen", about a young guy with very effeminate qualities (that's what made the series interesting to me). At one point in the story, he's in trouble and a girl he knows comes crashing in, riding a horse to save him. My reaction: "I want a princess-in-shining-armor, too!!!" (Gender-bending stories and scenarios have always fascinated me, too.)

 

Also like you, I've always lacked confidence in social situations and, as a result, still have very few friends (all from school, and minimal contact with them as they're all living out of town) and was also a virgin AND living with a parent up through my early thirties. Related to the social anxiety (and almost certainly a key cause of the virginity and lack of any relationships) I've known full well from very early on that I'm not suited for the expected "male" role in courtship. For me, every action involved in being the "pursuer" is a genuinely horrifying, uncomfortable, unnatural and excruciating experience. People always talk about "fear of rejection", but for me, it's far more than just that, and no one I've discussed it with has ever really been able to understand that - or even believe it.

 

I went through a migraine period, too. And tend to be a negative-minded contrarian ? (I think it's my passion and reverence for logic.) Definitely not a fan of body hair, LOVE being free of it and having moobies and nice soft exfoliated skin. Love painted nails. And also, at least for me anyway, I know that there definitely is an erotic component to my fantasies about being female, but I also have reasons to suspect there's more to it than just that. (Although, I do still worry about "What if I did transition and it turned out that testosterone-driven eroticism really was the main core of it?" But the discussion I've seen here regarding "autogynephilia" has been incredibly enlightening and leaves me hopeful.)

 

Also, the "virtual" FFS sounds awesome. This is the first I've heard of it. I'll definitely have to look into it.

 

There are some differences though. I haven't started any gender counseling yet, you've clearly done far more research on trans-ness than I have, I've still never been in a romantic relationship (only a precious few late-blooming no-strings sexual encounters), I do cross-dress (but only in private - except for panties, since they're easy to hide...or if I'm alone and its incredibly late and I'm incredibly drunk), I'm nowhere near retirement (and frustratingly feel like I'll probably never be able to!), and the puberty fairy hit me HARD: Once that hit, there was no way anyone was going to view my appearance as femme or andro, let alone mistake me for a girl or someone who might own a purse. (I do envy people who have a less Herculean path to looking feminine...and to finding female clothes and shoes that fit...)

 

(Although, that said, I've been growing my hair out now, for the first time ever (Thank god for The Beatles and Rock 'n Roll making it ok for guys to have long hair!!!!). It's currently just past shoulder-length and just the other day, an elderly lady at the grocery store needed help reaching something on the top shelf. That happens with me on occasion, since I'm 6' tall, and I'm always glad to help. But this time, she saw me from behind and used the word "ma'am". Took me awhile to realize she was talking to me. But, can't say it bothered me in the slightest. Thinking back, I'm a little bit tickled by it ? Of course, I was as friendly as I could be and helped her get her shampoo.)

 

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Of course, in my case I am aroused more often than not by the thought of being compelled to become feminine, rather than simply by the thought of being attractively feminine.

 

I find this interesting. First of all, apologies in advance for my own naivete (the closest thing I have to a background in psychology is watching every episode of Frasier - pretty sure that doesn't qualify me for a degree ? ). And it's absolutely not my intent to try to play "amateur counselor" here. But to me, what you've said here conjures up this notion: "If someone has desire for being feminine, then being placed in a scenario where it's compulsory could seemingly free them from both the burden of a making difficult decision, and also from the worry of situational acceptability. It's a 'free pass' to allow a desire that's been suppressed." I suppose that doesn't directly address "arousal", but for all the thought and research you've clearly put into all this, I assume you've probably thought about something along these lines. So if you're interested in sharing, I'm curious what your thoughts on this particular angle would be.

 

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If any of you do, I would be very interested in hearing decisions you have made and/or actions you have taken to lead a happy, fulfilled life and find meaningful, rewarding relationships.

 

I'm afraid I'm unable to offer anything in this regard. I wish I could, but it sounds like YOU are already MY "sempai" - ie, it sounds like you're already further along this road than I am, so I can't offer any foresight, only kinship.

