Is anyone bigender? Help?

[JamesM]

I've only recently realized I'm a guy and I'm suddenly not sure that's the full picture. I felt so confident about it for a few days, and now I'm having a hard time telling if I'm just having normal doubts and anxiety or maybe I'm bigender. I'm having a hard time letting go of femininity and I don't know if I'm just sort of effeminate, or not used to it yet, or what? I really don't know what the answer is and I know the only thing I can do is take my time and play with my expression to see what feels right, but if there are other people who have gone through this I'd love to know...how you knew, I guess.

[Jackie C.]

This is why we have therapists. ?

 

While not bigender myself, I have a friend who identifies as bigender. He lives most of his life male and brings Jennifer, his alter ego, out for special occasions. Mostly parties, competitions, see and be seen sort of events. Conventions. Renfest. Etc... He's talked about transitioning after he retires, but the last time I talked to him he wasn't going to take that step until after he retired because of the damage it would likely do to his career.

 

So with that in mind, you need to do what makes you happy and comfortable in your own skin. You're new to this whole thing, so experiment. It's not like there's a checklist we can follow to get from point A to point B. Figure out what makes you happy, then do that. If you're still uncomfortable, try another step farther. Repeat until you're content with who you are.

 

Hugs!

[Pallas]

Hello @JamesM !

I feel my situation is rather similar to yours. A lot of the time I feel confident I'm male (opposite gender to what I am biologically), but other times I'm "fine" being female. I never have been a girly-girl, so to say, but only the  last few years am I confident with my body. Sort of. Most of the time.
Maybe if I was physically male and sometimes dress/look feminine/being spoken to as female, then perhaps that would be a better situation for me.
I don't know.
I haven't contemplated on being bigender, though now that you say it, maybe I am. I hope I'll be able to start therapy soon so I know what I am (physically and mentally).

I hope you can figure it out soon too.
Good luck!

[JamesM]

Hi @Pallas! Glad to know I'm not alone. Therapy is definitely helpful in these situations.

 

I felt so right being a guy, and could look back at all the times it should have been obvious, but still felt like "what if I'm wrong?" So I expressed that to my husband, and he asked, when was the last time you felt like a girl? But we were already having an emotional conversation so I couldn't think straight. And after some introspection, I do think there are times, because over the past four years of thinking I was nonbinary there were definitely "wait, am I faking this? I feel kinda like a girl? What's happening?" moments. So I guess I'm definitely genderfluid or bigender or something. But I've also spent those years not wanting to change to they/them pronouns because the idea of having to constantly defend them to people who don't get it sounds exhausting, and I at least live in an area where binary trans folx are pretty accepted. Now that I've found this masc aspect of myself, I really don't feel right going back to she/her pronouns. I wish I had a simple answer for myself.

[AmberM]

@JamesM one thing that keeps coming up in therapy for me is the reminder that gender identity is a spectrum, not a binary. I am AMAB, and for the past year at this point have felt mostly Trans-female. However, more recently there are doubts if I can handle going through transitioning, for a variety of reasons. I bring out Amber a lot when I am at home working (the new COVID normal), and I have gone out a couple of times to accepting events (one was a Drag/Burlesque Event, the other a "fetish" Halloween Party). There are days where I don't have that much dysphoria just wearing shorts and a t-shirt kind of thing, more gender neutral I feel. Other days, I have to go change and put on a cute top and shorts, or a dress, or you get the idea.

 

I am trying to work on caring less about classifications in the binary, and focus on being me.

[Cris31]

Just want to toss in my support and appreciation JamesM.  QuestioningAmber brings up a good point there that hit me pretty hard.  I'm still trying to figure out myself but it brings some comfort that there's a spectrum and not completely feeling like THIS or THAT all the time or completely is okay

[Sally Stone]

James,

 

I have identified as bi-gender for a long time.  Born male I enjoyed being so, but there was also a part of me that was female.  I have embraced both the male and female personas sharing my mind, and it has brought me happiness and contentment.  I have no desire to give up one gender for the other, instead, I express both.  

 

Thank goodness things have changed in recent years, but there used to be this unwritten rule that a person had to choose a gender identity.  That is just ludicrous.  We humans are all different and it is absolutely okay to express the gender or genders of your choice.  I say explore your gender identities and express the one or the many that make you feel happy and complete.

[JamieL]

On 8/3/2020 at 7:51 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

@JamesM one thing that keeps coming up in therapy for me is the reminder that gender identity is a spectrum, not a binary. I am AMAB, and for the past year at this point have felt mostly Trans-female. However, more recently there are doubts if I can handle going through transitioning, for a variety of reasons. I bring out Amber a lot when I am at home working (the new COVID normal), and I have gone out a couple of times to accepting events (one was a Drag/Burlesque Event, the other a "fetish" Halloween Party). There are days where I don't have that much dysphoria just wearing shorts and a t-shirt kind of thing, more gender neutral I feel. Other days, I have to go change and put on a cute top and shorts, or a dress, or you get the idea.

