Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My Life as Transgender and Christian


Confused1

Recommended Posts

I know there are people from all walks of life here including various religions, Agnostics and Athiests. I am not trying to force anyone to believe as I do, or want to offend anyone. This is just the story of what I have experienced in my life and my experiences with becoming a Christian to realizing I am transgender. I’m 65 years old.

At a very young age I found myself wanting to be like my little sister. I was raised as Catholic and attended Catholic grade school. At around age 8 or 9 I found a neighbor in a pool of blood from suicide. I had nightmares for quite awhile and took pills for quite some time after. We moved the summer after grade school and I went to a public high school.

During puberty I experienced what I now believe was gender dysphoria. It was not in anyone’s vocabulary back then and I had no one I could ask. I struggled for quite some time with it. I was pretty much asexual. One of my uncles made fun of me as a teenager for NOT chasing skirts like his sons did. At 18, someone gave me a book written by Hal Lindsey in 1963. It blew up my world.

The book was about bible prophecy. I got my dad’s Catholic bible and realized it said what Hal Lindsey said it said. I soon left the church because I realized they were not telling me the truth and I concentrated on other things. I did wonder what the truth was.

I received an Associates degree in Electronics and got a job at a very small company that supplied Whirlpool. I quickly moved up to shift supervisor and worked nights. I had a couple of what I called Holy Rollers that worked under me. They talked me into going to their church and watch a movie that was a precursor to the Left Behind movies. Other people I worked with knew that I was searching for meaning in my life and got me to visit their churches also. All the while I didn’t fit anywhere. I tried partying with some other people. I was always trying to find a way to fit in.

One of the people I worked with set me up on a date with his sister. It was on again, off again, on again. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I wondered if I was bi sexual because I started having all kinds of things going through my mind, but not really comfortable with any of it.

One night after partying I lost control of my pickup. I was sliding sideways toward the side of a bridge with the front end hanging down in the ditch. I can’t explain how, but it was like something pushed my pickup up out of the ditch and lined it back up on the road. I did nothing to cause it, and at the time was left amazed.

I was heading toward depression. Nothing made me feel good, not the drinking or the religious people. One night just before I turned 25, I was in the office at work with no one around. I started praying to God for answers. I offered myself and the rest of my life to Jesus to do with whatever He wanted. I told Him if He wanted to take control and make me His robot, I was willing. Jeremiah 29:13 says “those who earnestly seek Him with all their heart will find Him” I got saved that night and walked from darkness to light. I went from depression to joy. I finally understood what Jesus told Nicodemus in John 3. I was saved by Grace through faith as it says in Ephesians 2:8-9. I did NOT get saved in a church nor was I told what to say.

When I opened a bible again to try to figure out what had happened to me it seemed to come alive to me. It all started to make sense.

 

Very soon after this I got back together with my one and only girl friend. I prayed to God for direction. I then asked her to marry me.

During one of my previous parties with the drinking friends I had a bad experience at trying to have sex with someone else when we were both a little drunk. This experience caused me to marry my wife with no expectations for sex. I don’t think many guys think that way. I felt that if what I experienced the first time was what it was like, I didn’t need it.  I just wanted companionship and LOVE.

I talked to a priest from the Church I had previously attended. I asked him to marry us in order to make my Catholic family happy. I became uncomfortable with the things the Priest was telling me, so I talked to a coworker and he got his preacher to marry us. It was a United Church of Christ.

My wife was afraid of sex because of things her family told her growing up. Since I didn’t think I wanted it either, we did without for awhile. Seem abnormal? When we finally became intimate and I felt the closeness for two becoming one, I let the male hormones take over. Not sure if I experienced it like the normal male, but WOW! We ended up with two beautiful children.

I bought seven different versions of the bible because I couldn’t figure why there were so many religions. I studied and compared them to the point my wife was getting upset over the amount of time I spent doing it. Somehow I managed to get her saved as well. I realized the bibles all said the same thing. Different churches were either leaving out things or only talking about things they considered important, like I experienced in the Roman Catholic Church, but to a lesser degree.

I am by nature an introvert. For awhile I was afraid to talk to anybody about what I had experienced. One of my coworkers gave me a cassette tape that had an old song on it called “Sorry I never knew you.” Hearing it made me get beyond the shyness and made me want to tell everyone. I didn’t realize it at the time, but most people around me had already noticed something had changed me before I said anything to them.

When I started talking to the people I worked with, something would always break down whenever I brought up Jesus, and there wasn’t a maintenance man on my shift. I was the one who always had to go fix it. I have a knack with electrical, mechanical, pneumatics, and hydraulics. It became obvious to everyone that every time I mentioned Jesus, something immediately broke down that I had to go fix.

In time, my company wanted to open another plant in an Arkansas town to supply another Whirlpool plant there. They recognized I was able to fix almost anything and get the most production of anybody there from the equipment and the people. They asked me to manage the new satellite plant, so we moved there. At that time I had 2 very small children.

In time we grew the business. We soon out produced the corporate plant on several different parts. After about 11 years at the Arkansas plant and shortly before they moved my plant to Mexico to follow Whirlpool’s move, I took a job at another company to stay in Arkansas.

Not long after that I happened to watch a SyFy movie about a future time where you could pick changes you wanted done to your body. You could walk into a machine and a couple hours later you came out with those modifications.

