My partner is MTF (and I'm anxious)

[myt10]

[Note: I'll be using he/him pronouns as he hasn't changed his pronouns yet.]

 

He started talking about the possibility of being nb or trans about a year ago, but it wasn't until recently that I found out he was doing a really deep dive into talking to other trans people and reading about dysphoria and the like. He took a small step to alleviate dysphoria about a week ago, collapsed into tears in front of me, and spent the next few days in a mixed state of anxiety and euphoria as he took tiny little steps just within our household to feel more feminine, even if he isn't out to anyone but me and his two best friends.

 

Initially I was relieved on his behalf and desperate to support him in any way possible, and... I still want to do that. He talks about the feeling of being in the closet as wearing a "man suit" and that that feeling's increased as he's taken more steps to alleviate dysphoria, and I don't want him to feel like he has to live in that man suit for the rest of his life if it makes him hate his body and himself. I'm bi/pansexual, so the prospect of being married to a woman doesn't bother me. But I'm here on this forum because as he takes more and more steps away from a masc presentation and towards a femme one, I feel like I'm losing touch with the person I married, and I feel terrible saying that. Is he becoming someone new? I know he isn't, but that doesn't change that the energy coming off of him is different now. The more he changes, the more uncertain I get, the more scared I get. I don't know if I'm ready for this, and I really have no say. I can't force him into the closet just because I'm irrationally worried that he's going to change so much, not even talking about visibly, that he becomes unrecognizable. I know he'll be the same person underneath the femme, but -- will he be? Do I know that? This is so hard to admit, and I feel awful, but I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to hurt him by voicing this to him, he's going through enough. I love him. I'm just scared.

 

I know I can get through this. I know I can be there for him. I just need someone to validate these feelings. I can't bear feeling like he's chosen this over continuing our relationship as comfortably as, at least, I thought it was, and it was to me, because that is absolutely unfair and irrational and I know that.

 

I'm crying as I write this because I'm hating myself for being so selfish. I know it's wrong. I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. I just needed to be honest somewhere.

[Susan R]

Hello @myt10 and welcome to our forum. I hope we can help. I want to say that I admire you for taking time to reach out and try to understand your feelings and fears as you venture into this new unknown. My wife was where you are two years ago and it was difficult. Your feelings are totally understandable and your spouse needs to understand that you have to make adjustments also if they want your support. They sound like they’re in a big hurry but for them it’s like the shot was fired and they are out of the gate only trying to realize their dream of becoming their true self.

Right now communication is key. You need to get them to really listen to you. They need to validate your feelings more than anyone here on this forum. You seem like you are not having an issue with the possible transition but it’s just moving a little too fast for you right now. This is a common complaint by even the most accepting spouses and partners of a transgender individual who has recently come out. Is your spouse really hearing you and understanding your needs? You might ask them straight up what they think your biggest fear is and see what their response is. Often they are reading your actions and nonverbal responses to their changes as negative. They may not understand what you need.

I would ask your spouse if they might be interested in going to therapy with a gender focused counselor. This may help you both compromise with each other to make this unknown a little more predictable for you both.  My wife and I made similar arrangements and it worked very well. A good therapist can help fit a plan to you and your spouse with more complete information. I would definitely look into this as an option. Thank you for sharing...I know it’s difficult but you two have all the makings of a couple that can weather this storm.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @myt10! It's a pleasure to meet you.

 

I think @Susan R said pretty much everything that I was going to, but let me underline a little. Communication is key. She needs to talk to you about what she's feeling. You need to keep her appraised of what you're feeling. That can be hard to remember but marriage is a partnership. You need to be able to communicate. That she's out to you and that you haven't rejected her is an amazing first step. A supportive spouse is a very precious gift.

 

You're perfectly valid telling her to pump the breaks a bit. Compromise is the other pillar on which your marriage rests. When i first came out to my wife, she insisted that I keep my presentation part-time until she could come to grips with it. I love her with all my heart and was more than willing to meet her partway. I'd like to say it was a more gradual transition, but she came around all at once a few months in.

Now we go clothes shopping together. We wear the same size pants, so it makes laundry day a little more complicated. but we still love and support each other. She's also mentioned that I'm more fun to have around now that I've moved past the self-loathing, so that's something you can look forward to.