 

I am trying to work on caring less about classifications in the binary, and focus on being me.

   @QuestioningAmber  your post really spoke to me as I feel very similar and have discussed this same things with my counselor.

I was AMAB, tried to be me (feminine) as a kid, accepted the boy stereotype and buried my true self until I started to reflect on what the purpose of my life really was (now in my 40s).

In my heart/soul, I'm a girl but my exterior is playing catch up. I've slowly been in transition for several years now and continue to do so. I'm working towards a gender queer expression that I feel I can live with for now while I figure out who I am, where im going, and where I might end up. I still struggle everyday but celebrate small steps.

[Mx.Drago]

Months late but, better than silence. AFAB, never quite felt that fit and always wished at some point to go through the change to male, but was heart broken knowing with how the world works, that wouldn't happen till I was past 40yrs from when I started thinking considering about it in my teens. But never could bring myself to talk about it. Family already made fun of how boyish I acted, how I hated make-up and dressing up. Told my mom I wasn't a lesbian, because truth was I'm pansexual, but the less she knew the less pain she could inflict. She wasn't a very open person to the idea, from listening to conversations she had with friends. A part of me wished to confront her about her insensitive words and thoughts, but was more fearful of giving myself away. Plus, once ma had something in mind, there was little to change that view point without being hurtful. I played girl where and when it was important to play pretend and I hated every moment, made me sick inside. Now older it feels like that female part even though I wished were different is a part of me, regardless how much effort I would put into changing my physical appearance. I have a very strong urge to nurture and care for things. Even my opinion of having children, at first saw it as having a parasite, but it would be mine, and since I have the equipment for now, might as well try have one. At some point that equipment would stop working naturally anyways, so I'd wait till then to make my break from this shell that sealed me away.  My long time partner knows, made sure to at least spill the beans about being bigendered and getting surgery in the future, early in the relationship. He's straight, but for a little while, I guess the knowing or more the unknowing, made him distant and cruel, those were turbulent times. He's very prideful and sensitive, felt really insecure about his masculinity and what it meant being with me. But he held his tongue on the subject cuz his words "he didn't want to hurt me." Did quite the exact opposite, when the issue was pressed and it finally came out, but he in the end of the fight, didn't want me to go. We are still together, though it isn't easy. I feel it still bothers him alittle, but he sez he'll support whatever I'm willing to do and stay with me, and I do care for him. I wish there were easy answers, but I guess that's part of the sacrifices you make being different in a society that can barely recognize you as a person. Everything be difficult and definitely not looking forward to constant fighting, I hate confrontation. I haven't change my documents or anything, still don't feel it's safe enough yet, despite living in a more "inclusive" state. I'm many things, but I'm not that brave. More cautious as hell, because I known too many not worth the trust. But I do know what I am, and for now that's enough, till this pandemic hopefully passes. "They" is growing on me, and already settled with "Mx." title, changed a lot of my cloths for men's wear and couldn't have been more comfortable wearing clothing that feels like it fits. Though I still like leggings and bell bottom pants, I'll wear a dress sweater, jewelry and make-up, though only for extra-special occasions. It's a step forward, but what's important is that you keep moving forward and always try to be free as possible, and to hell with social opinion and it's book of normal.

[MayGay]

Yeah I'm bigender. And a lot of what you said resonates with me just from the amab prespective. I'm both very masculine and feminine and yeah I just kinda have to find my own way because there's not a lot of people like me who completely embrace masculinity and femininity.

[Susan R]

Hi MayGay, Welcome to our forum. I think you’ll find many people who fit in or at least accept you for who you are. That’s what really counts anyways. If you have any questions or need any advice, ask away. We are here to help any way we can. You are not alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KaiTheGreater]

Once I started questioning my gender, I struggled with reconciling all the signs that I was trans with the femininity I still felt. I considered myself genderfluid for awhile. Eventually I settled on the term nonbinary male. While I am a man, certain parts of me are still rooted in what's traditionally considered a feminine nature. (Specifically, I think the way I express love is very motherly in nature.) I don't think it's uncommon for that to be the case in people, but for me I felt that just being a guy didn't seem right. It cut out an important part of who I am.