In the movie a married woman decided she wanted to try being a man. She snuck out and did it. When her husband realized what she had done he was furious. By the end of the movie love won over and the man entered the machine to become the wife. I immediately had another bout with dysphoria. I couldn’t get it out of my mind for quite some time. I realized I wanted to trade places with my wife! I finally choked it down and moved on. I didn’t know what I was experiencing or why, but I continued to believe it was from finding my dead neighbor as a youngster. I figured it had put some kind of strange glitch in my thinking.

About 5 to 6 years ago I started reconnecting with the people from the corporate plant I got saved at through Facebook. Several of them told me that what they saw happen to me and what I told them had changed their lives. Sometimes seeds that get planted take a little while to grow. Many were saved and two of them had become preachers. There are a lot of things about life I still don’t understand, but I know in my heart there is a God that loves us, even though some churchgoers don’t.

A lot of people that call themselves Christian don’t really understand what Christian means anymore than they understand what a transgender is. Sadly some that truly are Christians also behave the same way. Many on this forum have been hurt by them. I also know that not all bigots are Christians. There are bigots from other religions as well as Atheist bigots. Bigots can come in all colors and from all backgrounds. It doesn’t make the bible any less true, or mean that God loves us less. I have also come to understand more about what the bible calls Eunuchs. It talks about three kinds of Eunuchs. I think one of those might explain some of us.
 

I first heard the term transgender a few years ago, but the way it was described, I knew that it was not who I was. It seemed to mean someone that had wild sexual urges and fantasies that changed who they were. You needed to stay away from them and definitely not let your children near them.

I have struggled for most of my life with the thoughts I had that seemed to conflict with my faith. While reading a thread written by someone on another forum not long ago, I actually found out what transgender means and realized I am one. That person does not claim to be Christian, but seems to be every bit as moral as I am.

I live completely isolated in a very conservative area. There is a gay person in the family and I have worked side by side with some of them. I had never met anyone I knew to be transgender in person until just recently thru another website.

Not long ago, I tried to correct someone I have known for over 4 decades about a comment he made about transgenders and he started to get angry. I did my best to back away. Nobody deserves that type behavior.

I would take a bullet for my wife and children and don’t want to upset the life I now have. Please don’t take that wrong. I know some are being eaten alive with dysphoria and have trouble avoiding full time. Mine is just more like background noise. I am working toward Zero Depth vaginoplasty, but it is for me and no one else. I have a medical condition that could be improved or even resolved by the surgery as well as better fit who I am.

A few weeks ago I gathered up some information about studies done comparing cisgender and transgender brains and some things another transgender Christian wrote, along with a description of the Zero Depth vaginoplasty. With the consent of my wife, I spent 3 hours alone with my Pastor in a very conservative non denominational Pentecostal leaning church in the Bible belt. (I am a Board member of the church, run the audio visual for the music, and known for my knowledge of the bible) I have actually helped the Pastor himself learn more about the Bible. Before I was done, I admitted I was transgender.

I was not kicked out of the church. Quite the opposite. I thought it might go this way, but I was a little scared. We have had several conversations since. The Pastor finally seems to get it. Not all Christians are bigots, especially if they can just understand who we are. They also need to realize what Galatians actually says about the law and Grace. They do NOT co-exist. One scripture used a lot is Deuteronomy 22:5. The way to answer that is have them read verse 22:11. I know many of you have had quite the opposite experience and nobody deserves that! I have been horrified at some of the stories I have heard on other forums.


Jesus loves you as much as me!

Link to post
  • Admin

Trans people are slowly but steadily beginning to show our religions the true gifts we can bring to them in our changed lives.  For any God to love us, we must first love ourselves in complete honesty.

Link to post
5 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Trans people are slowly but steadily beginning to show our religions the true gifts we can bring to them in our changed lives.

 

Hi Vicky,

 

Both sides can gain from this. We have much to offer as do they. The problem is that many have no clue who we really are and don't want to know. Most don't even know what the Bible actually says. If I hadn't known this Pastor over 35 years I may not have been able to reach him. I knew him a long time before he started preaching.

 

I have met several transgenders that have basically been run out of their church, some even beat up because of something that doesn't fit their version of "reality" I think if we don't educate them, no one will. At the same time it can be a dangerous thing to try. ymmv

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
On 8/29/2020 at 8:29 PM, Confused1 said:

This is just the story of what I have experienced in my life and my experiences with becoming a Christian to realizing I am transgender.

I very much enjoyed reading your expanded life story. I knew bits and pieces but it was nice to see it all laid out chronologically here. You and I have had many similar life events and experiences starting with being raised in a Catholic family, almost dying in a car accident in my youth, developing severe gender dysphoria at puberty, reading Hal Lindsey’s “Late Great Planet Earth” making me realize the importance of bible prophesy, and then becoming a Christian through the grace of Jesus. And of course I can’t forget about meeting you online on a transgender forum...what are the odds? ?

 

20 hours ago, Confused1 said:

If I hadn't known this Pastor over 35 years I may not have been able to reach him. I knew him a long time before he started preaching.

