A Safe Place To Share

[Abi]

Hello to all,

    Thanks to anyone that can offer some of their thoughts on this. I have been here a while and I read a lot more than I write. I often ask myself a question that many of you have answered before I was even here. I have had the struggle of keeping my femininity and desire to be seen as a woman in every way to myself for my whole life. I only let two people know before I was 42. Very painful each time. Very lonely and confusing otherwise. I have been trying to find help and acceptance in our community for a couple years now on various forums and such. I finally decided, a few months ago, that I was going to start telling people around me who I am. We all do this in so many different ways you know. I don't know that any of them are really wrong, as much as just, maybe what we expect these moments to be is not usually what we really get. Sometimes that is good and sometimes not. I have tried a couple different ways. For me, little crumbs along the path seem to prepare people the best.

    I live in rural area and have very few options for trans friendly therapists and medical care. There are many who will accept me as a client but, until yesterday, I had not found one with previous experience in our care. I always get nervous making a call to an office and having to ask about these things. I know why I need to do this and I do what I have to. I really do not want to educate someone while I learn how to help myself either but, I hear, that is often the case. I had become desperate and decided to ask my insurance company to make an anonymous search for a trans experienced caregiver in my area. The nurse hotline for my insurance company was extremely helpful. I felt respected in every way. They gave me the phone numbers and names of a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist.

     I called the psychiatrist's office and the receptionist was polite... at first. I said I was calling because I am transgender and they had been recommended by my insurance company. To be clear, I sound like a very male person. I literally cry about this dreaded fact too often. I want the voice of an angel like Marilyn Monroe but, I got Oscar the Grouch instead. So I call, say I'm transgender and sound like a male talking. It is easy for someone to say "sir" I suppose. I said that I would rather they not call me sir once, then twice. They apologized, then did it again. The fourth time, I said that I was used to it and that it was "no big deal"....but it really is. I called a psychiatrists office looking for help, because they had been suggested by my insurance and the receptionist confirmed the doctor had experience with transgender people. If the first impression I get, is that the staff of an experienced professional has not been directed to take great care in addressing us properly, then how am I to feel going in for my first visit? 

    I feel like I am going to have to go to this person since we are so isolated from options here. I do not want to. It's either a case of taking my chances with this therapist that has an apparent track record of experience with our community, choose an inexperienced one that may or may not show any real support or sadly, do nothing to try and help myself. Is this really the best we can do for our younger generations? I don't believe so. I can get the medicine I need from an endocrinologist. I know we all need support but, is this worth the experience of knowing I have already been insulted and ignored? Is there a point where we should allow this, just to get what we need or want? I feel like I will be treated poorly by the only caregiver that apparently has any experience within an hour and a half drive from me. I guess all I really am asking is what some of you would do or have done at a time like this. 

 

    I welcome any and all opinions in this. For what it's worth, I hope some day, none of us read new articles of this nature any longer. We must find a way to blaze our own path, even where one does not seem available. 

 

Thanks,?

Abigail

[Susan R]

I am so sorry you’re having to deal with people that. They must be untrained, apathetic, or simply uncaring people to treat you as such during your phone inquiry. Sadly, many of us have had to deal with this. This happened a few times early in my transition when I brought up being transgender their kind tone and helpfulness seemed to vanish. If this happens again, maybe you might try to ask them to kindly use your female first name instead of ‘sir’. If they still mess up then they are just plain lazy.

 

 If I was in your situation, the last thing I would do is settle for a second rate therapist. Your time is too valuable and you won’t really be getting the help you need. It will likely be nothing more than a tutoring session for your therapist and that does nothing for you. As hard as it is, sometimes we need to look past those who are placed as an intermediary between you and the person who can get you the support you need. If your therapist was misgendering you than I would be changing therapist immediately. They are professionals and that is part of their training. That being said, if you do decide to use the therapist/caregiver with the misgendering assistant, I would make a point to mention this before you get into any of your backstory. You can be upfront and tell them I almost didn’t set up this appointment due to this lack of care.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Jackie C.]

If you don't feel comfortable talking to this person, it's not going to be a good fit. My first question would be, "Do they have to be in the area?" I get my weekly therapy sessions remotely through video chat (though my counselor does phone calls and e-mail as well). My gender counselors have been through the University of Michigan (and were nothing but respectful) and private practice (but she doesn't have a staff, it's just her and a comfy office). Both were great.

Right, so the other option is "Give them a chance." Schedule your first visit and while you're feeling your counselor out, tell her about what you endured with her staff. If the problem isn't corrected, find another therapist because that one isn't going to work for you.

 

I would normally make a self-depreciating joke about my mental state here, but my therapist has asked me to knock that off for a bit. It's challenging.

 

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

Just my opinion. I think a lot of the therapist and doctors just want a piece of the pie. I had contacted my insurance looking for information. I just wanted a concrete answer. Does my policy include coverage for transgender services. They could not tell me yes or no. They told me to try to have something done and see if it would be covered. "OK, great. But I need to have proper evaluations done first. You know it has to be documented". They sent me a list of doctors and therapist that work with trans-people.  I must have called a dozen of them. Either they don't really work with trans-patients directly (provide therapy for the family dealing with it) or just ignored me. Granted I did find a therapist last year that has helped me quite a bit. He wasn't even on their list. It seems access to care for trans-people is almost non-existent in my area.

[Jackie C.]

Oh, derp. And my other suggestion: Find a therapist that works for you and let them refer you to someone who specializes in our issues. They might have a better network of contacts than your insurance company.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

On the other side of this coin, the therapist may be fine even though their staff may need more sensitivity training.  I would give it a try, as it may work out.