[GraceH]

@KaiTheGreater I feel pretty much equal and opposite of what you wrote.  For me, my internal identity is very clear, but I really don't care that much about expressing eternally.  I still have guy stuff in my head and I don't hate all of it, just some of it.  What I really care about is nurturing the female side of myself and interacting with women with that side of myself.  If I were totally analytical, I'd label myself as bi-gender, but I don't really want my inner life to feel male at all.  But interacting with random people at the grocery store?  I don't need to transition.  I'm fairly happy in my male disguise.   However, it does feel more and more like a disguise and that process is ongoing.  I'm happy if the road takes me to needing more female expression externally. -Grace

 

[Davie]

On 8/4/2021 at 9:43 AM, GraceH said:

@KaiTheGreater I feel pretty much equal and opposite of what you wrote.  For me, my internal identity is very clear, but I really don't care that much about expressing eternally.  I still have guy stuff in my head and I don't hate all of it, just some of it.  What I really care about is nurturing the female side of myself and interacting with women with that side of myself.  If I were totally analytical, I'd label myself as bi-gender, but I don't really want my inner life to feel male at all.  But interacting with random people at the grocery store?  I don't need to transition.  I'm fairly happy in my male disguise.   However, it does feel more and more like a disguise and that process is ongoing.  I'm happy if the road takes me to needing more female expression externally. -Grace

 

Thanks to everyone in this topic about being bigender. It's really helpful to me and I keep coming back to read this for reassurance. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with the term, bigender, but I'm not convinced just yet. Since it does for me encompass much of the gender spectrum, I guess it's naturally an uncertain definition. There's more I need to learn about myself and having a gender therapist who is really proving her value really helps. It's a long road for someone as impatient as I am, but I'm solidly on a safe path to discovery. I'd really appreciate hearing more stories from folks who have dealt with this concept, so I'm subscribing to this topic for the long term. Thanks and hugs to all of you.

— Davie

[Punderful]

Hi @JamesM,

 

Thanks for sharing and opening up! I can really resonate with the "Is this real?!" part and the confusion.
I'm AFAB, but insist on shopping in the men's department. If there were bras for men, I'd buy them.

 

I have always wondered why it was so important for me to wear button down shirts instead of boyfriend style shirts from the ladies' department. So I thought I might be a butch or something like that. Reading and watching and listening to content around that topic, I very often feel that it doesn't quite match what I feel.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a man, but I'm not 100% woman either. I struggle with words here because I still have a hard time wrapping my head around all of it. One of the most enlightening moments was when the senior students at my school (teacher) announced that they were going to have a "gender swap" party where everyone would dress up as the "opposite" gender and that the teachers were also welcome to participate. I stopped and thought for a while. What was my opposite gender? Putting on men's clothes would be my everyday style. I would need to put on a dress or something. This would feel more like playing dress up (I like to jokingly say it's drag). But then, I actually do wear dresses once or twice a year.
It's not just about clothes. I feel warm and cozy when someone can't tell if I'm male or female. Sometimes a student accidentally says "Mr Punderful" instead of "Mrs Punderful" and I don't care, I chuckle and don't really feel misgendered. I do feel put into the wrong box when someone says, "There is only one guy in your team, you need more male teachers here." I have to stop myself from saying, "But we have one and a half guys..." 😄

At times, this is really confusing for me and the worst part is the constant doubt: "Am I only faking this because I want to have something that makes me more interesting?" and "I am not masculine/androgynous/bigender enough to really claim that label for me."

That was a lot about me ^^' What I wanted to say to you was that I can rely to the little voices of doubt coming up every once in a while. Of course, we are two different persons and needn't be the same. Who is the same as someone else? I wanted to send you sympathy and strength and good thoughts.

Best
Pun

[Kate Rascali]

I've been hunting all year for what makes the most sense and bi-gender seems to fit the best. It's good to read others landing there as well.

 

I'm ok being a dude some of the time, (I prefer it when walking alone at night!) I look good in a suit and am told I'm attractive. Cool.

Yet, I'm also very female, with vastly different needs from my male persona. I've always been effeminate to a point, (and bisexual) but that doesn't allow for me to really express my girlself.

 

The fantasy is I really just want two bodies, one fully male and one fully female, that I can switch between when I deem fit. That'd be amazing. Since that isn't possible, I'm currently pushing the boundaries of what is masculine and allowing my female persona out more and more.

 

Acknowledging both personas has been very beneficial for my mental health.

[Nikki D]

I feel for you, a lot.  The biggest thing I've learned is to do what is right for you.   Dr Seuss said "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter".  That little quote has resonated with me for a while now.  Find a friend that truly supports you and let them help you.  A lot of people want to do things on their own.  I don't believe this is the time for that.  Support is important.

 

 

 

[kira_k]

On 1/5/2021 at 4:27 AM, MayGay said:

Yeah I'm bigender. And a lot of what you said resonates with me just from the amab prespective. I'm both very masculine and feminine and yeah I just kinda have to find my own way because there's not a lot of people like me who completely embrace masculinity and femininity.