 

I have met several transgenders that have basically been run out of their church

I’m know my wife has mentioned her previous church to you. I used to attend her conservative Pentecostal church periodically when she was teaching or speaking. I also attended her bible study on occasion. I wanted so much to fit in but I thought I was too different and would have to hide too much of my past if I ever became close to anyone in the church. After coming out to my wife she eventually came out to her church. She felt there might be a small chance they would let me attend services. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The pastors took some time to think about our situation. They decided She was welcome to continue to lead and attend services but I was not allowed to come. Needless to say, she kindly bowed out and we found another church that would accept us both as we are.  I do have to add that My wife was recently told that I would be allowed to attend services but we are not returning because during the conversation the pastor asked how I looked and presented. Tolerance is NOT acceptance so we are not interested in worshiping with them.

 

I am so glad that your situation with your church proved to be so different. I wish I had a pastor like yours who can see you for you and not be so concerned about the trivial or at least try to understand with empathy. Jesus didn’t  look at anyone in need and walk by because they didn’t fit the description of what was acceptable by society. He did quite the opposite.

 

Thank again for sharing your story. I am really glad you’re  here.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

Link to post
On 8/30/2020 at 12:29 PM, Confused1 said:

This is just the story of what I have experienced in my life and my experiences with becoming a Christian to realizing I am transgender.

Thank you for sharing your life story and powerful journey.  This can be so beneficial to others here who have to struggle with religious and social intolerance, and your example of how one can overcome those obstacles.

Bigotry (and other base characteristics) and Faith are both powerful functions of the human condition.  To use Faith as the foundation of compassion and acceptance of others (and yourself) establishes the orbit of happiness and peace (for oneself and society). 

I am happy you have launched yourself into that orbit❣️

Link to post
On 8/31/2020 at 11:49 AM, Susan R said:

I very much enjoyed reading your expanded life story. I knew bits and pieces but it was nice to see it all laid out chronologically here.  I can’t forget about meeting you online on a transgender forum...what are the odds? ?

 

I am so glad that your situation with your church proved to be so different. I wish I had a pastor like yours who can see you for you and not be so concerned about the trivial or at least try to understand with empathy.

 

Thank again for sharing your story. I am really glad you’re  here.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

Hi Susan,

 

Thanks for your kind words. We do have many similar things in our past. It just took me a lot longer to realize it.

 

You have an amazing wife! She has helped me make sense of what was going on in my head the last few months when I could not! She and one other person I have mentioned to her helped me immensely in what to say to my Pastor.

 

I am glad to be here as well!

 

13 hours ago, KayC said:

Thank you for sharing your life story and powerful journey.  This can be so beneficial to others here who have to struggle with religious and social intolerance, and your example of how one can overcome those obstacles.

Bigotry (and other base characteristics) and Faith are both powerful functions of the human condition.  To use Faith as the foundation of compassion and acceptance of others (and yourself) establishes the orbit of happiness and peace (for oneself and society). 

I am happy you have launched yourself into that orbit❣️

 

Hi Kay,

 

We all have stories we can help each other with. I have learned so much about myself in the last few months by reading about and talking to others. I have talked with some whose stories of intolerance almost make me cry. Actually, I did for one of them. Much of the world considers us Lepers, or less, yet don't even know who we really are! It is a shame, but we seem to be the only ones who can educate them. That can be dangerous for some. This is NOT what Jesus intended!

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to post
7 hours ago, Confused1 said:

It is a shame, but we seem to be the only ones who can educate them. That can be dangerous for some. This is NOT what Jesus intended!

Hi Mike.  Yes!  you are correct on all three points❣️

Link to post
  • 4 months later...
gina-nicole-t

I feel that I am more of an Agnostic even though I grew up in a Christian home. I will elaborate on that. I had a class during my Bachelor's Degree called Logic and Critical Thinking and that was the best class I could ever have had. It was the class that had the biggest breakthrough on my life as a trans-woman and a person. The instructor showed us that a lot of our parents used "do as I say not as I do" logic on us as children. That was the ah-ha moment for me. My parents who were faithful members of the church used that on my for as long as I could remember, as well as being abusive to me. 

This is the main reason that I have not been back to Church in a very long time. I cannot reconcile what they did as religious people, and the religion I was brought up in as their stance against me as transgender. Don't get me wrong I believe in God, and Jesus. I just don't believe that I have to attend any organized religion to worship them. 

If there is a book chapter and verse that says I have to do that show me, because I don't believe it exists. 

Warmest regards,

Gina

Link to post
  • Admin

 

1 hour ago, gina-nicole-t said:

I just don't believe that I have to attend any organized religion to worship them. 

 

The Maronist Christian philosopher poet Ravindranath Tagore put it into just a couple of lines for us --

 

While God waits for God's temple to be built of love
   Men bring stones!

 

 

 

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@VickySGV Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't doubt God loves me that wasn't the intention of my post. I just have serious doubts about organized religion, and if (and you may have, and it's not any of my business if you did) suffer abuse at the hands of your parents who then went to Church putting on a false face to everyone their, you may have doubts like me also. If as the end of your post says you consider me a half armed adversary that's cool too. I know that there is a lot about religion I don't know, and probably refuse to listen to because of what happened to me. Maybe one day I will start attending services again. 

Regards, 

Gina 

Link to post
Confused1
4 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

@VickySGV Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't doubt God loves me that wasn't the intention of my post. I just have serious doubts about organized religion, and if (and you may have, and it's not any of my business if you did) suffer abuse at the hands of your parents who then went to Church putting on a false face to everyone their, you may have doubts like me also. If as the end of your post says you consider me a half armed adversary that's cool too. I know that there is a lot about religion I don't know, and probably refuse to listen to because of what happened to me. Maybe one day I will start attending services again. 