 

So yeah, you are well within your rights to ask your spouse to slow down a little. She won't be able to go full throttle anyway, there are hoops she needs to jump through. Make sure any medication she takes comes from a doctor, not a shady online pharmacy. She'll need to talk to a gender therapist. Check with the therapist if you can sit in. You're married. Married couples are partners too. I think you'll find it less scary and more rewarding if you involve yourself in the process.

 

Hugs!

[KayC]

Hi @myt10!  Welcome and thank you for bringing sharing your sincere story and fears with us.  Its important we hear from partners in our transition stories so we can see

I wholeheartedly concur with @Susan R and @Jackie C..  They both have a great deal of experience in reaching positive outcomes in their relationships and I would take their advice to heart.

 

I have much less experience, but I believe your experience could almost have been written by my wife.  As MtF transfeminine in the very early stages of my journey I can connect with your feelings, the anxiety and fear of the unknown and how that clouds a relationship.  The anxiety one partner feels will often be reflected by the other partner.  I get hypersensitive about my wife's anxieties, and that probably further fuels her anxiety too.  So, it can be a vicious circle and or quite a rollercoaster.  This also relates to your comment below.
 

19 hours ago, myt10 said:

Is he becoming someone new? I know he isn't, but that doesn't change that the energy coming off of him is different now. The more he changes, the more uncertain I get, the more scared I get.

 

The one thing I can tell you, from my side of the fence, is that your partner is probably not going to "change".  Hopefully what she will do (and I believe also she should seek therapy as soon as possible, if she hasn't already) is become a better version of her true self and still retain all the qualities that brought you together in the first place.
 

19 hours ago, myt10 said:

I just need someone to validate these feelings. I can't bear feeling like he's chosen this over continuing our relationship as comfortably as, at least, I thought it was, and it was to me

 

Your feelings ARE valid. But, unless she has actually told you that the choice is between you and transition, then I believe this is just your fears and anxiety speaking to you.  Like Susan and Jackie said .. Communication.  Calmly express your true feelings for each other ... and IF the first feelings in the cue are LOVE and unconditional SUPPORT for each other then I know you will make it through this.  Therapy for both of you can be a great boost to both of yours understanding and commitment.
(btw .. if she's not already on this Forum, a great way to start is to suggest she join us ... also sorry, I am using she/her, but I assume that would truly be her preference)

Wishing the best for you both

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

 

[RhondaS]

I'd like to think trans humans are the same people they were the whole time, except they should be happier being the true self they've felt like some or all of their lives instead of suppressing it. 

[myt10]

Thank you all for replying.

 

I didn't get a chance to fully discuss this with my partner yet, but I mentioned that I'm feeling like maybe she's going too fast right now for me and that I'm sorry but I have emotional responses to this too, and she got really upset - argued that she's moving fast because "if you found out you were celiac, you wouldn't slowly cut out sugar etc, you'd stop eating it" - then threatened to stop transitioning and "just give up on this" because "[I've] been weird all week." I mentioned I was on here, talking to trans people who confirmed this feeling on both of our sides was normal, but it didn't seem to help.

 

I'm not trying to make this about me, I swear to god, I'm just dealing with my own -crap- on top of this too, and it IS a sea change and I feel like I deserve some consideration that isn't just "well I'll give up on this thing I compared to a life-threatening disease because it makes you feel uncomfortable, MYT10!!!" There has to be some middle ground. I'm not asking her to stop. I'm not. If she stops, it's her decision.

[Susan R]

46 minutes ago, myt10 said:

I'm not trying to make this about me, I swear to god, I'm just dealing with my own -crap- on top of this too, and it IS a sea change and I feel like I deserve some consideration that isn't just "well I'll give up on this thing I compared to a life-threatening disease because it makes you feel uncomfortable, MYT10!!!" There has to be some middle ground. I'm not asking her to stop. I'm not. If she stops, it's her decision.