 

But thanks for posting! I don't want to sound self-centered, but since you (and others here) seem to be further along a path that's similar to my own, there's been a lot of information here that's been new to me, and helpful. So at the least, I'm very grateful for that happy accident :)

 

Cheers, and best wishes!!

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 Hi @Heathick,

 

Thank you for your thoughtful post!  It certainly sounds like we have a lot in common, and in ways that are sometimes distinct from many of the other respondents to this topic.

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

And one time in elementary school (don't remember if it was before or after puberty started) I heard a rumor circulating: It was along the lines of "If you sleep outdoors on the full moon, three time in a row, then if you're a boy you turn into a girl and if you're a girl you turn into a boy."

 

I never heard that rumor, but it made me think of how, as a child, I used to play games and tell myself that if I lost, I would have to turn into a girl (and then kind of hope that I'd lose).  Interestingly enough, Dr. Anne Koch (a transwoman who transitioned in her 60's) recounts an identical childhood recollection in her memoir "It Never Goes Away".

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

Much later on, there was a manga I read, "Otomen", about a young guy with very effeminate qualities (that's what made the series interesting to me).

 

Have you read Ranma 1/2 (about a boy trained in martial arts who falls into a cursed stream and thereafter turns into a girl whenever he is splashed with cold water), or Futaba-kun Change! (about a boy with a hereditary genetic defect, manifested at puberty, that causes him to change into a girl whenever he becomes excited or stressed)?  Those grabbed my attention . . . big time!

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

For me, every action involved in being the "pursuer" is a genuinely horrifying, uncomfortable, unnatural and excruciating experience.

 

This is quite interesting to me -- I've never heard anyone describe this kind of feeling before, although I certainly accept the truth of your experience.  In my case, it was more like "fear of rejection", but on an absurdly exaggerated scale.  When rejected, I felt and acted like a badly injured party; one behavioral health professional thought that I might have some aspects of secondary narcissism in my psychological make-up.  Over time, I was able to mitigate these feelings, and also adopt alternate strategies for seeking relationships that reduced exposure to rejection (ads in singles magazines, dating services, and dating websites).

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

I know that there definitely is an erotic component to my fantasies about being female, but I also have reasons to suspect there's more to it than just that. (Although, I do still worry about "What if I did transition and it turned out that testosterone-driven eroticism really was the main core of it?"  But the discussion I've seen here regarding "autogynephilia" has been incredibly enlightening and leaves me hopeful.)

 

From what I have read, it may be that one's erotic fantasies about being female mirror something deeper related to the nature of one's transgendered state for a certain category of transfeminine individuals (otherwise, why not have some other kind of erotic fantasy?).  I use the term "mirror" very intentionally because I don't want to get into the debate about which is the "cause" and which is the "effect", and in any case I don't think it really matters.  According to the book "Men Trapped Within Men's Bodies", autogynephilic individuals can be grouped into four subtypes depending on the nature of their fantasies (anatomic, transvestic, physiologic, and behavioral), and certain subtypes may benefit from transition regardless of whether or not "testosterone-driven eroticism" was really the main core of it.  (Once again, let me stress that I am not promoting the validity or non-validity of autogynephilia as a theory; I simply find it convenient to use some of the terminology for the sake of discussion.)

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

I haven't started any gender counseling yet, you've clearly done far more research on trans-ness than I have, . . .

 

I had only one session so far with an LCSW who has a focus on gender identity issues.  It was an assessment session, and I hope to hear some thoughts from him soon.  It will be interesting to hear his thoughts, because I'm not sure where I fall in the transgender 'spectrum'.  If I have gender dysphoria, it is very mild or subtly camouflaged somehow.  I have read accounts of middle-aged transfeminine individuals (non-transitioned) whose gender dysphoria was so strong that they would curl up on the floor in a fetal position, clutch their genitals, and cry.  That's not me; I don't even feel a compulsion to cross-dress in secret to achieve some kind of relief.  So we shall see . . .