Regards, 

Gina 

 

Hi Gina,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from and a lot of people have been put through the wringer by people claiming to be Christian. I live in an area where even the progressive churches would probably be unreceptive to us, so I started working to win over my own church. I have a long history with these people and they respect my bible knowledge.

 

It is not only the church that feels this way about us, but a good deal of the cis-world. Jesus did not do what many Christians are doing. He walked amongst and talked to the people the Jewish congregations considered ungodly and lepers.

 

Vicky stated this well in her first comment:

On 8/30/2020 at 10:49 AM, VickySGV said:

Trans people are slowly but steadily beginning to show our religions the true gifts we can bring to them in our changed lives.  For any God to love us, we must first love ourselves in complete honesty.

 

The scripture you may be looking for is Hebrews 10:25 "not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

 

I brought this scripture up to my Pastor and asked him what if you aren't welcome? It hit home. I do not suggest trying to do this if it is unsafe.

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to post
  • Admin

@gina-nicole-t My quote from Tagore there actually illustrates the point I hear in your post.  I am much more spiritual than religious.  The symbol in that couplet was that your spiritual relation to people and to a deity is more important that a building or even a specific group of people and yet people try to confine their beliefs to a particular structure of theology and physical structure of a church.  My practice of my spirituality is  to respect and honor the dignity of EVERY human being however I meet them or find them.  I do not demand that they be inside any set of stone walls.  The "stone walls" do not have to be stone, they may be paper pages in a book of scripture or worship that are used to isolate one group of people from another.  I was not arguing with you, I was attempting to validate your feelings and outlook. Sadly, too many people bring rocks to throw at each other to do harm.

Link to post

I spent most of my life in churches of one sort or another.  I was raised in a conservative Lutheran church, and even went to a church affiliated elementary school.  While I did question things in my teens and early 20's, after marrying and starting a family, had a "conversion" experience, and was back in a conservative church.  Over the years we moved between a number of churches, sometimes due to a move, other times to church splits. (which is another painful subject) Despite what some people (my ex) believe, I was not faking it.  I truly believed that the Bible was the authoritative "word of God", and the Holy Spirit was in us.  So I felt obligated to conform my perceived reality into a "biblical" framework.  It gets hard sometimes trying to make science fit into a 144hr creation, for example.  (I do realize that all christians aren't trying to do this but… the ones I was with did.)  You were expected to believe the Bible over your own eyes.

 

We got involved with some "Messianic Jews" and I studied Torah for a bit.  It was kinda the same sort of thing.  I also began to look into the origins of the New Testament and found that the same people who forbid Sabbath worship, were the ones that chose the NT cannon.  I looked into some of the Christian writings that were not included - some of them are pretty off the wall.  Anyway, my view of the authority of scripture changed somewhat.

 

While all this was going on I was beginning to admit that a lot of "girl stuff" did have an appeal to me.  I like rom-coms, and Jane Austin is one of my favorite authors.  But I avoided anything LGBTQ-like with a passion.  After all, it is an abomination, right?

 

After the kids were grown my marriage broke up.  I was till going to a mens' group at a local church, but finally admitted that I had little in common with these people - including the "guy thing".  Since I no longer felt compelled not to, I cracked the door to my closet opened and took a peek.  Just as an experiment, I got a skirt (which was a struggle in itself) and when I put it on, things fell into place for me.  I was finally free.

 

I don't consider myself a Christian now.  But I'm not an atheist.  My concept of "god" has certainly changed though.  I know a lot of nice Christians, and I don't have any ill-will toward them.  

 

Sorry if this got a bit long.  It took awhile to write.  It is a difficult subject for me.

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@VickySGV I truly apologize. When all you have ever know in your life when it comes to religion is a basic argument that "our religion is right and everyone else is wrong" sound familiar? That it has taken me years to deprogram myself from that. Also I really don't know any of the enlighten sayings that you do. I realize that I am truly a nerd when it comes to computers and networks, but when it comes to people I sadly lack skills. I guess I always have. I never have truly had a stable relationship in my 48 years. I guess it was because I was always alone that computers just appealed to me. They couldn't hurt me, yell at me, or make me feel bad about myself. I figure I will always be alone. 

Warmest, 

Gina

Link to post
  • Admin
4 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

I truly apologize. When all you have ever know in your life when it comes to religion is a basic argument that "our religion is right and everyone else is wrong" sound familiar?

 

I actually heard that up there in the post I first responded to and sadly know too well where it comes from.  I spent many years with those same feelings, believe it or not.  I am out and fully accepted in my regional and, yes, national church today and am included in its LGBTQ leadership corps as a lay person, but I am aware that others have much different needs and I respect the dignity of each and all of them who seek self knowledge and self fulfillment. If another person is kind, open to friendship as their personal nature allows and is willing to be of service to others as best they can, that is millions of times better than any formal religion to me.  By the way, another quote from my source up there is hopefully more understandable:

From the solemn gloom of the Temple,
Children rush out to joyfully play in the dust

God watches the children, and ignores the priest.

 

My brain became a sponge for this type comment during my dark night as well and they come up at the best/worst times to both myself and a few antagonists who are too stuffy for me. I am one of the kids out there getting dirty.

 

Link to post
3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

From the solemn gloom of the Temple,
Children rush out to joyfully play in the dust

God watches the children, and ignores the priest.