@myt10

I (and others here) know you’re are not making this all about you. This is scary stuff. None of it is familiar to you right now. Once you get your spouse to see you are NOT saying no to change, there should be some middle ground where you both can make some compromises and meet somewhere in the middle. Talk to them calmly. Ask them what they want and when they are done, tell them what you would like to see happen. Debating or arguing rarely gets much accomplished. It rarely ever happens now but if I see my wife start to get defensive I allow them to speak and explain to me why. Allow your spouse to speak freely, write down key points while they are talking if you need to address something later and take you time to explain the reasons behind ‘this and that‘ during discussion. They need to see their transition through your eyes because clearly right now, they are seeing that you are only trying to put them back in the closet...which I realize that is not the case. Reaching out here on our forum shows me that much. I don’t know much about your situation but you spouse seems to be at their wits end and frustrated. They know (or should know) that just willing yourself to stop everything on a dime is a sure way to build resentment which in turn becomes anger and then depression. It’s not a good place. Please reassure them that you are in their corner and that you need them to help YOU too.

 

My Best,

Susan R

[Jackie C.]

Hey @myt10!

 

We're still on the communication thing. It sounds like your spouse is panicking and maybe thinks that you're getting cold feet. I get that. That is some seriously scary stuff. She's talking out of fear. Once your egg cracks... well, you wouldn't try and put a baby chick back in the shell, would you? Fortunately, you don't want that. You'd like the baby chick to grow up naturally, without pumping it full of... is chicken growth hormone a thing? Anyway, before I torture that metaphor any further, you just need to let your spouse know that you love her and support her. You just want her to slow down a little bit. Figure out what you're comfortable with and offer to do that with her. We've all got to start somewhere, right? Once you've done that, talk to her about her plan to come out and transition. Go over it together. Figure out what you need to ease into and what you're ready for. Work out a loose timetable, be ready to compromise, and talk it through.

 

Remember my first rule of arguments: If you have to raise your voice, you've already lost. Be calm and talk about it like adults. Make sure your spouse knows that this is happening, it just needs to happen on a timetable that you can both live with. After all, joint assets will be involved. That means you get a vote too. Send her to talk to me if you like. I'm always happy to answer questions and share my experiences.

 

Hugs!

[Valfole]

Hi everyone,

 

   I just wanted to thank you all so much for this thread. My spouse recently came out trans (shortly after I came out as Pan, which certainly makes things less complicated than they could be). I completely support her and I love seeing how much this revelation has made her happy. At the same time, my anxiety is way up and my insecurities are through the roof and I couldn’t figure out why until I read this thread. I BURST into tears with relief because not only did it help me understand why I felt so insane but also that I wasn’t alone. I don’t really have anything constructive to add but I really wanted to show my appreciation for you all.

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Valfole! I see this is your first post, so welcome to Transpulse!

 

I'm glad we could be of some small help to you. Please don't be shy with any questions you might have. We're here to help. We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

[KayC]

Hi @Valfole!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

I'm very happy you found this Forum and its been as helpful to you as it has been to myself and many others here. 

 

Its a great place for open dialogue so please be sure to ask questions, seek answers, and share your feelings.  That's how we all grow.  Wishing you the best in your relationship

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time.

[Kasumi63]

Hi, myt10,  Valfole, Kay-san, and everyone else on this thread!
 

I have a very loving relationship with my wife, but we have been struggling with this issue for about ten years now. I just had GCS (a week ago!), and we are very close to finding a pretty happy resolution. However, this has been a long road with lots of struggles along the way, so I hope those of you here can learn from my experience, just as I can surely learn from you.

 

Without going into too much history, just let me explain that my wife is Japanese and we communicate in the Japanese language. We’ve been married for about twelve years, and for most of this time, I have been struggling with dysphoria and my gender identity. For a couple of years, I kept this hidden—not meaning to deceive but simply because I was struggling to make sense of everything myself. Eventually, however, it became more obvious to her what was going on—and she basically hit the roof. She used to barrage me with questions, and ultimatums, asking about my sexual orientation, gender, motivations, etc. And whenever she did, I completely shut down. I know I am fault here, too, but I simply could not share my deepest, mixed up feelings, knowing that it would mean the end of our relationship. Partly, it was because I honestly couldn’t answer all her blunt questions in the direct way she wanted; partly, it was because I was terrified of being rejected, especially knowing that I would not survive being abandoned, and also because I am extremely fond of her. Sometimes, months would go by and we’d be as happy as can be, and then something would set her off, and she would start lecturing me for hours (and I do mean hours) while I would just listen passively in silence. To be fair, from her perspective, she was struggling to communicate and just wanted answers. But from my perspective, I didn’t feel safe, confident, or secure enough to reply. On those rare occasions when I did reply, the result was more questions that would confuse me even more, leading to another shut down. Sometimes, I would try to stop dressing or transitioning for our relationship, but those efforts would never last long. Basically, she wanted me to choose between transitioning and her, and that was an impossible choice for me, so I kept wavering back and forth. There is no way I will abandon her, but I also can’t stop being my female self.