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

I've been growing my hair out now, for the first time ever . . . It's currently just past shoulder-length

 

You've got the jump on me here -- I decided to let mine grow recently, and it's just over three inches long overall.  Being wavy, it has a lot of body, so it tends to grow out rather than hang down.  It will be interesting to see how long it has to grow before the sheer weight of it causes it to surrender to gravity.  If it reaches twelve inches and still sticks straight out, I'm dyeing it red and applying at McDonald's.

 

I washed it with a women's "volumizing" shampoo and conditioner today, and after blow-drying it, it was really full and wavy.  When I combed down some wispy bangs, I could almost see a girl in there.

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

"If someone has desire for being feminine, then being placed in a scenario where it's compulsory could seemingly free them from both the burden of a making difficult decision, and also from the worry of situational acceptability. It's a 'free pass' to allow a desire that's been suppressed . . . I suppose that doesn't directly address 'arousal' . . . "

 

I have heard this elsewhere, too, and I think it's a plausible analysis.  I recently encountered another idea about this, once again in the book "Men Trapped Within Men's Bodies".  According to the book, research has shown that a large number of autogynephilic fantasies (and this means implicitly that there is an 'arousal' component) involve 'forced feminization'.  The author Anne A. Lawrence (herself a transwoman who self-identifies as autogynephilic) finds the phenomenon puzzling, but makes the observation that transfeminine individuals are themselves more or less "forced" into feminization by biochemical events beyond their control that occur during fetal development, so perhaps it isn't so unusual that their fantasies should follow a similar arc.

 

20 hours ago, Heathick said:

. . . it sounds like you're already further along this road than I am, so I can't offer any foresight, only kinship.

 

Given where I am right now, an offer of kinship is like manna from heaven!  I'm also glad that your are gleaning new and helpful information from the posts on this (and other) topics.

 

Cheers and best wishes to you, too! 

 

 

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On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:

I never heard that rumor, but it made me think of how, as a child, I used to play games and tell myself that if I lost, I would have to turn into a girl (and then kind of hope that I'd lose).  Interestingly enough, Dr. Anne Koch (a transwoman who transitioned in her 60's) recounts an identical childhood recollection in her memoir "It Never Goes Away".

 

That's not a scenario I had ever really thought of, but I feel like if I had, it certainly would've appealed to me as well. In fact, it sounds kind of warm 'n fuzzy to me now...and...come to think of it, it actually has a very real connection to the next topic, Ranma 1/2, where Ranma Saotome is forced in certain cases to be a girl...

 

On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:
On 9/5/2020 at 3:02 AM, Heathick said:

Much later on, there was a manga I read, "Otomen", about a young guy with very effeminate qualities (that's what made the series interesting to me).

 

Have you read Ranma 1/2 (about a boy trained in martial arts who falls into a cursed stream and thereafter turns into a girl whenever he is splashed with cold water), or Futaba-kun Change! (about a boy with a hereditary genetic defect, manifested at puberty, that causes him to change into a girl whenever he becomes excited or stressed)?  Those grabbed my attention . . . big time!

 

Absolutely I've read them! I don't think there's a single person who discovered anime/manga in the 90's and doesn't know about Ranma 1/2!!! That was one of the key series (along with Speed Racer, Dragonball and Sailor Moon) that helped popularize manga and anime in the west in the first place!!

 

I couldn't tell you how many times I've wished I could hop into the same Jusenkyo spring as Ranma and gain the freedom to go back and forth in genders at will! Or better yet, just have a lightswitch I could simply turn on/off whenever and not have to worry about rain or getting splashed! I've spent a LOT of time fantasizing about Ranma things like that. Initially, I only rarely used to think of it as trans-related, though. I used to just see it as my introduction to how awesome and fascinating gender-bending stories can be!

 

Futaba-kun Change is a much less famous one at this point, and I'm actually kind of shocked you've come across it too! I'm not AS big a fan of it as I am of Ranma (and many of Rumiko Takahashi-san's other earlier works), but I do like it. But, the only reason I've ever even heard of Futaba-kun Change is because, by pure chance, I just happened to find it at the local second-hand bookstore and (naturally!) picked it up.