I like this

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@VickySGV Thank you for you deep understanding. It is always welcome and appreciated. I know that you probably remember this https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089069/, but when I first saw this on TV I felt such sorrow for the character played by Aiden Quinn dying of AIDS. However, my father the "so called Christian" cursed me, beat me, and yelled at me for feeling for a homosexual who brought it on himself. That was my life growing up. The belief that the way women dressed was why they were raped. I don't think I need go further. These are the same people who wanted me to go to Harding Christian College in Arkansas. I was no, I know what I want to do and it doesn't involve that college. 

Thank you as always, 

Gina

Link to post
  • Admin

@gina-nicole-t❤️😢  Yes, the film was about a terrible time.  My father had been the victim of a teenage molestation by a friend of his best friend's brother, and he had been blamed for what happened.  My dad could not understand that his double rape (the physical acts and then the reaction by the adults involved) was not about Gay sex but about male dominance that has been around since even before the first few pages of Old Testament time.  It was not the other boy loving him, it was the other boy putting him down.  I could not really address my Trans to him ever, and it was not until he died that Vicky could become authentic.  The fear and misinformation, other people longing for dominance to combat that fear that keep them from loving and accepting wonderful people are an ongoing challenge that cannot be ignored or covered up with old theology in order for Trans and the LGB to be fully welcomed.  

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@VickySGV I understand exactly what you mean by the dominant personally of the father. Mine dominated me, and my mother, even though she gave as good as she got from him. Talk about a totally dysfunctional parental relationship growing up. I could never talk about how I felt to them at all. I know that it would have meant either conversion therapy in our church, or a beating within an inch of my life. All they understood was male, female, and straight. Gay, lesbian, was not in their vocabulary and to my knowledge transgender was not even a word yet where I grew up even though it might have been in other parts of the USA. They picked and chose what parts of the Bible to throw at me. From parts of the Old Testament to the New just to make me feel bad about being me. I truly believe this is why I had a really difficult time dating, making friends, and so on. They controlled how I felt to the point I just wanted to be alone all the time, and kids in school left me that way. Plus because they were also school teachers in the same district I went to school in didn't help with the friend situation at all. I never understood how they could act so different in public, and be such monsters in private. I guess that's why I didn't really cry when they died. The monsters were dead, and I could finally go on and heal my life and be me. I know I am not there yet, and it will take time. 

Thank you for your wisdom,

Gina 

Link to post
  • Admin

:thumbsup:❤️❤️

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@Jandi When you have parents like that running your life it gives you a complex as to how the rest of the world really is. All they wanted me to believe was just how the Church believed the world worked, not how the world really is. As we all know those are two distinct different things. You can believe in God, and live in the world without being a horrible person. Problem was they were horrible people living in the Church (not the first time we have heard of such things). After their deaths I was fortunate to travel the world and learn everything they chose to keep from me, and it was eye opening to say the least. I learn about the world, and more about myself in the process. Yes the abuse I endured was horrible, the lack of friendship, and being able to date didn't make high school pleasant. However, now that I am in the process of my gender transition I have a community that I could never have hoped for in my wildest dreams that supports me and everyone else. I have friends now from all over the world. It's more than I ever could've hoped for when I was young. 

Hugs, 

Gina

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...
AgnesBardsie

@gina-nicole-t "now that I am in the process of my gender transition I have a community that I could never have hoped for in my wildest dreams that supports me and everyone else"

 

I'm blown away by the love on this forum! I recognize now how hard it's been for me to see and accept the truth when I've been filtering everything through a mask. If I'm not being my authentic self, how can I really love unconditionally, not that this attainable for any of us, but it's even more difficult when the true self has been choked off. Love then becomes conditional on the other person's acceptance of my perception of the rules. If God's love is unconditional, then it takes a lot of Chutzpah to set boundaries on it. 

 

The really cool part is the total forgiveness of God when the blinders come off.  The offense on my part has been being silent when hurtful things were said by others - silence is consent in any debate. The challenge is how to say what needs to be said in a loving way, not by using the shaming tactics or implied shame, but leading others to accept themselves the same way that I'm learning how to do that. I'd be interested in hearing others' thoughts on how to approach this. 

 

Link to post
Confused1

Agnes, I'm glad to see you came here. I will send you a message. It will show up in the envelop at the top of your screen.

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to post
  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/29/2020 at 8:29 PM, Confused1 said:

I know there are people from all walks of life here including various religions, Agnostics and Athiests. I am not trying to force anyone to believe as I do, or want to offend anyone. This is just the story of what I have experienced in my life and my experiences with becoming a Christian to realizing I am transgender. I’m 65 years old.

At a very young age I found myself wanting to be like my little sister. I was raised as Catholic and attended Catholic grade school. At around age 8 or 9 I found a neighbor in a pool of blood from suicide. I had nightmares for quite awhile and took pills for quite some time after. We moved the summer after grade school and I went to a public high school.

During puberty I experienced what I now believe was gender dysphoria. It was not in anyone’s vocabulary back then and I had no one I could ask. I struggled for quite some time with it. I was pretty much asexual. One of my uncles made fun of me as a teenager for NOT chasing skirts like his sons did. At 18, someone gave me a book written by Hal Lindsey in 1963. It blew up my world.