 

I think here I need to pause and comment about our sexual relationship. I know this is a difficult subject for everyone—and there is a ton of diverse here—but it’s obviously important for couples, if they want to clarify their relationship. As for me, I’m almost as confused on this topic as I have been about my sexual identity and orientation. Basically, when I was a man, I felt exclusively attracted to women, but what has become very clear to me over many years is that that attraction was more of an identifying with than an attraction to in the normal sense of the word. In other words, I’ve wanted to look and be like the women I’ve been with, if that makes any sense. On the other hand, whenever I was dressed as a woman, I mainly felt attracted to men and nothing excited me more than having a man be attracted to me. These were the times that I most felt like myself. For about ten years now, we haven’t had a sexual relationship at all.

 

And yet we love each other. Apart from this issue, we get along great. We share many of the same interests, thoroughly enjoy being with other, travel together, etc. I guess you can say we are the closest of friends. Still, there has been this gender issue, and as I’ve very slowly proceeded with my transition, the issue has become more and more difficult to ignore. And then everything came to a head when I started taking hormones—and she found them. Of course, she initially got upset, but I think something broke for her, too, and she started researching and reading up on transgender issues. At the same time, she also made up her mind to support me, instead of resisting. This in turn made it easier for me to open up, and I have gained even more respect for her. The past couple of years we have been moving forward more positively. Last year, I came out to my place of work, and last week I had GCS. I have my own apartment, but spend weekends and other times here with her. We also chat online everyday without fail. I may move back in with her in the future, but I don’t know. 
 

I suppose another important issue in this that many people don’t like to talk about is finances, but this also has a huge impact on relationships. Luckily, I have been blessed with a great job that pays well. My wife has a decent job, but probably not enough to live where we live now. Anyway, I am determined to take care of her to the end, and she has made up her mind to be emotionally supportive and friends with me.

 

We will probably be getting divorced soon, maybe even this month. If you’ve read this far, you might be surprised to hear that, and I think most people think of divorce as an absolute end, but I don’t, and I don’t think my wife does either. However, this will be a big change. Obviously, she won’t be able to think of me as her husband any more (that’s been slowly changing anyway), and I won’t be able to think of her as my wife. A big reason for our decision (and it’s a negative one) is Japanese law. Here in Japan, same-sex marriage is illegal; consequently, it’s illegal to change one’s gender while being married. In other words, for me to legally become female, we have to get divorced. (I acquired Japanese citizenship many years ago.)
 

So what will the future bring for us? I honestly don’t know. We’re both in our fifties, and nearing retirement, and we’re both pretty down on the idea of marrying again. However, she might find someone and fall in love, and I might, too. Personally, I would love to have a boyfriend, but I don’t know if I can make any commitments. My wife seems to be the same way. Of course, I want her to be happy more than anything, and I deeply respect her for supporting me, even if it’s taken some time for her to get to this point. I will be moving to an apartment that’s very close by, and she will stay in our condo, and I do not doubt that we will stay as close friends.

 

Conclusions? Message of the story? I think there are many, but this has gotten way too long, so I’ll leave that for a follow up post. For now, I’ll just say that if you love and respect each other, you have nothing to fear moving foward.

 

 

[Kasumi63]

So what do I hope people (especially transgender people and loving partners) learn from my story?
 

 

First, about communication.  Many people emphasize the importance of communication, and of course, I agree with those comments. However, I also think it’s important to consider the conditions that make free and open communication possible.  I think the most important condition is that both people feel SAFE to tell the truth. If telling the truth means being abandoned and cut off, few people will have the courage to do so. This is precisely why coming out is so painful and difficult for transgender people. And I don’t recommend that people come out—unless they have a safe place to land in the event of not being accepted. Just saying, “Let’s have a discussion,” even in a calm and loving voice, doesn’t cut it. You need to let the person know that they’ll be safe regardless of how things turn out. Of course, this cuts both ways.