This is one of the things I've struggled with. I found out more about crossdressing and came to terms with that being okay, but then still struggled with "well I have to me all feminine then". But my therapist help me understand that I can be anywhere on that spectrum at any time. I feel both masculine (I am from birth), but also feminine. I doubt I would ever transition because I flitter across the gender spectrum. I'm slowly coming to terms with that being okay - not completely. I think I would consider myself bigender, but it is very hard to explain to people - especially those without the experience of friends who have gone through this already.

I think the problem is that people still think in a binary sort of way. So any hint of opposite traits trigger alarm bells for them. Things are slowly getting better. Maybe it's just understanding and as things are opened more to the world we all start to get a better understanding.

[Mirrabooka]

Bigender is the one label that is probably the most appropriate for me. I am AMAB and if every single layer of me was stripped away, my core would still be male. But I feel so damn femme! The way I reconcile my mind is to consider myself to having an inner woman who wants to control me, which she does in some aspects of physical appearance, dress and mannerisms. At the same time I am happy to present as male and act accordingly, with some girly traits. If I am bigender, I would be the simultaneous type. My default thoughts are about my femininity. I enjoy those thoughts. They occupy my mind constantly, unless I am distracted by an immediate task.

 

I struggled for a long time to come up with an appropriate label before deciding that it just wasn't worth it. I was tying myself in knots. I really wanted to label myself, so that I could finally own who I am and run with it, but I could never quite get comfortable with what I decided that I was. Being the simultaneous type of bigender could also mean that I am androgynous, but I don't appear that way naturally. I could also be transfeminine, but I have trouble accepting that. Maybe I'm just a man who likes crossdressing, but that doesn't make sense because I do actually feel womanly. Non-binary is too broad. Other options are too narrow. So, I can't decide. I've gone from CD to questioning to bigender to transfeminine to it-doesn't-matter to questioning again. Grrr.

 

It shouldn't matter, but it does.

[Desert Fox]

It’s so easy to get hung up on terminology, and it SEEMS important to be able to explain oneself in a word if asked to.
 

I settled on the term bigender because it made the most sense to me in describing what I experience (having both a male and female spirit or dual souls sharing a body). For me, I feel like I naturally alternate between an effeminate male and a somewhat masculine female, but i was never able to merge those into a single, consistent androgynous identity. Instead my presentation manifests in separate male and female selves that have many commonalities and overlaps, but are somewhat different in appearance, voice, personality and interests. The body is a hybrid (male anatomy, but with breasts and a more feminine build).  
 

Some issues that came up: first, not everyone defines terms like bigender and genderfluid the same way (I’ve seen each used interchangeably); second, there are variations on how bigender individuals experience themselves even if they agree on a general definition; and third, likely I would have fully transitioned (MTF) decades ago if I had felt safe and supported to do so, and I know of others that have chosen a bigender lifestyle as well, as a result of life circumstances. It CAN be a compromise to live in two genders when transition isn’t a viable option for whatever reason, and most transgender individuals I’ve known lived part time for a while before they went full-time. So does that make someone still bigender? I don’t know. One could theoretically transition fully and still “feel” bigender.

 

Of course there are critics that would argue bigender is nothing more than a new term for crossdressing or autogynephilia, but I disagree. i know some transgender individuals don’t believe in non-binary identities and say that it’s impossible or pretending or it’s a psychiatric disorder such as multiple personality. But comorbidities can and do exist, so it’s possible to be bigender and dissociative. From a more new-age perspective, feeling like one has dual souls could also be a result of a walk-in experience, and I think that is plausible. Or maybe it’s a result or a developmental anomaly we just don’t know about scientifically yet. I have seen video of a conjoined twin who was literally a male and a female in one body, not just intersex but two heads, two brains, so…it seems plausible that a developmental split could happen within a single head and brain, without the body physically developing double parts.

 

Perhaps those from indigenous cultures would see bigender more like a third gender or what is often called the “two-spirit” destination in North America, but as I didn’t grow up in such a culture, I can’t really say.

[Elisheva]

This is why I need to browse these forums more! Never heard of the term bigender but sounds pretty apt to me

[Owly]

On 8/3/2020 at 4:51 PM, AmberM said:

@JamesM one thing that keeps coming up in therapy for me is the reminder that gender identity is a spectrum, not a binary. I am AMAB, and for the past year at this point have felt mostly Trans-female. However, more recently there are doubts if I can handle going through transitioning, for a variety of reasons. I bring out Amber a lot when I am at home working (the new COVID normal), and I have gone out a couple of times to accepting events (one was a Drag/Burlesque Event, the other a "fetish" Halloween Party). There are days where I don't have that much dysphoria just wearing shorts and a t-shirt kind of thing, more gender neutral I feel. Other days, I have to go change and put on a cute top and shorts, or a dress, or you get the idea.

 

I am trying to work on caring less about classifications in the binary, and focus on being me.

Love it @AmberM ! I like what you said at the end...focus on being you.