The book was about bible prophecy. I got my dad’s Catholic bible and realized it said what Hal Lindsey said it said. I soon left the church because I realized they were not telling me the truth and I concentrated on other things. I did wonder what the truth was.

I received an Associates degree in Electronics and got a job at a very small company that supplied Whirlpool. I quickly moved up to shift supervisor and worked nights. I had a couple of what I called Holy Rollers that worked under me. They talked me into going to their church and watch a movie that was a precursor to the Left Behind movies. Other people I worked with knew that I was searching for meaning in my life and got me to visit their churches also. All the while I didn’t fit anywhere. I tried partying with some other people. I was always trying to find a way to fit in.

One of the people I worked with set me up on a date with his sister. It was on again, off again, on again. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I wondered if I was bi sexual because I started having all kinds of things going through my mind, but not really comfortable with any of it.

One night after partying I lost control of my pickup. I was sliding sideways toward the side of a bridge with the front end hanging down in the ditch. I can’t explain how, but it was like something pushed my pickup up out of the ditch and lined it back up on the road. I did nothing to cause it, and at the time was left amazed.

I was heading toward depression. Nothing made me feel good, not the drinking or the religious people. One night just before I turned 25, I was in the office at work with no one around. I started praying to God for answers. I offered myself and the rest of my life to Jesus to do with whatever He wanted. I told Him if He wanted to take control and make me His robot, I was willing. Jeremiah 29:13 says “those who earnestly seek Him with all their heart will find Him” I got saved that night and walked from darkness to light. I went from depression to joy. I finally understood what Jesus told Nicodemus in John 3. I was saved by Grace through faith as it says in Ephesians 2:8-9. I did NOT get saved in a church nor was I told what to say.

When I opened a bible again to try to figure out what had happened to me it seemed to come alive to me. It all started to make sense.

 

 

 

Very soon after this I got back together with my one and only girl friend. I prayed to God for direction. I then asked her to marry me.

During one of my previous parties with the drinking friends I had a bad experience at trying to have sex with someone else when we were both a little drunk. This experience caused me to marry my wife with no expectations for sex. I don’t think many guys think that way. I felt that if what I experienced the first time was what it was like, I didn’t need it.  I just wanted companionship and LOVE.

I talked to a priest from the Church I had previously attended. I asked him to marry us in order to make my Catholic family happy. I became uncomfortable with the things the Priest was telling me, so I talked to a coworker and he got his preacher to marry us. It was a United Church of Christ.

My wife was afraid of sex because of things her family told her growing up. Since I didn’t think I wanted it either, we did without for awhile. Seem abnormal? When we finally became intimate and I felt the closeness for two becoming one, I let the male hormones take over. Not sure if I experienced it like the normal male, but WOW! We ended up with two beautiful children.

I bought seven different versions of the bible because I couldn’t figure why there were so many religions. I studied and compared them to the point my wife was getting upset over the amount of time I spent doing it. Somehow I managed to get her saved as well. I realized the bibles all said the same thing. Different churches were either leaving out things or only talking about things they considered important, like I experienced in the Roman Catholic Church, but to a lesser degree.

I am by nature an introvert. For awhile I was afraid to talk to anybody about what I had experienced. One of my coworkers gave me a cassette tape that had an old song on it called “Sorry I never knew you.” Hearing it made me get beyond the shyness and made me want to tell everyone. I didn’t realize it at the time, but most people around me had already noticed something had changed me before I said anything to them.

When I started talking to the people I worked with, something would always break down whenever I brought up Jesus, and there wasn’t a maintenance man on my shift. I was the one who always had to go fix it. I have a knack with electrical, mechanical, pneumatics, and hydraulics. It became obvious to everyone that every time I mentioned Jesus, something immediately broke down that I had to go fix.

In time, my company wanted to open another plant in an Arkansas town to supply another Whirlpool plant there. They recognized I was able to fix almost anything and get the most production of anybody there from the equipment and the people. They asked me to manage the new satellite plant, so we moved there. At that time I had 2 very small children.

In time we grew the business. We soon out produced the corporate plant on several different parts. After about 11 years at the Arkansas plant and shortly before they moved my plant to Mexico to follow Whirlpool’s move, I took a job at another company to stay in Arkansas.

Not long after that I happened to watch a SyFy movie about a future time where you could pick changes you wanted done to your body. You could walk into a machine and a couple hours later you came out with those modifications.

In the movie a married woman decided she wanted to try being a man. She snuck out and did it. When her husband realized what she had done he was furious. By the end of the movie love won over and the man entered the machine to become the wife. I immediately had another bout with dysphoria. I couldn’t get it out of my mind for quite some time. I realized I wanted to trade places with my wife! I finally choked it down and moved on. I didn’t know what I was experiencing or why, but I continued to believe it was from finding my dead neighbor as a youngster. I figured it had put some kind of strange glitch in my thinking.

About 5 to 6 years ago I started reconnecting with the people from the corporate plant I got saved at through Facebook. Several of them told me that what they saw happen to me and what I told them had changed their lives. Sometimes seeds that get planted take a little while to grow. Many were saved and two of them had become preachers. There are a lot of things about life I still don’t understand, but I know in my heart there is a God that loves us, even though some churchgoers don’t.