 

Second, about third party support. Related to what I said about communication, I think each party should find an independent friend, relative, or counselor, to whom they can talk about the relationship. This is so they’ll feel safer to be more honest with their partner. I have to admit that this is one reason my wife and I have had such a hard time, neither of us have any really close friends to confide in.

 

Third, about self-knowledge. Some people, such as my wife, can and do give very straight answers to just about any question about their feelings and beliefs. To be honest, I am somewhat in awe of such people. Are you happy? Do you think you’re female? Are you homosexual or straight? Why are you like this? Though I’ve gotten much, much better, I’ve found most of these questions to be impossible to answer, and confusing in the extreme. Needless to say, self-knowledge is important, and perhaps another important prerequisite to good communication, but at the same time, I don’t think human beings can be reduced to simple, straightforward answers all the time. So, even though you might just want a straight answer to a simple question, the person might not even have such an answer.

 

Fourth, about eliciting answers. This is where communication gets really tricky. In speaking with my wife, I often used to think to myself, “What does she want me to say.” Or, “What answer would make her happy?“ Or even, “What would be the best answer to this question?” But then I would get confused and puzzled. Now I can hear everyone saying, “Kasumi, what the hell are you doing?! You shouldn’t be trying to tell the person what they want to hear; you should just be honest and answer as best you can!” I know this, but as someone who mostly confused about her own feelings, and very sensitive to how the other person feels, trying to response to their feelings often seems more honest, than not. To summarize all this, I doubt many people are as bad as me about this, but I suspect that all communication is distorted by this type of dynamic. In fact, it’s hard to even be conscious of it, but empathy and strong feelings inevitably shape all communication.

 

I’m afraid this has turned into another rambling note, and I suppose you can summarize all this by simply saying, that while communication is important, it’s also extremely complex and has many pitfalls. Which brings me to my final point.

 

Fifth, about love and respect. As I mentioned above, I think humbly treating the other person with respect is the most important thing in moving forward. I admire how the original poster (myt10) has such a deep respect for her partner. Her humble admission of “being so selfish,” when she clearly is being the opposite, almost made me want to cry. She just wants to feel safe—like we all do. I agree with what other people wrote that in his essence and in his attitude toward you, he won’t change, but I also feel pretty sure that some things are certain to change in your relationship. However, if you both treat each other with love and respect, you have nothing to fear. It’s scary, maybe even terrifying, but I hope can also feel excited and thrilled about all the new possibilities. 
 

Please be brave and try your best to continue to be understanding and respectful of your partner! If you both can be that way, you will certainly have a wonderful adventure together. And part of an adventure is not knowing how it will turn out, while knowing it almost certainly will be something worthy of the love you’re willing to share!
 

I’m sending love and warm wishes from Japan—as I continue on a scary adventure of my own!

[Kasumi63]

I’m sorry. That was too much, and way too long. Still, that was therapeutic for me to write.
 

Good luck, myt10, dealing with your partner. I hope everything works out for the best.

[Jandi]

4 hours ago, Kasumi63 said:

I’m sorry. That was too much, and way too long. Still, that was therapeutic for me to write.

No, I'm glad you did.

I find that I have had many of these same struggles communicating with my ex.

Despite being divorced, I still feel a connection with her that I doubt will ever completely go away.

[Charlize]

Thank you for your "rant".  It was far from that and as so many of us face the challenge of maintaining a relationship while we discover ourselves, it may well help others.   Like your wife , mine had no doubts about herself and who she is.  She still does yet we remain happy together.  It is how our relationship continues and we support each other with love.  She needed to find forgiveness and i needed honesty.  I knew that my transition would make life harder.  I thought that she might want to separate making me sell the farm and return to work but instead we have grown closer.  Our relationship is different but perhaps even closer.  In June, if we make it, we will celebrate 50 years of marriage with a couple of fun years before that.

I hope you find the same!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kasumi63]

Thank you, Charlize and Jandi. Glad that both of you have stayed on good terms with your partners. Congratulations on your upcoming 50th, Charlize. That’s quite a milestone. I’m quite certain I will stay on good terms with my partner, but the law here makes it impossible to stay married and change gender. I hope myt10 and her partner make it through, too. Now is the most difficult stage of working through this transition.