 

Speaking of Japanese Manga with gender-bending themes, are you familiar with Wondering Son (aka "Hourou Musuko")? It's by Takako Shimura who's known for being absolutely top-of-her-class at creating manga involving LGBT topics with a realistic/dramatic (instead of comedic) flair. Her series Hourou Musuko (aka "Wondering Son") is her treatment of transgenderness (and I LOVE it). It's kind of difficult to get and finish, since only the first 8 of 15 volumes were ever officially translated and released in english, and even those are out-of-print (I'm just barely 2/3 through the series myself), but there are fan-translations of the entire series online.

 

The same author, Takako Shimura, is also equally famous for her lesbian-focused series Aoi Hana (Literally meaning "Blue Flower", but aka "Sweet Blue Flowers"). If there are two famously-seminal examples of lesbian manga, one is Maria-Holic, and the other is Shimura-san's Sweet Blue Flowers. I've gone through all four english-language volumes (plus the accompanying anime) and absolutely loved it. (Haven't quite gotten around to Maria-Holic yet, but want to.)

 

There's another older thread I started here awhile back that discussed more about LGBT manga/anime. (I'm a total otaku nerd)

 

On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:
On 9/5/2020 at 3:02 AM, Heathick said:

For me, every action involved in being the "pursuer" is a genuinely horrifying, uncomfortable, unnatural and excruciating experience.

 

This is quite interesting to me -- I've never heard anyone describe this kind of feeling before, although I certainly accept the truth of your experience.  In my case, it was more like "fear of rejection", but on an absurdly exaggerated scale.  When rejected, I felt and acted like a badly injured party; one behavioral health professional thought that I might have some aspects of secondary narcissism in my psychological make-up.  Over time, I was able to mitigate these feelings, and also adopt alternate strategies for seeking relationships that reduced exposure to rejection (ads in singles magazines, dating services, and dating websites).

 

Yea, I'm definitely still working on figuring this one out. In the last few years, there's a couple things that have changed that I think have finally given me a HUGE improvement in my previous woefully-inadequate socialization skills (A meds change, plus a part-time job that gives me customer-service "water wings" instead of throwing me straight into the deep end.) But there's a lot of limitation that still remains. It's an ongoing process...

 

On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:
On 9/5/2020 at 3:02 AM, Heathick said:

I know that there definitely is an erotic component to my fantasies about being female, but I also have reasons to suspect there's more to it than just that. (Although, I do still worry about "What if I did transition and it turned out that testosterone-driven eroticism really was the main core of it?"  But the discussion I've seen here regarding "autogynephilia" has been incredibly enlightening and leaves me hopeful.)

 

From what I have read, it may be that one's erotic fantasies about being female mirror something deeper related to the nature of one's transgendered state for a certain category of transfeminine individuals (otherwise, why not have some other kind of erotic fantasy?).  I use the term "mirror" very intentionally because I don't want to get into the debate about which is the "cause" and which is the "effect", and in any case I don't think it really matters.  According to the book "Men Trapped Within Men's Bodies", autogynephilic individuals can be grouped into four subtypes depending on the nature of their fantasies (anatomic, transvestic, physiologic, and behavioral), and certain subtypes may benefit from transition regardless of whether or not "testosterone-driven eroticism" was really the main core of it.  (Once again, let me stress that I am not promoting the validity or non-validity of autogynephilia as a theory; I simply find it convenient to use some of the terminology for the sake of discussion.)

 

This is very interesting stuff to me. Ordinarily, I wouldn't be much interested in psychological theory, but in this case, the personal relevance to me makes all the difference. Even before my first reply to you, just from initially browsing this thread I've been really, really looking forward to diving into that book. It's been quite awhile since I've ventured into any reading at remotely that academic level, so I'm very much not expecting an easy read, but I'm looking forward to it anyway. Content-wise, it sounds like it may very well be right up my ally, and for this topic, that would mean the world to me. I can't wait to explore the subtypes, compare them to myself, and see what it has to say. (Ugh! I make it sound like some kind of astrology publication!!! Not that I don't enjoy those, just for the fun of it..)