 

A lot of people that call themselves Christian don’t really understand what Christian means anymore than they understand what a transgender is. Sadly some that truly are Christians also behave the same way. Many on this forum have been hurt by them. I also know that not all bigots are Christians. There are bigots from other religions as well as Atheist bigots. Bigots can come in all colors and from all backgrounds. It doesn’t make the bible any less true, or mean that God loves us less. I have also come to understand more about what the bible calls Eunuchs. It talks about three kinds of Eunuchs. I think one of those might explain some of us.
 

I first heard the term transgender a few years ago, but the way it was described, I knew that it was not who I was. It seemed to mean someone that had wild sexual urges and fantasies that changed who they were. You needed to stay away from them and definitely not let your children near them.

I have struggled for most of my life with the thoughts I had that seemed to conflict with my faith. While reading a thread written by someone on another forum not long ago, I actually found out what transgender means and realized I am one. That person does not claim to be Christian, but seems to be every bit as moral as I am.

I live completely isolated in a very conservative area. There is a gay person in the family and I have worked side by side with some of them. I had never met anyone I knew to be transgender in person until just recently thru another website.

 

Not long ago, I tried to correct someone I have known for over 4 decades about a comment he made about transgenders and he started to get angry. I did my best to back away. Nobody deserves that type behavior.

I would take a bullet for my wife and children and don’t want to upset the life I now have. Please don’t take that wrong. I know some are being eaten alive with dysphoria and have trouble avoiding full time. Mine is just more like background noise. I am working toward Zero Depth vaginoplasty, but it is for me and no one else. I have a medical condition that could be improved or even resolved by the surgery as well as better fit who I am.

A few weeks ago I gathered up some information about studies done comparing cisgender and transgender brains and some things another transgender Christian wrote, along with a description of the Zero Depth vaginoplasty. With the consent of my wife, I spent 3 hours alone with my Pastor in a very conservative non denominational Pentecostal leaning church in the Bible belt. (I am a Board member of the church, run the audio visual for the music, and known for my knowledge of the bible) I have actually helped the Pastor himself learn more about the Bible. Before I was done, I admitted I was transgender.

I was not kicked out of the church. Quite the opposite. I thought it might go this way, but I was a little scared. We have had several conversations since. The Pastor finally seems to get it. Not all Christians are bigots, especially if they can just understand who we are. They also need to realize what Galatians actually says about the law and Grace. They do NOT co-exist. One scripture used a lot is Deuteronomy 22:5. The way to answer that is have them read verse 22:11. I know many of you have had quite the opposite experience and nobody deserves that! I have been horrified at some of the stories I have heard on other forums.


Jesus loves you as much as me!

 

I was raised Baptist. I struggle constantly with being trans and Christian. As a result of life choices I feel trapped and unable to truly be myself.😥

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   10 Members, 0 Anonymous, 83 Guests (See full list)

    • Chloe Cozee
    • Carolyn Marie
    • JJ
    • MelanieTamara
    • KathyLauren
    • JustineM
    • Heather A
    • JMG
    • AmberM
    • Red_Lauren.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      73,689
    • Total Posts
      680,198
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      8,292
    • Most Online
      8,356

    leongreen
    Newest Member
    leongreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. wishing to be kim
      wishing to be kim
      (61 years old)
  • Posts

    • Jackie C.
      Not impossible, but it takes a LOT of work to build man-legs without T. For example, I can press 11 plates (that's 990 pounds plus another 110 for the carriage) and my legs still look girly. It'll take a lot of calf and leg work to thicken them up without T.   Hugs!
    • AwesomeClaire
      Well, she probably won't be supportive then or use your name/pronouns, unfortunately. That's a tough one. You have to think about the possibility/eventuality tho that she will find out. How would you want her to find out?
    • AwesomeClaire
      Ok, have you tried strength training? For example, exercising regularly and including weightlifting, to reduce body fat and increase muscle mass?
    • Bri2020
      I have butt envy Liz I'm in casual mode around the house today and repping my Dolphins. (and I have no butt to show. lol)  
    • Kakileli
      I know that my sister is INCREDIBLY homophobic, so I assume she is transphobic too. Not much else. I don’t live with her btw 
    • Chiefsrule58
      Shame and fear of how others would react and not wanting to disappoint my parents.  Growing up from the time I started kindergarten to when I graduated I was always subject to violence and bullying.  My parents knew of the bullying as well as the  teachers and principles. My mother just kept telling me that if I didn't just act the way I did the other kids would leave me be. My father took a different stance, he thought I should learn to stand up for myself so his approach was either you fight back or I will beat you myself.   It took me a very long time for me to change my believes about myself.  Overtime I got really good at hiding and avoiding others primarily for my own safety. In high school I had the opportunity to join NJROTC which I did because I did not want to deal with the gym locker room.        I enjoyed the experience but still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. My Junior year of high school I took a severe beating by a group of guys so I convinced my mom to let me sign up for the Navy and told the recruiter I wanted to go to Navy boot camp ASAP so I left three days after I graduated high school the next year.        I struggled in my first couple of years in the Navy.  I got better at fitting in and I made friends with a female Sailor and we started hanging out all the time eventually she introduced to me wife. The dysphoria got worse after I married and eventually I came out to her a couple years into our marriage. Eventually our marriage came apart a divorce was eminent then by the grace of God things changed  and we worked things out. At that point I was choosing the Navy; a job that I loved and was good at over authenticity, I had convinced myself that I could tolerate and live with the dysphoria. At this point my wife and I had endured four more deployments and the birth and death of our daughter.      By 2015 we had two more children  both had been diagnosed with ASD.  It was at that point that it just became extremely difficult for me to function and deal with everything on top of the dysphoria. My wife encouraged me and made arrangements for me to see a therapist, so I did and started to attend group as well.  Meeting other transgender people for the first time really changed my life because it gave me hope.       I was at 18 years in the Navy at that point and was very torn on what I wanted to do. I choose to stay Navy and endure.  I kept going to group and therapy when i could and  once the DOD changed the policy I started taking HRT.  Things never really worked out with coming out in the Navy or with medical just to many road blocks. I enjoyed being a Navy Chief so I continued on in my career.  The thing that caused me to move beyond the state of limbo was the two suicide attempts, barley surviving the second one. I held things together after that because I was so grateful just to be alive.        I retired from the Navy in 2020 and things didn't get better so I reached out to the VA for help.  They have been very helpful with the transition out of the Navy.  Along the way I stopped fighting with myself and made the decision to transition and start living full time.  For me it has made all the difference in my life.            Jamie
    • Kakileli
      Kind of. I always feel like my legs are the wrong shape, they look too feminine, they stop me from passing, they make me look like a girl, etc. Etc. 
    • Maddee
      Money.   And fear of making the wrong choices (which Drs, which types and order of procedures, etc)
    • KymmieL
      When I carry my purse. I usually just have my wallet, some makeup, my keys, and maybe some protection. That is about all I can fit in my purse.    
    • Linda Marie
      Out of the blue I get a call. I'm retired and have to go to a business meeting. Do not know what this about, all I know is I text back and told them, I'm wearing polka dots. They said please come as you are. LM♥️  
    • AwesomeClaire
      I was never an alpha male either.  A couple things stopped me from transitioning. Mostly fear and shame. Fear of what people would do to me when they found out, and shame of failing as a man and not living up to others' expectations. Also, I had started losing my hair at some point in my 20s and then I was just like "oh, this is it then, there is no way I can do this." So, another main thing holding me back was lack of knowledge. As far as I knew, "transsexuals" were these weird people that got their stuff removed. Nobody even knew one. I didn't even know about ftm. I didn't know about good wigs even or hormone therapy. It was just me all alone, trying to figure out how to look like a girl, failing at it, and then sadly giving up. I didn't have the words or ability to express what was going on with me. I just knew I wanted to look like a girl, and for a while I tried to make myself look like the very feminine male characters from some video games, especially Dynasty Warriors. I really started experimenting more after coming out to family and some close friends as bi, I tried on a dress and heels for the first time with some friends and just loved it. But then the dark thoughts and fear started crowding in again and I felt what I was doing was ridiculous and wrong, so I quit. It would resurface many times over the years, especially if I got drunk or there was another guy around that I liked. November 2019, a year after my divorce, is when I got a very strong urge to pursue this again - I decided to do it right, I did the research, learned quite a lot, and made the decision to be the real me.
    • AwesomeClaire
      I hadn't had a Facebook account in over a decade. But, my friends in my gaming group were using Facebook groups and I felt I was missing out. A few months into my transition I had decided on Claire, so I started up an FB account. Part of this was intentional. I spent a lot of time and energy talking to my closest friends, family, and coworkers about my transition, explaining why I was doing it, my history, etc. So, rather than surprise more people and have to explain a bunch of stuff, I just put myself out there on FB and let people react as they may. I got an overwhelming amount of support, and it just felt good to get it out of the way and have everyone know about it. 
    • Teri Anne
      You look fab in polka dots Linda Marie. You always look so put together.
    • Willow
      Trying this again, the worry is alway lack of acceptance but it’s never as bad as you imagine.  My wife was my worst and she has given her concerns to God.  We are doing a whole lot better.   Purses, I don’t carry all that in my purse, but I will say after carrying one, I don’t understand why the MURSE never caught on.  I wear glasses in case you hadn’t noticed so a glasses case with my prescription sun glasses, or vice versa, lipstick, hair brush, keys, phone, a compact, I try to carry tissues but use them and don’t think to replace them, a face mask, and my wallet.  It matches the purse.  My wife makes purses and matching wallets out of different materials.  The one I’ve been using is cork.  But she makes quilted, foleather, and others and she usually manages a matching wallet. Sometime my wife and I want the same one and have to share.  Ok, I give in to her most of the time but I have a couple she made specifically for me.
    • Niamh
      While I fully understand that some of us may wish to limit who we "come out" to, I was getting frustrated that I had to work out everytime I posted on facebook who knew what. So on 31 March (transgender day of visibility) I decided to post my transgender status to all those who I had not up to that point informed.  I had feared a bit of a backlash from some of the right-wing family members who were my fb friends, but in fact all the responses I had to my post were entirely positive. One of my fb friends obviously decided to unfriend me (I had made a note of how many fb friends I had before the post), but as I've been unable to work out who that person was - it's clearly no big deal.  But the big plus is that I now know that I don't have to tiptoe around what I post in FB. I have maintained two separate FB identities as I am genderfluid, and I'll post appropriate updates in my male and female FB pages accordingly. I did however invite my male FB friends to "friend" Niamh if they wished and a significant number did.   So I fully understand your desire to not have to hide your identity from anyone - it lifts a big weight from your shoulders and I hope that going forward that your family accept how you are even if they are not supportive.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...