 

On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:

 

On 9/5/2020 at 3:02 AM, Heathick said:

I haven't started any gender counseling yet, you've clearly done far more research on trans-ness than I have, . . .

 

I had only one session so far with an LCSW who has a focus on gender identity issues.  It was an assessment session, and I hope to hear some thoughts from him soon.  It will be interesting to hear his thoughts, because I'm not sure where I fall in the transgender 'spectrum'.  If I have gender dysphoria, it is very mild or subtly camouflaged somehow.  I have read accounts of middle-aged transfeminine individuals (non-transitioned) whose gender dysphoria was so strong that they would curl up on the floor in a fetal position, clutch their genitals, and cry.  That's not me; I don't even feel a compulsion to cross-dress in secret to achieve some kind of relief.  So we shall see . . .

 

Yea, it's kind of strange being in this position. As awful as the "fetal position on the floor, clutching genitals" scenario would be (and I feel awful for anyone who would ever be there), it would at least (presumably?) be somewhat less confusing!! I mean, if were to wind up like that, that would be absolutely horrible, but at least it would (presumably???) be one big, clear sign of "Ok, this is CLEARLY not the right gender for me."  Ugh, part of me feels awful for saying that, because I know that would be a horrible situation to be in (I've had other reasons for winding up in the fetal position...), but part of me also envies having such a clear sign. Everyone had their own cross, I guess...

 

 

On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:

 

On 9/5/2020 at 3:02 AM, Heathick said:

I've been growing my hair out now, for the first time ever . . . It's currently just past shoulder-length

 

You've got the jump on me here -- I decided to let mine grow recently, and it's just over three inches long overall.  Being wavy, it has a lot of body, so it tends to grow out rather than hang down.  It will be interesting to see how long it has to grow before the sheer weight of it causes it to surrender to gravity.  If it reaches twelve inches and still sticks straight out, I'm dyeing it red and applying at McDonald's.

 

I washed it with a women's "volumizing" shampoo and conditioner today, and after blow-drying it, it was really full and wavy.  When I combed down some wispy bangs, I could almost see a girl in there.

 

Just recently, I've been very much learning the value of good hair care. Sometimes after I use both shampoo (not forgetting the "repeat" step!) and a good conditioner, I can pull my hair to one side or the other, and it just looks luscious, wavy and feminine and yet somehow not in total, complete contrast with my masculine face structure and beard. That, more than anything, makes me love my hair in a way I have never experienced before. It makes a long-neglected part of me feel so very happy and content :) It's been SOOOOO long (pre-puberty) since I was last able to see any hint of girl in my appearance. And I find I appreciate it now more than ever.

 

Now, if only I could do something about the male-pattern thinning and receding!!!! Ugh, excess of of hair everywhere I don't want it, and loosing it the one place I do want it...the bane of half the population's existence!


 

On 9/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, Jacqui said:
On 9/5/2020 at 3:02 AM, Heathick said:

"If someone has desire for being feminine, then being placed in a scenario where it's compulsory could seemingly free them from both the burden of a making difficult decision, and also from the worry of situational acceptability. It's a 'free pass' to allow a desire that's been suppressed . . . I suppose that doesn't directly address 'arousal' . . . "

 

I have heard this elsewhere, too, and I think it's a plausible analysis.  I recently encountered another idea about this, once again in the book "Men Trapped Within Men's Bodies".  According to the book, research has shown that a large number of autogynephilic fantasies (and this means implicitly that there is an 'arousal' component) involve 'forced feminization'.  The author Anne A. Lawrence (herself a transwoman who self-identifies as autogynephilic) finds the phenomenon puzzling, but makes the observation that transfeminine individuals are themselves more or less "forced" into feminization by biochemical events beyond their control that occur during fetal development, so perhaps it isn't so unusual that their fantasies should follow a similar arc.

 

Very interesting. Definitely looking forward to diving into this book myself.

 

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